husband begrudgingly supportive

Nurses General Nursing

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He vascillates; when he's not trying to talk me out of pursuing a career in nursing he's saying he's not for it, but will support me. He goes so far as to tell me he doesn't think I can do it, which affects my self-esteem. :o Does anyone here have a suggestion for my future in dealing with nursing school and my husband?

Specializes in floor to ICU.

true love will encourage you, not deflate you.

:yeahthat:

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I can relate to a lot of what you've posted. I could write out my story, but I'd rather not because we have come so far from where we were. Let's just say that last year I hit my breaking point. We had the "final straw" moment. Finally, after years (literally!) of asking, he agreed to go to counseling. We were given the name of a counselor who has been amazing. We saw her weekly for a long time, but now see her once a month just to make sure we stay on track. In our case, there was a lot of stress, much of it caused by outside events, but also things we both had done or not done. We were not communicating at all. He thought he knew what I was thinking, and I thought I knew what he was thinking. Of course, neither of us really did know, but because we thought we did, it led to a great deal of misunderstanding.

It has only been fairly recently that he has become supportive of my desire to become a nurse. He used to say I was on my own, or that he knew something would happen and I wouldn't finish. Now he helps with things so I can go to class and study. Trust me when I say this is a huge difference from the way things used to be! He was raised in a very traditional, conservative household. His mom stayed home and did everything for everyone. I have been home since our 9 year old daughter was born, mostly by choice but partly by circumstance. I have loved being home, but because of how he was raised, he had the mentality that because he went to work, everything else was my responsibility. When I first went back to school, he was not supportive and he did not offer help in any way. He didn't even want to hear how I did on a test, or that a class was hard or interesting. Now that has changed, and I have to say that I am SO proud of him for all the work he has done. I know it hasn't been easy for him. What it comes down to is this: good counseling saved our marriage.

I'm not saying counseling will magically make everything better. We have both worked incredibly hard. It takes dedication, commitment, but most of all, it takes a willingness to change. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. :)

Tiffany

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In a situation like this, I think an appt. with a counselor is a good idea.Completely agree. Someone needs to give your husband a talking to and a counselor would be a good person to do it. You have your whole life ahead of you and the only way for that to be a good life is for both of you to get educated. A decent life is the goal for both of you and stress to him that that is what you are trying to achieve. Don't put it off until you have a housefull of kids and more stumbling blocks in the way of your goal.
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Read this book. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. You can preview it on Amazon.com. I'd recommend reading some of the reviews too. They're very detailed and may mirror some of what you're experiencing. Just make sure you husband doesn't see it. ;)

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. My first husband was like this and it was horrible. I've since remarried (7 wonderful years) and this is what marriage is supposed to be like. My husband supports me whole heartedly.

You're in my thoughts.

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Keep us posted on how your "pow-wow" went. Your first post painted him prettty negatively, but maybe he's not a total creep. If he can't, at the very least, keep his opinions to himself and act supportive, you may end up proving him right and not making it - nursing school is tough enough without someone undermining you and telling you that you won't make it. I'm married and a current nursing student, and it does put a little temporary strain on a relationship. I study ALL the time, he travels a lot more for work now, and it's hard to find time for "us." Fortunately, I know that he loves me and supports me - emotionally and financially, since I quit my job a couple weeks ago. He definitely has his faults, but jealousy/insecurity doesn't happen to be one of them. You deserve to have a husband who BRAGS to his friends and coworkers about his wife who's in nursing school, and who (albeit only occasionally) picks up the whole apartment and does the vacuuming while I'm studying like crazy for a test. Talk to him, think about seeing a counselor, or maybe talking to someone at your place of worship if you have one (both helped my parents through a rough patch). You do need to air all this out before you get into school.

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Specializes in being a Credible Source.

Here're some thoughts from a husband:

1) If he loves you, he will support your decisions even if he doesn't agree with them. That's what a partnership means.

2) If you love him, you will listen to his concerns and consider them. That's what a partnership means.

3) You need to have the skills to support yourself, if need be. If you were to become divorced or widowed, the wisdom of your decision to pursue a field that can support you and your children (if you have them now or in the future) will be evident.

4) Currently, if he were to become permanently disabled or long-term unemployed, could you support your family? If not, you should do something.

5) If he really wants to earn your love and loyalty over the long haul, he should support you in doing what you want to. If he really believes that you're not cut out for it, you guys should discuss it. However, the decision is yours and once you make it, his role becomes one of support.

I hope it works out OK.

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In a situation like this, I think an appt. with a counselor is a good idea.Completely agree. Someone needs to give your husband a talking to and a counselor would be a good person to do it. You have your whole life ahead of you and the only way for that to be a good life is for both of you to get educated. A decent life is the goal for both of you and stress to him that that is what you are trying to achieve. Don't put it off until you have a housefull of kids and more stumbling blocks in the way of your goal.

This is by far the most sensible response I've read here. I'm appalled at how many people are jumping on the "dump him and fast" bandwagon.

First of all, no matter how many red flags or insinuations people think they see here, there is no way someone should be suggesting something so serious when they know so little about the situation, especially as easy as it is to have written messages misconstrued.

Naturally, we want to side with a person who feels it is a calling to do something and naturally we want to lynch anyone who appears to be unsupportive to another person's aspirations. But there is no way we can truly know the situation, because the old cliche is so true: there are two sides to every story.

This is theoretical and in no way is directed at the OP, but perhaps a person comes here and says I want to go to nursing school and my husband won't support me. He doesn't think I have what it takes.

Oh lordy, here comes WWIII. Everybody wanting the husband's hide.

But what might the husband (or spouse or significant other) have to say? Maybe there are other reasons besides insecurity and selfishness he says what he says? What if the aspiring nurse has also been aspiring at many other things in life and never finished or saw it through and the spouse believes this will be yet another fruitless endeavor and more time and money and hampster wheeling?

Offering marital advice on an internet forum should be as big a no-no as offering medical advice.

OP please go see a marriage counselor.

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This is by far the most sensible response I've read here. I'm appalled at how many people are jumping on the "dump him and fast" bandwagon.

First of all, no matter how many red flags or insinuations people think they see here, there is no way someone should be suggesting something so serious when they know so little about the situation, especially as easy as it is to have written messages misconstrued.

Naturally, we want to side with a person who feels it is a calling to do something and naturally we want to lynch anyone who appears to be unsupportive to another person's aspirations. But there is no way we can truly know the situation, because the old cliche is so true: there are two sides to every story.

This is theoretical and in no way is directed at the OP, but perhaps a person comes here and says I want to go to nursing school and my husband won't support me. He doesn't think I have what it takes.

Oh lordy, here comes WWIII. Everybody wanting the husband's hide.

But what might the husband (or spouse or significant other) have to say? Maybe there are other reasons besides insecurity and selfishness he says what he says? What if the aspiring nurse has also been aspiring at many other things in life and never finished or saw it through and the spouse believes this will be yet another fruitless endeavor and more time and money and hampster wheeling?

Offering marital advice on an internet forum should be as big a no-no as offering medical advice.

OP please go see a marriage counselor.

Somehow your post quotes me but I didn't write that.

I do think marriage counseling is in order.

steph

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Specializes in Renal, Max-Fax.

Thanks to 'in my' & 'motrocycle mama' for very sensible replies indeed. It's a two way thing.

And.......If your husband would be happy to be proven wrong then do just that....

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Specializes in Volunteered in an ER.

I was quite caught off guard after I posted my initial wah-wah....I had no idea how much of a response it would illicit. I was feeling defeated and very sorry for myself at the time, and it was an impulsive plea which made my post very negative....but that's exactly how I was feeling at the time. After you hear those words, "I don't think you can," come out of the guy you wanted to impress, you don't hear much of anything else.

I can't tell you what an enlightening experience this was, getting all your points of view and your support while you shared your experiences and your takes on the situation. It really helped me when I sat down and talked with my husband.

When we talked about it calmly, he apologized for the way he said it, re-phrased himself, and gave me some constructive criticism. We reached compromises; I would be more proactive, and he would then see that I was serious and support me, and even believe that I could do it. He ended the conversation by saying, "you know...I really think you're gonna make it."

I'm so glad I had all of you to go to in this issue, you inspire me all that much more to become a nurse.

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Specializes in being a Credible Source.

I'm so pleased to hear your update.

Open communication and compromise...two of the cornerstones of a great relationship.

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Specializes in SICU/CVICU.

I would kick him to the curb. But that's just me. I could never be with someone that didn't support me in something that was important to me.

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