My husband wants me to quit

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Ok, to make a long story short...I am in nursing school. I was working 36 hrs a week. I work 1 hr away from school so the nights that I work I would go straight to school (did I mention I worked 12's). Anyway, I couldn't keep up the pace so I started just working on weekends. Well, for the past 2 or 3 weeks, my hubby has been saying things like I want you to quit your job b/c I don't get to see you and neither do the kids (I have 2). He controls ALL the money in the house and I don't know on a moment's notice how much we have in the bank. This is the reason why I work. I have never depended on a man as my sole source of income and I'm 29 years old. My husband is controlling of money and if I as him for just a pair of shoes, if he doesn't feel it's important, I don't get it. So I don't know what to do. He also says that he doesn't like me working nights or weekends and I keep thinking how is this going to work when I graduate? What should I do? Has anyone else gone through this too?????? HELP!!!! I feel like my marriage may not work out. I've been married for 2 years!

Specializes in Home Health, Case Management, OR.

Wow, sounds like an orifice! If I was in your position I would grin and bear his controlling ways then as soon as I graduated and became emplyed, up and leave him and tell him there ya go, your money is all yours now (cept what you will pay me in child support!).

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Specializes in heart failure and prison.

I think u answered your own question. If he lectures when you ask him for money, imagine what he will do when you quit? You may not be making $70,000 right now, but you are making something. I think you should keep working parttime. I work 40 hours a week, class is 2 nights a week and I have clinicals every other weekend. You can do it.

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Specializes in LTC/Rehab, Med Surg, Home Care.
Anyone, what would you do if you were me?

I'd divorce my spouse if I had to ask him for the money I earned, to get me to and from the job he wanted me to get.

Beloved and I decided--as a couple--that finances would be jointly managed. They have been managed over the years differently, sometimes by him, sometimes by me. So, if Beloved was managing the finances I'd check in with him "Hey can we afford it if..." or "I want to get a massage/new shoes/hair done/etc any financial issues with that?" And he'd let me know what we had available for a balance.

Now either of us can access the account on line to see what we have available, but I'm currently the family CFO, so he checks in with me.

We also have our own "blow" fund, a set amount (which varies based upon our solvency) that we each get to blow on whatever we want. For Beloved it's usually DVDs or computer gadgets, for me it's usually coffee and facials.

It's NOT an allowance, since we both get the same amount, KWIM?

A marriage it two adults, together, sharing your lives and all that encompasses that. You're not a child. Stop letting him treat you like one.

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Could you put up with the drawbacks until you graduate? It's so hard to go to school and work, I'm just a full time student and I feel like I hardly ever see my kids! I admire you for working and going to school. If I were you I might consider not working while I'm in school if I felt like I could deal with the money situation, if I needed your own dough, I'd do my best to try to work something out. Does he know he makes you feel like a child when it comes to money? Hang in there, and I hope it works out for you.

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.
Anyone, what would you do if you were me?

Marriage counseling.

He is one of two things: extremely immature or abusively controlling

Counseling will help you see which.

If he goes and grows and learns how to treat you like an equal adult in a partnership, you come out ahead.

If he refuses and continues to treat you like a brainless second class citizen that must be taken care of for her own good, you'll know to run and not look back.

As pointed out above, his happiness cannot depend on you. We are supposed to supply happiness from ourselves and share it with the other.

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I feel that in everything you do your family comes first. He's supportive of you going to school which is good. You can hold off a couple of years on some things, but you have to realize that some things are not necessities. as long as your bills are paid, you have food and gas to get you back and forth to school you should just hang in there. I think you are just used to be indepedent but sometimes you need to trust your spouse. If you see that its not working out with just one income, i suggest you look for a job then. i know how you feel because i am going through that now but i don't sweat it because only thing i need is my bills paid and my kids taken care of. I don't worry about clothings or shoes for myself i will get them secondhanded if i need to. I want to stay focused on school and recieved those rewards in the end. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

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I too have a seperate checking account than my husband. I would never stand for my husband to tell me what I can buy with my hard earned money. To me that's a joke. We as women have fought so many years to be equal to men and I be d@#$ed if I let any man take away what my women ancestors fought so hard to achieve (equality and independance). Don't ever let any man or woman steal your thunder. Be strong and talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. If that doesn't work, seek professional help or I'm afraid your marriage is doomed before it has really even begun. By the way, my husband and I have been married 12 years with 2 children and we are equals in all things eventhough he makes more than double what I make.

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I am also 29 with 2 kids and my husband is pretty much the provider for the family until I finish nursing school. Like your situation, he takes care of the finances so there are many times when I am clueless as to what is going on in our combined account. I work as a PCA every other weekend so I am not bringing in that much money, I am basically working there to get acclimated with the hospital environment and because I was offered a job once I receive my RN license, which will hopefully be May 2009. You are pretty much still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage and I think you should share your concerns with him. Communication truly is the key...talk to him first and see what happens.

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Anyone, what would you do if you were me?

Hey there. I can't tell you what you should do, but I thought I might be able to tell you what works for us.

First of all, my husband is totally generous with our money and if I need something (larger than normal), if we can afford it, he will give it to me. Otherwise, he gives me a certain amount of money each month that I can use for myself. I can get my hair done... get a coffee, out to lunch etc. If I need gas or groceries... it goes on our CC that he pays off monthly. It's just nice that I have my own acct with money in there ready to go, so I don't have to ask for it every time I want something.

He feels that since I'm home taking care of the children and the house during the day, the money he earns at work is the both of ours... not just his. He tends to remind me it's my money too.

So... if you DH doesn't see it that way, I think you might have some underlying issues. While I agree, just because both people work, it doesn't mean the money should be split 50/50... but he needs to realize that he cannot be in total control of your finances and treat you like a child.

Good luck to you. I hope that you can talk it over and work it out. You don't need to have problems with your family while going through school. Take care.

Jen

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He doesn't want me to quit school. He is 100% supportive of that but he wants me to quit working. I have an account but at the same bank as his. I think about opening another account at a different bank all the time. We have 2 kids. Both are his.

....I think you have discovered right here what the real issue is.

He wants help on the weekends taking care of the children. It doesn't have a single thing to do with "not seeing enough of you" especially if he is that controlling over money.

My parents have been married for 53 years and if my father had ever told my mother that she couldn't buy something simple (b/c I feel that major financial decisions should be made together), she probably would have knocked him clear into next week....and he knows it.

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