Well today was a very hard day for me....
Today we talked about the death process and I litteraly brokedown in front of my WHOLE class! I knew it would be hard for me but I NEVER guessed it would of been as hard for me as it was.
My Gram passed away right before X-mas and I DID NOT deal with the situation when it happen. I put it deep down inside me and "moved forward" I was in the state of mind that I had to be strong and if I let myself go everything would fall down around me. I tried to tell myself when it happen that it was ok and I could NOT be sad because she was older and it was her time so I keep telling myself that I had NO right to be sad. My Gram lived with my family my whole childhood(and till her death still lived with my Mom) she was like a 2nd mother to me. When my Mom called and told me she had passed I sat there in shock not even crying till days later(which I feel like a piece of sh*t for!) I thought I had dealt with it and even to my very close friends & family were almost shocked because I didnt really want to talk about it(I am a very talkative person!)
Well then today it happen I dealt with it ALL infront of about 25 people!
As our teacher was talking I started to tear up(which I was able to "somewhat" hide) then I full on started balling my eyes out like a crazy women! THEN I am not able to stop....there is part of me that wants to run to the bathroom but I COULD NOT GET UP! I felt as was numb and if I got up I would fall down!
I cried on the way home from school to & when I got home I slept like a baby for 5hrs I was still such a emotional wreck.
BUT I feel better about the whole situation now...NO I wish I hadnt brokedown in class infront of everyone but it needed to be done and I will say I feel like I crossed a bridge for my Gram's death today