I suffer from disassociative identity disorder...

Published

You could almost say that I have two different personalities. :(...It gets really hard at times because I tend to zone out and distance myself from everyone. I was diagnosed with this a few years ago. I suffered from extensive physical and emotional childhood abuse. For some reason, I can't seem to let go of this inner part of me. I don't sit around thinking about what I went through when I was younger, but I do not form relationships very easily. I don't trust anyone anymore. This is starting to affect me in clinicals. I think my clinical instructor knows that something is wrong. She's not mean to me, but once she made a comment that was very hurtful. She said that I look like I have "dead eyes"... People say that the eyes are the key to the soul and she said that I basically look dead, empty inside.

I am able to function, but as of lately I am starting to switch moods very easily. My cousin even mentioned something to me today that wasn't surprising. She kept asking me what was wrong. She said that I look like I am in another world most of the time. She says that I look deep in thought and put to much thought into the littlest things.:crying2: I agree with her. I told her that I do think too much. I've tried everything to stop this behavior, but it seems it gets worse.

When I'm in clinicals, I don't bond with the other nursing students. Not because I'm trying to be mean, but because I'm very shut down and closed off. I don't want to be like this anymore. I started prozac for depression about a month ago. Nothing seems to be working. I just want to be happy.

If there are any nurses out there who read this, can somebody with DID become a safe nurse?

Thank you.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Nadra,

Have you shared with your instructor the nature of your disorder? She is a nurse, after all, and I think if she knows the background on your situation she might understand and may even be able to help. Sometimes being transparent when you're having difficulties is one of the best things you can do...it gives others a chance to respond to the humility/humanity you are expressing.

If it helps at all, not everyone "bonds" with their classmates anyway. I am cordial to all, but can't really say I have a best buddy or anything. But we're there primarily to learn, right? :D Best of luck to you!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in LTC.

I feel for you Nadra...I can relate (in some part) to what you're feeling/going through. Nurses are not immune to things like depression and I'm sure many struggle with feelings like yours.

It is hard when you feel like you don't fit the mold of the happy, smiling bright-eyed nurse who can walk up to anyone and have a conversation. But you don't HAVE to fit that mold to be a nurse. Interacting with your peers is one thing, but how are you with your patients? What draws you to nursing?

Bonding with your classmates is not a requirement to becoming a nurse. Some people function better collaboratively, and need friendships. I personally don't have any pals from class either. You do need to be able to speak up and communicate with people though. You may not be a talkative person, but in clinicals especially you need to be able to speak up, ask questions, and work with your peers. You work with them to get the job done, whether or not you like each other is irrelevant. It can be a humbling, at times embarrassing experience to come out of your shell.

Just remember what you are there for. Always Learning is right, you may want to approach your instructor(s) and give them some details about your situation, if you haven't already. It helps them better understand areas that you may be struggling with. If you show desire to improve and awareness of things you need to work on, she'll respect that.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk some more...my advice probably sucks but like I said I know in some way how you feel and maybe we can wade through it together somehow :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Thank you so much bandaid. You advice was very helpful. I think I might just do that. Go to her with my troubles. I'm sure she already has some clue as to what I am going through. Now, getting over the feeling of letting people in because that is exactly what I will be doing if I go talk to her about this...:/

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in IMCU.

I feel for you, I really do but what exactly would you hope to achieve by telling all of this to your instructor? She is not in a position to tell you if there are others with your condition out there in nursing. She is not qualified to help you with your condition. Also, she is not in a position to make an allowances due to your condition.

Quite honestly this is not something I would discuss with your instructor at this time. And if you do, I don't think you need to share the background of your childhood.

If you are trying to find out if there are other nurses out there with the same condition you can search the internet. I just did and found http://www.nmha.org/. They have discussion boards that you can search. I suspect you will find some information there. Discuss this with your own psychiatrist or psychologist to get strategies to help. Maybe they have support groups.

If you are as closed off as you say you are I don't think you should leap into sharing your plight with your instructor. It is too big a risk and it could potentially backfire. Given you are a bit fragile already I don't think this is wise. My fear is that you really want a sympathetic ear and the chances are, with your instructor, you won't get one. You don't sound like you are in good enough shape to take anything but a kind and supportive reaction.

One other option is to go to the school counselors. They are more qualified to assist you in finding real help for this (or plan coping strategies) and they are required to keep confidentially.

All due respect to nursing instructors but they have the same prejudices as any one else walking around this earth. I would hate to see you get hurt and end up more closed off.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You have every right to have "dead eyes." If you are performing as required, and if you don't dissociate to the degree that you don't remember your patients and information you need, of course you can be a safe nurse. In fact, your distance might help you remain focused on the clinical aspects of your job without being swayed by emotion.

Seek professional help, which it sounds as if you are doing, and continue on with working towards a better future.

:)

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I also highly recommend that in addition to medication management from a psychiatrist, that you also go see a psychotherapist. These days, people just go and get meds which may treat the symptoms. However, with your trauma, I think you really do need to work things out via talk therapy as well to really deal with your past. I am sorry that those terrible things happened to you, but you have the strength to overcome. All the best.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Case management, occupational health.

Do not, I repeat Do not tell your instructor. Mental Illnesses are common in nursing but it is really a don't ask don't tell type of thing. Many states will not liscense a nurse with a mental illness. I know for a fact one of our ex-students confided in an instructor that she had bi-polar, well controlled with medication and she was told to withdraw since she could not get a nursing liscence if the nursing board knew about her disorder.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

1. See a Psychiatrist

2. Join a support group

3. Get a pet (NOT being sarcastic)

4. Go to church

5. Take up martial arts (made me feel strong after being victimized)

TAKE YOUR PICK FROM THESE ITEMS BUT DO NOT TELL YOUR INSTRUCTOR. THAT IS A HUGE MISTAKE THAT CAN GET YOU BOUNCED. I'VE SEEN A ROOM FULL OF NURSES REFUSE TO TAKE WRAPPED CANDY FROM A DISH AFTER AN HIV+ NURSE EDUCATOR ATE FROM IT. WE CAN BE AS PREJUDICED AND IGNANT(i spell it the way i pronounce it) AS ANY LAY PERSON. Keep school and personal seperate. You'll need to do the same once you start to work. Believe in yourself and get help.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

While I don't suffer from DID, I agree with the poster that frown upon telling the instructor. I had a new onset of seizure a few weeks ago, I approach one of my clinical intructor and ask her, hypothetically what would be her feelings and the schools feelings on a student who suffers from seizure disorder? she gave me a look of total schock and said she does understand why a student with seizure disorder would think they can be a safe nurse. Thank goodness I didn't tell her it was me, because she is known to believe in weeding out students she feels wont make to NCLEX, I fear I would be number one on her list.

I don't know how your school operates, but I would continue with help from a psychiatrist and remaining on meds (providing that they are working) but keep in mind you must give the meds a chance to work.

But whatever you do DO NOT tell your school.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Add a Comment