Selfish family?Student Mothers please read! - page 6

I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors... Read More

  1. by   RNinJune2007
    the OP already stated that the Third world stuff would be WAY down the road (I assume when all the children are out of the house), so she would not be leaving young children
  2. by   adnstudent2007
    Quote from HeartsOpenWide
    No, I understand that I DON'T understand. I want to bow down and say "aw sabadaba" to all the mothers going to school. How do you do it? But this is why I am asking. I am an only child, and although my mom has a teaching degree and went back to school to get her paralegal degree when I was about 12, and due to the fact I that DON'T have children I ask....(which is why I posted). I want to defend her because this is the happiest I have ever seen her since her son died of a horrible accident four years ago. I was there when they turned the machines off and I can not describe how I felt and I am sure if felt 1,000 times worse for her. She gets excited when I do have the chance to go by the house, she says stuff like "I got an A on that speech I gave that I was telling you about. She calls and tells me about her Psych teacher that I also had. She use to tell her friends that she was vicariously living out her dreams through me (because I plan on becoming a midwife, something that she use to always want to do) and now that she is working for something for herself (she wants to become an FNP) I can not help but want to support her because I know how hard it was for me to convince my husband to let me go back to school and we do not even have kids. Because I see her smiling again, because she always has "something" to tell me about school and I have something to share in return. Because I watched her cry in front of her family for lack of support saying that she would think that they would be happy that she is doing so well in school. Don't they notice that she is smiling? It makes me want to cry.
    I'm sorry. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I think it is wonderful that she has you to turn to and encourage her and she has been through a lot.

    My only real point though was (and still is) is that the practicalities of doing nursing school now may outway the benefits with an unsupportive family. While its wonderful that you are so supportive of her, when she is done with the pre-reqs (which is what I assume from the previous posts she is taking now) things will get much harder in terms of child care, finances, etc. (It costs me significantly more to put my daughter in day care than to go to through my nursing progam.) I am sorry to say this, but the women in my class (with children) who have a supportive family have tended do well, the women from unsupportive families have either dropped out or had their marriages completely fall apart. I'm sure it's not nursing school that makes it fall apart, but rather adding considerable additional stress to an already tenuous situation.
  3. by   ortess1971
    There is a woman who actually wrote a book on the "mommy wars" that is, how women can be very nasty and judgemental with each other when it comes to parenting. You know, "I'm a SAHM and SHE works-how horrible!". Or, "I breast fed for 2 years and she only did it for 3 months!". Everyone makes their own choices and I think it's good for kids to learn that they aren't the center of the universe. Sounds like the guys mentioned in the first post never learned that lesson!
  4. by   Fun2, RN, BSN
    If she wants to do it, then she needs to do it!

    As far as no support from the family???? .... All the more reason to do it, and do it good!

    Liberation happened a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time ago! Women CAN do what they want!
  5. by   sunnyjohn
    All three year olds should be feed, washed and in bed by 7:30pm. They need their rest.


    Kids have a nasty habit of growing up and leaving home. What is she gonna do then if she doesn't plan?

    I'd rather she go now when the twins are still young, flexible and more likely to forget her being away a bit more than when they are tweens or teens who should be watched like a hawk!

    Mother-in law should "go ahead on" and get her RN!
  6. by   GPatty
    Just my in this story.
    I have made it through a daughters graduation and leaving for the Army, births of 2 grandchildren (almost 3), Mom having cancer, and currently in hospital with ketoacidosis, moving Mom's things to my home, son with hernia surgery, daughter attempting suicide,kids on drugs and alcohol (older one), a tonsillectomy, son going haywire and running away, and me close to failing school and being diagnosed with depression and ADHD. That was just this PAST year!!!
    But I have made it to my senior year of my BSN, and will finish.

    I have also dealt with this kind of stress when I got my LPN. I did it, and she can too.
    I still have 3 children at home who are surviving pretty well.
    They all get lovin's and huggin's and all the right Mommy things they can handle. Maybe Mom forgets to sign a paper here or to help with a homework, but we have survived, and her children will too.
    I trust anyone that can raise that many children and still be sane. I only have 9 all together and some days wonder howI am still around!

    I say GO FOR IT!!!
  7. by   RNwntaB
    Wow! So many ways of looking at things!
    I can see all sides of this situation....
    I have a 6yr old & a 2 yr old, run an in-home daycare, have a husband who works crazy shifts & lots of hours.
    I decided to open my daycare when my oldest was 2. I decided to stay home, provide some "stability" to him since our schedules were so crazy.

    I can relate to the MIL in OP - I'm sure she does need to do something for herself...That many years of taking care of others (with-out a break) would be hard and trying at times (regardless of how much she loves her kids).
    I have decided to take one class at a time, on-line, & it works out great for us! I love having "something" to do...I've told my husband that with daycare and raising kids, there isn't always a "right" or a "wrong" answer...There's alot of "gray" areas....With my school-work - it's rewarding to get my grades and actually "see" the hard work paying off.
    My plan is to go into Nursing School when my 2 year old is either in Kindergarten or 1st Grade....My thinking is that I've waited this long to do really won't hurt to take my Pre-Reqs slowly, get the best gpa possible & help get my kids prepared for me to be gone some...

    Back to OP - My main thing I see is this: I think I understand that she homeschools...Will she be able to devote the quality time to her kid's schooling along with her schooling?
    I believe that there is no PERFECT or RIGHT answer! The MIL just needs to follow her heart & do what she feels is best for herself & her family! If she does continue on with school - she will still be there for her kids...maybe not 24/7, but she will still be involved! I feel that as MOTHER'S - we will question ourselves & have doubts over everything we do....Whether it is working and sending kids to daycare (do they call "x" mommy? would we be better off sacrificing and scrimping to make ends meet so I can be home with the kids?), not working & staying home with them (am I spending too much time with them? how will they do in school without Mommy?) , going to school when they are young (i don't want to miss out on them growing up...I want to see everything they they feel like Mommy is neglecting them?), going to school when they are older (will they ever forgive me for missing their sports games, recitals, field trips? would they be more open and talk more if i wasn't gone so much?)
    I'm sure the list can go on & on! Regardless of WHEN you go to school - there will be challenges! While going thru your classes you may wish you'd done it earlier in life, later in life....BUT WHEN IT IS DONE - IT IS DONE!! And more than likely you wouldn't have had it any other way - because you made it through!!

    It is not the responsibility of the Older kids to be the PARENT, but I don't believe it's tooo much to ask them to pitch in & help. This won't last forever...and when she gets her schooling completed, hopefully she can find a job where she can earn some $ and still be there with all her kiddo's still at home!

    I'm happy she's excited and doing well in her classes!
    To the Original Poster - you are being a great DIL & and even better friend to your MIL....I wish you all the best!
  8. by   SanskeetRN
    I too think she should go for it. I started school three yrs ago w/ a 13, 7, 5 and 1 year old and will graduate in May with my ADN. I had been a SAHM for almost 10 yrs and I understand the need to do something for yourself. It's hard to lose your identity and become known only as so-and so's wife or mother. I started slow w/ one class a semester (which sounds like your MIL is doing) and for the first time had time for my interests and achievements even if it was only 2 hrs a couple times a week. My children did not miss out on mommy time because it is the quality of the time together not the quantity that instills love and security in children.
    I too agree that there is nothing wrong with older children helping out with younger children. It teaches them reliability, accountability and how to be part of a team which are all life skills that seem to be lost in some children in this day and age. It can also increase bonding between now 16 and 3 yr old are very close. I know many people from large families (12,13 etc) and the as adults the children are all close and the older ones helped with the younger ones.
    I am rather shocked that not more people have voiced an alarm over the fact that the father seems to think his responsibility ends with the pay check and no has stated his selfishness and parental abuse and that it's ok for the kids to take care of the father by taking of his shoes, etc but not to help mom out with the younger kids. Interesting.
  9. by   Deliasgone
    Quote from sanskeet
    I am rather shocked that not more people have voiced an alarm over the fact that the father seems to think his responsibility ends with the pay check and no has stated his selfishness and parental abuse and that it's ok for the kids to take care of the father by taking of his shoes, etc but not to help mom out with the younger kids. Interesting.
    I've been concerned about the same thing. I mean, come on here, last I heard parenting was a two way responsibility. How come he isn't being blasted for shirking his parenting duties by getting out of the house and doing something for himself (working). This is something that my husband and I recently had a discussion about. He was of the opinion that since he was working then it wasn't the same as doing something to occupy your time out of the house. I had to explain to him that even though working may not be the most fun thing in the world at least he got out of the house and got to do something that had nothing to do with silly songs, poopy diapers, breastfeeding, etc. and also got to be around other adults! I told him I would gladly switch being as I only get to regularly leave the house 2 days/ week for a couple of hours for school. Period. The rest of my time is spent raising my two young (1 autistic) children. We're stranded at home (we only have 1 car) and I'm usually without any other adult interaction whatsoever. So please forgive me for wanting to do something for myself like go to school so that I may learn a trade and do something productive with my life because you know what...I may be a mom for the rest of my life but my kids will not always need me around...OR what if something (God forbid) were to happen to my husband? All I know how to do is wait tables and abstract titles. Neither of those jobs pay well.
    Sorry for the rant, but listening to these people criticizing this poor woman for wanting to stretch her legs a little have really been upsetting me. Although I'm not getting resistance from my husband (he's been great, he just doens't always get it) I can definately understand having dreams and wanting to follow them while having someone resist you every step of the way. I can also understand what it is like to live with a domineering alpha-male who wants to keep you barefoot, pregnant, and totally dependent of you...I mean, if all you know is how to be a mom how could you possibly break free? Especially if the kids are against you. My mom lived with that before wising up and leaving my best friend is going through something similar right now. It's awful.
    To the I said before give her all the support you can muster and encourage her to make friends with her classmates. And If I were you (this is based on a previous post of yours where you said your husband was giving you a hard time about going to school) I would sit down with you husband and go through both of your expectations of the marriage because if he expects you to be a baby factory and you want to be a working mom then it's better to hash all that out now before you have children because it just gets harder once you bring kids into the picture. I know that this is just my opinion but I'm speaking from experience. It's not fun to grow up in a household where there is resentment and anger.
  10. by   jov
    Quote from sanskeet
    I am rather shocked that not more people have voiced an alarm over the fact that the father seems to think his responsibility ends with the pay check
    I don't know how much your husband makes but frankly I'm pretty impressed with a guy who makes enough money to support 13 children and a wife that doesn't work.
  11. by   RNFA_2006
    I would too!
  12. by   Fun2, RN, BSN
    She probably needs to do this for her sanity!
  13. by   karensflowers

    I am a student nurse at the age of 53, and have four children ages 36,33,18, & 17.

    We put the first two through college. I then started taking my at a time when my last two were 2 and 3yrs old. I took my time. I worked full-time, raised the last two, and by the time my prerequisites were completed, I entered the nursing program when my last two were 16 and 17.

    This worked out pretty good; I will graduate when the last two are in college.

    The prerequisites are hard enough that she should think about taking one per semester.

    Just my two cents.