I lost my empathy

[Bronte03]

So as the title says it happened about 8 months ago. I worked in orthopediacs where I was bullied so badly by the manager the doctors on the ward would pull me aside and tell me that I was fantastic and had the skills and that my boss was completely out of line the way she treated me. No other nurse (60 on our ward) was treated and embarrassed in front of patient families, patients and all other medical staff including the surgeons.

I ended up resigning after 10 months as I collapsed on a day off and ended up in the ward directly beside ours. At no time did she visit or ask how I was. Strangely the doctors came in and asked if they could do anything for me.

Patients and their families were telling me how good I was and that my care was exceptional - this was sent to upper management.

Although it was stressful on the ward patients did praise me for keeping them alive etc. It was enough to keep me there although I did a lot of crying not professional at all. I had a family who needed to eat and therefore I just had to hang in there.

After 8 months on the ward I started to snap mentally - my response to the patients who I'd cared for was "you are all lying and I don't want you to tell me how good I am" because you are all completely wrong.

I'd stopped crying by the 6 month mark. I was shutting down to the ongoing poor performance every morning when I walked into the ward - I'd shrug my shoulders and keep walking. By the end I just completely walked past as the manager continued to loudly tell me what I'd failed at yesterday..

I guess the thing that kept me there (I was interstate with my young family at home) was the mortgage, endless bills etc. I'd fly to see them but leaving was so destructive - my older girl used to cry so hard she'd be vomiting by the time they got home.

Anyway, I came home in January after 11 months of being away and am so traumatised I cannot function. it has taken me 4 months to go to the doctor to get a mental health assessment but I fell apart before seeing the psych and left her office.

Valium and anti depressants keep me well enough but I cannot go to a hospital or anywhere related to the medical field. I have had PTSD and I guess it feels a lot like that.

This is the 1st time I have opened up to the destructive life I lived. On good days I think yep I can go back to work on night shift - I did it for 18months and loved it! I was so happy and loved my job. Some days I can't even remember how to do a BP..

I am sorry this is so long and probably jumbled. I live overseas but nursing doesn't change and I know that we all relate in this field.

Finally where is my empathy and will I ever get it back???

[Lev, MSN, RN, NP]

Honey, you need to focus on you now. You need to heal. When you feel better, you'll find that empathy again. Start with taking another trip to the doctor.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

You didn't lose your empathy; you were in a toxic environment where you subsequently had a crisis, a mental breakdown.

You need to focus on you, and whether you can regain your strength and empowerment back-that's the most important think is to be mentally healthy and happy; breaking down this process with a licensed professional is a good place to start.

Best wishes.

[SeattleJess]

Self-empathy always comes first. Heal thyself! So sorry you had to be pushed over your limit to find it. I doubt anyone can keep up with constant abuse from authority without cracking. Believe me, you are not the first person to experience this. Find support in others who've gone before you; keep in mind that by healing you will be able to help others in your situation. Then your empathy will naturally return.

This was a way that helped me to learn to connect with myself as well as others: The Center for Nonviolent Communication | Center for Nonviolent Communication Hope it may help you, too.

Be well!

[movingon2014]

The only way to help others, is to keep yourself healthy. That is what I preached to the families of my cancer patients all the time. But nurses need to care for themselves too -- or you won't be able to help anyone else -- family, friends or strangers. You sound as if you are trying to reach out to others for help -------- so please listen to those who are responding. Going to a doctor is NOT a sign of weakness or shame -------- use that doctor as an independent, outside view of yourself. And make sure that it is a doctor who is really listening to you and that you feel comfortable with. ANY type of medical treatment requires a provider that is felt to be trustworthy. So if you feel you can trust that doctor, then work WITH him to make yourself healthy again.

[xoemmylouox, ASN, RN]

Maybe research a way back home. Start trying to find a job at home. Get yourself some mental health support in the meantime.

[bellcollector]

Bronte03, I can relate on a personal level. If you don't mind I would like to add you to my prayers? Big hugs

[nursel56]

You didn't lose your empathy. I don't have anything to add to the heartfelt and practical posts written by the others. I just wanted to add my comment to reinforce the truth that you are not alone in your experiences and feelings. Please don't just read their words, but really assimilate the meaning and advice for actions you need to take behind them. All the best. (((Bronte)))