Graduating soon, did nursing kill my relationship?

[TraumaICUqueen]

Hi guys.

First of all, I have to say how proud I am of being where I am. I am on my last semester of my BSN and regarding my carrer, I am as happy as anyone about to graduate can be. My background before all started: I have a previous degree in culinary arts but was never truly satisfied. I decided to pursue what me at 10 dreamed, be a nurse. I met my boyfriend when I was 26, by then I was already enrolled in classes to get my prerequisites. I got pregnant that same year but managed to work full time and take 4 classes each semester and summer. I never stopped working towards my nursing carrer, but took a break during the first year of my baby's life. I got into pre-nursing and then nursing on the first try, balancing motherhood, house chores and work, always trying to give enough time for my boyfriend. Now, at the end of this journey, my relationship is so strained that I feel we won't make it to pinning ceremony. Was it me, him, school, stress? Have you guys been through something like this? If so, what happens after?

[SaltySarcasticSally, LPN, RN]

My husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 21. We married when I was 21 when our baby was 9 months old, now we are 29 and 31. Being in a relationship young is SO hard. Because you change dramatically in your 20's. I went from a care free 19 year old to 29, just passed my RN boards, and now we have 3 dang kids. I worked FT the first 2.5 years and my husband was their main caregiver, after I gave birth to our third in the middle of my pre-reqs, I went PRN at work because it became just crazy to keep up with things.

He was very supportive of my journey to be an RN. I don't say that to like look like I have this perfect marriage, because trust me we don't, but he was supportive and it STILL took a toll on us. After all my kids, keeping up with the house, bills, and nursing school, I didn't have much left in me at the end of the day for 4 years for him. He had to take a back seat for 4 years. Now that I am done with this crazy nursing school ride, I have begun to think about how hard that must have been and he truly dealt with it beautifully. But it placed a distance between us and not to mention that I have been stressed and exhausted for 4 years.

You need to talk it out. That's what we did during school and what we are doing now. I can say the one thing that has saved our marriage, when I have seen so many couples that met at the same age and not make it, has been complete 100% honesty on both sides. We say how we truly feel, mostly in the nicest way possible, but it releases a lot and sets the ground for compromise and forgiveness.

As far as helping out at home, I had the same battle with my husband. Once I relayed to him that when he helps me out at home, that to me says love. And when I feel loved, I am going to have the time and energy to give love back to him. That has helped a lot because he honestly didn't understand or get what the big deal is about emptying the dishwasher before I get home.

Nursing school is such a strange experience, your in a bubble, and then your done and realize the world kept turning while you were gone. I honestly have had bit of a time with learning to readjust to a life where I am not always pressed for time. I literally do not know what to do with all of my free time now because JUST having a job and nothing else feels strange. My husband and I did not go on enough dates during nursing school, we forgot to pay attention to the most important thing, US. This happens to every couple at some point in time and I am sure its happened somewhat in your relationship. We are starting to reconnect by going on regularly scheduled dates, maybe something you two could try?

But forgiveness and compromise isn't a one way street, if he can't let go of whatever grudge he is holding about you going to nursing school, you will have to re-evaluate what kind of relationship you want to spend your time in.

Good luck and congrats, I hope everything works out.

[FolksBtrippin, BSN, RN]

The last semester of nursing school my husband and I fought a lot. Some of the worst fights we've ever had and we've had some doozies!

I felt unsupported. He felt used.

We got over it.

If you have a child with someone, I think your relationship goes in the same category as marriage and I think marriage is a roller coaster. When you are with someone for many years, you have years of closeness, years of distance, years of conflict, years of peace, etc.

It sounds like you've worked very hard on making good decisions for your family. But these things are very stressful for your partner because he has to adjust to a lot of changes. So give him time and give yourself time and don't demand too much of your relationship right now. Once you settle into a routine and start getting a paycheck you may find that things settle down.

[Workitinurfava, BSN, RN]

Working as a nurse can put a strain on any relationship but cause it to end, no. I know way too many used to be married nurses and now divorced for this not to be true. Nurses are caretakers at work and at home, yes being a nurse can cause stress to any relationship. At the same time, whoever you are with has to understand this and work harder to not let the job get in the way.

[Scottishtape]

I agree with ththe counseling. There is no shame in it. Heck, my husband and I started counseling recently so we could work on communication and dea with the tensions we were under while I was in the bridge program.

Good luck!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

: What are the specific issues that have stained you two? For example, child care, time together (or lack thereof), finances, communication, life values and goals, etc. Are those problems fixable, and if so, how? Do you WANT to fix them together?

.

My frustration lies in him being unwilling to help out at home. His frustration is that I rushed into nursing school too soon. He would have rather have me working for 5 years, save money and then, when our soon was older, start school again. Now, I managed to get a scholarship that paid for books, a small percentage of tuition but most importantly: full day care costs. My loans after graduation will be of 6,000, which I figure is not too much. I managed to get into an intership with job placement after passing the NCLEX. I worked during prenursing, 5th semester and quit mid 6th semester to pay in full. I quit to spend more time with my son and him. Are these problems fixable to me? Yes. To him? Apparently rushing to finishing nursing school is something he cannot let go.

Thank you for your response

A man who is unwilling to help out at home won't be a good partner in the long run. A man who cannot let go of resentment over "rushing" to finish nursing school -- or any other topic -- is not going to be a good life partner. A man who is unwilling to attempt to work things out isn't going to be a good life partner. I'm sorry -- it sucks to end a relationship. But nursing school isn't the reason. The reason is that he wasn't willing to be a good partner.

[SmilingBluEyes]

My husband was active military and away for part of my nursing schooling and my son was 2-4 years old. It was hard, (beyond hard, actually) but you know what? We made it fine.Tough times never last; tough people DO. (credit to Rev. Robert Schuller). Our marriage thrived because we continually stayed in touch and worked on it. (and this was before cell phones, Skype or facetime). I suggest counseling, but will caution if one party is not willing to pull is his or her weight, there is little chance of the relationship lasting.

Counseling is a must if you want to keep this relationship going; try to get it ironed out---- but be prepared to do what you have to if you can't come to some sort of workable arrangement where responsibilities and work are shared fairly. That is what relationships that last are: PARTNERSHIPS. A stable, strong and loving relationship can and should survive MUCH more than this, believe me; mine sure has.

[TraumaICUqueen]

Nursing school did not kill my relationship, it's over for different reasons, Now that we had the talk, I understand that his frustration wasn't because of me but because of himself. There was not much I could have done

Thanks for all the advice!

[bluescrubs, ADN, ASN, RN]

My husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 21. We married when I was 21 when our baby was 9 months old, now we are 29 and 31. Being in a relationship young is SO hard. Because you change dramatically in your 20's. I went from a care free 19 year old to 29, just passed my RN boards, and now we have 3 dang kids. I worked FT the first 2.5 years and my husband was their main caregiver, after I gave birth to our third in the middle of my pre-reqs, I went PRN at work because it became just crazy to keep up with things.

He was very supportive of my journey to be an RN. I don't say that to like look like I have this perfect marriage, because trust me we don't, but he was supportive and it STILL took a toll on us. After all my kids, keeping up with the house, bills, and nursing school, I didn't have much left in me at the end of the day for 4 years for him. He had to take a back seat for 4 years. Now that I am done with this crazy nursing school ride, I have begun to think about how hard that must have been and he truly dealt with it beautifully. But it placed a distance between us and not to mention that I have been stressed and exhausted for 4 years.

You need to talk it out. That's what we did during school and what we are doing now. I can say the one thing that has saved our marriage, when I have seen so many couples that met at the same age and not make it, has been complete 100% honesty on both sides. We say how we truly feel, mostly in the nicest way possible, but it releases a lot and sets the ground for compromise and forgiveness.

As far as helping out at home, I had the same battle with my husband. Once I relayed to him that when he helps me out at home, that to me says love. And when I feel loved, I am going to have the time and energy to give love back to him. That has helped a lot because he honestly didn't understand or get what the big deal is about emptying the dishwasher before I get home.

Nursing school is such a strange experience, your in a bubble, and then your done and realize the world kept turning while you were gone. I honestly have had bit of a time with learning to readjust to a life where I am not always pressed for time. I literally do not know what to do with all of my free time now because JUST having a job and nothing else feels strange. My husband and I did not go on enough dates during nursing school, we forgot to pay attention to the most important thing, US. This happens to every couple at some point in time and I am sure its happened somewhat in your relationship. We are starting to reconnect by going on regularly scheduled dates, maybe something you two could try?

But forgiveness and compromise isn't a one way street, if he can't let go of whatever grudge he is holding about you going to nursing school, you will have to re-evaluate what kind of relationship you want to spend your time in.

Good luck and congrats, I hope everything works out.

Wow, you truly are amazing. Im having a hard time jugging work and school and you have a whole family to take care of on top of that. You had a great support system which is key. My boyfriend and mom want me to finish nursing school and become the best nurse I can be so that does motivate me to make them proud. It sucks that your boyfriend isn't as supportive but just remind him that you are almost done. I would sit him down somewhere nice and have a heart to heart with him and see if you guys are on the same page. Sometimes guys mentally check out of a relationship and they're just there physically. when I first started my boyfriend did voice his opinion that he felt that I had no time for him so I know how you feel. If he can not support you for wanted to better yourself you will have to decide. A lot of people say they will save up and go back in 5 years and never do. The best time to make a change is now! I cant afford school myself but I make it work because I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to be on here asking " I'm 45, am I too old to be a nurse?" Best to do it now while I am still in my 20's.