Letting very young children see a dying patient

[Cuddleswithpuddles]

Hello all,

I wanted to get some input on letting young children into your critical care units to see their dying moms or dads, especially if the children are at an age when they would normally not be allowed in the unit.

I recently had a very sick patient who was unlikely to survive. Our ICU requires children to be 12 and older in order to visit but I got permission from the house supervisor to let this patient's young kids come in with an adult to say goodbye. The younger ones (around the age of 5) looked confused or numb with shock, the older ones understood and were very, very stricken with grief. Needless to say, it was very emotional.

My coworkers were very conflicted. One person said it was very selfish of the adults to expect their kids to see their parent all gray, jaundiced, bleeding and terribly swollen. I, on the other hand, feel it was my duty to respect the family's wish to have the kids say goodbye.

Maybe the kids will be traumatized, maybe they will not. It is not my place to determine what their kids can and should handle. Then again, I am not a mom.

What do you think? I look forward to hearing your input and experiences!

[Graduation2016]

when my stepfather passed away almost 4 years ago my children were then 14, 10 and 4. I picked them all up, explained what happened (he had been in ICU for over 3 weeks and had just been transferred to another hospital expecting an extended stay, but passed away a few days later). so the boys knew grandpa was very sick. That day, after talking to them they all decided they wanted to go say goodbye in person, even the youngest one. yes he was a little pale and had some of the tubing still in place but the boys managed to lay in bed with him, hold his hands, hug and kiss him (all their choice) and we left. to this day they don't regret seeing grandpa like that and I'm sure they are very grateful they did get to say goodbye even after his passing. while he was in the ICU he was heavily sedated so they couldn't really talk to,him then. even the day of his cremation I went with my then 10 year old and we said goodbye one more time, and walked away, we didn't want to see him going into the incinerator but as we left we looked at each other and ran back and had to be there to see him one last time as the U.S. flag on top of his coffin disappeared in the flames.

[RunninOnCoffee]

I had a pt with 3 very young kids that had been accepted by OPO for donation and mom wanted kids to be able to see dad one last time. While we did not tell the little ones that part we did just tell them that he had been in an accident. Before taking them in there myself as the primary nurse, case management/ social worker, chaplain, and the unit director all sat down with the kids and family to prepare them for the equipment they would see and that dad wasn't going to look exactly the same. We talked for awhile before going in and made sure no one had questions. We stayed with them for awhile and answered all the little ones questions on their level and let them touch and feel. They all did great! Even gave them some of the isolation stethoscopes to play with. I think it's all in how you prepare them.

[Elliot.Kane]

We try as hard as we can to try to tie death into a nice, neat easy-to-deliver package, but it's often not so ideal. We live in a society that fears death, instead of one that sees death as an inevitable part of life. It makes it challenging to discuss death with kids, even though they can grasp the concept of someone not coming back. Maybe they may not understand right then in that moment or may find some of the elements scary, but I think later in their lives they may benefit from the closure that comes with getting to say goodbye in person.