Help with "team player" skills - sarcastic new nurse needs a clue by four

[pinkiepie_RN]

I will admit that I often say things that involve me inserting foot in mouth, things that wouldn't even fly by on the radar with my friends but that can be easily mis-interpreted in the workplace as lazy behaviors or me unwilling to lift a finger even though that couldn't be farther from the truth. I've been called out by my nurse manager and given a verbal write up about my customer service/peer interaction skills and I'm ashamed. I've been provided with situations that were evidence of my lack of ability/willingness to work as a team and I've rationalized each situation in my head as either lack of common sense (brain fart) on my part or a difference in personal judgment (assuming that if a person is going in the med room that they're drawing up a med, even if it's on my patient in a crisis situation, because I was making sure the order was in the computer). My nurse manager says I've shown improvement and definitely thinks that it's something I can work on but it seems to me like these things just "happen" and I learn after the fact that it's something that I shouldn't have said or done. I'm not always sarcastic and I think it's a coping skill that I've learned to use if I feel uncomfortable with a situation or unsure or what to do. I don't want to get fired over this and I know I need to work on my personality and peer skills for the workplace and the real world.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I'm not seeking support for my actions, just understanding and advice on a better way to channel my lack of confidence at times. I'm good at asking questions, but I'm coming to realize that people would rather hear someone taking initiative than to be asked "Can I do anything for you?" without putting the piece together on their own.

[itsmejuli]

Oh I was in your shoes when I was young.

I learned to count to 10 before opening my mouth and do a lot more listening instead of reacting.

It takes practice, lots of it.

Just start by deciding in your mind to stay quiet and listen. Its going to be hard in the beginning, but the more you do it the better you'll get at it.

Another thing you can learn to do is to put yourself in the receiver's shoes. Learn how to phrase your words so that they don't seem so harsh. Think how you would like to be told something, then say it that way.

[SummerGarden, BSN, MSN, RN]

i think you answered your own question. take the initiative to help others and don't ask if you can help. also as far as your personality goes, if you cannot control what comes out of your mouth, then control your mouth (stop talking). do not respond to people's comments or whatever it is you are doing that is getting you into trouble. i learned a long time ago that most people i work with do not become my friends so i do not treat them that way. they are teammates/co-workers and that is all.

don’t beat your self up over this … if you worked in a different environment, you may not be having these problems. for example, if you were the popular nurse in this environment your co-workers would not be as hypersensitive to you and the things you say or do (i am not meaning things that are harassing or derogatory towards others ... i mean the petty things you may be saying or doing)…

continue to focus on the positives. you are fortunate to have a good nurse manager that is willing to work with you and notices your progress. continue to talk to him/her regarding these matters and you should be fine. by the way, i am sorry you are going through this because nursing is difficult enough without having co-worker issues to add to your problems. gl!

[pinkiepie_RN]

i think you answered your own question. take the initiative to help others and don't ask if you can help. also as far as your personality goes, if you cannot control what comes out of your mouth, then control your mouth (stop talking).

do not respond to people's comments or whatever it is you are doing that is getting you into trouble. i learned a long time ago that most people i work with do not become my friends so i do not treat them that way. they are teammates/co-workers and that is all.

btw, don't beat your self up over this ... if you worked in a different environment, you may not be having these problems. for example, you may not be the popular nurse at this time so everyone is hypersensitive to you and the things you say and do (i am not meaning things that are harassing or derogatory towards others ... i mean the petty things you may be saying or doing)... popular nurses tend to have more understanding co-workers.

i think you should focus on the positives and be fortunate to have a good nurse manager that is willing to work with you and notices your progress. continue to talk to him/her regarding these matters and you should be fine. gl!

you said it all. i think because i work with these same colleagues day in and day out, i don't necessarily wear my "professional/co-worker" hat as much as i should. i definitely get what you say about not being the popular nurse too - all of my co-workers are at least 10 years my senior and it's hard because i want to fit in with them. thanks for the support. i will continue to focus on the positives and work with my nm to make sure that things continue to improve.

[pinkiepie_RN]

Oh I was in your shoes when I was young.

I learned to count to 10 before opening my mouth and do a lot more listening instead of reacting.

It takes practice, lots of it.

Just start by deciding in your mind to stay quiet and listen. Its going to be hard in the beginning, but the more you do it the better you'll get at it.

Another thing you can learn to do is to put yourself in the receiver's shoes. Learn how to phrase your words so that they don't seem so harsh. Think how you would like to be told something, then say it that way.

Thanks for sharing! I swear I wasn't always this outspoken but it's something that's just recently come out and I've been having a hard time. It's weird, because I have little to no issues sitting back and listening to my patients but I'm quick to say something with my co-workers.

[ItsTheDude]

what the others have said, but also, take an interest in as many of your co-workers as you can (some are just too weird/lame to take an interest in though), ask about them, their families, their hobbies, etc. and talk about those things when you have time or are working together.

generally, those co-workers will then be more friendly to you and feel they can tell you what problems they have with you, instead of whining to the higher ups about you.

[pinkiepie_RN]

what the others have said, but also, take an interest in as many of your co-workers as you can (some are just too weird/lame to take an interest in though), ask about them, their families, their hobbies, etc. and talk about those things when you have time or are working together.

generally, those co-workers will then be more friendly to you and feel they can tell you what problems they have with you, instead of whining to the higher ups about you.

I try to take an interest but I often feel like it's not what they're looking for from me. One of my preceptor calls me "little one" and a travel/contract nurse calls me "the little sister she never wanted" and I feel like I'm struggling to gain respect. I get the impression that people find me un-approachable but I don't know why. Maybe I need to step outside myself for a bit.

[Jackoswald]

I'm one of those slower type of men who just don't understand sarcasm 90% of the time, and often assume people are being sincere.

Unless it's blatant and obvious sarcasm, it just flies by. For me, the easiest way to notice sarcasm or a joke is if they grin while saying it. Sure, straight faced humor is usually the punch line here, but in a field where you can't always afford to be misunderstood I think accompanying a joke with a sly smile helps. (Well, us slower ones, anyway.)

As for actually using sarcasm myself, unless it's blatantly appropriate I pretty much won't say anything. I love my cynical quips, possibly even a little too much, but I have a very obscure sense of humor which most people simply don't click with. It's far easier to say nothing and give a devilish smile in place of a cynical remark then provide a disclaimer with every joke I make.

So they're pretty much my three suggestions.

-Give them a smile and a laugh when it's a joke to make sure they know that.

-Don't say anything.

-Provide a disclaimer ("Oh, do I HAVE toooooo....!? Hahah just kidding no problem.")

Best of luck.

[creating_wellness]

Hey, I can totally identify with a lot of what you're saying. I'm a new nurse as well, out in the job market, and I'm trying to figure out how to present myself with as much class & maturity as possible-- without looking too big for my britches-- and to stay humble without looking like I lack confidence (even though it's kinda true that I do lack confidence at the moment). I think the core of the issue there is a gap in trusting ourselves, which makes us turn to other people for approval/validation/definition of who we are. And, since we can't control what other people think of us, that can develop into a no-win situation until the locus of control lies firmly within. ("we" being a "universal we" here.)

I am a big fan of therapy. I feel like most people, throughout the course of their life, will encounter something that challenges them to the point where they may need to seek help in dealing with it. I see a therapist to work through past trauma and dysfunctional childhood crud. I wonder if part of the issue here for you is that working so closely with your coworkers brings up triggers about family relationships? Sometimes group dynamics pushes buttons in exactly the same way that family conflict pushes our buttons. Perhaps seeking out an employee assistance program would help get out some feelings that you might be pushing down?

It seems like others are interpreting your behavior as passive-aggressive. Sarcasm is a tricky one, because it's like saying "Hey I'm angry at you, and I'm going to joke about it, so it doesn't seem so serious." I believe that if anyone is exihibiting passive-aggressive behavior, there are valid reasons to be angry-- but in order to cope, the anger had to be pushed down. Maybe the framework for healthy conflict just isn't there (often the case in the workplace!!). From my own point of view, whenever I'm around a certain kind of older woman who is controlling or critical, it triggers past emotions from dealing with my mother, when I was powerless to express my anger. It took a lot of work in therapy to bring that to light, and to find a healthier way to deal with it! :) I had some regrettable work problems in a past job because of difficulty communicating with a certain supervisor. Live and learn, though. Trying to transform those regrets into a more benign remorse.

I hear in your story that you are self-reflective and willing to change, and it seems like you're also aware that these tendencies are just coping mechanisms that aren't working anymore. And hey, we're only human, EVERYONE has a few undesirable coping mechanisms. "Change is uncomfortable, but so is staying the same."

[50caliber]

Maybe this is too simplistic of a view but it has gotten me pretty far in life in terms of getting along with others and being socially accepted. Fitting in/blending in or being able to work with a broad range of personalities will get you pretty far in this profession.

1) Be friendly to everybody or fake it. Before I start a shift, I try to greet everybody and acknowledge them by their first name. Nurses, MD, techs, clerks, I mean everybody.

2) This is work. Folks are here are your coworkers/teammates and not your "friends". Keep things professional until you really know them.

3) At all cost, don't be annoying at work. People pick up on things real quickly and this is not something you want to be known for.

4) Always be willing to help others. Don't hide. I work in the ER and if someone is looking like they are falling behind, I jump in there help with their pt. Be it, starting IVs, getting report from medics, giving meds, discharging them, etc. No need to ask if they need help help just do it. They will notice this, trust me.

5) Just handle your business from a work standpoint and be competent. This is the minimum and will get most people off your back. If you can blend in or somehow fit it in, that will be icing on the cake.

[klone, MSN, RN]

It's weird, because I have little to no issues sitting back and listening to my patients but I'm quick to say something with my co-workers.

I think it just comes from a lack of confidence. I used to do that when I was new - I am smart and I want my coworkers to know it, darnit! Unfortunately, it often comes off as arrogant to people who don't know you well. I still struggle with it when I'm in new situations. The fact that you can recognize it is good. Like others said, trying to get into the habit of counting to ten before opening your mouth is a good suggestion.

When you're a new nurse, it's hard to admit that you don't know it all. As a more experienced nurse, I find it much easier to ask for help and say "hey, I don't know that answer."

As you become more skilled and confident in your abilities, it will probably get better.

[pinkiepie_RN]

Hey, I can totally identify with a lot of what you're saying. I'm a new nurse as well, out in the job market, and I'm trying to figure out how to present myself with as much class & maturity as possible-- without looking too big for my britches-- and to stay humble without looking like I lack confidence (even though it's kinda true that I do lack confidence at the moment). I think the core of the issue there is a gap in trusting ourselves, which makes us turn to other people for approval/validation/definition of who we are. And, since we can't control what other people think of us, that can develop into a no-win situation until the locus of control lies firmly within. ("we" being a "universal we" here.)

I am a big fan of therapy. I feel like most people, throughout the course of their life, will encounter something that challenges them to the point where they may need to seek help in dealing with it. I see a therapist to work through past trauma and dysfunctional childhood crud. I wonder if part of the issue here for you is that working so closely with your coworkers brings up triggers about family relationships? Sometimes group dynamics pushes buttons in exactly the same way that family conflict pushes our buttons. Perhaps seeking out an employee assistance program would help get out some feelings that you might be pushing down?

It seems like others are interpreting your behavior as passive-aggressive. Sarcasm is a tricky one, because it's like saying "Hey I'm angry at you, and I'm going to joke about it, so it doesn't seem so serious." I believe that if anyone is exihibiting passive-aggressive behavior, there are valid reasons to be angry-- but in order to cope, the anger had to be pushed down. Maybe the framework for healthy conflict just isn't there (often the case in the workplace!!). From my own point of view, whenever I'm around a certain kind of older woman who is controlling or critical, it triggers past emotions from dealing with my mother, when I was powerless to express my anger. It took a lot of work in therapy to bring that to light, and to find a healthier way to deal with it! :) I had some regrettable work problems in a past job because of difficulty communicating with a certain supervisor. Live and learn, though. Trying to transform those regrets into a more benign remorse.

I hear in your story that you are self-reflective and willing to change, and it seems like you're also aware that these tendencies are just coping mechanisms that aren't working anymore. And hey, we're only human, EVERYONE has a few undesirable coping mechanisms. "Change is uncomfortable, but so is staying the same."

I was actually in therapy for a while for a few other reasons and thought that I was doing alright without it. Maybe I'll give my therapist a call. My behavior could definitely be reflective of a dysfunctional family growing up and that's why it comes off as passive-aggressive.