I lied...a story of how I outright LIED to patient's family.

[JDougRN]

I got the call on the EMS radio around 5 am. This is the usual time we get calls from EMS responding to nursing homes- The nurses are rounding on their patients to give am meds, and they find their residents dead or in distress. An 87 yo female, febrile, and in severe respiratory distress coming in. Pt is a DNR, but family is very involved, is aware, and will meet them in the ER.

I'm alerted that family is in the waiting room before the patient even gets there. I go out and introduce myself, tell them I will be her nurse, and that I will bring them back as soon as I get her settled in the room.

EMS arrives, and carefully transfers their frail burden onto one of my stretchers. You can see the relief on their faces, that they got her here and are able to hand her off before she dies on their watch. I'm now the proud owner of one very ill person. Temp 102+, Respiratory rate 14 and irregular. HR 50's, sat 84% on NRB, I don't need my Littmann to hear the rhonchi- Other hx is advanced dementia, DM, CHF. Has been in the nursing home for about 6 months- her husband had taken care of her at home as long as he could, but it finally got too much for him to manage, as he was also dealing with his own health problems at the age of 92.

I got her settled, and the Doc comes in- I give him the pertinent info- Not a whole lot we can do at this point other than make her comfortable and treat the infection. Chances are poor that she will make it, and we both know it. Doc moves on to deal with people he can help, leaving me in control of this mess.

I bring her visitors in, including her only daughter in her 60's, and several close friends of the family. I get them settled in and TRY explain to them what is going on. They don't get how bad off she is- I try to explain it to them in soft terms- They share with me who she is- a wife, a mother, a friend.I learn her husband is frail and elderly. I strongly suggest that if he is able, that he come. The daughter tells me she is going to leave to go get Dad. I explain that mom could go at any moment, each gasp she takes could be her last. I don't want them to have to deal with the idea that she died without ANY of her family around. But I REALLY wanted her husband there. The daughter calls her husband, who is dispatched to go get him dressed and here.

In this age of technology, we can keep up with a lot of things. I'm updated that son in law is at dad's house, he's getting him dressed, getting him loaded in the car with the wheelchair. I'm watching my patient brady down, 50's, 40's 30's....The monitor is alarming, and my pt.'s daughter sees it. Husband lands in the parking lot, and the son in law is getting him loaded in his wheelchair.

Then she died, no resps, asystole on the monitor. The daughter asks me- "Is she gone?"

"Not yet" I told her her- I gave her some silly answer- the monitor isn't picking up anything because she is so sick. I mute the alarms, turning the monitor away so she can't see the flat line.. I send 2 of my male coworkers to go out and GRAB the husband, RUN him in.

He arrives, looking a bit baffled at the whirlwind of men running out to snatch him out of his van and deliver him to trauma room 3.

I kneel down and introduce myself. I told him. "I'm sorry, but your girl is dying." He looks at me without comprehension. I took his hand, and joined it with his dead wife's. I told him "Your wife is dying right now- tell her you are here, tell her you love her- these are the last things you will be able to tell her....Tell her it's OK to go-"

He grasped her hand and brought it to his temple. "I love you baby....it's OK to go, I'm here."

I waited a minute and placed my stethoscope to her chest, made a big deal pronouncing her time of death as just then.

I lied- she died without her husband.... but that is something they will never know, but I will live with forever. I know I helped the living, but damn, holding this stuff inside hurts. I tried to explain it to my husband when I got home. He didn't get it. This is something I carry inside.

I know my fellow nurses will understand. Thanks for letting me vent and get this out.

[Red Kryptonite]

1-I have 25 years in health care the past 20 as an RN in acute care, home care, longterm care and insurance nursing.

I'd be willing to bet that, if true, this breaks down as 1 year (maybe) of patient contact and 24 years in an insurance company office.

[JDougRN, BSN, RN]

I "caught" a nurse in that same lie when my husband's grandfather was dying. My husband, brother- in- law and I were the last to arrive. No resps, monitor in asystole. The nurse had told my father in law that he was " just barely hanging on". She panicked a little when another family member told her I was an ER nurse and my BIL was a paramedic. We kept her secret. To this day my FIL believes that we made it " just in time". I know believing that gives him peace.

bless you all

[JDougRN, BSN, RN]

Thank you- ONC Nurses are a special kind of angel.....

[JDougRN, BSN, RN]

Thank you for entrusting your babies to me- Rest assured I value them as you do. Blessings.

[JDougRN, BSN, RN]

Bless you all.

[Guest757854]

I support the OP!! but what i dont understand on some of the forums here on AllNurses is when someone post their opinion and it does not agree with the concensus of the thread, why does the person always seem to get their head bit off by others? Are we not allowed to disagree? And why cant some people just read the post they dont agree with and move on?

[JDougRN, BSN, RN]

FYI I in NO WAY felt this poor little person a burden, I've walked into plenty of rooms to be faced with heartbroken spouses who lost their best friend. I lost my own husband after 15 years. I Knew he died, but waited 4 hours to call ems- I told them "I'm a nurse- send the coroner, NOT ems, I won't allow them to code my husband-" I know Jae- He wanted to die in the arms of a woman that loved him at home, not in a nameless place and time, It still hurts thought-

[nursephillyphil, BSN, RN]

I support your decision JDoug, I think what you did was therapeutic in helping that husband with the grieving process. I cannot imagine how I would feel if my wife was dying and I didn't make it in time for her last moments. Some may not understand, or see it from our standpoint, but thats the reason why we're nurses. You took a burden and what i can only imagine to be a huge amount of guilt and pain from a family and husband, and placed it on your own shoulders. This is part of what defines you as a nurse.

[blessedNhopeful]

*wipes tear* Wow. How compassionate. You did a great thing for that family and I'm sure her husband is more at peace. I hope to be as compassionate and caring as you.

[mandm97, RN]

Please know that you gave the gift of peace to her family. Although I don't work in Hospice anymore...It was one of my favorite nursing jobs...the fact that although you work with the dying, you are also working with who is left behind. That is an important job and very fulfilling!

On the personal side... my own father passed away suddenly and I was 1000 miles away from him. I was trying to make flight arrangements to get there asap...but there just was not enough time to be with him. Thanks to the nurses working with my dad (who just met him much like you)...they put the phone to his ear and let me say goodbye and let him know it was ok to go and join my mother. I will forever always be grateful to the nurse that at least I had the chance to say goodbye...

[classof2019RN]

This made me tear up. You did the right thing. You are the kind of nurse I hope to be someday.

[dec2007]

What a wonderful nurse you are! What a kind and loving person you are! You were a blessing to this family....one they'll never know!