So my background: I have some mental diagnosis anxiety, panic attacks, Bipolar, ptsd, adhd and depression. What led up to my whole issue here was a big man came into my work and tried to rob me of my narcotics, I wouldn’t give them up in fear he would just target the other nurses and I was trying to protect my patients and get him out but he beat me up pretty good triggering my ptsd and depression. My boss didn’t care or do anything so it sent me into deep depression and I quit my job to take time to heal. I Socially drank-but rarely, Never a drug user. Until after all this went down so last year, just after I quit my job, when I was taking time to heal, I Had a quick 4 week drug binge due to being an idiot and allowing myself to do horrible things for someone I loved so I let him shoot me up like he was doing to try and save our relationship plus I was still having issues with the attempted robbery. I quickly learned he wasn’t doing this for any other purpose than to kill me for life Insurance! So he was arrested and I went to out patient treatment, voluntarily, got on suboxone immediately because I could not handle the kick, it was horrible! During this time I was only on suboxone for only 6 weeks and I was done and good to return to normal. I took 2.5 months off of work total and went I was ready I applied at other places and found a new job. Been there since. I never did drugs before, not a narcotic pill taker or any other issues other than mental illnesses. and I’ve been clean for 9 months after my one and only 4 week use of IV drugs in my life! So I’ve always been medicated for my mental diagnosis but my doctors mess with my meds And can cause instability which effects my anxiety and I miss work. So they cut me off my Xanax cold turkey, had a fun withdrawal then the other stuff happens. I lost my PCP due to insurance changes and now have no medicine for anxiety or panic attacks. Also suffering from severe insomnia! I am on leave right now for exposure to COVID at work and have plenty of time to try and find psych help, I’ve been calling everyone with no luck! Got in to see a lady Who promised to help me with my anxiety and tell her (she can visibly see I’m having panic attacks and anxiety!) my BP is crazy high , I have adhd and with the insomnia I’m a mess! I tell her I need anxiety meds and she says she isn’t giving me Xanax cause She can see I was on suboxone (she’s assuming I like pain pills or benzos) and she’s looking at me like I’m a piece of crap! I am telling you I’m not right mentally right now so I told her “I don’t have a ***ing pill problem you judgmental ***! I didn’t have a pill addiction, I never have! I’m not asking for Xanax, I don’t want Xanax! Can’t you give me buspar or Zoloft with my bipolar meds? And something to help me sleep until I can stabilize? My suboxone use was for something else and it has nothing to do with why I’m here! Will you please deal with my anxiety and panic instead of sitting there judging me!!”? She asked if it was from drug use and I didn’t even have to say, she already knew somehow. As I’m in the middle of my panic attack and chest pains Which I’ve been dealing with for the last 6 days! she says she is going to report me to the board of nursing! She said I have no right to be a nurse! Being a nurse is the only thing I am good at! Plus none of this affects my work unless I’m not being treated for my anxiety which I can’t help! I immediately yelled at her “are you ***ing kidding me! I’m trying to get myself stabilized right now and you’re gonna take away the one thing going good In my life right now? The only thing I’ve got right my whole life? That’s like telling me you’re taking my life away, the way I pay for my house, I’ll be homeless and what about my kids!?! Huh?” Then told her “you might as well just sign my death certificate now cause I can’t live without my career!” Then told her she’s messed up and hopes she’s the one who has to explain to my kids why we are homeless and how one mistake takes away your whole career and life!
so I’ve done some research and have determined the only thing I messed up on was my license renewal and denial of drug use. That’s the only thing they can get me on. I won’t pass a hair test my use is 9 months ago. So busted for that. Can’t deny it with hair. I do have 9 months clean and I’ll never go back. I love my life and I made a huge mistake. I’m a great nurse, never had complaints. Everyone loves me there but if she reports me to the board what is going to happen? I can’t deny past drug use. I was off work at the time. Did the right thing. What the heck do I do now?!? Do I self report that I did have drug use 9 months ago, or admit to drug treatment 9 months ago.??? someone please help! I’ve never been so scared in my life!
At this point I’m not going to a hospital because I’m a mom, a single mom who has to be there for my kids and take care of everything. I don’t have family or anyone here to help me. What am I supposed to do with my kids? there isn’t a daycare open because of covid and they aren’t 24/7. I can’t just leave my responsibilities to go get anxiety meds for something that’s temporary and can resolve on it’s own with time off. Medication would make it better fast and put me back to work. Which is what my work wants. They want me back ASAP because I’m the only one without covid. But I need to deal with this because being stressed at work will make it worse.
Well, if you continue to decompensate as you are doing now you may not have a choice about being hospitalized and I cannot imagine how traumatic that would be for your kids. Screaming at a physician is not a sign of someone who is dealing with a situation but I'm not sure at this point you can grasp that. I've tried to help. You aren't having any of it. There is nothing more I can do. Good luck to you.
Her chief complaint was me not telling the board I had an issue with drugs and didn’t report that to the state. I wasn’t even working at this time and handled it immediately! I’ve never had an issue with drugs prior and I won’t ever again. And me losing my career isn’t an option either. I have kids to support and I’m amazing at what I do. Me having one lapse in mental health seeking help and going to rehab shouldn’t take away my career. Yes I lied on my renewal but who hasn’t? Alcohol? Marijuana use? I know nurses who steal narcotics from work and still get to work (one nurse 3x before revoked) most nurses are addicts period! I just chose to do mine on my leave of absence and seek treatment in private because It was temporary. And I know a lot of nurses who are on suboxone and methadone daily.
Specializes in Pediatrics, Pediatric Float, PICU, NICU.
1 minute ago, Maryslamb77 said:
Her chief complaint was me not telling the board I had an issue with drugs and didn’t report that to the state. I wasn’t even working at this time and handled it immediately! I’ve never had an issue with drugs prior and I won’t ever again. And me losing my career isn’t an option either. I have kids to support and I’m amazing at what I do. Me having one lapse in mental health seeking help and going to rehab shouldn’t take away my career. Yes I lied on my renewal but who hasn’t? Alcohol? Marijuana use? I know nurses who steal narcotics from work and still get to work (one nurse 3x before revoked) most nurses are addicts period! I just chose to do mine on my leave of absence and seek treatment in private because It was temporary. And I know a lot of nurses who are on suboxone and methadone daily.
Yea, no. There is a large leap from alcohol/marijuana (both of which are legal on a state level in many places) to IV narcotic use. And no, most nurses are not addicts. But it is okay for the ones that are. Nobody has said anything about your drug use/relapse in judgement. It is your lying, current mental state, inability to be reasonable, inability to take accountability that is concerning right now. Not the drug use itself.
I’m completely aware of my actions and what I’ve done. I just thought that me handling this while on leave would have been acceptable. And home coming to her in a full blown panic attack at my worse what did you think was going to happen when she said that? She made my panic worse. She should have helped me with adding Zoloft or buspar right then and there not tell me she’s taking away my career and kids and everything else I’ve worked so hard to accomplish.
Was I supposed to go to the board admit I used drugs and need treatment? They would have taken Away my license for that. So I dealt with it in private just how I’m trying to deal with my anxiety.
She should have helped me with adding Zoloft or buspar right then and there
After you called her a "***", alluded to suicide and practically threatened her? Really? What did you expect? You're lucky she didn't pink-slip you right then and there. I feel bad for you, I really do but right now your illness is controlling you rather than you controlling it.
10 minutes ago, Maryslamb77 said:
Was I supposed to go to the board admit I used drugs and need treatment? They would have taken Away my license for that.
No, that likely would not have happened. It's true you would have been put into monitoring which is its own special sort of hell but you could have made it through like so many others here have.
I messed up so bad trying to handle that privately and then just trying to get medication right now for mental illnesses is hard because of covid and insurance changes. I’m going to call the board and am already waiting for a lawyer to call back. I’m still trying to get In to a physiatrist I have an appointment for tomorrow and also being tested for covid now because I’m the only nurse besides administrative personnel who have no symptoms but have had possible exposure
I messed up so bad trying to handle that privately and then just trying to get medication right now for mental illnesses is hard because of covid and insurance changes. I’m going to call the board and am already waiting for a lawyer to call back. I’m still trying to get In to a physiatrist I have an appointment for tomorrow and also being tested for covid now because I’m the only nurse besides administrative personnel who have no symptoms but have had possible exposure
Okay, now you are sounding bit more reasonable. I would not call the board, let your attorney guide you on what to do next. I'm glad you have an appointment. Might I suggest you refrain from name-calling at the appointment? ?
Well I’m sure this one won’t do what she did. She understands my situation with trying to deal with this the best way I can given my situation with kids and not being able to go into a hospital at this time. Plus I need someone to talk to about all my stress right now
Specializes in Pediatrics, Pediatric Float, PICU, NICU.
19 minutes ago, Maryslamb77 said:
Well I’m sure this one won’t do what she did. She understands my situation with trying to deal with this the best way I can given my situation with kids and not being able to go into a hospital at this time. Plus I need someone to talk to about all my stress right now
I agree with Wuzzie. Are you prepared to handle if this psychiatrist also doesn't want to give you meds?
Well if I can’t get medication for my panic attacks and anxiety I will have no choice but to find a neighbor or someone to take my kids. I don’t know? Call CPS and ask them for help. I really don’t care at this point. My BP is too high because of my anxiety. So I need to fix all that to go back to work and deal with my issues and take care of everything.
Wuzzie
5,238 Posts
Well, if you continue to decompensate as you are doing now you may not have a choice about being hospitalized and I cannot imagine how traumatic that would be for your kids. Screaming at a physician is not a sign of someone who is dealing with a situation but I'm not sure at this point you can grasp that. I've tried to help. You aren't having any of it. There is nothing more I can do. Good luck to you.