My patient said WHAT ?!

Nurses General Nursing

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I'm taking care of a 95 yr old patient who is a MAJOR fall risk and have fallen over 35 times. I and the other staff educate him on using the call light for all transfers. So I hear the chair alarm, rush to his room and find him ambulating with out assistance and almost fell. I ask him to please use his call light for assistance. He looks at me and says : " Do you know what you need" and I say no. HE says : " you need an ATIVAN" ! I was completly shocked.:eek:

I felt like saying ( which I didn't) " Yes I do need an ativan being your nurse" :cool:

What crazy things have your patient said, that just left you speechless.

Specializes in LTC, Psych, Hospice.

I was assessing a new pt and was trying to figure out how A&O!" he was. He was slick, though and had a smart answer for every one of my questions. When I asked him where he lived he answered "in my house". I asked him the address and he replied, "well, you dumb *****, you drove here and you're asking me for my address. I think you are the one who is confused!"

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Specializes in ICU/Critical Care.

When I was a CNA, I was assigned to sit with a confused elderly pt overnight.. anyway, this man was absolutely in loooooove with his member haha! He never went to sleep that night, instead, insisted on asking me (21yo girl at the time) if I've ever had sex before? how often? Had I ever seen an uncircumsized member because his 'is beautiful!! Nothing compared to the uncircumsized disasters!' (his words not mine haha) He just went on & on haha... I consistently tried to redirect the conversation and repeatedly told him that he was being inappropriate and needed to stop.. It was useless. He also tried to show me his pride & joy EVERYTIME I helped him to the mens room, which was often as he was on Lasix (lucky meee!)-- made me laugh though & I guess he did this with everyone, it was all he ever wanted to talk about... God love him!

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Specializes in LTC, ALF.

When I was training to be a CNA in a nursing home, a resident told me to come closer to his bed to talk to me, so reluctantly I went.....he then proceeds to tell me the he wanted to stick his "footlong" in me. I was shocked, and although he was bedridden with dementia, I told my trainer that I refused to go back to his room alone!!

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I used to work on a med-surg floor where most of our patients were confused. One night there were 3 or 4 female nurses working on the floor, including myself. One of my co-workers patients was extremely confused. She insisted that her family had dropped her off at a whore house and then she looked at me and said "And you're the whoriest (sp?) of them all!!"

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Specializes in Medsurg/ICU, Mental Health, Home Health.
Then last Friday there was another very confused patient who kept putting her call light on to tell us she was dying and didn't know what she would do if that happened. Well at about 3am I answered her call light again and she said "I am gone now. Life moves on but I just wanted to let you know that I'm gone."

I'm going to be laughing over this one all day long. At least she had the decency to let y'all know she had died.

In the same vein, a tech was rounding in the middle of the night. One patient, was sitting up in bed, eyes wide and a general look of alarm about her.

"What's wrong, Mrs. Thompson?"

"I don't know where I am."

"You're in the hospital, Mrs. Thompson."

"But...but...I was supposed to be cremated!"

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Specializes in ER.
When I was a CNA in a LTC facility (before I started nursing school), I saw one of my elderly patients sitting in her wheelchair in the foyer, CRYING her eyes out, like someone had died! So I went to her, knelt down and asked her "What's wrong Ms. XYZ, why are you crying?" She continued to cry for like 10 more seconds and then she proceeded to stop with this look on her reddened face like she was in deep thought....only to reply "I don't remember." Poor thing!

that would be the only perk of Alzheimers/Dementia... no worries about what you were crying about, because you won't remember in a minute anyway!

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Specializes in ER.
When I was training to be a CNA in a nursing home, a resident told me to come closer to his bed to talk to me, so reluctantly I went.....he then proceeds to tell me the he wanted to stick his "footlong" in me. I was shocked, and although he was bedridden with dementia, I told my trainer that I refused to go back to his room alone!!

that is hilarious. Old men tend to be quite fresh..... their hormones gear back up or something. They're all trying to get some action!

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Aide answering call light: How can I help you?

Mr. M.: WHY AM I NOT BURIED YET?!?

Aide: You're still alive, Mr. M.

Mr. M.: Well if that ain't the darnedest thing...I should've been buried by now!

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When I was training to become a CNA, I was warned about a certain Mr. X in his 90s who loved the ladies. Sure enough, he was the first person I was assigned to and he wasted no time telling me to come lay in his bed because of course there was plenty of room next to him. He would stare at my chest and say "Mmm mmm what a nice set! I can't wait to get my hands on those!" One time I dropped a piece of paper on the floor next to his bed and without thinking, I bent over to pick it up. I turned around and he said "Do that again!" He would also make plenty of comments about his member. He would ask "Is it up? It still works!" What a riot. :lol2:

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Specializes in Telemetry, Med-Surg, ED, Psych.

An 88 y/o female I have been caring for lately. Totally hysterically funny, she is the mother of a former doctor. Sweet southern accent, she tells all the other RN/PCA's that she and I are dating.

I am assisting her OOB to the bathroom.

"Honey, be quick I need to take a four letter word" -that coming from a Seventh-Day Adventist southern belle is hysterical.

"Honey, Take me to Las Vegas - I want to go see Chip n Dales before I croke"

I LOVE that woman!

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Specializes in OB/GYN, Peds, School Nurse, DD.
I used to work on a med-surg floor where most of our patients were confused. One night there were 3 or 4 female nurses working on the floor, including myself. One of my co-workers patients was extremely confused. She insisted that her family had dropped her off at a whore house and then she looked at me and said "And you're the whoriest (sp?) of them all!!"

:lol2: That's hilarious.

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