How to raise kids...

txspadequeenRN, BSN, RN · Sep 17, 2005

I am right here with ya!!! I have 5 kids (15,13,5,4 and 3) All are fairly normal except my 4 year old and she is just plain crazy. There is no other way around it. Mine does not respond to any type of punishment as a matter of fact I think she likes it. She has been walking since she was 8 months old and been seeking and destroying ever since. I was pulling out my hair today just about to scream when my husband came home and I said "here deal with your child". When I ask her to pick up something she say's "NO, you do it" ,Are you kidding me my mom would have slapped my face into the next room!!!! One of the best things I ever did for this child was put her in daycare. She gets some non parental structure and is gets to be around different children. It has really helped her but when she gets home she is buck wild again. She just went to sleep and all I could say was thank the good Lord!!!! My pest control man was at my house today and said "Does she ever stop ..GEEEZZZZ she is making me tired.. :rolleyes: Most people say they have never seen another child like mine... extremly wild and off the wall....

Ok, I have had it up to here- with my four year old. She doesnt listen to a dam word I say! Something as simple as pick that up please and she runs off! She's sweet as pie but doesnt mind at all. Maybe Im too nice. Time outs dont work, she doesnt give a lick about sitting in the corner 5 minutes. Spanking her doesnt work either. Taking a toy away sorta worked at the time (she freaked out) but after a day or two she's forgotten she had it and why it was taken away.
What do I do? Its like I might as well not even talk because she doesnt hear it (no she's not deaf). Ive heard if you dont have control of your kids by the time they are 5 you never will.
I feel like I spend all day yelling and reprimanding and thats not the sort of memories I want her to have of me. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!! Im so at my wits end.
any help please!
-Jasmine

babynurselsa, RN · Sep 17, 2005

First, take a deep beath and say "One day I will miss these times." One day thos will seem like peanuts. She will one day be infected by adolescence. OK j/k

I know what you are going through. I have 4 kids 19, 16, 4, and 10 months.

First of all pick your battles it is an easy trap to fall in and make everything a battle.

Some times you just have to ask yourself if this thing will matter tomorrow.

On the things that DO matter you MUST be consistent. Being wishy washy just confuses kids. "It was ok yesterday why not today?"

If it involves their safety or destruction of property then you must be firm and consistent. As some of the others have said many small situations you can make into a game. Get a small basket to collect the toys and shoot hoops together.

I tend not to sweat the small stuff, my attitude is "If this child was to be gone tommorrow is this worth a battle today?"

I typically ignore thier rooms until I get injured on entry. My kids know that when I say no I mean it, I don't say no to everything. Tantrums and I don't care where they occur I simply ignore. They are no fun if you can't get a response. When my now 4 year old was about 2 she could pitch a good fit anywhere. The whole down in the floor kicking and screaming melee. I looked at her in the middle of the grocery store one day and said "Where is your Mother?" "We need to find her." She immediately stopped openmouthed and just stared at me trying to process what I just said and completely forgot about her fit. Later on she wised up and when I tried the same she looked up and said "I Don't know we better go and find her." and then she marched off.

I guess what I am trying to say is be creative and use distraction techniques to steer away from some of the behaviours that bother you.

Enjoy them now and love them well for one day they will be selecting your nursing home.

allnurses Guide · Sep 17, 2005

First, take a deep beath and say "One day I will miss these times." One day thos will seem like peanuts. She will one day be infected by adolescence. OK j/k
I know what you are going through. I have 4 kids 19, 16, 4, and 10 months.
First of all pick your battles it is an easy trap to fall in and make everything a battle.
Some times you just have to ask yourself if this thing will matter tomorrow.
On the things that DO matter you MUST be consistent. Being wishy washy just confuses kids. "It was ok yesterday why not today?"
If it involves their safety or destruction of property then you must be firm and consistent. As some of the others have said many small situations you can make into a game. Get a small basket to collect the toys and shoot hoops together.
I tend not to sweat the small stuff, my attitude is "If this child was to be gone tommorrow is this worth a battle today?"
I typically ignore thier rooms until I get injured on entry. My kids know that when I say no I mean it, I don't say no to everything. Tantrums and I don't care where they occur I simply ignore. They are no fun if you can't get a response. When my now 4 year old was about 2 she could pitch a good fit anywhere. The whole down in the floor kicking and screaming melee. I looked at her in the middle of the grocery store one day and said "Where is your Mother?" "We need to find her." She immediately stopped openmouthed and just stared at me trying to process what I just said and completely forgot about her fit. Later on she wised up and when I tried the same she looked up and said "I Don't know we better go and find her." and then she marched off.
I guess what I am trying to say is be creative and use distraction techniques to steer away from some of the behaviours that bother you.
Enjoy them now and love them well for one day they will be selecting your nursing home.

Great post.

My 4 year old had a melt-down when his movie was over because he wanted to watch it again and we said no. Factor into that he was tired. I simply looked at him laying on the couch crying and doing a little hissy fit thing and said "If you keep throwing a fit, you can't watch another movie for a week". He looked at me and immediately stopped.

I love your response "Where is your mother?". :rotfl:

And also not sweating the stuff that doesn't matter. My niece makes a huge deal over meals with her daughter and this has gone on for 4 years - she is 7. You can't win with meals. They aren't going to starve. If they don't eat what I cook, then they don't eat. Sooner or later they will eat something. I am NOT a stickler for eating everything on their plate though - it reminds me of my childhood and I believe increases the chance for kids not to know when they feel full and can stop eating. One of the ways people end up obese.

Pick your battles. Willful disobediance. Try not to say no all the time. And don't scream at your kids.

steph

babynurselsa, RN · Sep 17, 2005

You got it steph. You are in the same boat as me and have seen the other side. This 4 year old stuff is nothing. Wait till she turns 11. :) I called it the pre-menstrual year.

I treasure even the rotten moments because one day they are going to be all grown up. Don't get me wrong some days I wanna strangle the whole lot of them. But the trade-off would be not having them here.

Oh and by the way my living room floor is covered with toys right now.....

allnurses Guide · Sep 17, 2005

You got it steph. You are in the same boat as me and have seen the other side. This 4 year old stuff is nothing. Wait till she turns 11. :) I called it the pre-menstrual year.
I treasure even the rotten moments because one day they are going to be all grown up. Don't get me wrong some days I wanna strangle the whole lot of them. But the trade-off would be not having them here.
Oh and by the way my living room floor is covered with toys right now.....

Yeah, my living room too. Dad took dear little son to bed and read to him. They are both sound asleep.

My daughter is 16 now - I was mentioning to Marla that I looked at her yesterday and what I see is a young woman with long blonde hair - she bleached her beautiful red hair:o cut it shaggy like a 1980's rock star. She is so pretty but so . . .overdone. Not at all like my sweet little redheaded baby. I miss that child in all my children . . the little one who adored you and fell asleep on your chest so you could inhale their scent and hold time still . . . just for a moment. I'm such a sap. :rolleyes:

There are two bottles of Danimals Drinkable Yogurt on the living room table, a stuffed monkey and dog and lobster on the couch, a plastic trumpet on the floor. :)

steph

Fun2, BSN, RN · Sep 17, 2005

Absolutely no toys are allowed in the living room. That has been my rule since my girls were born!

If someone knocks at my door, at least they get an impression that I know what the heck I'm doing.

(Just don't look at the bedrooms! LOL) The girls have a "weekly bedroom cleaning" chore, unless needed earlier. The oldest one really doesn't get her room too bad, though. We make our lil' one get a trash bag every now and then to throw away toys that she doesn't play with anymore. We make her do it b/c that way she makes the decision on what to keep, and is happy with her decsion. Now, if I see something in the trash that doesn't need to be there, I'll take it out. (Ok, I'm a pack rat....lol), or if I see she needs to throw something away that she's keeping, I'll ask her why she is keeping it (and give my reasons of why not to). She usually sees my point of view, and throws it away, but ever now and then, she'll insist. So, I say, I better not see it on the floor, or I will throw it away. lol

Thursday evening, we had to sit at a football game & it was raining off and on. My daughter slid on her bottom all across the stands, even though I told her not to. Then, she started splashing the water off the stands up in the air, and had to tell her stop several times. Then she wouldn't sit still and ended up falling, and hurting her elbow & rear end. Luckily, we were on the very bottom seat. I did walk her down to where we were underneath the stands a little and told her she was to face the fencing. Liked that helped....she kept moving around & giving me dirty looks.

(Ok, what am I supposed to do, whip her A** in front of people?!?!??!...No the holier than thou no-spank freaks would think I was beating her.....HELLO! BEATINGS AND SPANKINGS ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!!!!):angryfire I wouldn't dare "beat" my child! (And don't give me a "Dr. Phil" lecture on why spanking is bad for your child. I was spanked, and I think I am well disciplined because of it. My brain is not warped, and I do not require medication for post-traumatic stress disorder!)

This is going to drive me nuts before she gets out of my house! 18? 19? 35?:chuckle The oldest one was so calm, minded, etc. You didn't even have to tell her no, you just had to look at her. If you gave her that no look, she stopped whatever she was doing immediately, and most of the time she wasn't doing anything that really needed to be seriously stopped.

I love my girls so much, and we are a very, very close family. My girls know mommy & daddy love them. (Every picture my lil' one makes is always a smiley face...no negative drawings.) :) We are always telling them we love them, hugging them, and making sure they feel loved.

It's just when we get out in public I think my daugter sets out to make a fool of & embarrass the $%#@ out of mom!

She has calmed down over the years. I think this is the payback I get from my hubby watching her during the day for 2 years when she was 3 & 4! (I worked days, he worked nights then.)

However, I knew I was in trouble when I told her no at 6 months old, and she grabbed my face with both of her hands & planted a big (open-mouthed) kiss on me! She has been a kiss up ever since when it comes to trying to get out of trouble! :rotfl:

I just hope I can take all of this. I hope she grows out of it even more. If she doesn't need Ritalin, or a natural calming supplement, then I need Valium! :uhoh3:

(By the way, is it just me or does "raising kids remind anyone of baby goats? LOL) My senior year English teacher would not allow us to say raise kids.....He said, "You raise kids, and you rear children!" :chuckle Thats why I usually say, "kiddos" now, trying to make it not sound like I'm talking about baby goats! LOL

Sorry for such a long post. lol

SkanauxRN2009 · Sep 17, 2005

i am the mother of 2 children, a 3 year old son and a 7 year old daughter with adhd. of course my 7 yr old is a real handful. this is what we've started to do lately and it seems to be helping a lot.

i gave each of my kids a mason jar to decorate with stickers. i bought a big pack of cheap poker chips from target.

they earn poker chips for good behavior, using good manners, and being kind and thoughtful to others.

they lose a chip for breaking any rules and for not doing what they are told the 1st time they are asked.

the chips are worth rewards, for example, 10 chips = a toy from the dollor store, 20 chips = one on one time with the parent of their choice playing what ever they want, within reason. those are just 2 examples...you'd come up with whatever appeals your own child.

between my daughters medication, and this method, it has really helped her to stop and think about her actions before they happen which has always been a problem for her with the adhd.

hope that helps

awesome idea!! i really like that one. i can see how that would keep them focused on collecting their chips. i might try that too with my little one.

SkanauxRN2009 · Sep 17, 2005

Absolutely no toys are allowed in the living room. That has been my rule since my girls were born!
If someone knocks at my door, at least they get an impression that I know what the heck I'm doing.
(Just don't look at the bedrooms! LOL) The girls have a "weekly bedroom cleaning" chore, unless needed earlier. The oldest one really doesn't get her room too bad, though. We make our lil' one get a trash bag every now and then to throw away toys that she doesn't play with anymore. We make her do it b/c that way she makes the decision on what to keep, and is happy with her decsion. Now, if I see something in the trash that doesn't need to be there, I'll take it out. (Ok, I'm a pack rat....lol), or if I see she needs to throw something away that she's keeping, I'll ask her why she is keeping it (and give my reasons of why not to). She usually sees my point of view, and throws it away, but ever now and then, she'll insist. So, I say, I better not see it on the floor, or I will throw it away. lol
Thursday evening, we had to sit at a football game & it was raining off and on. My daughter slid on her bottom all across the stands, even though I told her not to. Then, she started splashing the water off the stands up in the air, and had to tell her stop several times. Then she wouldn't sit still and ended up falling, and hurting her elbow & rear end. Luckily, we were on the very bottom seat. I did walk her down to where we were underneath the stands a little and told her she was to face the fencing. Liked that helped....she kept moving around & giving me dirty looks.
(Ok, what am I supposed to do, whip her A** in front of people?!?!??!...No the holier than thou no-spank freaks would think I was beating her.....HELLO! BEATINGS AND SPANKINGS ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!!!!):angryfire I wouldn't dare "beat" my child! (And don't give me a "Dr. Phil" lecture on why spanking is bad for your child. I was spanked, and I think I am well disciplined because of it. My brain is not warped, and I do not require medication for post-traumatic stress disorder!)
This is going to drive me nuts before she gets out of my house! 18? 19? 35?:chuckle The oldest one was so calm, minded, etc. You didn't even have to tell her no, you just had to look at her. If you gave her that no look, she stopped whatever she was doing immediately, and most of the time she wasn't doing anything that really needed to be seriously stopped.
I love my girls so much, and we are a very, very close family. My girls know mommy & daddy love them. (Every picture my lil' one makes is always a smiley face...no negative drawings.) :) We are always telling them we love them, hugging them, and making sure they feel loved.
It's just when we get out in public I think my daugter sets out to make a fool of & embarrass the $%#@ out of mom!
She has calmed down over the years. I think this is the payback I get from my hubby watching her during the day for 2 years when she was 3 & 4! (I worked days, he worked nights then.)
However, I knew I was in trouble when I told her no at 6 months old, and she grabbed my face with both of her hands & planted a big (:yawn:open-mouthed) kiss on me! She has been a kiss up ever since when it comes to trying to get out of trouble! :rotfl:
I just hope I can take all of this. I hope she grows out of it even more. If she doesn't need Ritalin, or a natural calming supplement, then I need Valium!
(By the way, is it just me or does "raising kids remind anyone of baby goats? LOL) My senior year English teacher would not allow us to say raise kids.....He said, "You raise kids, and you rear children!" :chuckle Thats why I usually say, "kiddos" now, trying to make it not sound like I'm talking about baby goats! LOL

Well I knew with my post I would get a reaction from those that do spank. That is fine. I am not a holier than thou do not spank your kid freak either. I was spanked with a belt, switch, whatever was grabbed in my mother's or grandmothers hand. I do not feel that made me well rounded at all. In fact I held grudges for that crap. It was a southern thing, if one grandkid messed up, we all got switched. It sucked even worse, when we had to pick our own switch from a tree. Guess that is why I don't do it. I have awful memories of it.

allnurses Guide · Sep 17, 2005

Absolutely no toys are allowed in the living room. That has been my rule since my girls were born!
Thursday evening, we had to sit at a football game & it was raining off and on. My daughter slid on her bottom all across the stands, even though I told her not to. Then, she started splashing the water off the stands up in the air, and had to tell her stop several times. Then she wouldn't sit still and ended up falling, and hurting her elbow & rear end. Luckily, we were on the very bottom seat. I did walk her down to where we were underneath the stands a little and told her she was to face the fencing. Liked that helped....she kept moving around & giving me dirty looks.

It sounds like your daughter knows she will get a few chances before you lower the boom, so to speak. :) You told her not to slide on her bottom and she did. You also told her several times to stop splashing.

Now, we have all done it. No one is perfect.

Next time, I would have just picked her up and put her on my lap and said she had to stay there until she could mind.

The toy question though - they are all over my house. :)

We play in the family room - especially puzzles on the dining room table.

Everyone has their own mess threshhold - mine is high. As long as it isn't dirty.

Good luck - my son got some boxes of macaroni out of the pantry and emptied them to feed to the flowers outside. Instead of getting mad, I told him we could feed them this one time but no more. We had fun sprinkling macaroni on the flowers.

steph

Fun2, BSN, RN · Sep 17, 2005

I think you took my reaction wrong, I wasn't downing your methods at all. I realize everyone has different ways of parenting...whatever works.

I definitely agree with the switch issue! Both of my grandmothers did that, and there is NO WAY I would do that on my children! (One grandmother even had thin leather strips! OUCH!!!) ...and as far as spankings, my children, well the youngest probably doesn't get them enough. lol I didn't like getting spankings, and that is why I usually won't. ..and yes, I went to school a couple of times with little loop bruises from a leather belt. That is why my daughter thinks belts are for wearing around your waist. lol

If something else works, then why spank? If nothing else works...."spare the rod, spoil the child!"

Anyway, I'm really talking about the ones w/o children of their own thinking they can tell someone how to "rear" that person's child. :uhoh3:

Stevielynn: Yep, she knows exactly what she can get away with (proof she hardly gets spankings...lol).

....and yep, I've done the lap thing too...thinking of, it was last Thursday's game! lol I really think she just has a problem of sitting still and watching the game, but hubby works late on Thursday's, so I have to take her. (She wants to go, but won't watch the game once she gets there. I'm scared she will fall and really get hurt one day.) uggh

Really, she's not a "bad" child. She just thinks everything's a game. (I guess pushing mom's buttons is really fun....lol)

Anyway, I hope my comments really didn't cause hard feelings, that is not the way it was meant. :)

Well I knew with my post I would get a reaction from those that do spank. That is fine. I am not a holier than thou do not spank your kid freak either. I was spanked with a belt, switch, whatever was grabbed in my mother's or grandmothers hand. I do not feel that made me well rounded at all. In fact I held grudges for that crap. It was a southern thing, if one grandkid messed up, we all got switched. It sucked even worse, when we had to pick our own switch from a tree. Guess that is why I don't do it. I have awful memories of it.