How to cope? Very Sad.

[NrsLucky]

As I was saying goodnight to a patient of mine as I was getting ready to end my shift Thursday evening and give report to the nurse who was now on duty I asked if there was anything she needed or I could do for her before I go. This patient who is only a few years older than myself looked at me before gazing out the window and asked if I could hold her hand. I of course obliged her request as I have become rather attached to this patient and I am normally very empathetic in general to all my patients which sometimes does cause me issues as it is now at 1:19AM in the morning. She than looked at me with tears streaming down her pale cheeks after I gently held her hands in mine and said (this is as close to word from word as I can recall. Nonetheless these words are seared into my memory even if they are not in the exact order as she shared them with me.) "I am so scared. I am acting like I'm fine for my family but I am so scared. I don't want to die. No matter how bad I try and convince myself that death is not that bad I just can't and don't believe it. I am scared to die. Today was a good day today and I felt fine so it's hard for me to think that I am dying. I don't know if Its going to hurt. I feel like there's so much I am leaving unfinished. I don't want not to be around my family or son. I want to see him grow old. I want to be there for him for his 1st day of school. I feel like there's so much more I need to laugh, smile, love, and just live. I am not ready to leave this world. I know it's selfish but I am just not ready."I was fighting back tears by the end of her emotional outburst and was utterly speechless. She stared at me for a minute and said "Im sorry. You don't have to answer. I just needed to tell someone how I really felt. I'm sorry it was you." I couldn't talks I just hugged her until an Aid interrupted us. I than said my goodbyes and said I would be back tomorrow. She passed away Friday afternoon. I was told 30 minutes before she left us the nurse heard her say what a beautiful day to die. May she rest now with no more pain. x 3 How do I cope? I'm haunted by these words it seems. Any advice would be helpful.

[NurseCard, ADN]

That's so, so hard, especially when it is someone so very young. I am still fairly young myself and it is terrifying to think, not of dying, but of leaving my children and family behind. Dying doesn't scare me, not like it used to.

Anyway, what a difficult thing you have had to go through. My advice is to take some deep breaths, and do something to take care of yourself. Rent a funny movie and order a pizza. Watch your favorite team play a game on TV. Call some friends and go out for a night on the town.

:hug:

[leslie :-D]

what a special gift you were given.

to me, i see it as God sending you to comfort this woman...

and you did - beautifully, i might add.

how to cope??

you are coping, even with great sadness, you are still coping.

you allowed her to verbalize her fears, which enabled her to die more peacefully...

aeb, 'it's a beautiful day to die'.

people that are tormented, don't make statements like that.

as another poster suggested, pay it forward.

extend this type of loving and sensitive care, to all your pts.

as a long-time hospice nurse, i can assure you that you really did give her a headstart on this journey called death...

by allowing her this peace, before she died.

as it stands now...her peace is eternal, no worries there.

your sadness will diminish gradually.

your apparent sensitivity will benefit all of your other pts, from hereonin.

it's perfectly ok to smile for yourself - knowing you gave her your personal and professional best.

it's also ok to smile, because your pt will never know fear again.

it sounds like it was a heartwarming, intimate encounter you both had.

bravo.:hug:

leslie

[IEDave, ASN, CNA, LVN]

In all likelihood, you being there and allowing her to verbalize her fears assisted her in being able to peacefully let go.

And no, you don't soon forget those experiences, they can be very powerful and usually remain with you a long time.

Nicely put, Old.Timer.

About the only thing I would add (although from what you've described I think you handled it beautifully) would be to remind the pt that you'll be there for her family as well. Probably gilding the lily in this case - just throwing it out there for those that may want to make use of it in future.

As for coping - well, what I've been doing is tucking memories like this one away in a special place where they're not disturbed; spend time with friends & family; and, those whom I trust get to hear about some of these memories. Sometimes it's a pt, sometimes a friend, sometimes a classmate - whenever it's appropriate. With time, the sorrow passes, and I'll have a nice collection of memories. And, when it's my time - I'll take them out, and use them to help me when it's my time to move ahead.

Peace be with you, NrsLucky.

----- Dave

[Jaimie.RN]

Sometimes we all just need someone to listen even if they don't understand, just so long as they care, and she felt that you cared enough to listen to her, that helped her feel safe and even though she was scared, she was not alone. I am sad for this situation but happy that you were there for her.

[Anna Flaxis, BSN, RN]

Thank you for sharing this. It's beautiful.

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to you, as you didn't know what to say to your patient.

I think some of us would have messed the moment up by trying to reassure her. She knew there was no way you could fix it for her, and you didn't try. Your response was the best one possible.

Darnnit, now I need a hug too. Peace to all my allnurses friends.

[NrsLucky]

Hi Everyone,

This was my first thread here on AllNurses. I am very glad that I decided to seek advice on here as I didn't feel comfortable asking my friends and coworkers for advice on coping with this situation as I felt to embarrassed to ask since I didn't want anyone to think I am less of a nurse(this happens a lot since I am the only LVN on this floor and my coworkers are RN's). I immensely appreciate everyone of your responses. Your advice has helped me tremendously. Thank you all for taking the time to respond, it has assured me more than you all can imagine. I have never had a patient break down like that to me before. I have had patients ask me if they were going to die when there health began to drastically deteriorate which I would reply as truthful and calm as possible "I am not sure. But I will be here with you and I won't leave." But when she told me everything that she did I felt so ill-equipped at that moment that I truly felt I failed her as I was unable to provide verbal comfort knowing her DX and prognoses when I should have. I felt as I left the hospital that the one time a patient truly needed me I failed her because instead of being able to comfort her as I believed she wanted me to my words failed me and all I could do was hug her tight and let her cry. I wanted to give her all the reassurance I could but I was unable to. In truth...I actually wanted to cry with her and let her know that I didn't want her to die either. 3 days before this happened as I was saying goodbye for the evening she told me that she liked when I was around because she felt safe and that everything was going to be okay. This on top of her confession to me just weighed heavy on my mind because I couldn't help her and that is what she wanted from and all I wanted to do for her.

By reading your responses I feel so much better because I can think of it through a different perspective...a "nursing perspective" if you will. I feel comforted when thinking that I did help her more than I realized. I will do my best to try and think this way instead of being so hard on myself if ever I am lucky enough to help be an outlet for one of my patients again.

Thank you all so much.

Respectfully,

NrsLucky

[NrsLucky]

:thankya:

[NrsLucky]

leslie,

Thank you for your reply. Although I found everyones responses to be very comforting and helpful your response really hit home with me. Your advice definitely comforted me more than I can explain.

Thank you,

NrsLucky

what a special gift you were given.

to me, i see it as God sending you to comfort this woman...

and you did - beautifully, i might add.

how to cope??

you are coping, even with great sadness, you are still coping.

you allowed her to verbalize her fears, which enabled her to die more peacefully...

aeb, 'it's a beautiful day to die'.

people that are tormented, don't make statements like that.

as another poster suggested, pay it forward.

extend this type of loving and sensitive care, to all your pts.

as a long-time hospice nurse, i can assure you that you really did give her a headstart on this journey called death...

by allowing her this peace, before she died.

as it stands now...her peace is eternal, no worries there.

your sadness will diminish gradually.

your apparent sensitivity will benefit all of your other pts, from hereonin.

it's perfectly ok to smile for yourself - knowing you gave her your personal and professional best.

it's also ok to smile, because your pt will never know fear again.

it sounds like it was a heartwarming, intimate encounter you both had.

bravo.:hug:

leslie

[NrsLucky]

:) thanks

[BCgradnurse, MSN, RN, NP]

NrsLucky-

You gave the patient exactly what she needed by simply listening. She was very lucky to have you there.

It's ok to be sad about this. We are only human, and the ability to be touched by our patients is part of what makes us good nurses. We learn and grow by experiences such as this. I hope your sadness passes quickly and you take comfort from the gift you gave this woman.

[ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP]

This post made me cry.

How heartbreaking...