So, we're getting to the end of the year, almost done with our LPN. I should e celebrating all of the hard work, celebrating that I made it this far, with straight A's, five kids, mom who is terminal, and my ex husband died unexpectedly Dec. 1st (very devastated kids I have now).
I've managed to complete everything, except for in December when my ex passed away, right before Christmas.....was late getting things done, but got it done nonetheless.
I just completed my OB clinical, and hated it. Mainly b/c my instructor was quite hard on us (she eventually gave me an excellent evaluation, but that's neither here nor there); I just didn't like it.
So....I was supposed to get my PEDS clinical going, had a mixup with times with my clinical instructor (she told me last Friday; I was there...she wasn't....and accused ME of goofing up the time). Accused me of not putting any effort into rescheduling it. Accused me of making "a fuss" in front of the Dean today when all I did was ask when she'd be in so that I could reschedule my clinical time.(I went back to the dean after she accused me of this; she said "Of course you didn't make a fuss....I will make sure to tell her that").....A lot of good it does me. She hates me, I have no idea why. I've gotten along with all my instructors, had fun along the way......but anyway.....she said, "Remember this fall when you had this BIG TRAUMMMMMA and you didn't get your physical assessment check-off done on time over Christmas break"....that's what she is using against me; that my kids' Dad died? She flat out told me I should quit back in January b/c of this 'traummmmmma"
Anyway, I broke down and cried. I told her that I didn't know why she was coming down so hard on me, and that I didn't know why she felt she needed to talk to me this way. She said that I was the ONLY STUDENT who didn't start their Peds clinical. The ONLY STUDENT who hasn't been in to see her. (Yah, because I figured she would get to me.....obviously she had a meeting last Friday and couldn't meet me up there, over an hour drive for me one way.....). I figured she'd get to me ON HER TIME.
Bottom line is this: She is the one who told me I should quit. That I should focus on my family now. True, I could use a little more time with my family right now.....BUT I have straight A's. I don't have financial aid. I can't afford to retake this stuff! And I'm ALMOST DONE!! Why would I quit? I have been told that I'm "a natural nurse" (by the OB clinical instructor that was more like a drill sargeant...that meant a lot to me!). That I have excellent assessment skills. That I'm compassionate. I was told, "You would be the type of nurse to walk in, see a patient with profuse bleeding, ACT, and not think anything of it. Your biggest downfall would be your charting BECAUSE it comes so natural to you; you don't consider what you do interventions because you see what needs to be done...and you do it."
I don't know why I'm rambling so much. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I have enjoyed this all the way up to this final point. And now I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I feel like she (instructor that had me in tears today) maybe is seeing something that I am not. Like: I may be too sensitive to be a nurse? That I take things to heart easily?
And now I'm scared. That I will be MISERABLE in nursing because of all the politics involved, the stress...oh, did I mention the stress?
Where's a good area of nursing for someone sensitive? Or is that a joke, even asking such a thing?
I'm feeling I'm not cut out for this. I'm really needing some advice.
I have to meet with this instructor tomorrow to start my Peds clinical. I've got butterflies in my stomach and I have this feeling she has it in for me. Oh, she's also the clinical director at our college. So she has the power to fail me out of the whole program....
I can barely even see through these tears now. I'm wondering if I made a huge mistake with my career choice.
I kind of no what you are going thru. Last year I just started nursing school and received custody of my niece and nephew plus I already have two kids of my own. My mother -in- law was living with who was under hospice care passed away in May my father also had terminal cancer and passed away in September. I took last summer semester off just to cope with everthing. Listen to what you heart tells. It will work out. Good Luck Will graduate in August.
Specializes in Infection Preventionist/ Occ Health.
You have been through a lot, and you deserve congratulations for pushing through and being as successful as you have. When there is a death in the family, it is difficult no matter how close you were to the person. Even though I didn't grow up with my father, I probably took his death harder than my grandparents who I saw every week. It is not for other people to judge how you should react, and your instructor would do well to remember this.
There are plenty of people in this world who try to discourage us from achieving our goals. The key is to filter through all the nonsense and realize when people are NOT trying to help us. In some cases, they might even be trying to sabotage us for whatever reason.
I was very naive when I started my first job and assumed that all preceptors and supervisors would be interested in doing everything they could to help me succeed. Boy, did I learn that lesson the hard way! It looks like you are going through a similar situation. I can only tell you that once I learned to emotionally distance myself from these people while still acting respectfully towards them, my life was a lot easier.
You must have faith in yourself that you will finish your program and become a nurse. You didn't earn A's so far by giving up- you earned them by working hard through difficult circumstances. This situation is no different. You can do it!
See my quote below from Marie Curie- it's one of my favorites!
I had an instructor over last summer who nearly made me cry. She is the only one who has a couple pages long "report" summing up the clinical with faults down to the minute. All my other clinical instructors - before her and after her - have raved about my qualities, abilities and possibilities.
I absolutely hated her and I am not given to hate easily - nor do I use that word lightly.
She had ZERO clue as to what to expect out of the clinical experience. We had no idea as to what was needed to "please" her. It was like walking a freaking minefield. She practically made up the rules as she went along.
It was ridiculous.
Hang in there. School is ridiculously stressful - and to top it off, you're a sigle mom raising kids and dealing with the death of loved ones.
If only I could do half of what you've already done! :)
Don't really have any additional advice, but just wanted to say that I am sorry for all you have had to face recently.:icon_hug: Gosh, no wonder you are feeling a little vulnerable! What a horrible teacher to not realize that and to make fun!!! Your excellent grades and your passion for nursing ARE a testament to your character! Don't back down now just because of someone else's insecurities. Finish, and finish strong, and THEN take a break. If there is no other way, there is no other way. You will suceed and you will be an excellent nurse!!
Dear Emma, Here are some messages to live by. God bless you and your family during this very hard time.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself 'I have lived though this horror, I can take the next thing that comes along'. You must do the thing you think you cannot do!
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
I was going through my junky spare bedroom and found my papers from nursing school. The stuff from my last med-surg semester was on top and I realized I'm still bitter (5 years later) over the way that clinical instructor treated me, and other students in my group as well. I think almost everyone had at least one CI that was just a byotch! I mean, think about all the nurses you know, plenty of byotches out there!:rotfl: And some people just have issues with wielding power over others. Hang in there. You've come too far to let this set you back and keep you from graduating.
The CI I'm still mad at sprung an "alternate clinical assignment" on me three days before finals because I'd missed too many days (she said). I argued with her, told her the days I'd missed, asked her to recheck her records, went to the clinical coordinator who was sympathetic but said that she'd have no choice but to fail me if I didn't do the assignment if my instructor said I had to to make up for the absence. So I did it, all nine pages of it. Took me two whole days. No point in blowing it off and just studying for finals if I would fail anyway, even if I aced the final. After finals were done, I went back in for my last meeting with my clinical instructor, who was very apologetic because she'd MADE A MISTAKE AND MARKED ME ABSENT WHEN SOMEONE ELSE HAD BEEN ABSENT! I was furious! Two days of work for nothing. Two days I could have been studying more for finals (and maybe brought my B up to an A). I had told her repeatedly that it was a mistake, and she wouldn't listen. Not until after I'd done the stupid assignment. See, I told you I was still bitter.
Point is, I'm a nurse now, doing a job I love. I didn't give up. You shouldn't either. Good luck and hugs to you.:blushkiss
Emma- you are amazing. And it is no wonder you feel the way you do! You are human, and you have had a devistating storm to walk thru. But-you have almost made it. Cry if you need to cry. Curl up in bed if you need to. Scream if you need to. Than hold your head up and take a step. One step-one day-one week. You can do it.
sometimes in life we have to, sit dowm, calm down and really think things through..remember the end of this journey down a road that seems to be rough at times..at the end of this road in your life you'll become a nurse:nurse:
There are some people out there that just enjoy kicking others when they are down..don't listen to them. You have been through hell and it may not be over yet I am sure you are still somewhere in the grieving process, I am even assuming that your husbands death was totally unexpected and it will take you a long time to come to terms with that. What I have found that in times of chaos it is better not to make any changes, stick to your original plans and make as few decisions as possible. Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and dig your heels in because you are here to stay and this to will pass. Good luck.
Wow, you are all so amazing. I needed this support in such a bad way; you have no idea. (Well, I guess you do.)
I did just what you suggested. I cried, broke down, curled up in bed. Then got up yesterday morning and with butterflies and a stomach ache drove to my clinical. I got there and would you believe...she acted as though NOTHING ever happened??? Hey, I will DEFINITELY take that over what I was anticipating to happen (her getting mad at me for talking with the Dean, who is her friend...eek). So I set up my clinical times, met the people I'd be working with, and learned that I have to teach caring for a patient both pre- and post-op to a CNA class next Wednesday. That sure doesn't give me a lot of time to prepare.:uhoh21: But I'll do my best. I hate getting up and talking in front of a bunch of people; one on one client teaching doesn't frighten me.....but a group of high school girls (vocational program).....:uhoh21:
Thank you also for sharing the stories about some wicked CI's. I have yet to understand how some can be so eager to teach, be so helpful, and fun....and some just be out to dominate and stomp you into the ground. I suppose that is life, though.
I just keep analyzing what her reasoning is for pointing out my faults..like someone else mentioned. In my case, I think she may be worried that I'm disorganized d/t the stress in my life. But yes, I'll admit I'm more disorganized lately than usual. Even at home. One day my daughter called me from school (here I was worried b/c she didn't get off the bus) to say "Remember, Mommy....I was staying for TUTORING today!!!" I have a palm organizer....but haven't really had the "time" to learn how to use it quicker than just jotting things down on a notepad.
Anyway, thank you soooooooooo much for helping to lift my spirits. It sure does help to have encouragement and support. It's hard for me to go to my friends about the stress b/c they have their own (who doesn't, I know), and half of them think I've dropped off the face of the earth....nursing school makes you invisible sometimes, doesn't it?
You are all so great. Hugs all around....I feel like I can see myself achieving my goal now. I have to remember that I'm doing this for my kids, too. And to NEVER be the kind of nurse that CI (the anti-nurse):angryfire is.
I will just fake it till I make it with her and pray it works. I wish my stomach would cooperate, though.
Hollyrobyn
19 Posts
Hi,
I kind of no what you are going thru. Last year I just started nursing school and received custody of my niece and nephew plus I already have two kids of my own. My mother -in- law was living with who was under hospice care passed away in May my father also had terminal cancer and passed away in September. I took last summer semester off just to cope with everthing. Listen to what you heart tells. It will work out. Good Luck Will graduate in August.