Selfish family?Student Mothers please read! - page 5

I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors... Read More

  1. by   firstyearstudent
    Why WOULDN'T someone want to help people in third world countries? They really, really, really need help!
  2. by   Jolie
    Quote from firstyearstudent
    Why WOULDN'T someone want to help people in third world countries? They really, really, really need help!
    OK, so why aren't you there?

    Of course there is a great need for humanitarian aid in third world countries, but many people believe that their primary responsibility is to the children they have brought into the world themselves. I greatly admire 2 friends who served as missionaries in Africa. They did so in their early 20's, before having any family responsibilities of their own. I also know of several "empty nesters" who have found similar fulfillment in missionary work now that their own children are independent. But when one is responsible for the upbringing of very young dependent children it may be prudent to find safer ways to serve humanity.

    One of the missionaries I mentioned above died at the age of 20 in Nigeria, of kidney failure secondary to malaria. Thankfully, she did not leave any young children behind.
  3. by   eaglewmn
    I have to say that I am a little shocked at some of the negative comments on this subject. Nursing is all about not passing judgement and yet many posters have done just that, from the number of children this woman has to her dream of working in a third world country.
    As far as going back to school with children, when I decided to apply to nursing school, I had two children of my own who were 12 and 9 at the time. I was also in the process of applying for permanent custody of my twin 4 year old nieces. I was granted custody six weeks before I started nursing school. Many people thought that I was crazy, selfish and should wait to go back to school since I would now be raising four children instead of two. I decided to follow my dream and finish school. It was the best decision I could have made, not only for me but for all four kids. It was not easy, there were compromises that had to be made. My children learned that the things that you want the most in life have to be worked for; no one is going to hand you your dreams, you have to make them happen.
    OP: I wish your MIL all the best and may her dream of nursing school become her reality. Keep the faith, it will be worth the struggle!
  4. by   firstyearstudent
    I don't think anyone would argue that a mother should abandon her children to be a nurse in a third world country. However, it's not an either/or proposition. There are plenty of opportunities to make limited committments (2 weeks ) when the youngest children are ready for a separation of that length (perhaps 7 years old). And there are plenty of third world countries where one can volunteer and visit and not be endangering oneself significantly.
  5. by   jov
    Quote from RNinJune2007
    When I have children...

    going to nursing school with little kids still at home is easy
    going to nursing school with little kids still at home and NO REGRETS is the tricky part

    LOL seeing ALOT of postings from under 25 year olds about parenting advice

    reminds me of when I was that age...
  6. by   HeartsOpenWide
    Quote from adnstudent2007
    I noticed you said that you weren't around her house much recently because you are in nursing school. It also sounds like you don't currently have children. Try imaging doing all that you do and then add as many children as she has living at home. I've done school both without and with my daughter and it is entirely different.
    No, I understand that I DON'T understand. I want to bow down and say "aw sabadaba" to all the mothers going to school. How do you do it? But this is why I am asking. I am an only child, and although my mom has a teaching degree and went back to school to get her paralegal degree when I was about 12, and due to the fact I that DON'T have children I ask....(which is why I posted). I want to defend her because this is the happiest I have ever seen her since her son died of a horrible accident four years ago. I was there when they turned the machines off and I can not describe how I felt and I am sure if felt 1,000 times worse for her. She gets excited when I do have the chance to go by the house, she says stuff like "I got an A on that speech I gave that I was telling you about. She calls and tells me about her Psych teacher that I also had. She use to tell her friends that she was vicariously living out her dreams through me (because I plan on becoming a midwife, something that she use to always want to do) and now that she is working for something for herself (she wants to become an FNP) I can not help but want to support her because I know how hard it was for me to convince my husband to let me go back to school and we do not even have kids. Because I see her smiling again, because she always has "something" to tell me about school and I have something to share in return. Because I watched her cry in front of her family for lack of support saying that she would think that they would be happy that she is doing so well in school. Don't they notice that she is smiling? It makes me want to cry.
    Last edit by HeartsOpenWide on Nov 20, '06
  7. by   wannabemw
    Yes Virginia, there is much Honor in Raising your own family!

    -This has got to be the biggest Hatfields & McCoys feud I have read on this board!!!

    I can see both sides of this. Maybe it might help if I told you my experience.

    I went back to school when our youngest was 8yrs.

    I realized my dream of one day becoming a CNM when I gave birth to baby #2 (I was 20, married at 18). I waited 13 years to go. Because my job (that I willing chose) was being mom.

    FF: I finished 3m ago w/my BSN. What do I have now? A 15y/o daughter who is bulimic & a marriage that is shakey (at best).

    Through my 8yrs to fulfill my "dream" I dealt with:
    -DH having an MI at 39 (& 3-5 other surgeries), {I personally had 3 surgeries}

    -Our DD went from a moderate to severe asthma (now well-controlled with 2yrs of allergy shots & 3 meds).

    -Our 2nd son (#2 child) nearly didn't get his HS diploma (took him 2.5 extra yrs), hung out w/the wrong people & spent 10days in jail & 4m on house arrest (for being in the back seat of a car of someone that decided to stupidly shoot a bicyclist with a paintball gun). Got mono 5yrs ago & ended up with it for 9-18m (EB virus hung out) and chronic fatigue b/c of it.

    - Lastly our oldest became severely depressed & nearly attempted suicide.

    This is only a fraction of what I have dealt with. Granted, some of it wasn't my fault. But, a lot of it could have been avoided had I been around. I know kids screw up even when mom is watching (i.e. : my niece got preg at 16y & my sis has been a SAHM for years). But why make life any harder then it has to be!
    {BTW: I would give nearly ANYTHING to have 2 beautiful 3 y/o twins}

    The +++ of my going to school: our DD wants to go to college (but blames me for neglecting her all these yrs). She's homeschooling now. HS wasn't a good experience for her. If I weren't so WRAPPED up in school I would have followed my mothering instincts & went to talk to her counselor b4 it got so bad.

    BTW my best friend is 52 & just graduated with me!

    Mom can take a class or 2 a semester & still get her "me time." I wonder... did her & DH talk about how they would be able to meet the house & family needs when she is out? I almost didn't accept my NS placement b/c I HAD to have my DH's moral support. I'm glad your MIL has you to lean on.

    Families have got to come first.. this I know everyone can agree on!

    And now that all is said & done... If I had it to do over again, I would have waited or gone PT to school. My DD life is worth more to me then any degree. And if my marriage to my DH comes to an end b/c of school: it would support me finacially, but emotionally my hubby is the other part of my heart.

    I guess what your MIL needs to ask herself: "Is possibly losing my hubby &/or kids worth this to me?"

    Let the flaming continue... (I know I'm gonna hear about this one!)

    Praise & prayer for your MIL: no matter what she decides!
  8. by   wannabemw
    Question: why do people have children (& go through a lot to have them)& expect others to raise them? I will never understand why a 2 parent family can't find a way for 1 parent to be a SAHM (Stay-at-Home-Mom) at least while the child is under the age of 5 (school aged). And then be at home when they return home from school! I have had to do this!

    Our children are in our lives for only so long & they didn't ask to be born into this. I always tell my DD how sad it is that her 15y/o friend gets no summer vacation, no alone time after school & mom is always gone at work. Dad is running his own business. She, is raising her siblings. Her folks have even gone so far as to make her come home from a camping trip: just so she can watch them. {And this is from a Mormon family I might add... not like any Mormon family I have ever seen!} I feel so badly for this girl!

    Call me old-fashioned but mom is the glue that binds the family.

  9. by   wannabemw
    Perhaps this says it all...
    for all SAHM & former SAHM's, Aunt's, GM, & friends.
    Being a mom is so UNDERRATED! :heartbeat
    (I am posting this b/c it relates to the topic)

    A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office
    was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

    She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

    "What I mean is," explained the recorder,
    "do you have a job or are you just a......?"

    "Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.

    "I'm a Mom."

    "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
    said the recorder emphatically.

    I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
    same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

    The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
    efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,
    "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

    "What is your occupation?" she probed.

    What made me say it?
    I do not know.
    The words simply popped out.
    "I'm a Research Associate in the field of
    Child Development and Human Relations."

    The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and
    looked up as though she had not heard right.

    I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
    Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
    in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

    "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,
    "just what you do in your field?"

    Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
    I heard myself reply,
    "I have a continuing program of research,
    [what mother doesn't)
    in the laboratory and in the field,
    (normally I would have said indoors and out).
    I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
    and already have four credits (all daughters).
    Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
    (any mother care to disagree?)
    and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
    But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and
    the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

    There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
    completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

    As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
    I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
    Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
    (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
    testing out a new vocal pattern.
    I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
    And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished
    and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood!

    What a glorious career!
    Especially when there's a title on the door.

    Does this make grandmothers
    "Senior Research associates in the field of
    Child Development and Human Relations"
    and great grandmothers
    "Executive Senior Research Associates"?
    I think so!!!
    I also think it makes Aunts
    "Associate Research Assistants".

    Please send this to another
    and other friends you know.

    May your troubles be less,
    your blessings be more
    and nothing but happiness come through your door!

  10. by   wannabemw
    I'm sorry to hear she had to go through this.... it's sad when family doesn't support you..
  11. by   firstyearstudent
    I've always found that the stay-at-home moms who honestly enjoy it are just grateful for the opportunity and not judgmental of moms who chose to do otherwisel. It's the martyrs who hate staying home who are critical.

    Let's say a woman doesn't particularly enjoy staying home with children, why are her only two choices 1) do it anyway, 2) don't have kids.

    Having some other competent person look after your children isn't child abuse. It might not be less than ideal to some, but none of use are providing our children with an ideal environment by everyone's standards.
  12. by   Alexsys
    Quote from ortess1971
    IMHO, this is why so many kids are spoiled rotten these days. Everything is "child centered". What I mean by that is children are too sheltered-it's all about their wants and needs. Nothing wrong with an older sibling helping take care of the little ones-I did it and am very close to my family. It gave me a sense of responsibility that has served me well. I think the older kids need a reality check and a boot in the fanny, quite honestly. I too, think she should stick with it and tell her selfish family to suck it up.:roll Doing a load of laundry or cooking dinner here and there won't kill anybody and the little kids will adapt as well. I'd rather have a mom who was happy and fulfilled rather than one who wonders what could have been. And as far as the "choosing" to have kids, everyone knows that sometimes, despite any precautions etc, babies come anyway. Some couples are just very prolific. Having kids doesn't mean you're dead and that you should shove your dreams to the side. I mean, we're talking about nursing school-she's not leaving the family to go overseas or anything. How much sacrificing is hubby doing? I would guess very little.
    You took the words right out of my mouth! Just because she has kids does not mean she is dead.
  13. by   Alexsys
    Quote from rn_wannabe2008
    Actually it's VERY reliable if you follow it 100%, but most people don't follow it that 'religously'! :-)
    Not if a woman's cycle is irregular