Husbands not happy about nursing school- potential jealousy?

[buddiage]

I'm curious if any females who are married may have a husband who did not like the idea of them going back to school, and would find any reason (the "money" card or whatever) to prevent it from happening.

I am finally going into my program, and during the duration of prereqs (well, the first two years) I was given every reason not to go, and even guilt trips about time with our only daughter. I found out later that he had confided in a friend that he was afraid I'd meet a doctor and run off.

Anyone else experience this?

He is excited now that I'm going in, but he was not encouraging at ALL:banghead: initially.

[thumperRN]

Several years ago right after I got married, I lost my job at a business that went under. Because of that I was able to get a grant to get me through school. My husband was VERY supportive of my decision to return to school, and was glad that I wanted to further my education. BUT!! Now that I'm a nurse, he doesn't take my job very seriously. I think all he thinks I do is clean up poop. He hasn't a clue about the medical profession, so it's difficult to share a day at work with him, because he just doesn't get it. It can be very frustrating. I'm sure that he is proud of me for my accomplishment, he is just not good (and never has been good) and sharing his feelings. I have to say in his defense though, that he has taken very good care of us as a family. He is very responsible financially, he is home every night, and he works very hard (farmer). It would be nice if he could not treat me like "Oh, how cute, my wife's a nurse" and treat me like the professional that I am. And by the way, WAY TO GO DARCIA!! :thankya:

[postmortRNhere]

I too had major marital problems while in nursing school. Everything the others posted even arguments that escalated to pushing and shoving. My case was very difficult due to having 4 small children to look after and a house to run and keep in some kind of order.My husband was very supportive at first but quickly realized this was going to require much more commitment and support than we both thought. I can tell you you are not alone.In my class we had an ongoing joke that those who did survive nursing school also ended up divorced.The strain is great on all the family. Just do not give up please....Hope this helps.

[Pinky2]

I'm so glad to know it isn't just my Hubby. I'm only taking CNA classes now but I will start into the LPN program this summer. My husband is not very supportive and plays the whole guilt card that I don't spend time with the family. I finally got tired of his whinning and made a sign in/out board. You have to sing in when you are spending time with the family... eating dinner watching TV playing games ... You can't be reading studying talking on the phone out of the house with out a child. Well guess who was out more then in??? YEP HIM. I told him it isn't oging to get better it will get worse and if he can't deal with me being up late or studing on the weekendends in the near future then he better hit the road now! I have waited a long time to go back to school and I'm not going to let anyone stop me now.

[ZASHAGALKA, RN]

My then-wife didn't complain about nursing school but then, there wasn't the issue of making more money than my spouse. Our culture supports the idea of the guy making more money.

But after I started working . . . The first year I was at work ALL THE TIME, trying to learn the ropes and never getting out on time. I guess she thought that meant I'd rather spend time with my co-workers. . .

After that, EVEN THOUGH MY JOB GOT BETTER, and I was better at getting out on time, the die was cast. "It took you twelve minutes to get home, and it normally takes you 10. You stayed around to chat w/ your co-workers. They are more important than ME!" Really, there's no effective way to counter-argue that.

"You work with women and hospitals have empty beds, right?!"

Toss in working nights and I should have seen years before its finality that divorce was in the offing.

Ultimately, there is a heirarchy of physical needs (maslov), but also, emotional ones. I believe that we expend a large amount of our emotional capital finding the right relationship because that relationship aids in finding our 'telos' (the antonym of the word, sin. Sin is literally, 'missing the mark'. Telos is 'aiming for the mark'.) - that thing we were meant to be. A forever relationship is supposed to support you finding your 'telos', your 'mark' on life.

Love is more than an emotion - it is action. Somebody holding you back from your destiny is not exhibiting 'loving' behavior. And whether the cause is jealousy, or WHATEVER, somebody that would hold you back invests more in that then they do in love to you. And that is telling.

~faith,

Timothy.

[jamie3nj]

My husband was also not supportive of my returning to school. He has come a long way since I began, but he is still extremely insecure. I will say something, and he will tell me not to use big words because he didn't go to college and he's not that smart. I definitely think that he feels very threatened by the fact that I will have the ability to support myself financially. He has always been somewhat controlling and I think he would like me to stay at home forever. I finally put my foot down and did something for myself. For those of you who said that you become different when you begin nursing school, I agree 100%! I am in my final semester of school and I am so much more confident than I ever was! It feels great to succeed in something that is extremely difficult! It is a major boost to your confidence and you carry yourself differently when you are confident!

Jamie

[Nurse-To-Be-Joy]

My husband is very supportive of me going into nursing, and thankfully, he knows what nursing is like, because his mom and grandmother are both nurses. But... I get no help around the house and very little with taking care of my son. So it's tough. And the thought of me running off with a doctor has crossed his mind once or twice, though he knows I wouldn't, lol.

[ZASHAGALKA, RN]

Ultimately, forcing someone to be 'bound' to you by dependence will not work. The freedom to choose to be in a relationship instead of being forced to by situations beyond your control is so much more empowering, and has the potential for much greater relationships.

Do some nurses leave as soon as they become 'empowered' to do so? Absolutely, but that doesn't mean that those relationships, where one spouse is a financial prisoner to another, wouldn't have ended anyway - and under less desirable terms, expecially if children are involved.

If you aren't secure enough to grant your spouse the freedom to engage you as an equal, you were never really secure to begin with.

~faith,

Timothy.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

Ultimately, forcing someone to be 'bound' to you by dependence will not work. The freedom to choose to be in a relationship instead of being forced to by situations beyond your control is so much more empowering, and has the potential for much greater relationships.

Do some nurses leave as soon as they become 'empowered' to do so? Absolutely, but that doesn't mean that those relationships, where one spouse is a financial prisoner to another, wouldn't have ended anyway - and under less desirable terms, expecially if children are involved.

If you aren't secure enough to grant your spouse the freedom to engage you as an equal, you were never really secure to begin with.

~faith,

Timothy.

I think your last sentence hits the nail on the head. This would have happened regardless of the choice a person made to be more independant. The pushing and shoving and whining and complaining and being unsupportive had nothing to do with nursing school but with one spouse gaining some independance from another spouse and THAT is what is threatening.

My husband was very supportive of my decision to return to school. When I was sure I couldn't do it he would take me in his arms and let me cry and then he would point out all the ways I WAS doing well.

Nursing school, in my opinion, is very hard on even a good marriage. My school was 70 miles away and we had 3 children and I'm a firm believer in staying home with your kids until they get into school (I didn't start until my youngest was in 1st grade). So, I GUILTED MYSELF.

And the truth is, this is the time when my #2 son started down the road of his rebellion and I will always feel guilty about that.

I've been pounding it into my childrens heads that they need to finish their education before falling in love and getting married. So far, so good -

My oldest will be starting graduate school next Fall and isn't anywhere close to getting married. (whew)

steph

[DaFreak71]

Love is more than an emotion - it is action. Somebody holding you back from your destiny is not exhibiting 'loving' behavior. And whether the cause is jealousy, or WHATEVER, somebody that would hold you back invests more in that then they do in love to you. And that is telling.

~faith,

Timothy.

:yeahthat:

Adri

[lizzybeth]

My husband, too is very insecure about my going back to school for nursing. He jokes around that he can't wait til I'm bringing home some good money, but then "jokes" around to his friends and family that I am going to run off with a dr.He gets very mean and controlling and gets jealous not only of me going to school, but also of the new person I have become since I've started. My new-found confidence has him baffled. I quit my job as an esthetician when I married him 7 years ago to stay home with our son. He started treating me badly, so I made a vow to get myself out of such a dependent position. So I went to school at night and finally got accepted into nusing last year. Over that period of time, I have become someone he doesn't really know--the real me, only a {better} real me. And quite frankly, I can tell he is scared S***less! I think he knows I won't and don't have to take his abuse anymore!

By the way in my class, 3 girls are getting divorced and one has it all planned out to dump her husband after she graduates!!

[buddiage]

Wow, seems like there are men AND women that can relate.

And as someone stated, love is action. Initially starting out, I really did start out with school with two goals: one, to afford the horses I sold, and two, to get my "dependence" off of him (and hoped that he'd feel more obligated to be nice to me since I could take off like nothing could stop me). I really don't think that for our relationship, being the stay at home mom was good for him. It did sort of "persuaded" him to be a jerk to me...kinda "piggy" you know? He has a job, everyone loves him (fire department, captain, and of course a fawning mother to dote on him and unintentionally "showing" him what I am not). Leaving was really the VERY LAST option. He wasn't physically abusive, and there were some nice things about him. I have a daughter, and, "leaving" is not just not going to be something I would do.

It became very clear that this might really blow up during my second quarter of school.

And as someone said before, he didn't like me talking like I was too intelligent, and I think it intimidated him. His sister suggested that he got pissy about that because he had his own feelings of inadequecy. Which I would NEVER try to make someone feel bad or dumb, or whatever. I was so excited about everything I was learning. The world is so big and vast, I guess, and I was learning about something outside of my house!!!!

Anyways, I loved school, and I just wanted to know if others had a problem with spouses or significant others.

[Altra, BSN, RN]

Ultimately, there is a heirarchy of physical needs (maslov), but also, emotional ones. I believe that we expend a large amount of our emotional capital finding the right relationship because that relationship aids in finding our 'telos' (the antonym of the word, sin. Sin is literally, 'missing the mark'. Telos is 'aiming for the mark'.) - that thing we were meant to be. A forever relationship is supposed to support you finding your 'telos', your 'mark' on life.

Love is more than an emotion - it is action. Somebody holding you back from your destiny is not exhibiting 'loving' behavior. And whether the cause is jealousy, or WHATEVER, somebody that would hold you back invests more in that then they do in love to you. And that is telling.

~faith,

Timothy.

A beautiful post Timothy - thank you.