Has Nursing hardened you?

RNsRWe, ASN, RN · Apr 24, 2012

I wonder why people don't pose the question to lawyers about how too much time in the field hardened their hearts? Or to doctors....or dentists.....or engineers....or accountants?

Seems to me, a professional in ANY field who has worked in that field long enough to be considered experienced is likely to have suffered a few too many dings and have survived a few too many aggravating episodes.

It's LIFE that makes people hardened, not that they chose nursing.

loriangel14, RN · Apr 24, 2012

It hasn't hardened me but I have learned not to be a doormat.

Creamsoda, ASN, RN · Apr 24, 2012

I wouldn't necessarily say "cold", but jaded, yes. Im am for the most part pretty caring, as much as my "caring" self can be- I'm not a very huggy, lets all hold hands kind of person, but I would say 99% of my patients would say I'm caring. That being said, I am also a no nonsense kind of person, so patients or others can interpret that how ever they want.

But the whole medical field has made me jaded, sarcastic ect even more so that I was to begin with. Theres too much of "lets try to save everyone!" when not everyone should be saved. Irritates me to know end to have to take care of these people/families with false hopes because the medical community can't tell them that yes, they are dying, but we can try to make you suffer a little longer because we can. THAT is what makes me jaded and perhaps to some appear cold, but to me I would consider that the most caring viewpoint...put em out of their misery!

ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP · Apr 24, 2012

I wonder why people don't pose the question to lawyers about how too much time in the field hardened their hearts? Or to doctors....or dentists.....or engineers....or accountants?

Seems to me, a professional in ANY field who has worked in that field long enough to be considered experienced is likely to have suffered a few too many dings and have survived a few too many aggravating episodes.

It's LIFE that makes people hardened, not that they chose nursing.

I ask this because I'm a nursing student. Also, nurses are always stereotyped as being the compassionate "softies" whereas lawyers are known to be pretty cut-throat.

But I do like that last sentence. Reminds me of Arcade Fire's "Wake Up" song.

anotherone, BSN, RN · Apr 24, 2012

Simple question: Has nursing hardened you?
I'm currently a student, and I have noticed that some of the older clinical instructors are very cold, harsh and indecent towards some of the nursing students, myself included. I know some PCAs. One certain PCA, a 31 year old nursing student w/military experience, referred to some of the nurses on her unit as " cold *******" and said she was afraid after many years of working in the field (after graduating and passing the NCLEX, of course), she will end up just like them. Many of the other nursing students have voiced similar experiences, saying that many of the nurses on their unit were just rude or plain cold.
This is NOT to attack nurses, but after I had a dentist appointment, I noticed a stark contrast between the happier, less stressed out RDHs from the overly stressed and very cold nurses that I have come across. This is NOT to say that all nurses are like this, I have met some really nice ones (and a couple of really lovely clinical instructors), but in general, the longer one has been in the field of nursing ,the colder and less compassionate one becomes...from my observation. Statistically, 1 out of every 7 nurses will end up with a drug/substance problem (according to my lecture notes)...could it be d/t the stress of nursing?
So, I was wondering, to all the nurses out there who have been in the field for a long time, how has nursing changed you as an individual? Have you found yourself becoming colder and more detached or more warm and compassionate? Has nursing made you depressed? And finally (and most importantly) do you regret nursing?
I have found that I have lost apart of my confidence and self-esteem, and nursing seems to have an ugly side to it that really is disappointing. Quoting someone I love, "Upon visiting your nursing school, I have never met a more hostile, unwelcoming, cold environment and I can only imagine what you go through when I'm not around." And this person is fifty.
Again, this is NOT an attack, but just an observation and things I've experienced first hand and have been told, and I'm wondering about this!

Yes, I do think my heart is " hardened" or harder than it was before all of this. But I dunno if it is all nursing or just getting older. i was not much different before this either.never been able to verbalize feelings, even know what i am feeling etc. Have always compartimentalized from a very young age. Now I do find myself caring less because how much caring can you do before it completely drains you. Like another poster said how many times are you supposed to cry at the same story or md whining/yelling etc. eventually it has to not even phase you any of it or you will become a big mess. Regarding the drug statistics what are they for the public in general? I do not think it would be much different, honeslty. I think easy access is one thing and the physical and emotional stress of the job. It is very stressful, and just a few days ago I read a(older) post on here written by a pt about how nurses do not deal with life and death and use that as some sort of justification for blah blah blah. Well , the public and those not in nursing or medicine have NO CLUE what we deal with on a daily basis. I work in med surg not even or, icu, er and I see plenty of death and even worse on an at least weekly basis and it is life and death many shifts. I have a pt on comfort care, another with VERY poor prognosis etc and people excpet me to be smiling all the time. i do it but it is not sincere. If I think of all the nurses on the floor most are not generally happy people at least not at work although most of them knwo how to fool patients/managment well enough.

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN · Apr 24, 2012

::sigh:: as sure as god made little green apples, somebody will very soon come along to post something like, "well, i never! ask a heartfelt question and just look at all those heartless mean replies. i guess it's true!" and of course, there will soon follow a chorus of "nety! nety! woe is us, they were mean to me!"

op, dear, you ain't seen nothing yet if you think this is so terrible. but i must warn you that you can't come waltzing in here and fling around allegations like 1/7 nurses have substance abuse problems and your 50-year-old friend says your nursing school has a nasty aura and expect people to toss you rainbows and violets.

you are disappointed in nursing? your self-esteem has come a cropper? this is because... nursing isn't...what for you, exactly? uniformly sweetness and light? unfailingly warmly approving of the essence of you? because some nurses sometimes don't have the time of day for you, for whatever reasons? what? at the risk of doing more damage, i must say: it is not about you.

you must be a fairly young person, judging by the weight you put on someone's age being fifty (oh, to be fifty again! ), and because you don't know that what hardens one is not nursing per se, but having the life experience and perspective that you will get with growing older.

but i''ll bite. in answer to your questions, no, i've been a cantankerous, but engaged, person who questions assumptions all my life. i am more compassionate with suffering now than i was in my starry-eyed twenties because i have had occasion to suffer a bit, so i am more truly com-passionate, with/sharing the same feelings, than before i lost loved family members of my own and had to work through my own medical crises. i know so much better what to say to a grieving family or a frightened patient, absolutely not to share my own experiences but to help them make sense of their own. the nurse in me has learned more of how to present a therapeutic presence in life than in school.

i am less apt to let my feelings show to you, though, were you to meet me, because i have also learned to keep them to myself at work. the fact that i am only marginally interested in yours should help teach you the value of keeping yours private as well. were we to work together, you would find me a busy colleague who nevertheless takes the time to answer your questions and has a sincere interest in your professional development, because you are part of our future. but that's as far as it goes. if it's not far enough for you, well, color me heartless.

well said my friend........

ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP · Apr 24, 2012

Wow - don't really know where to start.
"1 out of every 7 nurses will end up with a drug/substance abuse problem". This is an incredible piece of nonsense... Where is the citation on this factoid? Was this in a lecture or National Enquirer article? One of the hallmarks of professional nursing is critical thinking. This requires the ability to separate fact from fiction - reality from hearsay - and awareness of the effect of personal biases on judgement and reasoning.

So you are telling me that my instructor and that stats are just lying to the students?

American Nurse Today

This one states approximately 10-15%. "Substance abuse occurs across all generations, cultures, and occupations, including nursing. About 1 in 10, or 10-15% of all nurses, may be impaired or in recovery from alcohol or drug addiction. Although nurses aren't at a higher increase risk than the public sector, their overall pattern of dependency is unique because they have greater access to drugs in the work environment."

1 out of 7 = 14%.

Are you saying this source is lying to? Please do your research before becoming so defensive.

"in general, the longer one has been in the field of nursing, the colder and less compassionate one becomes" And your sample size is? What are your criteria for 'cold and less compassionate?' Would these be experienced nurses that don't provide you with group hugs or gold stars? Nurses that are focused on providing high quality care with increasingly limited resources? Heck, according to you - they're probably just high or stoned, right? Have you considered that maybe they just don't like you?

I don't like the tone of this paragraph, particularly the last sentences.

However, considering I've been in and out the field for 1/3 of my life, worker, volunteer...I have a pretty large sample size. Also, seeing one of my PCA friends CRY and call the nurses "cold *******"...what? Are you implying that there is NO such thing as a cold, mean nurse?

And if the nurse didn't like me/someone, he/she still doesn't have a right to be unprofessional. There are some people I don't like either, but I treat them with decency and respect, and don't let my disdain for them show.

Honestly, why in the heck would you even want to become part of the horrible mess that you believe nursing to be? And - for the record - stating one's own opinions as fact in order to impugn an entire profession certainly seems like an attack to me. I'm coming up on 35 years of experience after choosing to enter nursing as a second career. I feel honored to have known and worked alongside so many wonderful nurses who - without fanfare or accolades & in spite of the bureaucracy - dedicate their working hours to improving the lives of others.

When did I state it as fact? I stated it was from my OBSERVATION....read carefully.

And when did I say there aren't any wonderful nurses? In fact, I stated quite the opposite. Again, read carefully before jumping on others.

anotherone, BSN, RN · Apr 24, 2012

I ask this because I'm a nursing student. Also, nurses are always stereotyped as being the compassionate "softies" whereas lawyers are known to be pretty cut-throat.
But I do like that last sentence. Reminds me of Arcade Fire's "Wake Up" song.

That sterotype hurts us much more than any other I can think of it. It is garbage. I have met really nice nurses and some of the meanest most uncaring people I have met have been nurses, just like cops, military members, etc anyone. There are millions of us. we are not all the same . It is a job we get paid to do, personality should not be factored in. Pts and management will most likely label and judge you for not smiling continously and all that bs even if you are the best nurse in the hospital because their basis for a good nurse is based on that stereotype. Also have you heard of compassion fatigue? your question is one I faced myself before and others have to even if some of the posters on here do not seem to be aware of it.

CompleteUnknown · Apr 24, 2012

Has nursing hardened me? Nope, I don't believe so. If anything, like some of the other posters said, I think in a lot of ways I'm actually softer inside now. I can see the forest for the trees, I'm more inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt, I understand that it's not just the big sudden crises that need my attention - the chronic but seemingly more minor (and less glamorous) issues are just as important, perhaps even more important.

Experienced nurses know how to prioritise and know what can wait until later, and maybe sometimes this looks like 'not caring'. It's not.

I used to be glad that everyone made it through the shift alive but over the years I've learned I have to aim a lot higher than that if my patients' needs are to be properly addressed. That might sound like a bit of a contradiction to the previous statement but it's not.

I'm better at spotting BS in all its forms and I don't sweat the small stuff quite so much and maybe that can look like hardness. It's not.

I have far less need to be right and far more willingness to meet patients where they are and do what works. I have much more understanding of what's possible and what's likely and what's just never going to be achieved. I'm far more understanding of life's difficulties in general now that life has had time to throw a few nasty issues at me but at the same time I know where to draw the lines better than I did when I was younger.

Now I really do understand that there is more than one way to skin a cat - I always said that but it wasn't until I had seen over and over again that other ways of skinning cats can work too that I really started to believe it inside.

I think some of what the OP is going through is fairly normal, I think there comes a time fairly early on for everyone when the realities of what it means to be a nurse hit. It can be quite overwhelming because all you can see are the negative things, you don't have the experience or knowledge yet to truly know the good things and it's difficult to see how it all balances out. This is the point that some people decide nursing isn't for them I think, and that's fine, but I would say this is actually the time that you (the general you) need to keep going otherwise the decision is made without having all the facts. This isn't something unique to nursing but perhaps it happens with more of a sense of personal crisis in nursing than it does in say engineering.

Statements like '1 out 7 nurses end up with a substance problem' are ridiculous though, would like to know where that came from.

RNsRWe, ASN, RN · Apr 24, 2012

I ask this because I'm a nursing student. Also, nurses are always stereotyped as being the compassionate "softies" whereas lawyers are known to be pretty cut-throat.
But I do like that last sentence. Reminds me of Arcade Fire's "Wake Up" song.

I realize that as a nursing student, you'd be asking the question of nurses, I was just "thinking out loud" in that people do not ask this of other professionals. Most likely due to that very stereotype you cite, that nurses are "softies". Probably one of the worst stereotypes, because it also brings up connotations of pushovers, people who can be pushed this way and that if someone wants something badly enough ("the nice nurse got it for me, the mean nurse said no").

I happen to do my job well, I have compassion, and I am in no way a softie or a pushover. If they can have something, well, so be it. If they can't, it's not that I'm being "mean" in denying them....which is the very impression so much of the public has concerning nurses. If the nurse broke rules to get them what they wanted, she was a "great nurse". If she stuck to the rules because it was in the patients' best interest, or her best interest, or both, she's "mean".

Stereotypes certainly aren't working on our side here.

ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP · Apr 24, 2012

::sigh:: as sure as god made little green apples, somebody will very soon come along to post something like, "well, i never! ask a heartfelt question and just look at all those heartless mean replies. i guess it's true!" and of course, there will soon follow a chorus of "nety! nety! woe is us, they were mean to me!"

op, dear, you ain't seen nothing yet if you think this is so terrible. but i must warn you that you can't come waltzing in here and fling around allegations like 1/7 nurses have substance abuse problems and your 50-year-old friend says your nursing school has a nasty aura and expect people to toss you rainbows and violets.

you are disappointed in nursing? your self-esteem has come a cropper? this is because... nursing isn't...what for you, exactly? uniformly sweetness and light? unfailingly warmly approving of the essence of you? because some nurses sometimes don't have the time of day for you, for whatever reasons? what? at the risk of doing more damage, i must say: it is not about you.

you must be a fairly young person, judging by the weight you put on someone's age being fifty (oh, to be fifty again! ), and because you don't know that what hardens one is not nursing per se, but having the life experience and perspective that you will get with growing older.

but i''ll bite. in answer to your questions, no, i've been a cantankerous, but engaged, person who questions assumptions all my life. i am more compassionate with suffering now than i was in my starry-eyed twenties because i have had occasion to suffer a bit, so i am more truly com-passionate, with/sharing the same feelings, than before i lost loved family members of my own and had to work through my own medical crises. i know so much better what to say to a grieving family or a frightened patient, absolutely not to share my own experiences but to help them make sense of their own. the nurse in me has learned more of how to present a therapeutic presence in life than in school.

i am less apt to let my feelings show to you, though, were you to meet me, because i have also learned to keep them to myself at work. the fact that i am only marginally interested in yours should help teach you the value of keeping yours private as well. were we to work together, you would find me a busy colleague who nevertheless takes the time to answer your questions and has a sincere interest in your professional development, because you are part of our future. but that's as far as it goes. if it's not far enough for you, well, color me heartless.

this could have been a great post had you not condescendingly referred to me as "dear" and not gone off on some tangent about "rainbows" and "violets."

had i referred to anyone as "dear" i would have gotten in trouble , but since you are quite popular on this board, you can get away it.

PeepnBiscuitsRN · Apr 24, 2012

Yeah, I'll admit I'm jaded and a little hardened too- take a look around you at what we are surrounded by:

--Big shot CEO's making policies that pull the rug out from underneath us and screw us over, while giving themselves a pat on the back and a considerable bonus.

--The new Hospital-Hotel confusion wherein the RN is also the servant, the cook, the waitress, and the pillow plumper. And before you say "well OF COURSE! We're here to hold hands, to serve and to plump pillows" it is all done for thankless jerks who then proceed to complain that "you didn't answer their call light within 7 seconds so they could give you their laundry list of things they want you to do for them- oh and you, the nurse are just a crappy nurse and deserve to be fired because you didn't give them their Dilaudid and Benadryl together! Wah! Oh and the ice water is TOO COLD! GO BACK AND GET ME ANOTHER!"

--Patients who get away with physically hurting nurses (patients in their right minds) and then who gets fired or punished? You guessed it!

--People who abuse the system: "BOO HOO! I don't get enough from public assistance! I'm starving, I'm wasting away! My morbidly obese 7 year old stuffing his face with Cheetos in the corner over there doesn't get a decent meal... all this while sporting 4 inch acrylic nails, several rings on their fingers, designer purse, cell phone, smokes in the designer purse, and a solid gold tooth or two.

We work hard, we DO care about our patients- we stay past quitting time for the sake of the patient and then we get told we're not doing enough. "Oh how nice a patient wrote in a comment about how good you were as their nurse, but unfortunately you haven't answered the call light within 5 seconds, so you're being written up.

So yeah...I'm pretty hardened and jaded. I love my job, I meet some pretty groovy people along the way and I have some awesome days, but the reality is that nursing seems to be evolving into a profession that isn't so much about caring as it is about politics, education and how many letters you have behind your name.