Just found out my partner's dad is a DNR

BlueDevil,DNP, DNP, RN · Jul 29, 2012

ionatan- What I gather is that you and I have very different ideas of decorum and boundaries and as such probably would not be very helpful to one another in many instances regarding nursing, or anything else. Best of luck to you.

ionatan · Jul 29, 2012

Is she a big case of crazy? If so, the best advice I can give is to fully explain why you want it, and then get into the intricate details to prevent an irrational response.

I don't think she is crazy, although she was a VP of a hospital; so I do think she should know better. I don't get it at all. That is why I am trying to get everything in order. I am alone in the house with him on certain days, and I want to be prepared if something happens. I also don't want to perform CPR on someone who does not want it. I like your comment :)

ionatan · Jul 29, 2012

Oh, and I would like to add that my partner actually told me about this without me even asking about it. Otherwise I would have probably never asked. I would have just handled an emergency the same way I would handle it with any other person. I would have commenced CPR if necessary. The fact that my partner told me that his father is a DNR is why I am trying to get a copy of the paperwork.

morte, LPN, LVN · Jul 29, 2012

I think the living arrangement is what makes all the difference here.

I use the word partner exclusively with patients in effort to be inclusive. I use it with 70 year olds sitting next to their opposite sex partner, lol. I didn't realize it was being used here to imply anything because it is part of my everyday language and I don't infer anything from it.
We disagree about some aspects of "family." I do not consider my partner's (see what I did there ) parents my family, and I do not know, or want to know, what their end of life plans are. I would never even dream of asking. I would be aghast if one of my siblings' lovers asked what my parents end of life plans are. It is not something I would ever anticipate to be discussed outside of the intimacy of the blood nuclear family. Other people, including the OP, apparently :chuckle: see it differently.
And apology accepted, thank you.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Jul 29, 2012

my partner's family failed to tell me about the dnr status of their 82 year-old father until last week. he lives with us. he is pretty healthy but has recently been feeling some general malaise and weakness. the my partner's only sibling who is the healthcare poa stated he is absolutely a dnr, but she lives out of state. i am uncomfortable not having his advanced directives here at the home to reference to incase of an emergency. what do you suggest my fellow nurses? i am going to ask for my partner's sister to submit a letter to me stating that he is a dnr at the very least, since she is the healthcare poa. do you think i am blowing this out of proportion? please leave your feedback.

if your partner's father is living with you and is competent, perhaps he should designate you and your partner as poa. at that time, he could review the dnr status and decide whether or not to rescind it. you haven't said anything about the gentleman being mentally incompetent, so he should be making his own decisions. and since he lives with you now, new paperwork seems in order.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Jul 29, 2012

depends upon your definition of family. if my mother-in-law were living with me, i'd certainly consider myself to be part of the family and therefore part of the decision making process. if the op is heterosexual and isn't married, then probably not family. but same sex couples don't have the rights the rest of us have.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Jul 29, 2012

i know my post was long, but i thought that was addressed clearly in this section;
not your family
lets his son (i.e. family) deal with it. it isn't any of your concern, and that fact isn't mitigated in the least due to the nature of your occupation or the coincidence of sharing a mailing address, lol. i simply cannot imagine my reaction if one of my brothers' paramours had ever had the audacity to ask about personal family matters. fortunately they all knew their place.
i gather you want to get all up in their business and make their family drama your drama, perhaps as some way to try to solidify the relationship. go for it. however, you asked for opinions, and in mine, it is completely out of order. good luck.

"one of your brother's paramours" is not at all the same thing as a committed couple in a long term relationship. while i don't know the op or his/her relationship, nor do you, i don't think it's fair to assume that they're just "paramours." especially since marriage is currently denied to same sex partners in most states.

BlueDevil,DNP, DNP, RN · Jul 29, 2012

quote:

depends upon your definition of family. if my mother-in-law were living with me, i'd certainly consider myself to be part of the family and therefore part of the decision making process. if the op is heterosexual and isn't married, then probably not family. but same sex couples don't have the rights the rest of us have.

i think this is evolving into a meta discussion having little to do with the ops situation, and i am always loathe to disagree with ruby! i still think the nature of the relationship between the op and the significant other is irrelevant. in my opinion, this is a family matter and best handled by the gentleman's children. my siblings and i would not take kindly to outsiders getting involved in these sorts of issues. it simply would not be acceptable, legalities and and the nature of occupations aside. i have been with my partner for almost 30 years; we do not meddle in the others' family business. if my sister's husband of 25years were to ask about my parents end of life plans, i'd think his cheese had slipped off his cracker. no, simply not done in our set. :nono:

BlueDevil,DNP, DNP, RN · Jul 29, 2012

"one of your brother's paramours" is not at all the same thing as a committed couple in a long term relationship. while i don't know the op or his/her relationship, nor do you, i don't think it's fair to assume that they're just "paramours." especially since marriage is currently denied to same sex partners in most states.

again, i don't know what they are to each other and i do not think it relevant. the op is not related by blood* to the patient in question, and that is all i need to know to form my opinion. my advice to anyone in such circumstances, regardless of the other details, stay out of it!

*edited to say by blood or legal adoption

BluegrassRN · Jul 29, 2012

If my mother in law were living with us, and I was helping provide care for her in whatever form (medical, personal, whatever), and/or I was expected to provide or seek medical care should an issue arise, you bet I would feel it would be relevant to know my mother in law's wishes, and to have copies of any DNR/DPOA paperwork. I fail to see how you can have someone living in your home, have some responsibility for them, and NOT have this situation addressed.

If the father is competent, though, why not just discuss it with him? Encourage him to have copies of his paperwork at home and at his physician's office.

morte, LPN, LVN · Jul 29, 2012

I think the important difference here, is that the father is living in their household. If the father were in the POAs household, yup, I might think it strange if OP were to ask this question. Other than the general, " this matter has been addressed, yes"? sort of way.

again, I don't know what they are to each other and I do not think it relevant. The OP is not related by blood* to the patient in question, and that is all I need to know to form my opinion. My advice to anyone in such circumstances, regardless of the other details, stay out of it!
*edited to say by blood or legal adoption

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN · Jul 29, 2012

thanks for the advice grntea and everybody else. this has been very helpful for me. i live in pa so i will try to find out what the emts would need to see to withhold cpr.

here you go.

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[td=width: 75%]out-of-hospital nonresuscitation act. on november 29, 2006, pennsylvania enacted a statute (p.l. 1484, no. 169) that repealed the dnr act and replaced it with the out-of-hospital nonresuscitation act (act) (20 pa.c.s. 5481-5488). the effective date of the act is january 28, 2007. the act empowers a person with an end-stage medical condition or an appropriate representative of that person to secure an out-of-hospital dnr order and, at the person's option or the option of an authorized representative, an out-of-hospital dnr bracelet or necklace. these items, just as those that were issued under the former dnr act, direct ems personnel in the out-of-hospital setting not to provide the person for whom they were issued with cpr in the event of the person's cardiac or respiratory arrest. the act also specifies the circumstances under which an appropriate representative of a person who issued a living will under the living will act (20 pa.c.s. 5441-5447) is able to secure an out-of-hospital dnr order, bracelet or necklace for the person. (the living will act replaced the advance declaration for health care act. hereafter, the repealed advance declaration for health care act will be referred to as "the former living will act" and a declaration issued under that statute will be referred to as a "living will," the same as a living will under the living will act.)
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click on the links below to download more information about dnr orders
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