Marriage distress

missninaRN · Dec 8, 2005

I didn't mean to crash the thread. . .
~faith,
Timothy.

You made an excellent post, Timothy. Lots of food for thought and truth.

NJNursing, ASN, RN · Dec 8, 2005

Good info Timothy - just the huge font is a little hard on the eyes for reading.

I'll be filing for divorce after I graduate and start working. I basically went to school because I knew 4 years ago that this marriage wasn't going to be "forever". I really never should have gotten married to begin with now that I can look in retrospect. But me being in school had put the most strain on it all, especially because I quit my job because they wouldn't bend to be a little flexible with my schooling even though I game them AMPLE solutions to problems. And not working allowed me to take on more classes to get done quicker. But the nursing classes are mentally and physically taxing and we're now to the point we're just co-habitating in the house and he's a live-in babysitter for our daughter. The emotion has pretty much gone out of it and intimacy? I don't even know what that means. I've got several classmates in the same situation where they're on the verge of divorce (and are planning such, post-graduation) where the husbands weren't pulling their part to be able to help with kids/home/etc with school. We spend 4 days in school, but we spend a lot of extra time studying at home. Ok, /end rant.

Lisa CCU RN, RN · Dec 9, 2005

Good info Timothy - just the huge font is a little hard on the eyes for reading.
I'll be filing for divorce after I graduate and start working. I basically went to school because I knew 4 years ago that this marriage wasn't going to be "forever". I really never should have gotten married to begin with now that I can look in retrospect. But me being in school had put the most strain on it all, especially because I quit my job because they wouldn't bend to be a little flexible with my schooling even though I game them AMPLE solutions to problems. And not working allowed me to take on more classes to get done quicker. But the nursing classes are mentally and physically taxing and we're now to the point we're just co-habitating in the house and he's a live-in babysitter for our daughter. The emotion has pretty much gone out of it and intimacy? I don't even know what that means. I've got several classmates in the same situation where they're on the verge of divorce (and are planning such, post-graduation) where the husbands weren't pulling their part to be able to help with kids/home/etc with school. We spend 4 days in school, but we spend a lot of extra time studying at home. Ok, /end rant.

It's almost spooky, I could have written this post! I will be 28 when I graduate and I plan on filing for divorce too once I graduate. Only difference is he doesn't live here though--he ate me out of house and home and got on my nerves too badly. I wish you luck and just know you are not the only one going through this.

NJNursing, ASN, RN · Dec 9, 2005

I just turned 28, so I'll be 28 when I graduate and file as well. Only difference is he's still here because, well someone's got to support the house. :-(

amberc · Dec 9, 2005

Your posts are really freaking me out. I also could have wrote all of that word for word. I am also 28. What is up with that. Did your husband go to college? I ask that, because I just don't think they realize that you are not at school partying and having a wonderful time. I don't think they realize just how much you are sacraficing (sp) when you are at school. Good Luck. You definately have people out there that can say I know exactley how you feel!!!

Amber

sabrn2006 · Dec 9, 2005

There has been some wonderful advice given here. I am reading with interest, as my own marriage is in turmoil. In truth, I've been married nearly 14 years and have not had one solid calm year. Lots of storms...LOL. I do think that nursing school is particularly taxing, though, and exacerbates any problems that occur. My life has been incredibly stressful financially and emotionally this past year and a half. Some of it would have been there whether I was in school or not. It's just that being in school made me less able to focus on anything else.

My husband has also made many interesting accusations along the lines of me looking for a doctor to leave him for or only using him (husband) to get through school. I see this all as manifestations of his insecurity and nothing more. Why waste my energy arguing about it?

My marriage will survive, or it won't. In my case, my husband is also suffering from panic attacks and a what I see as an underlying depression. He is also a substance abuser. He vacillates between a willingness to seek help and then an "I don't care what happens" attitude.

I have babysat him for nearly 16 years now (2 years before marrying) and want him to grow up already! I am also tired of making excuses for his behavior. I come from a long line of codependent people. Where does it end? I guess I am somewhat passive-aggressive. Part of me just hopes it will come to a head and he will decide to leave on his own--thus saving me the responsibility and guilt. But, of course, this hasn't happened yet.

purplemania, BSN, RN · Dec 9, 2005

yes he probably does feel threatened because you are focusing on something other than him and may be asking him to do things he considered "your work", such as cleaning, caring for children, errand running, etc. Sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and get all this out in the open. If he continues to make life difficult he is forcing you to make a choice you don't want to make. I made the wrong choice. I stuck with him and his selfishness got worse instead of better. My biggest regret was that I did not leave sooner. Hope you and your spouse can work it out!!!

wonderbee, BSN, RN · Dec 12, 2005

Our instructors told us during our psych rotation that after graduation, a lot of divorces get filed or finalized. Maybe these were unhealthy marriages to begin with and the students are now equipped to take care of themselves with their RN in hand.

vollmermc · Dec 12, 2005

Wow! What a great response. Thank you for all the advise, since I too think school is going to put a strain on my marriage. It seems like every time I attend school, my husband has these strange accusations towards me. I think I get stressed out and he see's our marriage spinning out of control. I now feel I could handle the nursing program because I am good mentally now. Good luck to all of you that are in a relationship!

NJNursing, ASN, RN · Dec 12, 2005

No my husband didn't go to college. He went to trade school after high school to become a plumber and he worked for his father for a while, but then decided that wasn't what he wanted to do and then went to become an EMT which is what he does now. And yeah, in the beginning I think he thought that I was just screwing around at school. I think he's now starting to realize there's more to it than that, but he still doesn't make it any easier on me with not giving me ample time to study. It's been driving me crazy. I actually just failed my first test all semester last week and it drove me from a B average to a C and I'm incredibly upset about it. :scrying:

Your posts are really freaking me out. I also could have wrote all of that word for word. I am also 28. What is up with that. Did your husband go to college? I ask that, because I just don't think they realize that you are not at school partying and having a wonderful time. I don't think they realize just how much you are sacraficing (sp) when you are at school. Good Luck. You definately have people out there that can say I know exactley how you feel!!!
Amber

Balder_LPN, LPN · Dec 12, 2005

Our instructors told us during our psych rotation that after graduation, a lot of divorces get filed or finalized. Maybe these were unhealthy marriages to begin with and the students are now equipped to take care of themselves with their RN in hand.

I think you are right that the divorces where already unhealthy mariages, although I dont think "the students are now equipped to take care of themselves with their RN in hand" that may be part of it

but I think the larger part is that unhealthy marriages are less likely to survive the stresses of school. ie you werent really taking care of the problems before, and school exacerbates the issues and makes them that much harder to deal with.

Thats what was true for me both times!

JenNJFLCA · Dec 13, 2005

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years (why we're not married yet is a long story). I love him more than anything but it has been a rocky road in nursing school. Our relationship has been put to the test, but now I realize how strong it is. Neither one of us is perfect. He gave me a whole lotta crap about feeling neglected, and I spent a whole lotta time worrying about that. Then I decided that I needed to stop that and just keep moving forward. I make sure I set a time for just the two of us at least once a week. I don't talk about school unless has asks about it, and I devote myself to "us" time. That has helped a lot. It's not the perfect solution, but it has been good for me. This semester I also decided to quit my job of 5 years b/c it was too much with school and I was having a nervous break down almost every day. I'd been working FT the whole time I've been in the program and this was the mother of all semesters. I couldn't take it anymore. At first he gave me a hard time about it, but I think he felt sorry for me and saw what a toll all the stress was taking on me. Since I quit a month ago, I've been so much happier. I am still working PT at the hospital, but it's nothing like it was. Just keep moving forward and try to spend some quality time w/ your hubby. A little love & attention goes a long way. Men need that even more than women do I think. Good luck!