I feel like a failure and need to vent...

[jenannebeard]

i'm in a lost for words so the only thing i feel will make me feel better is to vent my concerns on here. if there is anyone that at all reads what i have to say, i would like to say thank you for lending your ears...

i graduated a 2 year nursing program december 2008. passed the boards march 2009. and i've yet to attain a paid rn position until recently. i currently work at a fairly well known hospital in northern ca for the past 5 years. but not as a rn. i've worked at this hospital before and all through nursing school as something other than a nurse. by the time i graduated the economy took a step decline and they have not hired myself as well of many other of my co-workers because of budget issues. except, this is only slightly true. there have been a few that have. these few either knew someone high up, is related to someone high up, or is dating a dr. or what not. and i'm not exaggerating. i've had high hopes things would change but they have not. at last, i finally told myself i would go out into the real world and take whatever nursing job i could lay my hands on. and i was going to do this after my wedding day, which was september this year. after attempting to land an rn job at a skilled nursing facility multiple times i finally found a place that was willing to give me a shot. i have been at this facility 5 times to train and i have never felt so incapable of doing a job in my entire life. they kept on changing my training to a different station (there are 5 stations total each with an assigned 20-25 patients) with a different nurse/trainer. i was getting frustrated day by day because as i getting to know my patients at one station, i was switched to another station. i was already really anxious, to the point where i was almost catatonic from stressing about the job. today i come into work and i'm with a 3rd different nurse/trainer and she's only been working for a mere 3 weeks and didn't seem like she was at all comfortable with her job. i then learned to find out from her that she's already found a new job (at a hospital) and is quitting the nursing home in a matter of days. after becoming as frustrated as i was training on a different station, something else pushed me over the edge. i ran into another new nurse that got hired and started asking her some questions about her views on the new job. she says she's only had 2 days of training before she was put to work alone. she was hired around the same time as me so doing the math alone in my head she's only probably been working alone for a couple of days. she begins to tell me how stressed out she is, how she cries every night after work, etc. and then she began to cry in my presence! i almost lost it right then and there. i knew exactly what she was feeling. i have been a walking, depressed, zombie the past week. i am such a nervous wreck before, during, and after training i have noticed myself only to be happy when i'm not awake. every day i'm there i pray i didn't give someone a wrong medication or a wrong dose. and thankfully i haven't but that is only because i took the time that i felt was necessary to do my job safely and accurately. but if i continue this regimen, i will not have completed med pass in time for the 25 patients. i literally got sick to my stomach after i realized how bad the turnover rate was, and how unhappy the nurses are. i ran to the bathroom and balled my eyes out. i have felt like a failure for not being able to get a nursing job for as long as i have been a nurse, and now i feel more like a failure since i don't want the only rn job i've ever been able to land. the job was making me so anxious my blood pressure literally was 170/100, on two separate occasions. once on the job there, and once before going to work there. i'm just so depressed and upset with myself to the point where i'm questioning if i was meant to be a nurse. i enjoyed clinical a lot during nursing school. and i did very well in my class. i would say even top 10 out of 30 students. where did everything go wrong? i just want to hear from someone else that this job wasn't for me. and i hope my wanting to quit this job doesn't make me appear that i'm unable to handle a rn job at all. i just want proper training at a job i have interest in.

to complete my story, after i regained my composure, i went to the director of nursing and politely asked to have the rest of the night off because i wasn't feeling good (i was sick 2 days prior with a cold) and that i was having some personal issues. i had come up with this excuse because i didn't want to do anything rash till i calmed down and cleared my mind. i got his cell number and told him i will give him a call tomorrow. that is when i need to come up with a decision what i want to do. and what i want is to quit.

[Luv2care0907]

May I ask what it is that you hope to do in nursing?

I love taking care of recovering preemies. But life doesn't always work the way we want. You have to take the good with the bad. Ie. Love the unlovely. That's what nursing is about. We would all love the easy patients 100% of the time, but that isn't in the ballpark of being realistic. Plus, in any field of nursing, it takes time to adjust.

I have ten years experience, but because I haven't worked in 18 years, I can't get a hospital job either. Part of the problem is that they want to stop the trend of treating nurses like they are needed and that they (the hosptial) are over a barrel as a result. They want you to feel like you need them. That way they can force the wages back into a lower range. You are getting desperate, which is what they want. Back in 1980, I was calling the shots and they were constantly making deals to get us to work. I never begged for a job. I walked in and was hired on the spot in any field of nursing that I chose.

If you were in the top 10, you should remind yourself that you understand the human body and what to do in an emergency. You didn't get your license for being pretty. You got it because you passed the test.

Nursing homes need good nurses. My mom is in one even as we speak. It is comforting to think of a good nurse caring for her.

It is only discontent complainers, who complain no matter where they are, that make you think that some form of nursing is the low-life job. They are in home health whining and complaining, the hospital, the doctor's office etc. They have made an art of it. See, that is one part of hospital nursing that I don't miss one bit!

There is no perfect nursing job. It is hard work and requires a great deal of responsibility. The days of one or two patients in nursing school are over. Hope that helps and you find a place that you love.

[diamondmeadows, BSN, RN]

I don't really have any advice for you. I just want you to know that I read your post and I'm sorry for the terrible experience you are having. I wish you the best in making your decision and I hope things look up for you soon.

[nursel56]

Jennifer - I don't think what is happening means you are a failure in any way at all!! It's kind of like expecting a car to go from 0-60 in 30 seconds after being stored someplace for 5 years (yeah dumb analogy) but anyway. . .it sounds chaotic! It sounds like you have a haphazard orientation as well. Who wouldn't be a nervous wreck?

Should you quit? Probably only 5 days is too soon to tell, but if your DON is not receptive to your concerns you will set yourself up for failure and put your license at risk.

There are many threads in the Geriatric LTC Forum with tips and tricks for med passes and ways to organize your time. You may get some good ideas over there. Let us know what happens!

Luv2care- your story is very similar to mine! I finally found someone who remembers the glory days of nursing jobs around 1980 when all we had to do was want a job and it was ours! Talk about culture shock coming back!! omg!

[Luv2care0907]

Luv2care- your story is very similar to mine! I finally found someone who remembers the glory days of nursing jobs around 1980 when all we had to do was want a job and it was ours! Talk about culture shock coming back!! omg!

They sure were the glory years. I walked in off the street brand new to this state and got a job BEFORE I even had verification that I had passed state boards (which is what they called it back then) and got a job in NICU and I'm not making that up. I stayed at that job for 3 years and went to a pediatric area doing just about the same thing. Then one day I decided I'd like to try OR. I walked straight into a specialty hospital and walked out with a job in the OR. I had never seen an OR, never worked in the OR, nothing and they hired me. No background check, no outsourcing, no checking out my Facebook or Youtube site, or even my medical records, which one does wonder about. They didn't fingerprint me or do a background check....not even when I went to home health. If I worked day shift and a night shift nurse was needed, I was paid double time and a half.

:spbox: :)

[cebuana_nurse]

Geriatric Nursing is a whole different world from the hospital setting. I had the same dilemma when I started my LTC job. I feel your pain. I agree with the above post about talking to your DON. If you are never comfortable in a given orientation time, feel free to speak up and ask for more time. It's your license that is at risk. Things DOES get better. Believe me, I've been down that road where everyday that passes is like a shift from hell but you know what, cut yourself some slack and pat yourself in the back for every shift that you survived. Give yourself a good 2-4 weeks to adjust on the new position and introspect. If you don't enjoy it at all, then maybe this is not for you. Hope things work out for the best! :hug: Good Luck!

[QNurStudent]

OP, I feel your pain. I am a new grad going on 5 months in LTC and I had a short orientation as well. I work by myself on a 40 patient subacute unit and it's not safe at all. After a horrible night, I felt that maybe I am not a good enough nurse and that the profession might not be for me.I was already burnt out! But then I had some good shifts after that so I realized that bad nights/shifts happen and that's the nursing is. I keep on applying to other jobs with no response or told the same thing, "you need a year experience." Then I finally got a call back from a rehab (my aunt works there and gave my resume to the nurse manager) and the way they spoke to me was like they were persuading me to say no to the job. They then said that they didn't have any openings yet but to call back in a month. Five years ago, this same rehab was desperate for nurses and would hire multiple new grads before they passed the boards. I was a nursing assistant at a hospital and all the nurses there said that 5 years ago, they got hired on the spot as new grads at walk in job fairs, in ICU's and Emergency Departments.

I always complain about my job to experienced nurses and try to get advice about whether or not I should quit. Some started off in LTC and now work in great specialty jobs. They keep telling me to stick it out and that things will be much better down the road and not to give up on nursing.

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

Get out of that place if u can afford to. Moving u round from one station (whatever that is) to a diff one, is destroying ur soul.

What about applying to do agency nursing? Some of the ones I work for put u in private hospitals, and they like to train u up 2 their standards.

U need to get that 12 months of training. I know the US economy is tanked, and people have to take any job they can get, but I always say to new grads try not to stay at LTCs/nursing homes for too long cos u will not get those good basic skills that u need. Also what about psych nursing? U may not be doing IVs etc but you learn highly valuable communication skills and deal with many different issues everyday and it can be interesting. Also you do inservice courses with the psychiatrists etc.

Just keep applying for everything that comes ur way. Something will come up I'm sure.

Like I said, if u can afford to quit ur job, do so. Have a talk to ur hubby re this first, and if u can do another non-nursing job I would take that to give urself a breather firstly. But do dust off the resume (CV) and conctact all the nursing agencies.

Also can u and ur hubby afford to move somewhere else for 12 months for you to get a nursing job to get that experience?

Just some thoughts, but u need to put ur own mental health first!

[BettyBoop01]

Hugs! I too have been unhappy at the only job I have been able to land as a new grad and it is horrible! I want to quit so bad, but know that I wont find anything else. I am interviewing at other places in the meantime and trying to learn as much as I can, but I feel like my license is at risk every shift I work at my current soul crushing job. I cry a lot and I dread going there. I dont sleep without nightmares and I get nauseus on the days I have to work.

I wish there was some positive advice I could give you, but hang in there we are in the same boat! I have no solution, I wish I did! But if I were you I would try to speak up to the Director of Nursing and ask for some consistency, ask for the same preceptor (was there one station/preceptor you preferred?) and the same station for a few weeks. Although when I asked mine for this I was told she would try and she didnt.

Best of luck, you are not alone.