Is something wrong with me?

weetziebat · Nov 28, 2004

Jason, first I'd like to say how sorry I am about what happened to that child.

Now I'm not even a psych nurse, but I do think how you are feeling and acting is your way of grieving, and dealing with the horror of the situation. It all seems unreal. I have known other men who could not cry either, no matter what happened. But that certainly didn't mean they didn't feel. It just comes out in different ways.

Think it is good that you don't have to work yet. Take care of yourself and let yourself feel bad - no need to cry. Just give yourself permission to grieve.

And don't be so hard on yourself. We all deal differently with things. :)

saskrn · Nov 28, 2004

I am a new graduate working in a busy ED. I have some years working as a paramedic before becoming a nurse. I have seen death before both professionally and in my private life. I always was secretly concerned that perhaps i lacked a certain degree of compassion that I have seen some of the other nurses had. NOt to say that I am cold, but I see many people that put themselves in the ED because of their own stupid actions. I have even rationalized that perhaps this is a good thing because I am able to remain calm and think critically through a situation which benifits my patient.
On thanksgiving night, the place was jammed. You know, abd pain, gall bladder attacks, acute MI's ... normal fare..... However around 0230, a call came in that an attempted suicide was coming in. I overheard someone jokingly say, well the holiday season has offically begun... We get the trauma bay ready. IN rolls the squad, CPR is being done on the patient. As we are lifting the pt to the bed, we learn that this is an 11 year old that hung himself in his family's bathroom. HE became asystolic enroute. I took over compressions while an IO was placed.
After working this young kid for what seemed liked forever, His mother came into the rooom. Crying and pleading with him to breath. OF course I know its not going to happen. We perform another round of ACLS for show basically, and I overheard the MD explaining to mom that even if we regain perfusion there will be no neurological function. Mom makes the decision to stop.
Nurses crying everywhere, family crying everywhere, clergy is called for the mother. I felt terrible for Mom. But yet, I questioned to myself why I didnt feel worse. Ice was applied to the pts eyes while the HOB was elevated. Later I returned to help bag the patient because no one else really wanted to go back in there.
Needless to say, I finished my shift at 0700. Then I slept for 20 of the next 24 hours. And 20 more hours saturday. I dont think i am that far behind on my sleep. IS this my coping mechanism? OThers seem to be able to express emotion outward. I didnt express any because yes i felt bad, but i didnt feel like i needed to cry.
Strange thing is,, I wish I had to go to work today. I am off until 1900 Monday. I dont know what to do with myself. I need to take a shower and shave but dont really feel like it. I should go to the gym and exercise, but I dont feel like doing that either.
I dont know if anything that i am writing makes any sense to anyone that happens to be reading this. I am not sure that it is helping me either. I jsut feel like I am in some strange sur-real state of mind. even while I am awake it all seems like a dream.
I love my job, but I wish I was able to express in words the strange feeling that I have.
I guess there is no answer. Thanks

I am considered a "technical" nurse, and not really emotional at all. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and lacked the emotion that you speak of.

IMO, your post sounds so....hollow (?). I think you need to talk to someone. Are you getting burned out? Do you feel depressed? How are you responding to your family and friends?

Just my 2 cents.....

emsboss · Nov 28, 2004

Jasonn...You NEED to get a CISD (Critical Incident Stress Debriefing) team together ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!...This type of incident is traumatic to even the most hardened (read, experienced) nurse/EMS personnel. If you do not get with the team...At least talk to others in your profession and talk through the code. And...Don't forget...You ARE still a human...And you need to grieve.

SpankyRN · Nov 28, 2004

Jason,

I agree with the above post, you need to get a CISD team toghter and talk about it, you may not be the only person feeling this way, and it may help you deal with the problem, and it also may help your co-workers too. I have been involved in a few instances with the CISD team, and it certainly has helped me and my co-workers.

Good Luck

CCL"Babe", BSN, RN · Nov 28, 2004

Jason, I was not a cryer in the ED or pre-hospital either. Often I would have that hollow lackluster feeling, especailly after a emotionally charged situation. I wished I could cry, but just not in my nature. I could do pedi codes and other situations that others in my dept would avoid. Eventually a situation came along, and I just couln't deal with any more of it. After 15 years, I had to walk away, for me.

Eventually it does catch up. You do need to talk. CSID is a good forum, unfortunately hospitals are less likely to embrace them.

bargainhound, RN · Nov 28, 2004

Sleeping so much is from exhaustion mentally and physically. What you describe are symptoms of depression.

See a physician and get RX help also...psychotropic med can help even when you don't understand what you are feeling/why, etc.

Pattiecake · Nov 28, 2004

Jason

You described my early life as an ED nurse. Even the sleeping part and wanting to be at work on my day off. I am so sorry you are going through this. Recognizing that this is not normal is the first step to being able to do something about it. Get some counseling. I learned after leaving the ED (my husband relocated to another city) that what I had was burnout. You have ben exposed to so many horrific things for an extended period of time, and it causes you to lose your ability to feel the way you should. I took a geriatric job after I moved and it kind of re-introduced me to people, not codes and crisis, and put me back in touch with my compassion and empathy. I have never gone back to ED nursing. I don't miss it either.

Good luck to you.

Pat

Trauma Columnist · Nov 28, 2004

Jason - you sound like a very concerned and compassionate nurse, just not one prone to crying. That is okay. However, I find (I'm a very experienced level one trauma center RN as well as a pre-hospital RN) that sometimes you do need outside assistance. For me, it involved a 4 y/o who was tortured to death for 90 minutes. Even to this day (its well over 8 years later) I still get upset thinking or talking about it. I participated in a CISD and it really helped. From you post - you know there is something missing - please seek help. Good luck...it is the only way to last in this business. judi

nursemike, ASN, RN · Nov 28, 2004

Excessive sleeping and feeling empty are certainly symptoms of depression, although 2 days does not a disorder make. I agree it would be helpful to have a chance to talk it out, but I wouldn't reach for the antidepressants just yet. Grief is a natural reaction at a time like this, and it probably just needs to run its course.

Crying can be a great catharsis, but a lot of people--perhaps especially males--don't cry easily. I know I don't. I hate to cry. I hate the feeling that I've lost control of my feelings. I hate losing my temper, too. I don't know why-- my father has always been very expressive of his feelings. I certainly have feelings, and, clearly, so do you, but I don't like my feelings to "get the better of me." Does that sound familiar?

I think you were wise to post this. Getting it out should help you, and the combination of relative anonymity and (generally) unconditional support can be therapeutic. We don't know you--but, in a way, we do, and we care about you, as strange as it sounds. Still, a face to face talk might be helpful to you, as well.

Trying to control your feelings is futile. You feel what you feel. Trying to control how you express your feelings is often appropriate and a sign of maturity. Feeling secure enough to let your feelings out is great, too, but I don't think it's something you can force, and you sure don't need to worry about what others think (if that's any part of your concern).

Good luck. You sound like a good nurse. Keeping your wits in a crisis is a gift--or maybe it's a skill. Anyway, if you gave that kid (and his mother) your best effort, you did your job, and that's all anyone can ask.

MQ Edna · Nov 28, 2004

I am a new graduate working in a busy ED. I have some years working as a paramedic before becoming a nurse. I have seen death before both professionally and in my private life. I always was secretly concerned that perhaps i lacked a certain degree of compassion that I have seen some of the other nurses had. NOt to say that I am cold, but I see many people that put themselves in the ED because of their own stupid actions. I have even rationalized that perhaps this is a good thing because I am able to remain calm and think critically through a situation which benifits my patient.
On thanksgiving night, the place was jammed. You know, abd pain, gall bladder attacks, acute MI's ... normal fare..... However around 0230, a call came in that an attempted suicide was coming in. I overheard someone jokingly say, well the holiday season has offically begun... We get the trauma bay ready. IN rolls the squad, CPR is being done on the patient. As we are lifting the pt to the bed, we learn that this is an 11 year old that hung himself in his family's bathroom. HE became asystolic enroute. I took over compressions while an IO was placed.
After working this young kid for what seemed liked forever, His mother came into the rooom. Crying and pleading with him to breath. OF course I know its not going to happen. We perform another round of ACLS for show basically, and I overheard the MD explaining to mom that even if we regain perfusion there will be no neurological function. Mom makes the decision to stop.
Nurses crying everywhere, family crying everywhere, clergy is called for the mother. I felt terrible for Mom. But yet, I questioned to myself why I didnt feel worse. Ice was applied to the pts eyes while the HOB was elevated. Later I returned to help bag the patient because no one else really wanted to go back in there.
Needless to say, I finished my shift at 0700. Then I slept for 20 of the next 24 hours. And 20 more hours saturday. I dont think i am that far behind on my sleep. IS this my coping mechanism? OThers seem to be able to express emotion outward. I didnt express any because yes i felt bad, but i didnt feel like i needed to cry.
Strange thing is,, I wish I had to go to work today. I am off until 1900 Monday. I dont know what to do with myself. I need to take a shower and shave but dont really feel like it. I should go to the gym and exercise, but I dont feel like doing that either.
I dont know if anything that i am writing makes any sense to anyone that happens to be reading this. I am not sure that it is helping me either. I jsut feel like I am in some strange sur-real state of mind. even while I am awake it all seems like a dream.
I love my job, but I wish I was able to express in words the strange feeling that I have.
I guess there is no answer. Thanks

There is nothing wrong with you at all, everyone deals with these horrific situations differently, I too tend to get very clinical when all the s*** is going down, then it takes me a day or to get back to normal funtioning... I don't cry much-never have but was raised not to ever show weakness,lol I know it's sick but it's just the way it was my family was very non-demonstrative.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit & have a good cry but it just won't come out! I have seen a few suicides come in the ER in my time & one in particular that I'll never forget but I just can't get emotional about it or I'd never go back to work again. My feelings, they were very tortured souls that had to move on to another place to get some peace.

Sounds like your internalizing this event & it sounds like an awful evening but you did what you had to do at the time now you have to process everything. It takes time & you do need to grieve in your own way & at your own pace. HUGS to you Jason-if you start feeling symptoms of depression about it go to your supervisor there are programs in place at ER depts to help staff deal with these situations, it's very common in this line of work. I think your a very sensitive guy you just do things your own way & there is nothing wrong with that.

-Sara

chip193 · Nov 28, 2004

Jason,

Everyone handles stress in their own way. I, too, am a new grad working in a relatively busy (55K visits) ER that's is also an isolated hospital (45 min to an hour to get to the next place). I was a medic for 15 years before my career change.

On Thursday morning (Thanksgiving), a male presents to triage with a stab to the chest and to the face. My coping mechanism was, to take one from the "Retarded Paramedic Playbook" was to start singing (softly) while taking care of the other 9 patients in the cardiac/trauma suite:

"'Tis the season to be jolly

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Start the Season with a Stabing

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

A little blood here, little blood there

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la"

You get the idea.

I'm more outward with a sarcastic spin on things. I know other people who would have just cried when handed your situation. Others do what I do. Others do what you do. Still others do things that are self-destructive - like drink, drugs, etc.

It all matters what works for you.

Good luck,

Chip

I am a new graduate working in a busy ED. I have some years working as a paramedic before becoming a nurse. I have seen death before both professionally and in my private life. I always was secretly concerned that perhaps i lacked a certain degree of compassion that I have seen some of the other nurses had. NOt to say that I am cold, but I see many people that put themselves in the ED because of their own stupid actions. I have even rationalized that perhaps this is a good thing because I am able to remain calm and think critically through a situation which benifits my patient.
On thanksgiving night, the place was jammed. You know, abd pain, gall bladder attacks, acute MI's ... normal fare..... However around 0230, a call came in that an attempted suicide was coming in. I overheard someone jokingly say, well the holiday season has offically begun... We get the trauma bay ready. IN rolls the squad, CPR is being done on the patient. As we are lifting the pt to the bed, we learn that this is an 11 year old that hung himself in his family's bathroom. HE became asystolic enroute. I took over compressions while an IO was placed.
After working this young kid for what seemed liked forever, His mother came into the rooom. Crying and pleading with him to breath. OF course I know its not going to happen. We perform another round of ACLS for show basically, and I overheard the MD explaining to mom that even if we regain perfusion there will be no neurological function. Mom makes the decision to stop.
Nurses crying everywhere, family crying everywhere, clergy is called for the mother. I felt terrible for Mom. But yet, I questioned to myself why I didnt feel worse. Ice was applied to the pts eyes while the HOB was elevated. Later I returned to help bag the patient because no one else really wanted to go back in there.
Needless to say, I finished my shift at 0700. Then I slept for 20 of the next 24 hours. And 20 more hours saturday. I dont think i am that far behind on my sleep. IS this my coping mechanism? OThers seem to be able to express emotion outward. I didnt express any because yes i felt bad, but i didnt feel like i needed to cry.
Strange thing is,, I wish I had to go to work today. I am off until 1900 Monday. I dont know what to do with myself. I need to take a shower and shave but dont really feel like it. I should go to the gym and exercise, but I dont feel like doing that either.
I dont know if anything that i am writing makes any sense to anyone that happens to be reading this. I am not sure that it is helping me either. I jsut feel like I am in some strange sur-real state of mind. even while I am awake it all seems like a dream.
I love my job, but I wish I was able to express in words the strange feeling that I have.
I guess there is no answer. Thanks