Being complained about behind your back

[joemomma35]

A performance review I got a little while ago was mostly very positive (hard working, great with patients, etc), but the three nurse managers spent the most amount of time highlighting that a lot of complaints were made about me behind my back. Nobody had told me anything until that time. Almost all of it was female coworkers being offended over particular things that I said, not that I mistreat them overall or anything. I generally get along with everyone and treat them with respect.

I want to reduce this overall, because I know that this is something I will have to deal with throughout my whole career. I can't tell you how many things said to me could be considered offensive, but I just shrug them off and do my job. This can be a very back stabbing, collectivist, and whiney field.

To the men, if you have had to deal with this, what did you do to handle it? Tell me your experiences. I'm just thinking I need to be better at reading who is easily offended and will report something stupid to the bosses. I don't want to go around feeling like I have to watch everything I say around every person.

[joemomma35]

Like I said, with a lot of women managers you get the kind of crap mentioned above. It's like elementary school at your job. A lot of them don't even realize they're encouraging it, but they are.

The fact that they only said this to me during performance evaluation might also mean that they just did this out of necessity. Performance evaluations always mean a review of the good and bad that they see and hear. I was asked to attend a class several months down the road, so that's a very good sign.

[tacomaster]

I do not socialize with anybody I work with. I discuss nothing controversial. My co-workers might complain I'm boring and quiet, but I won't lose my job over that.

I watch and listen to my co-workers gossip and gripe about each other, and think to myself I'd rather be boring.

I wish I was able to do that. I hate that I'm so out-going, but I'm starting to retreat within because I want my privacy and really just want to go to work, do my shift, and then leave. Initially I wanted to do more for the unit, but not anymore.

[_Medserver]

I'm a male nurse with 10 years experience and have dealt with issues similar to yours. I've given your problem some thought over the years because it used to come up a lot until I made some changes.

We are in a similar position working as a floor nurse as a female firefighter was 20 years ago. Our issue is more complicated than this example, but I hope you get my point.

-Here is how to fix it. You must be THE best if you want to make a career. You must be beyond competent. You must be the resource for everyone on your unit. Your coworkers need to feel they can ask you anything clinical or work related and get a solid answer. Be the nurse who can get the IV in the dehydrated chemo patient. Complete your bachelor's degree if you don't already have one. Obtain a national certification in your area. Possibly just start with taking ACLS and taking seminars.

This is how I handled the stuff you are getting thrown at you. Have you ever noticed that the nurse with the BSN will often ask where the ADN nurse went to school? I never ask now because that question always irked me. It's minor things like that or bigger things like blatant lying to administration to get you in trouble or gossip or anything really.

-Obtaining clinical superiority and always maintaining a positive attitude works. The best defense is a good offence my man.

[joemomma35]

For the first few weeks I responded to this by just being more quiet, feeling almost like I was walking on eggshells with everyone. But I got tired of that. I felt really aggressive when I got home and I was starting to dislike the job. So I stopped doing that.

Also medserver, I agree. I'm still working on that because I'm new to the field. They cannot doubt my dedication to the job and a lot of my talent though. I come to work to work. I don't cause any trouble for the managers (i.e. the gossip and backstabbing that's happening to me). The worst I do is have some fun and joke around...god forbid. They know my utility to the place though, and they know I'm great with patients. The picture I'm looking to paint is that I'm a very good worker that just happens to work with a bunch of gossipy females.

I haven't heard anything since the original post. It doesn't mean nothing is being said, I doubt a lot has really changed. I just don't think it's a big priority for them. Maybe they only told me about it because I had to sit down for a performance review. The biggest change I've made is just being better at figuring out who would complain about petty things and who wouldn't. I can't tell you how many things are said to me that I just brush off.

[labdad1234RN]

Strive to the best nurse your unit.

Do your job the best you can.

There will be people who will not like you for whatever reason.

Rise above the idle chatter and backtalk.

Be a team player regardless.

Most of all, be a Nurse and care for those in your charge.

The cohesiveness in a nursing unit, depends on the individuals working there. It can be a ideal or dysfunctional as people wish it to be. I have worked in units where some nurses enjoy putting others down not in their clique. For whatever reason, you were likely singled out. Then there are units where you are treated as "family" and develop close professional relationships with your colleagues. We had each others backs no matter how trying and chaotic it became. To date, I still consider the team of nurses I left behind "my family". I visit their unit every so often. I still get the question on when I am done with my adventure and come home to the unit. It does not hurt to explore other units as an option to transfer. But do your homework and ask around prior to doing so.

[Larry3373]

I had a similar experience where someone anonymously complained about I was arrogant or something like that. I asked several coworkers, none of which felt that way. The person who I concluded was the complainer is the person who is always talking about other people. I handled it by avoiding that person as much as possible and said very little when they were around. I tried to continue to be very polite and helped them whenever I could. I had a similar experience when I was in nursing school where they told my clinical instructor that I had a bad attitude. In each of these cases I was not told exactly what I said that was wrong. As a male I often felt like this might be the result of women taking their frustration out on me because of the males in their life. I've also noticed that many women (not all of course) seem to look for something to complain and get upset about. You just have to learn to keep your mouth shut around those kinds of people, because they are literally looking for something to be offended about.

[mdillingham]

This workplace dynamic has been bothering me lately, I think because I feelthat I work well with my co-workers and had lulled myself into believing that Idid not need to account for the interpersonal differences. I didn't enter intothe profession naïve; I knew there would be difficulties associated with beinga male nurse working in a predominantly female profession. I have a wife andtwo daughters at home, I LIVE in a predominantly female environment, and Iconsider myself a feminist. But there are differences that must be taken intoaccount. These don't make anyone less or more than anyone else but women andmen can think differently in many instances.

One thing that I have had to learn the hard way recently is that Iguess it is irrelevant what the dynamics of the minority/majority is, but ifyou find yourself in the minority, you can simply plan from the get go that youwill have to do more than everyone else to be viewed as doing as much aseveryone else. Male nurses are a minority, which means you have to try to be abetter nurse than everyone you work with or you will never get a full star review

If a male co-worker asks about your personal life or how a difficultyor situation you are dealing with is going he is either making small talk andjust doesn't care or is genuinely interested in how you are doing. If a femaleco-worker does the same it is not necessarily because they intend to besympathetic (some may actually care) but they are just as likely be asking togain information to file away use to present you in a negative light to others,whether it be to gossip with other co-workers or to complain to the manager.

With male co-workers, they either like you or they don't. And justbecause they don't like you doesn't mean they can't be professional and workwell with you in a friendly manner. This like or don't like is usually formulatedwithin the first couple or few interactions. Generally something drastic mustoccur for them to change their mind to liking you or not liking you. Withfemale co-workers you are constantly being analyzed, they may never fullydecide if they like you or don't like you and if they do, that opinion could changewith a very minor infraction at any opportunity. If you don't gauge, measure,categorize, and catalog, every interaction, no matter how minor, you are at aconstant disadvantage and can simply expect to be blindsided at some point bypent up frustration and ill will that has been meticulously crafted over timebit by tiny bit.

You can get along great with your co-workers, you can be friendly withyour co-workers, but you will never be FRIENDS with your co-workers. Certainlynot the kind of friend you can develop outside of a work environment. Beprepared to endure inside jokes that you are not part of or observe huddled whisperingjust out ear shot.

I realize that these are just generalizations and do not apply to everyperson or every situation. I am normally a very private introverted person. I'vemade significant effort to be open with my coworkers and establish connections.I don't want to go back to be closed off from everyone but I feel that if cutmyself off from all of my co-workers and keep my interactions cold and strictlyon work related topics that I will slip back into that mindset too easily

Matt

[MrNurse(x2), ADN]

Been in nursing 28 years. This is my only career, so I only have second hand info as to how other careers work, but nursing is not welcoming to the male point of view. Despite what is taught, men interact different than women, and in a work setting, this causes offense. A disagreement between men is normally a starting point for a working, if not friend, relationship, a disagreement is the beginning of the end with women. What used to be passed off as personality quirks in the 90's will get you fired today. As another opined, direct questioning may be your best response. A humble, learning repose speaks volumes, it shows you want to be part of the team and care about their feelings (something we have to be taught as males, we aren't naturally drawn to that). Stick with it, it is worth it. Thankfully, the team I work with have been together for decades and we appreciate what each brings, including my male perspective.

[MrNurse(x2), ADN]

In some places, managers actually encourage petty tattling. It keeps people pitted against one another and less likely to present a united front on any issue. Unfortunately, many employees do not see they are being played and embrace their goody-two-shoes role.

I had a manager who was fond of saying "Actually several people complained about you." She said this to everyone she wanted to throw off-balance. One nurse canvassed her coworkers to try to rectify things in person. She was then reprimanded for doing this.

One time when the manager pulled this crap on me, I said "Gosh, if I knew who complained I could apologize and make amends." I was never her bully target again.

Welcome to reality TV world

[US RN in Oz]

My advice... don't say inappropriate things at work, ever. Dur.

Why even do it? What could you possibly benefit from it? If it's to try and have fun, joke around and make light of situations, it is quite easy to be really funny without saying inappropriate things.

At work, always be positive, always be professional.

Of course, here in Australia, it's totally acceptable to yell, "Oi! Oi, matey. Don't be a fakin dickhead", to a surgeon before they peel back the dressing you just finished minutes earlier. It's awesome.

[James W.]

This issue is perhaps yet another aspect of the 'double standard' problem.

It is also fundamentally improper to be confronted by new 'complaints'

in a 'performance appraisal' setting.

& for complaints to be 'banked' or 'saved up' to make a collection,

over a period of time, then to be added up for a surprise/ambush.

Surely, any potential negative/disciplinary outcome must be flagged in advance?

Or by tabling these 'complaints' in this way, have your managers actually dismissed them

already, but wanted to let you know that they had been received & dealt with?

Seems that, depending on your contract, you may have legal recourse if things got real bad,

but even if you are in the right, & win - it will be held against you, again, per that 'double standard'..

[Guest849204]

Some of the best advice I can give to male nurses and that I think will be particularly relevant here is this: Stay out of the gossip! It's no secret that female nurses on the floor tend to gossip like crazy, but for some reason the game changes when the male nurses get involved. My policy is "listen but never repeat". I listen to all the gossip and many of my female coworkers confide in me because they know I keep secrets, but I never offer an opinion or even acknowledge that I've heard something.