GLBT Nurses

Blee O'Myacin, BSN, RN · Jun 25, 2006

I'm sure you've been hurt by people who judge your sexual and emotional preferences and that just stinks. Not being gay, it is really easy for me to say that if you are just you, then people with either like you or not. Where I work, there are a few out people (male and female) and I'm sure that there are some who aren't out - 10%, right? But the "out" people don't seem to have a hard time from other coworkers.

As far as patients go, a simple "I'm not married" or "I'm married, her name is Sally." if you feel comfortable sharing such details. There are some patients that I talk to about my children, and there are others who I'd prefer that they didn't know my last name let alone that I have vulnerable children at home - so I imagine that its a similar feeling!

Good luck and congrats in advance on your graduation!

Blee

Hey everyone---I'm a lesbian nurse in the Northwest, still a student but about to graduate. I'd love to hear from other queer nurses about whether you come out to your patients (if they ask if you're married and you have a partner, for example) or how you decide/deal with that. If another staff member asks, I tell them that I have a partner, but I'm not sure what to do with patients. Advice? No homophobic remarks please. TB

JEEMA · Jun 25, 2006

I have faced similar situation. I am not out, to my friends/parents. My colleagues/friends tries hooking me up with somebody and they are bewildered as to why i dont seem to interested, till they got tired of it.

Most of my patients asks me why dont i wear a ring on my finger, i just tell them i'm not married. Some will tell me I'm smart. Little did they know;)

Im afraid if my friends/colleagues know, they may avoid me, or i will be given all male patients.

Selke · Jun 25, 2006

First, congratulations on finishing nursing school! Best of luck to you in your new profession.

What to reveal about oneself to coworkers is a bear of a question, but important to address early on. I've observed over the years that what you can share will depend greatly on the nursing culture in the particular unit, and the kinds of socio-cultural and political mores are prevalent in that community. I keep sexual orientation to myself at work and with coworkers, much as I don't share other information about my personal life with them. I learned this the hard way just out of nursing school. Nurses and staff will talk about themselves and will ask questions; I found it safer to have vague and pat replies, such as your "I'm single" and leave it at that to the dating question. When you talk about yourself, share information that is neutral; for example, if you have a dog, share dog stories with the other dog lovers on the unit. Or talk about your kids, if you have them. Most nurses have dogs or kids. Better yet, ask THEM questions about themselves and get them to talk. They'll forget to ask you questions. There is an art to this. As a general rule, your coworkers are not your best buddies, so keep what you reveal superficial and neutral, at least at first. You may make some great friends at work, after the fact. Nurses can be horrible gossips and if they don't like something about you personally they will make your life hell until you quit or get fired. Homophobic patients might complain about you to management if you come out to them; you don't need this on your record. Not all states have antidiscrimination laws for sexual orientation on the books so you'll have no legal recourse.

There are types of nursing where I think there are more LGBT folks working, for example, HIV/AIDs care. I think it's safer to start out your career focussed on perfecting your nursing skills and try to avoid getting into discussions about oneself, while one susses out the culture in the particular unit.

fergus51 · Jun 25, 2006

I work in So. California and have several colleagues who are completely out or partially out. The ones who are completely out just treat it as no big deal. They'll talk about their relationships just like the straight nurses. I've never seen a problem relating to it. One hospital is even sort of known in the community as having a lot of lesbian nurses.

ONSnrs · Jun 25, 2006

tuckerbug

This has been the question that has haunted the glbt community since the beginning of time. out vs not out. I agree with some of the other posters that you have to know the particular climate of your co-workers or patients on the subject. come out to one and they definately all know. coming out is not for everyone. You will have to have a degree of bravery because no matter what the climate there is always at least one in the crowd that is a homophobe.

I myself hold dear the don't ask don't tell policy, that way i don't bring up the subject unless they right out ask me "Are you married?" and my answer is, "Sadly, no it is illegal for me to get married." Then they get it. They also see that it is a sensitive subject for me so they usually change the subject. If they come back at some other time wanting to investigate my personal life further, then i know that they are cool with it.

Fortunately for you today, many brave popular figures have come out of the closet. People whom everyone looks up to and admires. Everyone knows that there were thousands of past heroes and heroines whom the time was not right in society to come out. It is ashame that society will never truly know for sure who they were. There has been much writing and speculation that Florence Nightengale was a lesbian, she wrote many letters that were saved for prosperity, and many of these letters were to one particular woman, and a few of her passages were intimate. I have always wondered what if she was and it was found out now? Would it make her any less a heroine to the medical community?

warmly

sister/nurse

oncnrs914

JohnBearPA · Jun 25, 2006

I'm a gay man, non-closeted, and work for an agency as an LPN. I'm out, but not blatantly out, if you know what I mean. I have several gay pride, bear pride, and leather pride stickers on my truck, along with a sticker that just says "LPN" that a dear friend gave me. If a co-worker asks what they mean, I tell them, otherwise I wear a wedding band, and am just accepted as being "married". I'm fortunate tho, I guess, as I "pass" as straight. I don't share my personal life with pt's tho. Just my preference, because I feel I'm there to work and take care of their needs, not discuss my social life. I've been asked by several pt's about my "wife", and just respond that i'm happily partnered to someone I care very deeply about, and am very happy.

A side note tho. The ring seems to deflect advances from female CNA's, and other single female nurses. When I don't wear it, I have been hit on by both. Not to mention a few male nurses, lol. I will share information about my partner after I've been to a facility several times and feel comfortable. Funny thing is, my partner, who is a CNA also working agency, has been assigned under me at several facilities, and usually no one else on staff has a clue. I just treat him just like any other CNA working with me, and they're usually surprised to see him getting into my truck at the end of the shift.

I say do whatever you feel comfortable with, and live your life as YOU see fit!

banditrn · Jun 25, 2006

I don't think it should be anyone's business, anymore than it is for me to tell people about my husband and children.

I would think that telling them you're married or unmarried is sufficient. If you want to go further into it, fine, but you surely don't owe anyone an explanation. And that should include your co-workers.

JTwin · Jun 26, 2006

I'm still in pre-nursing but I'm transgender (FTM) and no one knows I wasn't born with what it looks like I was born with. I'm not out, but I won't lie if someone asks.

I had top surgery 2 years ago w/a surgeon who does mostly trans surgeries. Last month, I had a hyst. One of the nurses came by to talk that night and told me she was a lesbian (but no one she worked with knew that) and that she had some transgender friends. We talked for a while, she told me how things were different when she lived in California. When I'm a nurse, it's information I'm going to keep to myself, but if it's relevant to a particular case, I might share it with a patient to make them feel more comfortable or be able to relate.

By the time I graduate, my fiance will be my wife... no awkward questions there.

ONSnrs · Jun 26, 2006

jtwin

you rock. looks like you got around the legal marriage issue with surgery. that is soooo awesome now you can have the same rights as all who are legally married: you can insure your wife, joint taxes, right to adopt in all states including "old backwards florida," where i live. civil rights that the moral majority feels are their God granted right and no one elses.

all people should have civil rights whether gay or straight or transexual, bottom line.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Jun 26, 2006

I'm completely totally waaaaaaaaaay out of the closet at work. "Sexual orientation" is written into their personnel policy along with age, race, gender, etc. I'm sure behind my back things are said, but words can't hurt me. I've never really had a problem. I would not work in an environment where I couldn't be myself, I'm too out and too old not to. I realize it's not like this in all parts of the country and I'm fortunate. My spouse used to work as a super there for a couple of years and not a day goes by when someone doesn't ask me about him. We were the role model gay couple.

In all my adult years, I've found nurses to be the least homophobic nonjudgemental people to work with.

Anyway, that's not what you're asking. As important as I think it is to end stereotypes and discrimination by being out of the closet, I don't come out to patients in 99% of the instances, because the focus should be on the patient and their care, not me and my lifestyle.

I've worn a wedding ring for the last 8 years and many patients presume I'm heterosexual and during casual conversation might ask about my wife and I answer the question. Usually they are asking if I have any kids or grandkids or "are you married?". I use the neutral "spouse" or "significant other" not "wife" and continue on with the conversation. I like to have a good rapport with my patients, and this includes talking about things other than business, but I like to keep the focus on them.

Over 30 years ago I promised myself never to deny my homosexuality when asked. I can honestly say I've lived up to that. Usually if someone is asking, they've already guessed, and will be receptive to an affirmative answer. In a few cases this asker has been a patient and we've had some interesting conversations.

I've had a few ackward moments. Just yesterday while I was outside a room charting, about to go in and the patients were talking about movies, and "Brokeback Mountain" and they were agreeing it was "messed up that a Western movie should be about gays" (thank God they used the "gay") and then I just walked in the room, and continued about my business. The guys were extremely cool with me and we had been having a good day. While I was in a room the other day another couple of guys started talking about "is the new Superman gay". I didn't join in their laughter and kept it busienss like. I did say "Superman isn't gay! He loves Lois Lane". I had to set aside any personal issues I had with their homophobia and take care of business. I'm real good at that. I've had about 30 years of practice.

Never, not one time, has any patient had an issue with my sexual preference to the point they've been derogatory and didn't want me as a nurse. I presume that's because I'm extremely professional and good at what I do, and that's what's most important to patients and their families.

Good luck to you.

JTwin · Jun 26, 2006

all people should have civil rights whether gay or straight or transexual, bottom line.

:yeahthat:

Where in Florida? I'm in Tampa.