Getting Divorced During Nursing School

Megsd, BSN, RN · May 28, 2007

Speaking as someone whose parents waited a loooong time to divorce, let me say that from my experience there is never a good time to get divorced, but sometimes staying in a bad marriage and prolonging that divorce isn't a good idea either.If things are as bad as you say, just think how much more of a distraction and hardship staying in your marriage throughout nursing school might be. At least this way you can set the legal process in motion and hopefully have things resolved before your program gets too intense.

Good luck with the whole ordeal.

newtress, LPN · May 28, 2007

My heart goes out to you NBMom. Although I am not currently married to but living with the same man I've been with for over 10 years, he has pulled the carpet of my world out from under me numerous times. And it has been worse since I have been in the LPN program. One day he is talking about retiring in Michigan where he's from, and the next day he tells me to get the **** out and go back to California. The evening before I recieved my letter of acceptance to the nursing program I had to have him arrested and jailed for assault and battery. And then there's the cheating. And being screamed at as I leave the house at 5:30 a.m. to go to my clinical site. And then try to buck up and go on with classes that completely engulf you and require 100% dedication and defy your energy supply to not allow them to win. If I do this, this will happen, if I don't do this, this will happen. If I leave, I will also be leaving my only chance to finish a nursing program. And to stay, I will be trying to finish nursing under abuse and a totalitarian control/punishment environment. What I am trying to offer here is that in a way, being in school your mind is now "owned" by the program. This is more important than they (control freaking men) are and always will be. I live with this motto each and every single day to get me through to the next exam, the next lecture, the next 20 chapters. You will see, the more important becoming a nurse is, the more they look like pathetic idiots. I got a laugh reading about mine on page 57-58, Psychiatric Nursing. Join me in forging ahead and rising above them. Empowering our minds is our greatest victory.

Mudwoman · May 28, 2007

Yeap. Mine pulled the divorce trump card and told me that we could forget the whole thing and live happily ever after if I would just give up this insane idea of being a nurse. I simply told him I wasn't giving it up. We had a 5 yr old.

I moved into one of the other bedrooms and put a lock on the door. That bought some time. He finally had me moved out and I found a cheap apt a few blocks away and in the same school district.

Since I was having to move out and in school and no way to get a job too, I requested child support and initial temporary support. It was in no way enough and so I made up the difference on credit cards and being extremely frugal. I lived with fans and the A/C on 82 in the apt in the summer and with the heat on 65 in the winter. I lived on PB&J sandwiches and beans/cornbread and oatmeal to keep my food budget less than $60 a month.

I drug the divorce out (to my benefit) and it wasn't final until I graduated. I would have gladly had it over sooner, but financially it was what I needed to do. In most all states, you don't go before the judge until you are both in agreement. Don't be so fast to agree. In fact think about things very carefully. Think about what if he doesn't hold up his end of the agreement. How will that effect you?

I graduated owing several thousands of dollars (ok, lots and lots)on a credit card, but it was all worth it. I later met and married the most wonderful man in the world. We have now been married for 13 years and he is the love of my life.

As far as focus........this was my dream. I wasn't about to let anyone take that away from me.

judyblueeyes · May 29, 2007

I'm not divorced (and was single during NS) but I recall being surprised at how many women in NS were iether getting divorced or planning to do so.

You can do it and you will be glad you did.

I, too, wanted to restate that your future ex is not the one who decides how much child support he pays. In my state it is 25% for the first child and 5% for each additional child.

Ruby Vee, BSN · May 29, 2007

i don't suppose you guys can reconcile, can you? or at least postpone this action, take some cooling off time and try to make your marriage come alive again?

if the marriage is over, it's over. reconciling for nursing school is almost as idiotic as reconciling "for the sake of the children." i know this isn't going to be easy for you, but if he's verbally abusive it's not that far to fall to physical abuse. and you certainly don't want to stay married to a cheater -- it's just not worth it!

i got divorced during graduate school. it was tough, but it was long overdue and one of the best things i could have done for me. (he was abusive -- long story.) i had no money saved, and left with nothing but the clothes on my back and my dog, but i made it through school and was stronger than ever. it wasn't until six months or so after the divorce when i realized that for the first time in years, i felt safe in my own home. granted, it wasn't the three bedroom home i had when i was married, but it was home.

hold out for the child support and spousal support you deserve. none of this is going to be easy, but you'll be happier in the long run. good luck!

Fiesta Red · May 29, 2007

This seems like a rite of passage for nursing students. Half of my class got divorced or separated during nursing school, and the other half planned on getting a divorce as soon as they graduated. Nursing school is like any other professional schooling, med school, law school, etc. -- many relationships don't survive. My advice would be to drink heavily.

-Mark

BerryHappy · May 29, 2007

I've been divorced for 2+ yrs now and I think everyone going through a divorce should get a big gold star. It is sooooo difficult. More difficult than you can imagine right now. I too wanted the divorce and thought thinking/knowing that would make it easier. It doesn't. Just be ready for total meltdown moments, but having a plan (nursing) will help so much. Everything is going to be REALLY HARD for the next few years, but keep your eye on the prize. With him being gone for so long (trucker) your daily routines won't feel much different, but the long term dreams get trashed. That's the hard part. Anyhoo, do it, be strong and come to us when you need a hug and a kiss. We've been there, done that, will help you get through!

Online luv,

In nursing school, divorced mom of twin girls, with a jerk ex husband!

Berryhappy.

janis9799 · May 29, 2007

Has anyone else had the pleasure of going through a divorce during nursing school? I've been married 11+ years and have 2 children, and hubby decided he wanted a divorce just ONE WEEK :trout: before I got my acceptance letter to Nursing school (I start this Fall)...kind of took the excitement out of getting in! Things have been bad for a long time, so I said I wanted a divorce too which really caught him off guard!LOL Guess he shouldn't have always thrown out the threat of a divorce everytime he didn't get his way!
We seem to be in agreement about the big things like custody so that shouldn't be an issue. He's being an idiot about child support though, telling me I'll have to go out and get a job to make up the difference in $$ and skip Nursing school...I don't think so! Especially since I gave up school once already to be the sole caregiver when our youngest was born with cancer (in remission now for 5yr 11mos 8days :yelclap: ) Our final court hearing should be sometime during my first semester of the Nursing program, and I'm worried that the whole thing will distract me. Does anyone have any tips on staying focused on school while going through a divorce? Thanks!

I completely feel for you. Three years ago I got into a LPN program and a Physician's Assistant program. The LPN program was local and the P.A. program we would have had to move. I of course wanted to go for the P.A. program because I would make more money. My husband did not want to go and when I expressed how unfair this was since I had always followed him for his career, postponed school to raise our kids etc and I would never be able to forgive him if he made me lose this chance, he told me he wanted a divorce. Things had been bad between us for a very long time, so when he said it, I said OK. He spent the next year fighting me for custody and not giving me hardly any child support to sweat me so I would just agree to anything to get some money from him. I think he and his attorney thought let's sweat out the poor stupid CNA and she will agree to anything to not live on only $1200 a month of her own pay. I fought back hard, didn't sign anything and was really poor for a year, and it sucked. I was going to try to go to the LPN program but decided my boys needed me not to be studying, working, going crazy through a divorce and going to court all the time. They needed more of me, so I postponed school one year. Given the NC court system was hugely backed up I couldn't even get before a judge for a year, not even for temporary support. After a year, I was left with no choice but to pack up my kids, take them out of state to my mom's. My husband tried to say I was kidnapping them (but after all tries at seeing a judge and him not paying on his own) the judge didn't get mad at me. She was like what was I supposed to do if he wasn't going to help support my boys. Finally after 14 months I got my day in court, he did so badly on the stand I got joint custody, but was allowed to permanently live with my mother, and he got summer and holidays. I gave up the right to alimony and I agreed to less than the state recommended amount of child support to get the chance to live with mom and finish my education. In the end the fight for custody was only about money for him. So things are really tight, but with grants, loans, and financial aid, it isn't so bad. Because I had to go to court so much (8 times)and it was a nasty divorce (on his end) it was good I took the year off, my boys really needed me. I went back to school three weeks after my divorce and winning custody, finished my prereq's for the BSN program. Last year I was accepted into the University of Maryland School of Nursing, which ranks in the top seven nursing schools. I am proud of that because no matter what my husband did to stop me he couldn't. I have one year under my belt and one to go. I also have a great boyfriend who I am very happy with. So while the divorce year sucked, it was all worth it in the end because my life, even on its worst day is better than my best day with my ex-husband. If you think this will be a nasty divorce, be there for your children, ask the school if you can defer until the next year, nursing school is hard and while I am doing well I think with all of the emotions and lack of financial security, and court dates that could land on clinical days, it might be easier to wait, get through the divorce. It can be done if you have to do it. I would just think that you won't let him take your dream from you no matter what. I wish you much luck, I have been there, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Janis

P.S. My ex lost his job six months after our divorce, had to move away from family, has no friends, can't get past a first date with anyone, and is all alone and miserable. The ironic thing is after fighting so hard for custody, he doesn't even call them and my boys can see him for the not so great person he is without me ever saying a negative word. In the thick of it I would think what goes around comes around, and it has for him. I almost feel sorry for him.

ShayRN · May 29, 2007

I have never been through a divorce, but want to give you my support. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I told him I would stand by him through anything, but if he ever cheated on me, abused me, or abused my children (nonexsitant at the time, but none the less;) ) I would leave him in a heartbeat. That was his only warning. Since the time we got married we have been through many trials and financial struggles, but through it all we never, ever cheated or struck out physically in anger. THAT I would never tolerate, nor would he expect me to... I agree that your husband is afraid that you will find out you are an independant and intelligent woman who doesn't need him. Men like that need to feel control over the women in their lives and you being able to walk out at any time scares the beejeeves out of him. Hence, he feels like he is no longer the "man" of the house.

*****WARNING******BRAG ALERT****** :lol2:

I am so blessed. My husband was always so supportive of me going to school. When I want to switch jobs, he listens to all the pros and cons and then tells me to do whatever I want, I always have his support. PLUS, he cooks, cleans, does the laundry AND takes the kids to their various functions while I am at work. Do I need to say, I am holding on TIGHTLY with both hands? (Plus, he is a handsome devil too, ROFL)

NBMom1225 · May 29, 2007

You've all been so helpful...thanks for sharing your stories with me! I have my first Friend of the Court hearing next week, and of course hubby will be on the road and unable to attend. Since he doesn't want to pay for a lawyer to represent him, maybe I'll actually be able to get the $$ my lawyer thinks I'm entitled to!

TazziRN, RN · May 29, 2007

Make double sure that you get child support decreed by the courts, or he will play games with that.