Listening to a dying man

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I can't stop thinking about the pt I had last night. End stage CA, doc thinks it will be any day. This pt is afraid to die. He didn't want to talk to the chaplain, but I had time in the early hrs, and I sat down with him for a while.

I work in an inner city hospital, and while I did not grow up wealthy, I had a loving family and was always cared for. Many of my pts are not so lucky. This man grew up with an alcoholic mother who beat and neglected him, and then died when he was only 11. He told me how he used to steal in order to eat and take care of his siblings, and how guilty he feels because he knows right from wrong. He said he felt unloved and disrespected for as long as he can remember. No one visits, no one will be with him when he dies.

He's not ready to die because he feels like he never really lived. He's only 41.

I couldn't think of anything profound to say, so I just listened. I wish I could have thought of something comforting to say.

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Specializes in Hospice, LTC, Rehab, Home Health.

Michigangirl, The fact that you took the time to really be present with him and hear what he had to say was the greatest gift you could have given him. I'm sure he felt respected and cared for in a very special way. If you feel led to, you might stop in to check in with him if doesn't violate any rules where you work. You might also ask if he would be open to a Hospice referral.

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Specializes in Med Surg, Ortho.

Sometimes just listening speaks more than words ever can. Good for you for taking time to listen, we all need to take more time for this. Thanks for your post. :)

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He's not ready to die because he feels like he never really lived. He's only 41.

it 'sounds' like he never did truly live, rather, he survived.

his so-called life, started out horribly and was never taught or experienced the safety and security that we need in order to move forward and grow.

when you're in survivor mode, it's really not an issue of morality/right or wrong, but doing the best you can do with the minimal or even, non-existent resources you have.

and so, you tell him he did what he had to do, in order to care for himself and his siblings.

you try to turn it around, so he can see and appreciate that perhaps, he really DID do some things well.

btw michigan, this is very normal, for dying folks to do a life review.

what i do, for those who are hopeless, is offer my personal philosophy on life and death.

(no, i won't post it here...:chuckle)

and it seems to bring comfort.

i so understand your frustration and heartbreak.

but you already gave him your greatest gift...

you gave him your heart, your time and your concern.

i'm hoping he's getting steady doses of some type of anxiolytic, and whatever else he needs.

prayers for peace and acceptance...

he'll be ok, michigan.

he really will.

leslie

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Specializes in Cardiology, Oncology, Medsurge.

What a world of good you did, Michigangirl, better than any tonic or band aide, just to sit there and listen compassionately.

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Specializes in home health and geriatrics.

Sometimes nursing is not just about the physical...You are a great nurse to have taken the time to listen to a person who really just needed to tell his story and feel like someone cares. Good going and keep up the good work!

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Thank you for such kind and supportive responses. I'm a fairly new nurse, so always feeling like I could have handled things better.

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what i do, for those who are hopeless, is offer my personal philosophy on life and death.

(no, i won't post it here...:chuckle)

and it seems to bring comfort.

leslie

I'd be interested in hearing your personal philosophy if you ever feel like sharing. I'm fairly secure with my own set of beliefs, but I've had a much happier and fulfilling life so it makes sense for me. I don't know what to say to someone who had such a sad life.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It brought tears to my eyes!

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I am curious as to whether or not he wondered what happens after he dies. Is there an after life?

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Thank you for such kind and supportive responses. I'm a fairly new nurse, so always feeling like I could have handled things better.

What a wonderful and compassionate way that you handled this situation!! Truly, dealing with dying patients who are alert and aware that they are dying, is one of the most difficult things for me in nursing. You gave excellent care for your patient.

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Specializes in M/S, MICU, CVICU, SICU, ER, Trauma, NICU.

I wish we could duplicate you.

You make me feel good about being a human being.....

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thank you for being with him and listening to him, michigangirl. you gave him an immeasurable gift. i feel honored to be your fellow nurse. :heartbeat

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