Unsupportive fiance...not sure what to do

  1. Okay so I know this is a lot to read but I really am desperate and not sure what to do anymore...So my "fiance" and I have been together almost 4 years now. Fiance is in quotes because we have done absolutely nothing about planning a wedding let alone even discuss it. We both still live with our parents (we are both 24) and I just started an accelerated Bachelors in Nursing program. He gets upset when we don't spend a lot of time together (he was that way before I started Nursing School) and it doesn't help that we both work full time, opposite shifts. I feel like he's not supportive at all and it's almost like he wishes I wasn't in Nursing school. I know it's just going to get way more stressful and time consuming and really don't know what to do. I need time to study and even just some "me" time every once in a while. We have been together so long and I don't know what to do anymore....any advice?
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    About Ashley_Sam

    Joined: Oct '13; Posts: 1


  3. by   nikibaby
    Hmm. You just need to explain to him and show him your syllabus if possible. If he really loves you he will loosen up and let you breathe. Good luck dear.
    Last edit by Esme12 on Oct 14, '13 : Reason: TOS/english only pls/NO TEXT SPEAK
  4. by   mrsboots87
    Lay down the law. He doesnt control you and doesnt get to act that way and expect it to be OK. How long you have been together is irrelevant when it comes to him not wanting you to do this, or school taking too much time. You need to tell him to hop on board and wait it out while you finish school or break up and get rid of the stress. If he is truly worth it, and if he truly loves you, he will be more supportive. If he cant be supportive of your dream and your hard work, then he isnt worth your time. Maybe have a discussion with him about why he is so against you having school time. Is her overbearing or controlling? Is he jealous of your accomplishments? Is he doing anything with his life and career? DOes he just really miss you and is taking it out on you the wrong way? You need to know why he is so unsupportive if you expect to fix this.
  5. by   Guy in Babyland
    I think lot of this is a maturity issue. He is looking at the short term and not the long term. Your degree is setting up for your future together and requires some sacrifices, but he is too immature to accept that.

    This is my post from another thread bout the same situation. It applies to your situation.

    School is your number one priority. If he expects to be your number one priority, then there will continue to be a problem. If he is not saying "it sucks that we can't spend more time together, but I understand that you need to focus on school. If you need my help, let me know otherwise I will find something else to do while you study." then you need to take a break or go your separate ways. He needs to be your number one cheerleader and encouraging you to do your best and not put any relationship stress on you. On the other hand, you need to set aside "couple" time, even if it means an hour for dinner together or a couple hours to rent a movie (then back to the books) once or twice a week. Also involve him in your studying for tests (quizzing you or making of flashcards) and help writing or proofreading of papers. My girlfriend and I have dinner together on Wednesdays and then she goes home to let me do homework. Sundays it is out to eat or dinner at my house and rent a movie, then back to the books. She understands that it is temporary sacrifice for the good of our future. If I don't graduate, it destroys our game plan for our future, so she is doing everything possible to assist me with schoolwork and reduce my stress.
  6. by   Dranger
    Get a new fianc. Nursing is a long journey and if he can't even support you now it's not gonna change when you are married. Plenty of supportive guys out there and you need to think about your career first and foremost.

    We've been together so long is a terrible excuse to stay together, trust me I tried that line too and didn't help my sanity or the situation.

    Good luck
  7. by   Esme12
    Old habits die hard....if he can't be mature enough to let you grow...maybe it's time to move on.

    Loving someone means you allow them to become the best you you can be.
  8. by   krisiepoo
    He gets upset when you don't spend a lot of time together, what happens when you're working 12-hour shifts, opposite of his? What happens when you have kids and your attention is focused on them? What happens when...... the possibilities are endless.

    Not to minimize, but you guys are SO young. I dated a guy seriously ("fiance" in quotes there as well) for 4 years and during college we both realized we were different people at the end and separating was the best thing we ever did. Not saying thats the case here, but if you're advancing yourself and he's sitting in the same place, is this what you want forever?
  9. by   classicdame
    I wonder how supportive he will be in future endeavors
  10. by   SoldierNurse22
    I dated a guy like this twice. Both of them were exactly how you describe your current "fianc"--unsupportive, wanted me all to themselves to the point where they didn't like me to leave the house, and I no longer had any "me" time, much less time at all. I hadn't been with them as long, but I was close to getting engaged to one of them. I realized I didn't want to live the rest of my life with a partner whose only goal was to drag me down.

    Cue my current fianc, soon-to-be husband (less than 3 weeks!): when we met, he told me outright that if I wanted to make the military my career, he was in it for the long haul. He'd move with me, weather the challenges of Army life and do whatever he could to support the needs of my commitment to the country. While I eventually decided against a career in the service, his commitment to me has been and still is unwavering. I cannot imagine being with someone who doesn't give me that kind of support and respect--that's the outward expression of genuine love, after all.

    My advice? Cut this loser loose unless you want to spend the rest of your life feeling hampered and hemmed in by a man who's probably going nowhere. He wants you to go there with him. It's your choice--there are better men out there. I promise!
  11. by   LoriRNCM
    Lots of great advice here! Do not let a man hold you back for any reason! If he loved you (healthy love, not obsessive love or immature love) he would understand the time requirements of your education.
  12. by   Mrs.Angel
    Don't let him hold you back, and don't stress about it, you have enough to stress about in school already. I recently got married (I'm 22 going on 23), he's the same age, and we talked about the nursing process, you need to explain to him that this is temporary and an investment for your future; if he truly loves you he will understand and support you...My husband already agreed on doing all the housework/cooking and even helping me out with studying; you need someone that will support you in any way instead of making things worse...I would personally just tell him he has to deal with it or he can look for someone else..I know being with someone for so long is hard to let go of BUT you deserve to have someone more supportive...and maybe now is the best time for YOU time, plus you'll be so busy with Nursing school that you won't have time to grieve! best of luck! hope things work out for the best!
  13. by   picklemouse
    I agree with a lot of the previous posters. If he isn't supportive now, he likely never will be. Ladies tend to hope for the best and wait/hope for these types of guys to come around and a lot of times they don't. Appreciate what time you had together. Enjoy what you've learned about what qualities you do and do not want in a partner...and move on if he doesn't "get it". Nursing school is all-consuming and you don't need someone messing with your success.

    Good luck!
  14. by   meanmaryjean
    Start by being honest with yourself: If you don't have a ring and a date- he's a boyfriend, not a fiance'. Now, go back to your post and insert the word 'boyfriend' in each place where you refer to this person.

    Pretty sure he's not worth it as a boyfriend.