Letting very young children see a dying patient

MBrickle · Jun 17, 2014

Personally, faced with this, I would seek the guidance of a mental health professional on what the best course of action would be. Young kids can't understand illness if their parents look healthy (ie: early stages of cancer) but I would think they can understand it if their parents look visibly sick.

I think with the appropriate supplemental interventions (therapies, counseling, etc) it can be healthy for children. I certainly don't think its selfish to want to see your children before passing. It may also be more confusing for a child to just wake up without a parent one day and never get to see them while they are on their deathbed.

Kids are coddled too much these days. Death is part of life and so I think this is appropriate so long as supplemental grief counseling is provided before and after death.

SoldierNurse22, BSN, RN · Jun 17, 2014

I think there are certain things that children do not need to see. Children are coddled more nowadays, yes--but sometimes, that's for a good reason.

I had a patient who was dying of cancer at one point and was bleeding from every imaginable orifice, as is quite common at the end of life for AML patients. His wife insisted that their children come in to say goodbye. I cannot imagine being five, seven or nine and having my last memory of my father being that of an emaciated, bleeding man, moaning in pain in a hospital bed. Awful. Borderline criminal as the youngest two simply bawled through the entire visit. Their father, who was unable to speak, could do nothing to comfort them, and their mother was absolutely oblivious to their fear, blinded with grief and also unable to explain adequately what was happening.

I don't know if this scenario could've been made better with grief counseling for the kids, though I'm sure they needed it regardless of whether or not they visited their dad before he died. I just can't imagine that being exposed to that kind of macabre scene is helpful in any way as children of that age cannot fully grasp what's happening and all the explanation in the world won't change that.

Cuddleswithpuddles · Jun 17, 2014

Kids are coddled too much these days. Death is part of life and so I think this is appropriate so long as supplemental grief counseling is provided before and after death.

My adopted mom who is a social worker agrees. She said she grew up in a time when dying relatives would stay at home and are not kept away from children. When they pass, their bodies would be kept there until the funeral home can pick them up. The same went for animals. The kids saw dying animals and the slaughter for meat. She is definitely of the opinion that kids are coddled too much.

I am not sure if these children would be receiving mental health services considering the family's socioeconomic status. Still, I do not feel right mandating what they can or cannot handle.

babyNP., APRN · Jun 17, 2014

My grandmother died when I was 18 and my younger sister was 10. Most of the extended family was in the hospital in the waiting room (she had a stroke) and my mom actually wasn't keen on the idea of my sister seeing her grandmother, but when asked, my sister said that she wanted to go. I guess I feel the best scenario is to tell the kids that we are saying goodbye and that grandma won't look like herself to prepare the kids (obviously adjusting per the child's age and maturity).

bsartor · Jun 17, 2014

No personal experience with this myself, but I have a couple of thoughts. Ok here is my wild and crazy belief- Children can handle much more than we realize sometimes. And I personally would want my daughter (she's 3) to experience the birth of sibling or the death of the family member if opportunity presented itself. One of the saddest things of modern medicine is how many people pass away all alone. I personally love the idea of close love ones being there as the loved one passes away. Being there to bathe the patient in love and to celebrate their life! A child may bring some comfort in ways that aren't obvious at first. Death is a part of the circle of life, so I personally feel that children have as much right to be a part of that special moment as anyone. I think it depends more on your own views and beliefs of death, then you can decide what is appropriate for your own children. Last thing, of course it also depends on the type of death and dignity of the dying patient.

MunoRN, RN · Jun 18, 2014

I've come to believe our hesitancy about young children visiting a dying patient isn't because it's traumatic for the child, it's because it's traumatic for us. Kids actually do pretty well with this, arguably better than adults in general. It's certainly not easy for me as a nurse to see a kids face when they see dad for the last time, but it's far healthier for them.

Exhaustipated, ADN, BSN · Jun 18, 2014

Speaking from experience -- my grandfather (who moved in with my family when I was 3) died of cancer when I was 9. My parents told my brother, my sister, and I of his death, but we weren't permitted to see him before he died and we weren't allowed to attend his funeral. That has always bothered me, and I have always felt I was denied the opportunity to say goodbye to the man who had been a huge part of my life.

Overall, I think it would depend on the personality of the child.

LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN · Jun 18, 2014

I've come to believe our hesitancy about young children visiting a dying patient isn't because it's traumatic for the child, it's because it's traumatic for us.

Agree.

I remember having to go visit my grandfather (age 92) post mortem; and my older sister was traumatized seeing him with the ET tube, etc. Granted, our outlook of death and dying and many medical issues are different, and I think observing our grandfather in failed post ACLS state was very upsetting to her.

RoamFreeRN · Jun 19, 2014

Call up your hospital's Child Life Specialist (if you have one)...they're great for preparing & supporting kiddos in these situations.

Cuddleswithpuddles · Jun 20, 2014

Call up your hospital's Child Life Specialist (if you have one)...they're great for preparing & supporting kiddos in these situations.

We do not have a child life specialist and we barely had a social worker as it is. There was one social worker for the entire hospital and she was tied up with suicidal patients in the ED. She was barely able to come see the family.

What does your child life specialist do other than help kids through grieving?

HikingEDRN, BSN, RN · Jun 24, 2014

Speaking from personal experience (and I have posted this on another thread), I am so grateful to the nurses who let my mom bring my age 3-4 year old self to visit my dying father in the hospital (against hospital visiting policy). I remember one time going to the hospital dressed up and my (much) older siblings taking me down the cafeteria for a grape soda after seeing him. Knowing I went made it easier for me growing up as he died when I was 4 and I don't have a lot of memories of him. I know he could not have looked good but all I remember was that I got to see my dad.