Being complained about behind your back

[joemomma35]

A performance review I got a little while ago was mostly very positive (hard working, great with patients, etc), but the three nurse managers spent the most amount of time highlighting that a lot of complaints were made about me behind my back. Nobody had told me anything until that time. Almost all of it was female coworkers being offended over particular things that I said, not that I mistreat them overall or anything. I generally get along with everyone and treat them with respect.

I want to reduce this overall, because I know that this is something I will have to deal with throughout my whole career. I can't tell you how many things said to me could be considered offensive, but I just shrug them off and do my job. This can be a very back stabbing, collectivist, and whiney field.

To the men, if you have had to deal with this, what did you do to handle it? Tell me your experiences. I'm just thinking I need to be better at reading who is easily offended and will report something stupid to the bosses. I don't want to go around feeling like I have to watch everything I say around every person.

[TriciaJ, RN]

There are always people at work that behave like children, running to "mommy" with every little complaint. You would think that management should be aware of this and see through it, but not always. It's unfortunate, but that seems to be the way it is. Myself, I quit worrying about that years ago, if somebody wants to run to run to mommy because I hurt their feelings, let them. I know I behave professionally and can defend my actions if need be.

In some places, managers actually encourage petty tattling. It keeps people pitted against one another and less likely to present a united front on any issue. Unfortunately, many employees do not see they are being played and embrace their goody-two-shoes role.

I had a manager who was fond of saying "Actually several people complained about you." She said this to everyone she wanted to throw off-balance. One nurse canvassed her coworkers to try to rectify things in person. She was then reprimanded for doing this.

One time when the manager pulled this crap on me, I said "Gosh, if I knew who complained I could apologize and make amends." I was never her bully target again.

[Rbeck911, BSN, RN]

That's dumb. Who wants to work in a place where they can't joke around. You have to know the people you work with. I work with some girls that are cool as hell and we can joke around. Others, I know I can't joke like that around them. Just be aware of your surroundings and what personalities would be offended and avoid it. But don't become a stick in the mud.

[toomuchbaloney]

That's dumb. Who wants to work in a place where they can't joke around. You have to know the people you work with. I work with some girls that are cool as hell and we can joke around. Others, I know I can't joke like that around them. Just be aware of your surroundings and what personalities would be offended and avoid it. But don't become a stick in the mud.

I had a friend who felt that way.

One day someone not a part of that group overheard their joking around and reported the conversation as offensive with sexual undertones. 3 people lost their jobs. This was in a home health office setting.

[kbrn2002, ADN, RN]

I had a friend who felt that way.

One day someone not a part of that group overheard their joking around and reported the conversation as offensive with sexual undertones. 3 people lost their jobs. This was in a home health office setting.

I also work with some staff that have no problem with being a little [sometimes a lot] crude. They are all female BTW. I stay out of it when they really get going about the few men that work in the facility since sometimes I feel they are crossing a line into possibly sexually harassing talk. Granted it isn't said where the guys are, but still. It just goes to show it's not only the guys that talk about the opposite sexes physical attributes.

[Libby1987]

I had a friend who felt that way.

One day someone not a part of that group overheard their joking around and reported the conversation as offensive with sexual undertones. 3 people lost their jobs. This was in a home health office setting.

We joke around quite a bit but absolutley never around a male coworker for that exact same reason, it's not the ones you joke with.

[joemomma35]

Yup, you definitely need to watch out around female coworkers. There are those who don't care, there are those who make you think that they don't care, and then there are those who will go ahead and report the first thing that offends them. And there are many of them. There are some men that do that as well, just not nearly as many.

I admit to not being more careful about this kind of thing, but I worked at the job for six months before I heard anything. It's tough to change things when you only get feedback every once in a while. The passive aggressiveness can be mind numbing if you actually let it bother you. So I'm just going to be more focused on my job, and be more careful about what I say around whom. Most obvious non-work topics at work I avoid. I do understand that there are things I've said as obvious jokes that can offend people, and that regardless, people are going to complain behind anyone's back. Hopefully I can minimize how often it happens.

[toomuchbaloney]

I also work with some staff that have no problem with being a little [sometimes a lot] crude. They are all female BTW. I stay out of it when they really get going about the few men that work in the facility since sometimes I feel they are crossing a line into possibly sexually harassing talk. Granted it isn't said where the guys are, but still. It just goes to show it's not only the guys that talk about the opposite sexes physical attributes.

The people who lost their jobs were all women.

[Rbeck911, BSN, RN]

Like I said, be aware of your surroundings. Sounds like they got way to comfortable at work. Don't get me wrong, I am very professional. However, I have a weird sense of humor as do a couple of people I work with. We only joke like this when we know others are out of the office.

[Rbeck911, BSN, RN]

Mind you, it's not sexual in nature. That is a line we are all aware of and do not cross.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

Only one was told to me in detail, and I didn't push on the rest. I don't think they're trying to create a witch hunt. I believe that they're guilty of taking complainers too seriously. I don't believe that they want to fire me, but the managers are trained at avoiding litigation, so they are basically forced to listen to every complaint. I noticed that they have everything documented.

I fully agree about keeping options open, but I'd rather stick with this company if possible. If things start getting really dicey I'll have to bail. I'm in a position where I can afford a temporary job loss with no issue. Also, at this stage early in my career, job hopping will not look good.

I appreciate the outlook so far. Please keep it all coming.

Try to keep it professional at all times. There's no use trying to gauge who will complain about you behind your back and who won't -- it's impossible to tell for sure. Even someone who really didn't MEAN to complain about you behind your back may repeat something you said to someone else (because she thought it was so clever or funny) and THAT person will complain about it. So keep it professional at work. The funny and clever is welcomed and enjoyed over Bloody Mary's Sunday morning after night shift or at the baseball game or at Sandy Sue's party at the local tavern.

[heelhook80]

I have a different opinion. In the near future when there's a few of them congregated go up to them and ask if you can speak with them for a sec. If they don't shoot you, genuinely say "hey if I'm saying anything that's offensive, will you let me know right away? I want to have good working relationships and would like to know if I'm doing or saying anything that's offputting."

It's not just a male-female thing. I've been mis read many times and being a strong personality it has caused problems. I've had to have such conversations a few times.

So he should try and publicly draw attention to this in attempt to smooth things over with people who just back stabbed him to management over an offense that evidently wasn't even serious enough to warrant a disciplinary write up? Clearly some people have it out for him, if they wanted to be civil they would have approached him, since THEY were the ones offended.

Negotiating with people like this is the equivalent of the government negotiating with terrorists. Just doesn't work. Not everyone will be friends, ACCEPT THAT NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE YOU! Accept it and FOCUS IS ALWAYS ON THE PATIENTS, if you have an issue with someone drop it and make all future interaction be 100% work related. Don't trust them with any personal info, get the resume cleaned up too. Also, without going in lengthy detail I can safely say your manager sucks.

Remember, haters are fans in denial and that success is the best revenge. Maybe the haters just did you a favor and motivated you like gasoline to a fire. Remember this when you are working towards your goals, career or personal goals. That is how you deal with this.

[ParkerBC,MSN,RN, PhD, RN]

I think I am more surprised that your leadership team waited until performance appraisal time to discuss their concerns. A person cannot and will not change a behavior without first knowing it isn't welcomed. The fact that the managers used the information in the appraisal without first giving you a chance to rectify the behavior demonstrates lack of leadership. I did have a similar situation. Two nurses complained because they felt that I was too cold” to them. So, my nurse manager told me that I needed to show more emotion” when interacting with staff. I started laughing. She started laughing then said, see that's what the staff needs to see and feel. I stopped and asked, Since when do my job duties also include boosting fellow employees' broken self-esteems and egos? It sounds to me like both ladies should make it a point to call the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) number and seek counseling on how to fix those things.” Both of the ladies were best friends with the manager. They hung out after work…had drinks, according to the other two.

I began looking for a new position after the meeting knowing she would try to find every little thing to critique. BUT- I felt better knowing that I stood up for myself and calling her out on the ridiculousness.