Lawyer Joke Thread

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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Two tigers were walking single file along a jungle trail. The rearmost tiger wandered off the trail for a few minutes, then reappeared. A few moments later, the front tiger felt what seemed to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproved of this action, but didn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then the tiger felt the tongue again, and in the same place. He decided to confront the tiger behind him, and asked, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?" That tiger replied, "Yes, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

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That's it for now.

bob

Why do you want to bury a lawyer 10 feet down?

Because deep down they are really nice guys!!

What do you call 500,000 Lawyers on the bottom of the Ocean

A good start!

From Liar Liar

The kids are having professional day and the teacher asks each one what their mother or father does for a living The kid says My dad is a Liar

She is confused and asks a Liar what do you mean

The kid says you know he goes to court and talks to the Judge and tries to get people out of trouble

OH you mean a Lawyer

The kid just shrugs

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"

A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out

Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

http://www.lawyerjokes101.com/

A lawyer dies and finds himself at the back of a long line at the Pearly Gates. After hours of standing in one spot, an old man carrying two large stone tablets walks past the line and through the Gates. Of course the lawyer is outraged and begins to protest.

A young lady in front of him turns and explains "That's Moses, they know him here."

The lawyer settles back in and waits quietly until a young man wearing a crown of thorns bypasses the line and enters Heaven. The woman, seeing the lawyer bristle, says "Oh that's Jesus, he works here." and again the lawyer calms down.

A short time later an old man with a long gray beard wearing a thee piece suite, carrying a briefcase and talking on a cellular phone strolls past the line, never glancing at anyone around him.

The woman turns to the lawyer and whispers "That's God, he only THINKS he's an attorney."

:chuckle :chuckle :roll

"And first we'll hang alll the lawyers..........................."

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male

:roll

The lawyer had just picked up his new Mercedes. The next day, he drove it work and parked right in front of the building so everyone would see it. As he exited the car, however, a truck blazed past him, taking the door of the brand new Mercedes with it. A police officer arrived, and the apopleptic lawyer ranted and raved for several minutes.

The police officer shook his head and commented, "I just can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are ..."

"What do you mean?" replied the lawyer.

"Here you are, raving about your car ... did you not notice your arm is torn off?? It must have been severed in the accident!"

The lawyer looked down at his arm ...

"MY GOD - MY ROLEX TOO!!!"