I feel like a complete failure

[ChinupBSNRN]

The title doesn't even begin to say how horrible I feel. :-(

I just graduated in May with my BSN. I did very well in school, graduated with honors. I am in my later 30's and this is a second career for me. I was one of the fortunate ones to get a job prior to graduation. I went to work in a large teaching hospital in a surgical ICU. Very very sick patients. I had a capstone and an additional clinical rotation through an ICU and let me tell you, those were like out the door ready for discharge med surg units compared to the level of critical acuity at my new job. I swear I was caring for the sickest of the sick in the entire metropolitan area. Our unit was also an overflow for critical medical and cancer patients so there was no telling what kind of patient I was going to care for each night. Some nights I had a patient with platelets at 5, other nights I had blood shooting out of a fresh arm amputation, and I still have nightmares about the rapid response and code pagers going off.

To say I felt overwhelmed is an understatement. The standard nursing procedure/charting itself wasn't overwhelming.....but the level of acuity and just how unstable and sick these patients was! I took 2 patients per night, and just started my 4th week of orientation. My preceptor is a nightmare. I have been trapped in an "eat my young" relationship with this early 20 something nurse. She is spiteful, vindictive, and downright cruel. I have been tossed around by negative life experiences many times. This preceptor is right up there in the top 3 most miserable experiences of my life. Her tone and demeanor are just rude, cold, snarky, and vindictive. I am new, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than show me how to do something, she just says do it and then if I do it wrong, she calls me out at the bedside. And not in a nice way. She spends hours on facebook and on her cellphone all the while telling me to "figure it out" when I have a question. If she quizzes me on something and I give the incorrect answer, she rolls her eyes with a huffy "no, wrong!" answer. She hauls in a backpack full of personal drama every shift. She has spent the first 2 hours crying to our unit coordinator on two separate shifts. If I follow doctor orders, she finds something else to negate my confidence. If I dare listen to heart rhythm before breathsounds, she shakes her head, says "no, stop. Do that again". If it is time to clean up poop, she is MIA for 20-30 minutes. I am one of 3 new grads, and the other two have great preceptors. Of course I end up with cruella deville.

Every ounce of confidence I had is completely gone. Every ounce of self worth has been tossed out the window. I am so afraid of her and being berated at the bedside that I am third and fourth guessing myself before every thing I do. These are such sick patients that I am so afraid that my fear of my preceptor will cause me to hurt a patient. I am so unsure of myself and scared of her that I try so hard and just end up doing something else that she disapproves of. One shift she disappeared for over an hour. I got caught up on charting. I was preparing to go give the 0100 antibiotic, it was 0110. Well within med admin time window. She spent 5 minutes ripping me down one side and back up the other on how charting is not important and that the antibiotic should have been hanging rather than me charting. THEN she was mad that the med was further delayed because she had to verbally berate me before I hung the med. The next shift I stopped charting to go do a 2200 med pass and she told me that the meds could wait until I finished charting....... jeesh. I cannot win here.

My orientation is 14 weeks. Which meant I had 10 more weeks of dealing with her. Until she shared the other night that the first 12 weeks off orientation we will still be scheduled on the same shifts as she will be my "resource nurse" for those 12 weeks. I was devastated. The only thing that kept me going was the countdown of 10 weeks. When I realized that was not the end, I almost fell apart in the nurses station. To make it worse, this preceptor is also the ring leader of the unit. She is very very careful to treat me like crap when noone else is around. And always makes sure to chart in my weekly eval about how good I am doing. She is BFF with my unit educator. As in, they do spin class every morning and happy hour every weekend. My educator thinks my preceptor is gods gift to nursing. Fabulous. I made a feeble attempt at talking with my educator about my experience and she told me it was just new grad jitters. Nope, this is way more than new grad jitters. I could seriously write a book about the shifts I have with this preceptor. It is deplorable.

So tonight, I was supposed to work. I was physically ill trying to take a shower and get ready for work. Dry heaving, headache, cold sweat, tachycardia....total fight or flight set in. I spend my entire shift waiting for 7am to leave, and when I have days off I spend them dreading having to go back to work. I have zero personal enjoyment whatsoever because the experience at my job is completely destroying my entire life.

So tonight I made a decision. I wrote my resignation letter and I quit. I have wanted to quit for 3 weeks, and I was finally at the point where my mind, body, and heart had to get on the same page and do what I had to do. I feel like a total failure, yet I feel like a 500lb brick has been taken off my back. I realize new grad positions are not easy to get. I realize that I will no longer be eligible to work at this facility, but I think I would rather flip burgers than ever entertain the thought of going back there anytime in my nursing career. I am deathly afraid that I committed career suicide by quitting this job. But at the end of the day, it was either my emotional stability and physical health or the job. Obviously I had to choose my wellbeing. I think it is horrible that the job outlook is so bad new grads would actually stay in a situation like this because of fear of finding another job. I am thankful that I have a PRN job lined up, I have noticed an influx of new grad openings in the past 2 weeks, and I have put my resume out there to hopefully gain another full time hospital job. I realize it may take a while, and I am ok with that. I had to get out.

It is a sad day for me. I regret the situation, mourn the loss of my new grad zest, and I am trying to pick up the pieces and find my self confidence again. I know that with time this too shall pass. I will look back in 5-10 years and laugh with a new grad that I am precepting about what an experience I had, and how I intend to make their experience nothing but positive. Mark one more down in the record books folks......another new nurse completely devoured and spit out by a person in power with a huge ego and zero personal skills.

[ChuckeRN, BSN, RN]

I got as far as reading where you graduated, and have a job. That does not equal COMPLETE failure in my book. Maybe a drama queen, but not a failure.

[RHF RN]

Let me start out by saying that I am so sorry for the experience that you had! I am a new grad as well, and have my first 12 in the ED on Tuesday. So far, I have only shadowed for 2 hours with no real hands on patient care.

I am sorry to hear that you allowed that nurse to chase you away. I would have told you to take your experiences up the ladder - from charge nurse, to unit manager, and even farther if neccessary. Just because the educator is bff's with the nurse does not make it OK for her to get away with treating you that way.

I know that some nurses still feel that new grads should pay their dues in med surg for at least a year before moving up to ICU or ED, BUT someone in that hospital/unit hired you and someone believed in you! Since they hired 3 new grads, my guess would be that your unit has hired new grads before and have been successful integrating them into the unit.

I really wish that you had tried to fix the problem in other ways before giving up! That being said, I 100% understand that mental and emotional health is so much more important than a job!!!

Good luck to you, and I hope that you find a unit that is nurturing and allows for you to grow into the best possible nurse that you can be!

[ChinupBSNRN]

Thank you both of you!

RHF, the fact that I gave in and gave up is really hard. I am not a quitter type of person. I held one job for 10 years and another for 6 before starting on this unit. I am not a job hopper and I always pride myself in being a loyal employee. It is so painful to me that I couldn't keep my nose down to the grindstone and try to survive this experience. My work ethic is probably one of the reasons this decision was so difficult to make. I didn't want to let anyone down......but I was gonna let myself down no matter what decision I made. Talk about a rock and a hard place huh!

I think the main reason I did not pursue this up the ladder is that I have only met my manager once.....when she interviewed me. I haven't seen her since. I have no rapport or relationship with her at all. I kinda felt like she was more of a nametag on a door rather than an open door hands on manager. Also, this unit has a really high turnover due to most people going on to CRNA school. The average length of employment on the unit is 3 years. During my interview she told me that she did not let anyone stay as a floor nurse for longer than 5 years. I really do not understand why, I just remember that sticking out to me during my interview.

One other reason this was probably harder for me than for others was that I was the only new grad that had never precepted, did a clinical rotation, nor teched on the unit prior to becoming an RN. I was the last to be hired......and that fact was mentioned on more than 1 occasion. I felt like an outsider from the first day. I showed up for my first shift and my preceptor didn't know I was working with her that night. Before she even introduced herself she grumbled that she thought she was going to have a calm night but "I guess not now since I have a "student". Yep, couldn't even call me a new grad.

ehhh, que sera sera. I could go on and on but it is time to strap on the big girl panties and lace up my boots and move on. I have to take this for what it was...4 weeks of intense and stressful experience. I can learn from this in many ways, and I know that whatever path I go down with my profession, every challenge is a new one and I am prepared to face it head on. :-)

[RHF RN]

I can't even imagine having to make a decision like that.. one that feels wrong in some senses no matter what you decide! Good for you for doing what is best for you though. Please keep me updated, and good luck to you!

[Nurse SMS, MSN, RN]

I think what matters here more than anything is that it is resolved to your own satisfaction. Should/could you have gone to the manager? Well, yes. But it sounds like you were so dragged down that the idea of it alone was intensely intimidating. It is hard to fault you for that.

I hope one of the other things you are applying for pays off soon and that you find where you are meant to be. Big hugs, chin up. You are, in the end, going to be just fine. Go to a movie, get a margarita or a Starbucks. See your girlfriends and let them shore you up. In the words of Maya Angelou, you do what you know how to do, and when you know better, you do better. Your situation there was the very thing we who are graduating fear the most next to be unemployed.

[shoegalRN, RN]

Your experience sounds exactly like mine as a new grad.

I, too, was hired directly into an ICU straight out of nursing school. Nursing is a second career for me, where I spent over 14 years in the corporate world prior to becoming a nurse. I had SEVERAL preceptors from hell while I was in the ICU. I went to the director and the educator and nothing was done.

I remember crying at home, and vomiting in the parking lot before going into work. My last preceptor was so concerned about her ex-boyfriend and best friend running off to together and everyone and I mean everyone had to hear about it, including me. She would spend most of her time on her phone checking her FB than to be in report with me. Then she would blame me for not asking "the right questions", when she was not even in report with me to begin with.

I got so tired of her games, I applied to the ER transferred and have been happy since. I see her from time to time and I look her straight in the eye and she can not even look at me. I am waiting for her to say one word to me and I will let her know how I really feel. I'm no longer that scared new grad that can be easily intimidated.

It's crazy because alot of the other RN's knew how I was treated and told me I would have made a good ICU nurse. I tell them that's not where I supposed to be, I good where I am, the ER. They also said they knew I didnt get a good orientation and that my last preceptor is no longer precepting anymore. The director has done a "clean up" of the ICU and fired alot of the nurses who had issues with "eating their young" because of the reputation the unit had throughout the hospital.

This experience has taught me so much, and I will never be that type of nurse.

[rnsrgr8t]

Sounds like my first year out of nursing school. I worked on a pedi heme/onc/bmt floor and they ate me up and spit me out. I came in after graduating with honors and having worked as an extern during school confident and with great excitement. I may have needed a little knocking down but they crushed me at the time. It lasted for 15 months when they sat me down and told me to quit or I would be on probation and could be fired at any moment for ANYTHING they deemed a mistake. I remember looking at the director of my floor speechless. I remember looking towards my nurse manager at the time (after having sat with her a few weeks earlier for my yearly review and she told me how good I was doing) and had her LIE and say, "remember how I told you how concerned we were about how bad you have been doing?". They told me I did not have what it takes to be a nurse. They could not allow me to work anywhere in their hospital. They told me I needed to change my career. For 2 med errors and an argument with a resident (that my charge nurse took my side on) in 15 months. I quit rather than argue (something that would never happen now) because they had beaten me down SO much I believed them. I was depressed, anxious, not sleeping. It was awful. I was able to find another job I excelled at (pediatric office) then eventually got bored at and eventually got the itch to go to school to be a PNP. I have been a PNP for 7 years and have thrived. The old nurse educator on my original floor was a guest speaker in one of my grad school classes. Should have seen the look on her face when she saw me. I am SURE they thought they have chased me out of nursing for good which was their goal. If I had listened to them, I would have left a career that I am very good at and really enjoy. The one positive thing out of it? I LOVE to precept/teach. I have a grad student with me just about every semester and love it. I want to make sure my students have a good experience. We need more good preceptors out there. Not the ones I had. No excuse to make someone so sick from anxiety before a shift. Not acceptable.

To the OP..... NO job should make you physically ill. Not worth it. Take a deep breath and push forward., You are going to be a good nurse and you CAN do it! Just have to find the place where you belong and you WILL find it! Good Luck!

[vwbeetle]

Hi ChinupBSNRN,

You are not a failure. I'm terribly sorry about what you had to put up with; that is a mega psychological harrassment. I had a very similar experience with the person who was supposed to train the new employee, not bully. I have to say, from reading your message, that your ex-preceptor and my ex-manager did the exact same thing. The only difference is that I was at a very small company where it was literally me and her all day.

Personally, I think you did the best by removing yourself from that environment.

Each time my ex-manager bullied me, I told her, "Look, I can't work efficiently when you talk to me like that. It's counter-productive."

I remember her face changing and getting very defensive..."Oh, I'm not upset at you. It's nothing personal." However, each time I finish a project, she'd say "I know you double-checked, but I'm sure I'll be able to find mistakes here. Don't worry."

Some women are naturally-born vindictive, like this one and your ex-preceptor.

Eventually, she did me a huge favour; she let me go with the reason "not a good match."

She was really evil; when I worked there, she was already 5 months pregnant and a chain-smoker.

It was one of the most abusive 6 weeks I had to put up with, in my career life.

I remember crying the entire weekend and I went to chat with my friend, a social worker.

I had very similar symptoms from what you went through.

Give yourself some time to completely heal from this; like someone already said, treat yourself with something you like.

Good luck with your new job, and I hope you'll find the right niche for yourself.

Take care,

vwbeetle

Remember, the problem was not you...it was that horrible ex-preceptor.

What comes around goes around.

[ChiSmile6]

I just want to say very good for you for getting out of a situation that was hurting you emotionally and physically. I can relate to that feeling of dread and fear you talked about when it comes to even just THINKING about going back to a place that is so negative. At the end of the day if you feel you made the right decision and feel relief, then that is all that matters. I truly feel so sorry that you had to deal with a preceptor that sounds just so....horrible. As a new grad you need guidance, encouragement, support, acceptance, and reassurance; she did not give you any of those thing and instead did the opposite. Hang in there and stay strong. You are smart and capable and the only reason you feel otherwise is because someone obviously has their own personal issues and decided to take them out on you!! You are fine, you'll be ok :)

[LuxAeternaRN]

I wish I could hug you I'm so sorry you had such an experience. As a fellow new grad, I know how awkward your first new job can be. To be treated in such a manner when you're already nervous and unsure is inexcusable. I think you did the right thing by resigning. Your sanity is not worth that mess! Wishing you all the best in your search for a new and more welcoming new grad position!:hug:

[SNIXRN]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You made a great decision by resigning. With a team like that one, you would have hated it once you were on your own, and eventually hated nursing altogether. You aren't a failure, your preceptor is.