How to help your relationship survive night shift

ruralnurse84 · Apr 17, 2016

Do you work a set schedule or is it more random? If you are off for a stretch try getting back into a daytime routine so on your days off you can do stuff with him when he's home. I've worked night shift since I got out of school almost 2 years ago and we have made it work pretty well. Right now I work for a week straight with one night off in the middle and then am off for a week, so on my off week I go back to a more day time routine. It makes it easier to get stuff done around the house, run errands and spend time with my husband. But that's really the only advice I can offer.

brownbook · Apr 17, 2016

I think there is something wrong if you can't get out of bed to do dinner or make a monthly meeting. Is the dinner "thing" a daily occurrence or once in a while? But a once a month event you can't manage to get to.....?

Some people simply cannot do night shift. I honestly believe that, even though I did nights for 17 years with no problems.

You'd better get to day shift ASAP. Or see your doctor for a check up...maybe you have some physical, medical, problem?

NurseGirl525, ASN, RN · Apr 18, 2016

I am currently working night shift part time. In a couple of months it will be full time. I will be testing the waters on doing several nights in a row soon. I know I have an awful time falling asleep when I get home in the morning. If I get any sleep then I am up at 1pm for the rest of the day when I don't get home until 8:30am. I'm going to call my doc tomorrow about starting Ambien again. What time are you getting up in the afternoon? Since I am just on or two nights now, I am usually up at 1pm. I'm good for the day then. I know multiple shifts in a row will be different.

At that point, I think I will be getting up around 4pm. I've talked to several nurses on my shift on how they handle it. The first day, they sleep in until 11am or noon. I was getting up earlier and trying to take a nap. It was consuming my whole day. Now I sleep in until around 11 and then stay up. Boyfriend gets home around 3, so we spend a couple of hours together and then I go to work. He sees me for about 20 minutes when I get home in the morning and then he goes to work. I'm usually up way before he gets home.

I'm wondering about your quality of sleep? That's why I am going to go back on my Ambien I think. I need to be able to get quality sleep when I get home. I actually stay asleep with it, but it works different on everyone so I would call your doc. They have lots of things to help night shifters. I think if you got better quality of sleep you should be able to function by dinner time.

NurseOnAMotorcycle, ASN, RN · Apr 18, 2016

I sleep while my family is working/at school. By the time they get home I am up.

NightNerd, MSN, RN · Apr 18, 2016

Night shift can totally mess with your relationships. I'm fortunate enough to date a fellow with the same weird schedule :cheeky: , but my friendships have certainly changed a lot. It's survivable. What I've learned is:

-If at all possible, try to stick to a semi-night schedule on your days off. For me, switching back and forth every couple days was EXHAUSTING. So on days off, I might still not go to bed until 3, 4, or even 5 or 6, and I'll sleep until noon to 2ish, depending. That way, I'm up in enough time to go to appointments, run errands, and meet people for dinner/movies/whatever, but I'm not totally all over the place with my sleep. (Note: I know this doesn't work for everyone, especially for people who have kids, etc., but if you have the option, it may be something to try.)

-SLEEP IS SACRED. You don't say if you have trouble falling asleep during the day, but if you do, try to figure out what's interfering. Light and sound are a big deal, so maybe invest in black out curtains, ear plugs, and a white noise app on your phone phone. If the distraction is more severe than that, or if your thoughts are keeping you up, a visit to your doctor is probably in order.

-Don't expect too much of yourself the first day off after working a few in a row. I know I am useless after working two or three nights in a row (it was the same when I worked day shift, actually), so I try not to plan anything heavy or scheduled for the next day. Like if I work Monday and Tuesday night, Wednesday is my lost day, and my boyfriend knows it. We'll do something really duhhhh for dinner, put on a movie at home, whatever, and just chill. The days after, I am more able to get up "early", work out together, have dinner and go to shows with people, and just generally be more interactive. It's important to give yourself permission to recover from your shifts, whether you work days or nights.

-It's probably different for everyone, but I know it took me a solid 8-9 months to consistently be able to balance night work and the rest of my life. A friend of mine who works nights said her body finally stopped fighting her after a year of part time nights. All this to say, it may improve with time. (But it doesn't hurt to be proactive by seeing your physician about this, having good sleep hygiene, etc.)

If all else fails, there is no shame in switching to a schedule that works better for you. I know a lot of great nurses who have told me that they tried nights and just couldn't handle it for very long. Sometimes they do the odd shift with us for kicks and giggles, and then do days most of the time. Do what you need to for your health and well being. (As an aside, I'm glad your boyfriend is supportive through all of this! That's a big deal in my book.)

Kharma711 · Apr 18, 2016

Thanks for all the input!! I have trouble falling asleep in the morning, even if I didn't get much sleep the day before. I have blackout curtains and a fan for white noise. All electronic devices turned to silent. And still it takes forever to fall asleep or I have to resort to taking benedryl...

And on days off, I generally don't get to sleep till 11am or noon and then want to sleep all day/evening and sometimes into the night... and often I am sleepy for hours after I wake up...

The day shift position is mine to take so I'm guessing that's just what I'm gonna do... I never have trouble sleeping at night or partly at night on days off...

Kitiger, RN · Apr 18, 2016

I've worked straight nights most of the time. Here's what works for me:

I sleep 3 1/2 to 4 hours in the evening before going in the first night. There's something magic about getting that 3 1/2 hours in. Any less, and I will struggle. And I usually wake up on my own after 4 hours. I allow at least 5 hours before I have to leave for work.

Sleep time must be planned and scheduled. Don't expect to get enough sleep if you haven't allowed enough time. It is important enough that you must make room in your schedule to have that 5 hours, or whatever amount works for you.

When I work 2 or more nights in a row, I go in for the first shift with 4 hours under my belt. It takes me about an hour and a half to be ready for bed when I get home, then I sleep all day. If I wake up after 4 hours, I might get up for a while, but usually not. It's better for me to get that potty break and go right back to bed. Then I'm up all evening and go in to work rested.

When I finish my last shift in a row, I go to bed as usual and sleep for 4 hours. (I usually set the alarm for this.) I get up then, even though I'm tired. Once I get moving, I wake up and feel fine. (Getting on the exercise bike helps!) I go to bed around 9 or 10p, and sleep all night.

sjalv · Apr 18, 2016

I don't have an SO so it's hard for me to relate, especially because most of my friends work night shift too. However, I'm just chiming in to say that there are at least 2 nurses on my floor that switched to day shift due to not having enough time with their significant others, so it isn't unheard of.

Kharma711 · Apr 18, 2016

I think even with all the help, I'll probably take the day shift position. It's all made more complicated by the fact my SOs 15 Yr old son has decided to come live with us. He is homeschooled as well.

I love the people I work with and on work nights I rarely have trouble getting up at 4pm. But even under identical circumstances, If I know I'm off, I don't want to get up at 4pm.

My SO compounds this difficulty by letting me sleep as much as I want. This has meant him taking the brunt of cooking/cleaning chores and it just doesn't seem fair to him..

Thanks so much to everyone who gave advice and shared thier tips/tricks to dealing with night shift.

kbrn2002, ADN, RN · Apr 18, 2016

Do you work a set schedule or is it more random? If you are off for a stretch try getting back into a daytime routine so on your days off you can do stuff with him when he's home. I've worked night shift since I got out of school almost 2 years ago and we have made it work pretty well. Right now I work for a week straight with one night off in the middle and then am off for a week, so on my off week I go back to a more day time routine. It makes it easier to get stuff done around the house, run errands and spend time with my husband. But that's really the only advice I can offer.

This is pretty much the same schedule I work. My problem is I am working 12 hr shifts the week that I work so I don't see much of my husband that week at all. I get home about an hour before he leaves for work and I get up about the time he gets home then I go to work an hour later. He pretty much lives on frozen pizza's and microwave meals that week.

Having the entire next week off though makes it worth it so we manage the limited time together the week I work pretty well. We don't have kids at home anymore though so I am not sure how well that kind of schedule would work with a family.

missmollie, ADN, BSN, RN · Apr 18, 2016

I work nights, my husband works days. I actually work the weekends because he's off and it works out better with childcare arrangements. So sometimes, we plan to meet up for breakfast. My son loves it, we have some family time together, and all is well. Otherwise, there are four nights a week where he comes home, I have dinner made, the house is clean, and life is just like it was when I was a stay at home mom.

We also have an extra paycheck that we've never had before, so that's nice.

You have to do what is right for you and him, and without children, I can see how this would be difficult on the relationship. I hope you figure out what is best, but I hope you do it as a couple.