Memoirs of a new grad on probation…The struggle is real out here in Cali.

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So, I have been chronicling my dreadful, never-ending battle with California's infamous BRN for about the last 6 months through the posts of others. I've decided to begin my own thread for any of you out there who may unfortunately find yourself in this horrendous situation:

I have a criminal history. Long story short (and there always is one), I went through some traumatic experiences in high school, things no young woman should ever have to endure. I used some textbook, maladaptive coping strategies in an attempt to help myself along. I was stuck in the denial and isolation phase of my grief for about 7 years. Rather than get help and face my issues head on, I self-medicated and wound up landing myself a DUI at 18 and again at 23.

Fast forward about 10 years and there is the ME today. A 33 year old wife and mother. I maintained an occupational license in another medical field for 6 years, working full-time while I simultaneously earned a degree in Behavioral Sciences before I entered the nursing program in 2012. I commuted almost daily once I started the ADN program. A 150 mile round trip to school, rotations, skills lab, and study sessions from the central valley to the San Francisco Bay.

Being in the nursing program made me the happiest I've ever been in life. I couldn't even wait to get to my car in the parking lot before I called my mom and my husband to tell them all of the awesome skills I was able to perform at the hospital each day. I was on cloud 9 after I inserted my first NG tube, called my first code, started my first IV (the list can go on and on). I finally felt like I found my purpose in life…until 2 weeks before I was scheduled to graduate and the rug was yanked out from under me.

I received a letter from the BRN stating that they were DENYING my application for licensure because of my past criminal history. I new that my application would require additional processing, but never in my most wildest nightmares did I expect this, and definitely not after being successfully licensed with another CA licensing entity. I honestly believed that because I had the charges expunged, submitted completion certificates for programs, had letters from my instructors, proof of volunteer work with children, and all of my academic achievements over the last 10 years, I provided sufficient evidence that I am a respectable and productive member of society, that has successfully rehabilitated herself.

How wrong was I? I opened a certified letter from the BRN the day before Mother's Day and just 12 days before my pinning ceremony, with a big fat denial on it. My heart literally broke into a million pieces. I immediately filed an appeal. I naively thought that I could reason with them because maybe they had overlooked something and maybe this is just how things work and after further investigation I'll get my license and it'll be all good, right?

This was just the start of the worst and longest 9 months of my life. All of my hard work and time spent on my education, my passion for life, was flushed down the toilet. For any of you at this point, be prepared to do some serious explaining--TO EVERYONE. You've just graduated; one of the happiest days of your life just turned sour because you're about to take an oath on stage in front of your entire family that has no clue you've actually been rejected by the BRN and it's basically all for nothing. I felt like such a liar. I can't even tell you how many times each day I was asked when I was going to take the NCLEX, when I was going to get my license, and when and where I was going to start working. I broke the news to my parents which only piled on the stress, but to those just being polite and asking innocent questions, I could only give so many excuses. "I'm studying for a while," and "I'm taking the summer off," and "I'm planning the wedding," and "It takes a while to get the results back," and "I've been having a lot of health issues lately so I'm trying to take it easy." All things that were true at the time, but you can only keep that up for so long…try 5 months.

I finally had to begin full disclosure. I was tired of hiding and to be honest with you, most people just assumed that I must have miserably failed my test that I took 4 months prior. Then comes the shame. Why after all these years do I begin feeling like this young, wide eyed girl who'd screwed up yet again? It was like I was being arrested all over again. The looks, the judgement, the discrimination…maybe it was all in my head and then again maybe not. Some people look at you like dirt and others see you for who you really are and what you have to offer to the world because of your life's experiences.

I finally received an accusation in the mail from the deputy attorney general handling my case about 3 to 4 months after filing my appeal, letting me know that I had just 10 days to respond to it. Mind you I had already sat for the NCLEX and was denied the opportunity to know my results (which are still being withheld as of today). I'm about 15 days away from my DIY wedding and pretty broke considering the circumstances, so a lawyer was completely out of the question. 5 days later I receive a stipulated settlement offer consisting of all 19 probation stipulations. Now, 10 days to my wedding, 5 days to all of my in-laws being in town. No one's asking about how excited we are to be getting married (as if I could even fake a smile throughout all of this). No. Everyone wants to know how my NCLEX went, when I'm going to start working and when I'm going to get my nursing license. I couldn't wait for my wedding so I could see all of the rest of our family and friends and answer yet even more questions about why I don't have my nursing license yet! I love my husband, he's a rider. I can't even imagine how he must of felt to have his wife-to-be staring back at him, looking completely devastated and defeated on what should have been again, one of the happiest days of our lives.

By God's good graces we got through that day, and the next, and the next few weeks that I spent up all night trolling allnurses and other online sites trying to find any useful information regarding licensing appeals and litigation. I was so physically and mentally spent that I managed to get kidney stones and a severe kidney infection, which kept me ill for an entire month after our unforgettable wedding and fab wedding present from the BRN.

After I pulled myself together I continued my quest to take back the dignity and degree I felt was stolen from me. As nursing students we are taught to be advocates for our patients and lucky for me I was taught well, because I truly became my own best advocate throughout all of this. I dug so deep into everything, hours upon hours a day until I came across a legal group that assists people in getting back into the workforce. They also took on a campaign for civil rights for those of us not fortunate enough to afford a quality legal team. A 5 second questionnaire in the middle of the night turned into a call to my cell phone the very next morning letting me know that my story was read and that there were people interested helping me.

One of the conditions of my meeting was to bring in a recent copy of my criminal history report. I hurried to do this and when I received it I was in utter disbelief. I read it and saw that one of the DUIs had in fact NOT been expunged. How could this be? I'm looking right at the order for dismissal from the court! I ended up finding out that my court paperwork was not adjudicated in the DOJ system by the court erroneously!! I immediately contacted the attorney general, because this had to be the reason for the denial, right?? I forwarded my court documents right away. I was later informed that day that my settlement offer was NOT negotiable, regardless of the expungement.

I took this information in stride. I had nothing to lose. I had been beaten before and have gotten back up. I still had this last ditch effort in meeting these lawyers. They were willing to help me at no cost. I had to at least try. After about a month and several more meetings and phone conferences, we decided to give this another go. I had to challenge the error on my criminal history report and clear that up before going back to the BRN. I obtained letters from more instructors, my supervisor where I volunteer, friends, family, classmates, everyone. I had a substance abuse evaluation done, which could be seen as risky, but based on the DSM V criteria I was found NOT to meet the criteria for addiction. After carefully going through the probationary terms with my lawyers, they sent a settlement offer to the BRN along with my mitigation package.

It's now month 9 and I hear back from the BRN. I have to be honest; I went into this expecting the worst and with little hope for change. While they aren't willing to issue me a clear license and won't budge on the disciplinary action, which for the record I feel is a huge disservice, they were willing to drastically reduce the terms of my probation, pending that I complete an additional mental and physical examination and get cleared. While I still feel that this is completely unfair, I also feel the need to move forward and restart my life. Again. I am a big believer in things happening for a reason, and for whatever reason these challenges with the BRN are only a small part in the grand scheme of things AKA MY LIFE, which I am choosing to take back and do amazing things with.

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Specializes in Critical Care, Education.

I'm glad that you are starting to see a light at then end of your long dark tunnel. Wishing you the absolute best of luck in your nursing career.

FWIW, this scenario is exactly why my state's BON decided to do criminal background checks as part of nursing school admission.. so that any issues could be surfaced & dealt with prior to investing blood, sweat and tears to become a nurse.

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Schools here do background checks as well, however, most only go back 10 years. I DID contact the BRN prior to beginning nursing and was told that I should continue with schooling. I also had several classmates with DUIs that were more recent than mine, that this whole situation didn't happen to. I don't know what they base their criteria on to issue denials and how they see one DUI different from the next, but from what I've read on the BRN website I do know that the decision to deny a license is solely up to the person assigned to review your application. It seems as though some people may be more lenient than others. I just wish that either someone from the BRN or from my school would have been honest with me and told me (at the time when I asked if I would have any problems getting licensed) about the enforcement division and that a denial/probationary license was a likely outcome. I definitely don't want to stop anyone from pursuing their dreams because of some mistakes they've made in the past, but rather encourage them to be informed before they have a run in with the CA BRN and most importantly evaluate all their options before they find themselves stuck in an irreversible situation such as a license denial (one that they will have to list on job applications and licensing applications for the rest of their lives). My biggest regret in all of this was not being educated on the system prior to applying, or better yet prior to applying to CA.

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I am so sorry for all you have gone through and I truly empathize with your situation. I pray you are able to get licensed and practice nursing and I STRONGLY believe that due to these circumstances and life lessons you learned, you are a nurse with more passion and drive than many others who were just handed a license. Never, ever give up. Remember, no matter what the state decides, they will never be able to take away your knowledge or memories from this endeavor.

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Im am sooo sorry you had to go through and are still going through this ordeal. It seems so unjust and unfair. Those incidents where over a decade ago. A decade seems like a lifetime ago and I know i am in no way the same person i was 10 years ago and apparently neither are you. You paid for your crime. Enough is enough. I hope good things are in store for you. You definitely deserve it. Can I ask, did both of the dui's end up in convictions or were they eventually dismissed? Did you write a letter to the BON explaining how you were self medicating after some traumatic experiences and that you are in a better place now?

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Hi Darby71,

They were both dismissed. One mistakenly showed up as convicted on my criminal history report and I had to challenge it. It was later corrected. I was honest with the BRN in the letter I wrote explaining the prior dismissed convictions that was included with my application. Unfortunately it wasn't enough.

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3rdeyeRN thanks for sharing your story. I am dealing with denial from the BRN also due to 2 different convictions 14 and 7 years ago. I also thought that both were expunged but after receiving my denial letter with a copy of my DOJ background check, I shocked to see that a DUI conviction from 14 years ago was not dismissed/expunged. It has been 5 months since I mailed in the letter to appeal to the BRN and I haven't heard anything from the AG's office. I knew that there would be a possibility that I would have some issues getting a my RN license but not like this. I am also licensed and I also work for a government agency so I was really hoping that they wouldn't deny me. I also sit up day and night trolling the internet to find any information that could help me. Try to be patient has been very hard. After reading your post I decided to call the BRN. They gave me the info to call the AG's office and I left a message. Hopefully I will hear something soon. I don't really know what to do next. Im taking the NCLEX very soon and I just want to move forward. I deeply regret what I've done in my past. It has definitely made me a better person. Its sad that we go through things in life good and bad. But just when you think things are going great and you forget about all that negative stuff from the past it also has a way of coming back to haunt you. Im happy that things are working out for you. You have inspired me to continue to stay positive.

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Thank you for your post and your story. It is similar to my own. Will you please tell me where to find the list of approved addiction evaluators for $75 - $100? I can't send pms but will you pm me? Thank you!

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Hi RNoneday14,

I'm really glad that I shared my story because my hope was that it would reach at least one person, so thank you for saying that I've inspired you to stay positive. I have done some serious soul searching throughout this whole process and having faith in a higher power has helped me get up each day and push on. It could be very easy to get caught up in the hurt and negative emotions about this (it's been a constant battle for me). A friend of mine told me that I'm going through this because it will make me stronger and that I can use my past experiences to help others once I become a nurse. That one day I may have a patient who IS where I was years ago and I can not only show them empathy, but sympathy. Have faith that this is part of your plan and try not to get too down on yourself when you hear from the AG. Keep us posted!

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Nursing unfortunately is NOT a forgiving profession. The medical board is more lenient on physicians than the board is on nurses. I think they are judging you, and not listening to you or your story. They are doing the very thing to you that they don't want is to do to our patients. The BON disgusts me.

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I am 100% relating to you on every level. I have a DUI from 2009 and just got my probationary license after one year of waiting (and lying to people as to why it took so long too). I thought the waiting was the bad part...was I wrong or what! This probation situation is the absolute worst!! I had no idea how time consuming and expensive this would be. At this point I honestly wish I never went to nursing school. I feel like it was such a waste. All it is to me now is a huge pile of debt that I am not foreseeing paying off ever. UGH. I am really glad to here that things are slightly looking up for you. You seem like a really good person and I hope things only get better for you! You seem very dedicated which what really matters. I must ask you about these people who helped you? What was that about? Are they lawyers? And can I also ask what terms were reduced on your probation? I wish I would have know about all this before I agreed to my stipulation! :cry:

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Hi 3rdeyeRN,

Thanks for responding. It definitely feels better to have someone to chat with that understands what you are going through. I recently took the NCLEX. It's really messed up that the BRN won't even allow us to get our results until after an agreement is reached. It doesn't make sense to hold the results in my opinion. I did get the good pop up though. Hope it works. Finally made contact with a secretary at the AG's and they are working on my case. Hope to receive something soon. Your story made me realize I may need to get an attorney. Other than that I'm just trying to hang on and continue praying and being positive. Please keep up us updated on your journey and I will do the same.

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