Is my supervisor trying to get me to quit?

[ABQLNDRN]

Hi Everyone,

I really need some advice.

My supervisor has lately been ignoring my schedule requests and giving me strange schedules and I think she is trying to "weed me out." I don't know--maybe I'm just being overly-sensitive and paranoid.

Two weeks ago, I brought a "bullying" problem up to my supervisor. Another nurse, "AN," has been nasty to me for the last 8 months. When I came back to work after having had surgery in March, she was angry that I was working OB Triage "all the time" and loudly (before report, in front of other nurses) complained about that. I ended up working with HER in Triage that day. She was COLD AS ICE to me. Initially (becaue I didn't hear her complain that morning in the report room) I thought that maybe she was just having a bad day and didn't worry about it. Her complaint got back to me the next day.

I felt very hurt by her complaint because I thought we were friends, or were at least friendLY. I was able to talk to the nurse she complained to, who denied being the "one who was worried about it." I didn't get to talk to AN because she wasn't there that day. I was so stunned that she had complained that I...talked to a couple of other nurses about it. That was immature and wrong of me. At the time I didn't know what else to do to process me feelings.

I'm sure things got back to AN because her coldness towards me almost started a new Ice Age. I sent her an e-mail, apologizing for having talked to other nurses. She remained cold towards me and did not even address the fact that she received th e-mail for SEVEN WEEKS. When she finally did talk to me, she had her eyes half-closed and talked to me like I was an idiot and said that she "didn't have the time for all this high-school drama." She said she "had a job to do." I replied that "Neither do I, and so do I." I brought the situation to my supervisor's attention and simply requested that I not be assigned to work side-by-side with this nurse in the OR or Triage. She had no problem with that.

Throughout all of this, I contimued to do my job and take her of her patients PRN as well as mine and others'. ( I work L&D, so I just answer call lights no matter whose patient uses them). I acted professionally. Honestly, I did. Perhaps because of this, AN and I were able to find a happy medium and work together. I then checked back in with my supervisor and told her that things were resolved between AN and I and we were working together well.

About a month ago, AN started be cold and rude to me again. She was relief charge one day (a day that I was only there for 4 hours) and micro-managed me from the minute I got there until I left. Those 4 hours felt like a full 12.

At that point, I had it. I talked to my supervisor again and told her that AN was displaying bullying behavior toward me and I was not going to tolerate it. I was becoming stressed about going to work and being at work whenever she was there. At that time, my supervisor seemed understanding and concerned and wanted to solve the problem. I said that I did not want an intervention at the time but if another event occurred, I wanted something done.

The next thing I know, my schedule goes haywire. Suddenly I'm getting one-on, one-off, one-on, one-off work weeks, my requested days off are not being granted (which I need to take my special-needs daughter to appointments), and I am working a LOT more weekends when other people are working one or two weekend days in the monthlong schedule. I also happened to notice the rough draft of the schedule sitting out one day--almost everyone else's requests were filled in while mine line of the schedule was left blank, as if I was going to fill in all the empty spots. Additionally, I was scheduled to work the day before, of and after Thanksgiving when I worked Thanksgiving the year before. (On my unit, they say that if you worked a particular holiday the year before, you will get it off the subsequent year).

Additional information: I am the ONLY person AN doesn't like at work. Fact. Everyone else thinks she is HILARIOUS, even though she loudly and regularly swears at the front desk. (I have brought this up as well--it is BEYOND unprofessional). I mean, AN is funny, I'll give her that. She'd be a great stand-up comedian, but the bar language belongs in a bar, not in a hospital. AN also thinks quite a bit of her nursing skills. She carries on like she is about as smart as they get and I am not the only one who has noticed that. So, there a clique that I am not in and have no interest in.

I am going to confront my supervisor about all of this tomorrow but I need advice on what to say to her. I feel like she is bullying me as well with the schedule. Maybe she isn't. I don't know. I love my job with a passion, but I feel like I am being weeded out. Am I, or am I just paranoid? Thanks for your opinions.

[Evalynn]

As for your supervisor, do you really expect to always have your day off that you want? That doesn't always happen where I work, and I wouldn't presume the manipulation of the schedule is happening. And if you think it is, WHY NOT JUST ASK? Obviously, you've gone to them and asked to avoid AN. Do you know how annoying it is for a subordinate to ask to not work with someone? It's a lot of work on their part--and that's the darn truth.

First, she asked not to work in the same area as AN, she doesn't care about the day. If that schedule manipulating is annoying to the supervisor, maybe she should try to remedy the situation instead of protecting AN.

My two cents again... if you think something is happening behind your back, it probably is. No one wants to feel paranoid, but I'm the kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt until they just about literally stab me in the back because I don't want to come across as paranoid. That back fired for me. I realized through experience that some people really will do nasty things to you - like deliberatly give you a bummer of a schedule - just to passively aggressively make you miserable because they see you as a threat (alpha female types do this to get/stay on top). What I learned also doesn't help the situation (or didn't for me), is directly calling someone out like "Are you deliberatly manipulating my schedule?" That makes the person go on the defensive. And come on, if someone is that passive aggressive to make you work on all the days you want to have off, do you really think they'll say, "Well, actually, yes, I WAS doing that just to make you miserable."

The best thing to do is to quietly observe what's going around you, like you have been doing, gather evidence in case there's a blow out and develop unemotional solutions to direct problems. Maybe you could find someone who will cover the shift you need, and you could agree to cover one of theirs in the future... then go to your supervisor and say, "Hey, I noticed you scheduled me for this day, but I really can't work it. However ___ agreed to work it for me, and I'm taking this shift for them." If you can pull it off, that would fix the situation without turning it into a confrontation. If you're not sure that you can convince someone to do it because you feel like people are against you, keep your ears open for someone who needs a quick shift cover, and then get in writing from them that they will cover your shift in the future in exchange for you covering there's (get this AS SOON AS YOU CAN if someone is calling in sick and can't give it to you before you work their shift). It is really awkward to ask for this, but if they aren't your buddy, they may back out of it, and then you have the letter (and put it in a safe place, give a copy to your supervisor). Yes, had experience with this also, with someone who I thought was my buddy, and at my supervisor's demand had to get it in writing - it saved my butt because this coworker told my boss that I never told her I was taking off a certain day - and she tried to hide the letter too!! I asked for the day off months in advance, so when the day rolled around, my boss had forgotten about it, so luckily, the letter with my "buddy's" signature refreshed her memory.

I guess just think of it like a game where you're trying to out smart people and try not to be mad (or vent to some close nonwork friends/family to get it out, and then try to be done with it - don't feed off your own anger and make it worse). If you're mad, you won't be clear headed, and you'll be quick to anger if someone provokes you which will make you lose credibility - even if you have a huge right to be mad.

And find a job with nice people, and in the mean time, hang out with nice people outside of work so you don't lose your faith/love for your fellow human beings. :)

[ABQLNDRN]

Actually, not meant to be catty. You're stuck in a bad position and I hijacked your post. For that misdemeanor, my apologies. I shouldn't have done that.

Here's the advice you won't want to hear. AN is a person who obviously doesn't communicate. Or she is deciding she doesn't want to communicate. You either take or not. YOU decide. You don't like her? Like her? Does that run your life at work? Decide how important she is in the grand scheme of things. THAT's Number one. As for professionalism, you obviously do not work with professionals or you wouldn't have these "personality" and "ego" issues. Much to your disdain and mine, you are obviously in the midst of a female/Queen Bee dominated department. YOU are the one who is going to be expected to cowtow. The question is, will you want to?

If it were me, I would have a one to one with my co-worker...the "let's take this outside" attitude. Does she clearly dislike you? Well, that can't be helped. YOU have to deal with that and accept it or not. If that doesn't change things, too bad. You decide to stay or go, obviously that's not going to change her.

As for your supervisor, do you really expect to always have your day off that you want? That doesn't always happen where I work, and I wouldn't presume the manipulation of the schedule is happening. And if you think it is, WHY NOT JUST ASK? Obviously, you've gone to them and asked to avoid AN. Do you know how annoying it is for a subordinate to ask to not work with someone? It's a lot of work on their part--and that's the darn truth.

And as for everyone else, you can't take what they say without getting offended. Obviously, you have some things to work on too. You want professionalism? Don't expect to be liked. It's not a priority. Who cares? Just punch in, punch out.

Your last option? Leave.

J

Thanks, J. I appreciate your thoughts. You are right...I do have issues to work on... I am actually working on issues in my life with a professional. I am under an enormous amount of stress outside of work as well with my special-needs teenage daughter who is on the verge of a monthlong inpatient psych hospitalization...ugh...I digress. But anyhow, you are right. I have to work on some stuff.

I don't care if that nurse likes me or not. I just want her to be professional and not harrass me, which is what she's doing. It's not just the silent treatment. She's said rude things.

I don't expect my supervisor to give me all of my requests, no. I certainly don't expect that out of her or any sceduler. I did tell my unit manager when I was hired that Sundays were nearly impossible because of daycare issues with my daughter and that was something they accepted when they hired me. Now I am getting scheduled for Sundays, which forces me to take FMLA. Also, the occasional days I need off to take my daughter to appointments (which are designated as such) on the schedule are not being granted. I don't ask for a lot of requests. Honestly, I don't. I'm not unrealistic.

Anyhow, thanks for your feedback, J. I appreciate your perspective.

[ABQLNDRN]

You give the BEST advice, Evalynn. I like you.

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

Thanks, J. I appreciate your thoughts. You are right...I do have issues to work on... I am actually working on issues in my life with a professional. I am under an enormous amount of stress outside of work as well with my special-needs teenage daughter who is on the verge of a monthlong inpatient psych hospitalization...ugh...I digress. But anyhow, you are right. I have to work on some stuff.

I don't care if that nurse likes me or not. I just want her to be professional and not harrass me, which is what she's doing. It's not just the silent treatment. She's said rude things.

I don't expect my supervisor to give me all of my requests, no. I certainly don't expect that out of her or any sceduler. I did tell my unit manager when I was hired that Sundays were nearly impossible because of daycare issues with my daughter and that was something they accepted when they hired me. Now I am getting scheduled for Sundays, which forces me to take FMLA. Also, the occasional days I need off to take my daughter to appointments (which are designated as such) on the schedule are not being granted. I don't ask for a lot of requests. Honestly, I don't. I'm not unrealistic.

Anyhow, thanks for your feedback, J. I appreciate your perspective.

I'm seeing things a little more clearly...if I may? It sounds like you have enough on your plate at home--the last thing you need--or for that matter ANYONE needs--is an additional UNNECESSARY STRESSOR.

The old adage...keep your enemies closer comes to mind....I'd have a one on one discussion with AN and just be upfront. Don't give too much of what happens personally, but just say exactly what you would like...a less tense work environment. ASK HER what it is about YOU that is bothering her. Your OP suggested that maybe she is "over" you being--might I say, "coddled?" "favored", "babied"? Not my perception, but perhaps hers?

How about, "can we please clear the air?" I don't expect us to be friends, and I don't expect us to be even buddies. But I have so much going on at home...I'd really like to think that work is a form of escape...or something like that. See if she will be willing to create a bridge.

If she doesn't want to. At least you can say you tried. My next step would be to resign myself to that situation--that is reconcile that the situation is probably permanent and I'm just going to deal with it--or not. Remember, the situation itself can change depending on how badly you allow it to affect you. YOU are in control of YOU. That's it. Period. Very hard, I know...but doable.

Try it.

[tyvin, BSN, RN]

I wouldn't have any talk with her. I would keep my ears and eyes open and go about my business. If you keep stoking the fire it will not go out. I also would not give that extra attention that you've mentioned to us in regards to helping her out with her patients; you've mentioned it about 3 times so I think you believe you are helping her but it is helping fan the fire. I'm not saying ignore them if you're near and need assist but don't go out of your way to do so; I'll bet it just irritates her when you do it (she just sounds like that type). Anyway....

As one who has done the schedules before it is an absolute hassle to have to contend with this type of situation. Don't be too hard on the scheduler as it is a loathsome task that is not rewarded very often with any proper thank you or appreciation for what is actually done to accomplish it. It's filled with complaints and people hovering over you wondering why you're trying to sabotage their lives (believe me you're not the only one that is keeping a close eye on the schedule).

[Evalynn]

You give the BEST advice, Evalynn. I like you.

Thank you, ABQLNDRN! I really hope it works out for you, and I hope the best for your daughter too. It sounds like you have so much stress going on in your life! I'll send you good thoughts!!

[OgopogoLPN, LPN, RN]

am i the only one who sees a lot of red flags in this post?

you complained because your coworker was "nasty" to you . . . and you complained to your supervisor no less. you said you didn't want to work with her anymore because she was mean to you -- and now your schedule is going haywire. schedules are hard enough to work out without considering personality conflicts that a staff member is unable or unwilling to solve on her own. you've got scheduling requests because of your special needs child, and scheduling requests because you cannot get along with a coworker. which scheduling requests to you intend to take priority? the ones for your child's appointments or the request not to work with an? or did you think all of your scheduling requests should be granted?

yes, your supervisor may be trying to get you to quit. you've become someone who is a lot of work for her to deal with. you're running to "mommy" with complaints that a coworker is mean to you, unwilling to try to solve the issue on your own and now you want special treatment so you don't have to work with the mean old bully -- who you admit gets along with everyone else.

not everyone is going to like you. accept that an doesn't like you -- for whatever reason -- and move on. unfortunately in your case that might be moving right on into another job because evidently your supervisor has decided she's had enough. if you really want to stay in this job, you're going to have to learn to get along with an, solve your problems on your own, and prove to your supervisor that you're not going to be a problem to her anymore. good luck. it's very easy to get a reputation for being difficult, very difficult to overcome that reputation.

this whole post implies that the op is the problem here and not an. mind you we do only have the op's side to the story and there are always two sides. however, this is making the victim at fault here. she does have the right to a bully free work environment. if the manager is purposely messing around with her schedule in order to get her to quit, that is also a form of bullying and should not be tolerated. it sounds like the op tried to resolve this problem, tried to be mature and communicative about it, tried to keep the peace with an until it became too much to handle and was making her miserable. she has every right to speak with her manager abou this without fear of being labelled "difficult"

way to blame the victim.

[ABQLNDRN]

Thank you, OgopogoLPN!!!:hug:

[steelydanfan]

am i the only one who sees a lot of red flags in this post?

you complained because your coworker was "nasty" to you . . . and you complained to your supervisor no less. you said you didn't want to work with her anymore because she was mean to you -- and now your schedule is going haywire. schedules are hard enough to work out without considering personality conflicts that a staff member is unable or unwilling to solve on her own. you've got scheduling requests because of your special needs child, and scheduling requests because you cannot get along with a coworker. which scheduling requests to you intend to take priority? the ones for your child's appointments or the request not to work with an? or did you think all of your scheduling requests should be granted?

yes, your supervisor may be trying to get you to quit. you've become someone who is a lot of work for her to deal with. you're running to "mommy" with complaints that a coworker is mean to you, unwilling to try to solve the issue on your own and now you want special treatment so you don't have to work with the mean old bully -- who you admit gets along with everyone else.

not everyone is going to like you. accept that an doesn't like you -- for whatever reason -- and move on. unfortunately in your case that might be moving right on into another job because evidently your supervisor has decided she's had enough. if you really want to stay in this job, you're going to have to learn to get along with an, solve your problems on your own, and prove to your supervisor that you're not going to be a problem to her anymore. good luck. it's very easy to get a reputation for being difficult, very difficult to overcome that reputation.

while alot of this may seem harsh, there are a few kernels to be harvested. your first mistake was to not to document the problem behaviour, then request a meeting with a.n. with your supervisor present. that alone would have identified you as someone who is seriously trying to resolve a conflict, rather than whining about a percieved insult. sorry, but you should know that egos get bent all the time, and it is hard for your supervisor to distinguish between abuse and personality conflict without some concrete examples.

second, you have written about your scheduling needs as a parent. and you can't have everything. you have to pick your battles.

and don't quit if you like your job otherwise. there will be an an at every job you have. you have to learn to deal with these situations.