I can't handle it when kittens die...how can I be a nurse?

[cherubhipster]

I finished my first year in a two year RN program.

During my summer off, I decided I would take the time to foster some kittens. I ended up with four newborn babies, found on somebody's door step.

I've been nursing them around the clock for the past week. Two days ago the smallest, weakest one died. Then, today I was in the animal hospital again with a second fading kitten. On my way out of the door to the hospital, frantic with my three remaining kittens and fumbling with the screen, one of my babies lept out of the box and fell. Now, this kitten is brain damaged and will most likely need to be put to sleep. The doctor/vet said it is likely that the litter contracted a virus in utero, and that what they had was either already set, or contagious. She said that most likely the last remaining kittens would pass shortly.

I've been crying and miserable. On top of the stress of loosing these little creatures that have been so dear to me, I am afraid of how this reflects on me as a nurse. Not in the sense that i failed in my care for them because they are sick- I understand that this is beyond control. I am more afraid of how my reaction to all of this reflects on me as a nurse. I am going to pieces over kittens... if I work in a NICU, how could I possibly handle loosing a patient? (I have been considering this for my career). How can I handle loosing a human of any age, for that matter?

Could anybody reflect on this for me? I am having a problem getting outside of my own head at the moment.

thank you and much love..

[flaerman]

I have been an RN for over 23 yrs, probably some of the hardest deaths were the pediatric pt's who died in my ER when I was doing ER. I also worked almost 7 yrs with Oncology pts(5 in a big teaching hospital on a pure Onc unit) where the majority of our pt's died. In school we are taught not to become emotionally involved but when I did Oncology it was not possible. These were people I cared for, not furniture. We became almost extended family to our pt's, I never let one of my pt's die alone-if I couldn't get family in to the bedside in time, I stayed with them while they passed. I shed many a tear in Oncology, got very good at recognizing when a pt's last hospitaliztion was, esp those I had been caring for-it just became something I could see in them when I'd admit them. I would address death with both my pt's and their family and always encouraged to talk to their towards the end when they were not responsive because they can hear, I've seen that. Had one lady not looking good, called her children to come see her where they argued at her bedside over who would get what when she passed. The next day while bathing her she woke up, first words were "call them" I asked who and she replied, "my ignorant children". I am not an overtly religious person but have come to realize several things, when we are born into this world there is time when when we will go, preset if you will and that time is btwn you and God-nothing will change it. If one codes or crashes and we resuscitate them successfully, then that day was not theirs to die, if not-then

infortunately it was. Also early on in my career I would see some my pt's pointing at a spot on the wall/ceiling and after a while of seeing this realized they all died, so I've come to believe that maybe an angel or departed family member/friend has come to cross them. Then my second wife who was a psychic and very much into the spiritual world told me that was exactly what was happening. I left Onc for Cardiac Telemtry and had a lady who was an onc pt that was going to discharged to hospice. The night before I had her she had an almost died experience(SOB etc) and we talked about it, I told her God wasn't ready for her and that when he was she would know. Next night I had her she again had trouble breathing but was DNR(and not wanting intubation), my co-worker wanted to bag her but I put her on O2. Reconizing that she was going to die I went her called her nephew(no other real family and they were close) told him she dying and that he would never get to her in time short of beaming in, asked him if had any last message for her-which he did. When I went back in the room she had a fearful look on her face initially but was started looking at that "spot". I knelt at the bedside to hold her, asked her if someone was there and she could only nod, I then reminded her of our previous conseration. Told her that she had ben "sent for" by someone I couldn't see(because it wasn't for me) and told her I spoke with her nephew, whispered the message from him into her ear and told her I would tell him that she loved him and would see him again. Then I told her it was time for her to go and to take my which she did, put her head on my shoulder, smiled-took a last breath and passed. It freaked out my fellow staff in the room because that said the her face brightened(looking like a scene from "Touched By An Angel) just before she passed. One CNA grabbed me outside the room and asked me what i did, I simply told her that I crossed this lady to the next life. One year, six months, and six days ago my second wife/soul mate and best friend passed into that good night at 11:50 after suffering from a devastating brain attack that would have left her vent dependent with PEG and trach, she was blinded at birth and her greatest fear was of being on a vent at the end. We lived in Florida during that Terri Schiavo digrace when the government(state and federal-aka "the Bush boys") and the religious zealots decided to get involved in what was not their business to, and had decidied that feeding tubes and artificial means of sustaining life long term was not what either of us of us wanted. So with family at the bedside we removed her from life support and stayed til the end. That puts me on both sides of the spectrum now, in ways it has me stronger and better as a nurse, I now work with neuro pt's as well, have had discussions with loved ones regarding end of life decisions and share my own story, letting them know that they know their loved one would want and it's up to them as to how we procede. As nurses we do the best we can as long as we can for our pt's. win or lose. We always want everyone to win and get better but we know realistically that doesn't always happen either. So do what you can for them, take care of their families too, it's ok if we cry over them sometimes because we are always human. If dealing with dying pt's or death is too much of an issue, then try going into something different(school nurse, MD's office, insurance etc) because the reality is that sooner or later we will all lose a patient. Sorry this got into long-winded rant, but it's how I feel

flaerman

[cherubhipster]

thank you for all of the loving, inspiring, and well thought out posts. It's really helping me find some relief for now. :redpinkhe

[HappyBunnyNurse]

It is completly understandable how you feel. It seems strange to say but animal deaths can be so much more upseting to me (and many others) than human deaths. I work NICU but I don't think I could do what you have for these little kitties. Just remember that you have done all that you can and given them love and a fighting chance. That's pretty much what you'll do as a nurse. Fight for your patients, give them love, and learn to let go. Remember too, in this situation you have been alone 24 hours a day. As a nurse you will have a chance to get away from the situation and you will have coworkers to lean on. Hugs to you, you will make a great nurse!

[traumamike]

It is strange ,but you develope your coping mechanisms. I still remember every pt. I have lost over the years as a resp. therapist and a nurse. The only one that still gets to me, is a 6y.o. boy who was a victim of a house fire. It was christmas eve and they brought him in and as we were coding him, his mother was singing his favorite song to him.. silent night.. Needless to say there wasn't a dry eye in the trauma bay and not a christmas goes by that I don't think of him.. You will have pt's that get to you, but knowing you did everything possible for them gives you some comfort. Like i said you develope your coping skills. Everyone gets affected by their pt.'s if they don't then they nust not be human. Good luck, you will be fine.

[ONCRN84]

Reading this, I'm so glad I'm not the only nurse who crumbles over animals, but for some reason can handle people.

My first night as a brand new nurse I was orienting at my new job (medical/oncology floor) and we had a hospice death and a code death. Talk about baptism by fire. My preceptor was AWESOME and I learned so much from her about how to handle the situations. The best advice I got was that it's ok to hug the families and cry with them. You're human. It's ok to have human emotions. I worked on the oncology part more often than not and we had inpatient hospice beds as well. I've experienced more death in a short period of time than some nurses experience in a lifetime. I've cried with families, held the hand of the elderly man who had no family as he died, and been the strong shoulder TO cry on for people.

So to answer your original question... you'll be fine. If you have a patient death and need to cry, cry. There's a helplessness in animals that I think as nurses we're drawn to and it makes it that much harder.

[imenid37]

God bless you for nurturing the little kittens. You were so kind to give them love and comfort. I am a dog and cat person too. I work OB and I do cry when we have a fetal demise. It's okay. If we didn't get a little attached, we wouldn't care so much. When I worked cardiac, I was fine when one of our elderly pts. died. Often, it was a blessing. Many had a long and wonderful life and many sufferred terribly. Still some patients touched me a little differently. I remember the little man who had his chihuahua's picture at his bedside. "She's the sweetest baby, ever! I can't wait to go home to her." He died several hours before his CABG. Twenty years later, I still wonder and hope that someone stepped forward to love that little dog like he did. He touched me deeply, I think, because that's the way I feel about my pets too. You are just you and that's good! A person with no heart and no compassion has no place in nursing. I am sure I'd love to work with you.

[Pat_Pat RN]

I've often wondered if I was normal because people dying doesn't bother me. I had two pts. die this last weekend, and two more I thought were going to. We are just a small hospital, I had 5 pts. average over the weekend, with two of them, on average, circling the drain at different times.

I worked in EMS before becoming a nurse. I think that fact hardened me. We were forever seeing dead, mangled people; that we as nurses, even in the ER don't see. I've coded babies that shouldn't have been coded (cold, blue) but we did anyway, "for the family".

I also used to do animal control work. I didn't take my animals anywhere, we don't have that "luxury" here in the country. I shot most animals in the head. Skunks I used a solution to inject that put them down. These were "wild" animals. Most cats I shot. I just had to put a little kitten down last week that came to our house with a severly broken leg and open wounds.

As someone said, you will develop methods to deal with bad things that happen. You have to or you will go crazy. People that don't know don't understand how we can be laughing and making, what most would consider "off color" jokes while cleaning up after a code. It is a coping mechanism.

[Hope4us]

I still maintain after all these years of being a nurse that to feel makes the best nurses. If you care about kittens you will care about patients. Professionalism is learned or conquered, but caring need to stay alive even when you are a professional, so just maybe the way you feel about the kittens would make you a very good nurse

[thegrayeyedgirl]

I think you're gonna be an awesome nurse. The fact that you did cry for those kittens and that you cared for them so shows that you have heart and that you will apply that care to your patients.

We, (including me) do have alot to go through in this field...including the inevitable encounters with death. But, in all that we do, we must do with one driving reason and that reason is care. We do all that we do because we care for our patients. And during the time that they did live..they were comforted and loved. And that...is why we wanna do what we wanna do :smilecoffeecup:

[EarthChild1130]

First of all, kudos to you for being a kitty foster mommy!! I've done it too, and lost quite a few babies along the way...but it is very rewarding altogether. I used to work as a vet tech, and wanted to go to vet school...but I didn't, and quit my job as a vet tech because I couldn't stand to see all the animals suffering, dying, and being brought in abused, etc...But I think I'm a pretty darn good nurse and I enjoy it a LOT! lol I see humans and animals differently...to me animals are more innocent and pure than we humans, so it's more difficult to see them suffering...of course, this can be said of children too, but I can still handle even peds nursing than working with sick animals (including peds psych, which is a heartwrenching thing unto itself sometimes, though I don't relish it)...I work mental health, have wanted to do that since I first started school, and LOVE IT.

PS: As I type one of my six cats is constantly bumping my hands! How silly! lol

[ssing45]

Maybe you could shadow a NICU nurse for a while on your free time. Then you could see if you could handle it. I cry a lot, with families, with patients. There is all kind of pain in the MICU and I guess I just soak it up and pour it out of my eyes. I hug a lot and pray a lot. I am also called the singing nurse, and people always comment on my happy go lucky attitude. Maybe the tears are cleansing. Maybe they let me give my all to my patients without being afraid of getting too close. All I know is I love what I do and wouldn't change it for the world.

[eholt19351]

after reading all of these posts i'm in tears! thank you all for sharing