No disrespect by the title of this thread, but I must say I am rather frustrated with what is going on.
My dad has hx of alcoholism (and addictions of other nature as well). When he first got terminal lung ca the doctors told him how addiction is not a concern now, only pain control. Well, I believe he either never really fully understood the pain scale or he manipulated to get strong opiods to medicate anxiety (he has Xanax, but I think he prefers the completely out of it state of Oxy--until he became completely "gone".). Anyway, he is now sitting at 600 mg Oxycontin per day when you combine SR with IR. He is so out of it that he nods out in from of the fridge for 3 hours!!! It has gone from bad to worse! Every time hospice comes my dad says his pain is between a 6 and 8 on the pain scale but will tell us earlier that day that the PHYSICAL pain in his chest is only a 3 but his MENTAL pain is off the charts. We try to explain that Xanax is for mental pain, Oxycontin for physical pain, but no matter what, every time he has some anxiety (which is all the time) he reaches for that IR! Well, because of that every time they come they are upping his drugs. Last time, he couldn't even talk with the nurse for the assessment w/o his head falling and she wanted to DOUBLE the whole freaking dose! My dad will even say he doesn't like how his mind feels, how doped he is, but he doesn't speak up. I know he is just too afraid of what is too come.
It is frustrating cuz on one hand my Dad will say he thinks he is too doped up, that we are right he did not understand the pain scale, but then when the nurse comes he is like mums the word! Last time she visited we all were there (my siblings) and everyone ended up in this big fight :argue: , speaking for my Dad. Finally I spoke up (I could tell the nurse was frustrated) and said, "Excuse me, but shouldn't my father be able to speak for himself..I mean, is he still ABLE to speak for himself?" The nurse said, "Yes". So I said, "well, ask him then!" (regarding whether he wanted the medication doubled). We were so very concerned because now he has become incontinent of bowel and urine at night, and most recently, has developed tremors. The nurse also said that putting him inpatient for one week and getting him on Methadone was another option. WHAT?? Jeez, we don't want to do that....He had one month to live one month ago, the last thing we want to do is put him in a facility to "detox" from Oxycontin. Jeez.
I don't know if we are all fighting a losing battle anyway. His appetite is close to nothing (don't know if that is influenced by the Oxy). He has tremors now and they did decrease the Oxy because of that. He can't hold his bowels. And according to him, pre Oxy, the only pain he had was in his chest!! I don't know if it is just the drugs causing all these symptoms. He is taking something like 50 pills a day!!!! You know, senna, colace, xanax, mediclophan (nausea creme), Oxy SR and IR. He can't even remember what day it is and DEFINITLY can't figure out when he gets more pain meds. I don't even know how he even can remember he is in pain!!!
he was supposed to have only "weeks to months" according to the doc back on St Patty's Day. with his SCLC, the tumor near his heart is the big prob, but now he has a visible mass on his back near his kidney. We want my Dad to lead a pretty OK quality of life while his pain isn't so bad, but now, because of these drugs, he has lost almost all dignity. Am I wrong to assume this? Is this just the end, like it or not? I just wish these drugs were never started cuz now we will never know how he really would have felt! :crying2:
If you have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation, I would like them..anything that has not already been suggested.....
you know thrash, you have alot of insight and perception.
and i'm relieved to see your response(s) with such 'oomph' in spite of some inappropriate posts.
i got the distinct impression that you wanted to be with your dad and that's why i encouraged it. i know it's difficult to see clearly when there's so much obscurity in your life.
whatever you do, it's clear how much you love your dad.
and if it's clear to me, then it's even clearer to him.
Yes… every abused child is convinced that the abuse was their own fault. That is the nature of abuse. Every abused child thinks they caused the abuse. Look it up.
Congratulations Leslie, you have supported a twisted view; i.e. describing emotional abuse as “insight and perception.” You go on to describe anyone who disagrees with your twisted view as an “inappropriate post.”
Advising an individual to depart from the dysfunctionalism of their upbringing is, apart from your assessment Leslie, anything but “inappropriate.” Encouraging someone to remain in a dysfunctional system in order to stroke your own ego is, in a word, sick.
Just wanted to let you know, I'm sorry your going through this.
My mom died of lung cancer last May. Her hospice nurses were great, it was her stupid husband we had problems with.(she was married to him for 5 years, after my dad died). I was an ICU nurse, and I didn't want my mom dying in pain. We kept her comfy with morphine, but her husband didn't want her to have it- since it made her fade in and out. Thankfully, my older sister was POA, so she could override his stupidity. Mom was ready to go, and even the day she died, her husband was harping at her to eat (she hadn't eaten in a week).
I wish you peace during this time, it's hard anyway, but throw family dynamics in, and it can really get crazy. I bet your hospice nurse has the same philosophy as me, in not letting people die in pain, if you can help it.
Specializes in Geriatrics/Oncology/Psych/College Health.
Thrashej - you're a strong person. No one comes out of that without being one. Your concern and love for your Dad is incredibly admirable. Whatever decision you come to is the right one for you because you made it for yourself. It sounds like your Dad has a supportive family and a great professional team working for him as well. Warmest regards.
Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.
Thrashej,
Just do what you have to do. School, future career and all that stuff will be there when you can deal with it. If you want to stay with your dad and that is what makes you feel you are doing the right thing then just do it.
I think your dad is one lucky man to have you, and despite his issues he must have done something right because you are a person I really respect.
Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words.
Now that I have more free time I can work on my dysfunctionalism. (serious)
And gee, my therapist thinks I am pretty freakin' normal compared to the rest of my family!! Yes, I am the one heading in the right direction...
I am making jokes, but I do appreciate the "other side of the coin" posts. No offense here. I was a little confused with what they had to do with my original post:confused: (tell me something I don't already know) but.... I see your point, I have been told that before. gotta love all that "tough love"... I will give you this, it is very hard to "get normal" when you are the only one in your family trying. They are really good at making you feel guilty for doing what is "healthy". I gotta watch myself all the time. There is a fine line between showing them I care and supporting them and not being sucked down into their way of life. They can, at times, make me believe that I am much less of a person than they are when in reality, I am just getting closer and closer to normal! It is hard to look at yourself, look at the truth, isn't it? Some people never will. I have to remind myself all the time when I start getting the "guilt trip" that it is not deserved and coming from unhealthy people.
Like I said, I just know that I need to be with my Dad right now to feel comfortable with MYSELF. It has nothing to do with what my sister or brother or Dad wants me to do. I looked at the situation and said to myself, "What do I want to do, what will make me feel good and have the least regrets?" That was being at my father's side and with my siblings. I want to help my sister because she is dealing with this practically alone, aside for the hospice nurse. She is having a hard time, like me...like my brother, I am sure. I care for her, I love her, I don't want to see her struggling and hurting, either. We will deal with my brother AFTER my Dad passes, assuming he doesn't kill himself by then with drugs. That is when I will let him fall and he will lose everything. Hopefully, my other family members, whom always bail him out, will see that this time. Right now, we are just trying to tolerate him! I am always the one making the stand NOT to help him but someone else always does. They don't come to me for help cuz they know they will get "attitude". LOL. They make me look heartless and uncaring even though what I am doing is healthy and normal because if they did not make me feel heartless and uncaring they would have no power............no guilt:idea: . They manipulate with guilt, without that they are nothing......RIGHT?? (see, I did learn a few things from Mr. Bradshaw!)
Alright, turing this into a PBS special. I am done now, stepping off of soapbox.:bowingpur Thank you guys who have helped me.:loveya: While I am sad to leave my class and start anew, there are many things I have to sort out and resolve before I continue, including the death of my father and my mental health. Peace to you all!:icon_hug:
Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.
You sound more peaceful so i am thinking you made the right decision for you. Now let me tell you about my family..........just kidding, I wouldn't do that to you!
LOL, CrunchRn........I am sure yours is much the same! I know I am NOT the exception. Although I DO think it would be entertaining to watch the dynamics in action!
Yes, looking at one’s self is difficult… perhaps the most difficult task in life. It is the only path to personal growth, but it is truly frightening. However, we eventually discover that the only thing more frightening than looking at our Self is- not looking at our Self.
Those who come from dysfunctional backgrounds (everyone to one degree or another) do not know how to act “healthy.” How could they? So in order to leave the dysfunctional behavior patterns behind one must “act as it” one is healthy… with the hope that someday the “act” will become so familiar that it is done without thinking.
I am glad you have chosen to let go of the “pity party.” Pity may feel good (sort of warm & fuzzy) in the short run, but in the long run it does nothing… except keep you stuck.
Bravo for you! But the road ahead is bumpy. Hang on to your trusted counselors. Your family knows how to push all your buttons (they installed them.)
While we are here (earth) it seems like this is all the is... the whole enchilada... when it fact it is but a fleeing moment in time.
thrashej has chosen to be with her dad. Her choice... not because someone pushed her buttons and made her do it... no regrets. That is living her own life. The question was never whether she should stay or go, but rather, that whatever she did it be her choice.
I think there have been lots of helpful replies. It's a real challenge caring for people with a history of alcohol abuse. One suggestion I have is to substitute Serax(Oxazepam) for the Xanax. That seems to work better with people who have a history of Alcohol abuse. Also, what about getting the hospice Social Worker and/or Chaplain involved to talk about his anxiety? Maybe they could get him talking and think of some non-pharmacological strategies that would help. I do find that most dying people rely on their previous coping strategies, and if he has medicated himself for anxiety throughout his life, he may be reluctant to give that up. I wouldn't want to spend my last weeks/months of his life fighting with him over it. Just try to keep him safe and comfortable and make the most of the time you have.
Of course, we all have families like yours. LOTs of them. Almost every family is dysfunctional to some degree. That's what I like about this job--it makes my family seem not that bad. Your dad is lucky to have you kids who care so much about him and are working so hard to help him. Nothing is perfect--but keep trying.
:crying2: 
(serious)
That is when I will let him fall and he will lose everything. Hopefully, my other family members, whom always bail him out, will see that this time. Right now, we are just trying to tolerate him! I am always the one making the stand NOT to help him but someone else always does. They don't come to me for help cuz they know they will get "attitude". LOL. They make me look heartless and uncaring even though what I am doing is healthy and normal because if they did not make me feel heartless and uncaring they would have no power............no guilt:idea: . They manipulate with guilt, without that they are nothing......RIGHT?? (see, I did learn a few things from Mr. Bradshaw!)
leslie :-D
11,191 Posts
you know thrash, you have alot of insight and perception.
and i'm relieved to see your response(s) with such 'oomph' in spite of some inappropriate posts.
i got the distinct impression that you wanted to be with your dad and that's why i encouraged it. i know it's difficult to see clearly when there's so much obscurity in your life.
whatever you do, it's clear how much you love your dad.
and if it's clear to me, then it's even clearer to him.
leslie