How do you rally your family round?

Trauma Columnist · May 27, 2004

Your stories are all too familiar for me. I went back to school when my kids were 5 and 10 and hubby was overseas in the first Gulf War. Talk about a yucky time in my life! Then, while my husband was gone, oldest son was hospitalized multiple times with angioedema (severe allergic reactions) - I was so grateful for some military wives who were strangers and helped so much with my youngest son. It was extremely stressful. However, when my husband came home - he helped again like he always has. I think it helped that we were both in the military when we met and married and had our oldest son - we both had to do quite a bit other than work and school in order to make it. Now, with both our boys grown, we still share the workload around home. So...the moral of the story is...start the sharing early and then it just continues on its own. Good luck everyone - you can do it!

sabrn2006 · May 27, 2004

My dh says he is supportive of my plans and is being sickeningly sweet right now. Scares me, really. But the reality is that he is scared I will leave if he gives me a hard time! I have a dd (11) and a ds (13) who are both in the throes of hormone induced insanity. I can barely keep the dishes and the laundry done as it is. I have announced several times that they have to all start picking up some slack or we will have absolutely no time for anything fun come fall.

I am one who can tolerate small amounts of chaos but function much better when things are at least semi-organized. I am working only part time right now and trying to clean out my excess stuff as much as I can. I'm having a garage sale in a few weeks too. This summer I will be taking an evening class and working full time up until 2 weeks before school begins. Then during school it will be 15-20 hours per week.

I really like the idea of 10 minute cleaning bursts in between study sessions. Awesome! I will have to give that a shot. I am also trying to make up some sort of a chore schedule. Unfortunately, money is going to be pretty tight (paying for school) so I can't offer much in the form of bribery. I know many don't agree with paying kids for work, but my experience has been that it does motivate at least somewhat.

It does help a bit knowing that so many others are in the same boat! Misery truly does love company.

Carolanne · May 27, 2004

Pursue your goal. It's a wonderful example to your family. They will appreciate you more when you are around. Like the saying goes, you never know what you have until it's gone. I have two teens - 18 and 15 and a husband (my third child :chuckle). They were a little taken aback when I made my announcement to go back to school, but the adjustment went smoothly. I was also amazed by the ability of people to fend for themselves when they have to, a word I think they call responsibility; i.e., fix own snack if one is hungry, throw in a load of wash if one needs gym shorts or underwear for tomorrow ... quite a remarkable metamorphosis! Don't worry about it, everyone will adjust. Good luck to you!

TweetiePieRN · May 27, 2004

Yikes! You obviously have lots on your plate! As for the 13 yo primadonna. She needs to help you out with house chores. What better way for her to learn to be responsible.

I am the oldest of 5 children. My parents would work long hours and not come home until after 8pm. From when I was 14 up until I graduated high school, I came straight home from school. Cooked dinner, cleaned house and had the sibs help me out. I assisted with homework and baths and all that. This was EXPECTED of me. My parents made it very clear that they needed my help.

Here I am 24 yrs old, put MYSELF thru college with no loans. I worked sometimes 2 jobs while going to school full time. Bought my 1st car at age 16 with my own money (seriously!). Paid for my own wedding without assistance. I learned how to manage money properly at a young age too. Granted, when I was asked to help out I was steaming mad the first few months. Then eventually I was pretty proud of myself for sticking it out. Now, as an adult, I am really responsible and ever grateful to my parents for allowing me to learn teamwork and leadership skills basically. I have a very close-knit relationship with my brothers and sister also becuz of it.

Do you really want to go to nursing school for yourself or is it becuz hubby is "forcing" you to? Decide this now. If you really want to do it...I say go for it. If it is being forced on you and you are not really INTO it, chances are you won't finish, becuz what will motivate you? Nursing school is very challenging even when you really want to be there. I just hope you don't start it for hubby's sake and then give up midway thru. Becuz then you would be taking a precious spot that someone who really wants to be there could have had.

Your clinicals are only 4 hours a week!! You are soooo lucky! Ours were 19 hours a week, every week for the last 2 years! We would go 2 days for 9.5 hours each day. The actual days would change every semester too, so it was not consistent thru out the program.

I wish you good luck and hope you find a way to get thru this. :)

RNNoMore · May 28, 2004

LOL! No, my clinicals are much longer and more frequent than 4 hours - that was just an example :) Wish they were just 4 hours though....

I LOVED the 'hormone induced insanity' comment - that describes my little primadonna madam so well! Bless her, she really does have a heart of gold, but I made the wrong choice by doing all the chores myself just because I was at home and it was 'my job' - now I'm reaping the consequences and I'm going to have to put my foot down and get her to help out more.

I decided yesterday that half the problem is that I'm a bit of a control freak, as well as being a perfectionist - I have problems delegating and trusting others to do jobs, and get annoyed when I do delegate and the jobs aren't done to my standards, or on time etc. I have to work on that....

The idea of 'instruction cards' appeals to me - that way I can just hand a card to someone and they have complete instructions on how to do the job assigned to them.

My 10-minute chores: I''ve decided that the easiest way is to get a poster board and write down all the 10-minute chores that need to be done each day of the week. I'll laminate it, get a dry-wipe marker and mark off each chore as I do it. It will be the family's job to complete whatever is left undone each day - they can then see at a glance what jobs still need to be done, and choose what ones they want to do. I can stick a box to hold the instruction cards at the bottom of the poster.

If you're interested: this is a list of my 10-minute chores, and the days I do them. The days were chosen according to how frequently the job needed doing, and which days fit in best with college - so the days change with each semester according to how long I'm at college each day. If I'm sick, or too busy, and all the chores don't get done, it's no biggie, I just 'forget' about that day and those chores just get done the next time they're due.

*Dishwasher emptied - Daily

*Laundry in wash - Daily

*Counters wiped & tables polished - Daily

*Vaccuum downstairs - Daily

*Vaccuum the stairs - Mon, Fri

*Dust-sweep the hard floor - Daily

*Mop the hard floor - Mon, Fri

*Laundry in Dryer - Daily

*Make beds - Daily (thinking of getting rid of this one LOL!)

*Vaccuum upstairs - Thurs, Sun.

*Clean downstairs bathroom - Mon, Wed, Fri.

*Clean both the upstairs bathrooms - Thurs, Sun.

*Laundry out of dryer & folded - Daily

*Laundry put away - Daily

*Wash all towels - Saturday

*Wash daughter 1's bedding - Tues (3 x 10 min sections: Wash, Dry, Re-make bed)

*Wash daughter 2's bedding - Thurs (3 x 10 min sections)

*Wash our bedding - Sun (3 x 10 min sections)

thanks for the suggestions everyone! I feel better & more focussed now :)

Best wishes, Paint.

RNNoMore · May 28, 2004

OOOOhhhhh, I just thought: If each family member puts their initials on the chores they've done, then we can have a competition: the family member that does the most chores each week gets a small prize or reward. (competition always motivates my daughters to try and outdo each other LOL!).

Paint.

LydiaNN · May 29, 2004

Oh boy, do I know where you're coming from. Frankly, although I'm not very consistent about this, "tough love" is called for. If they don't have their laundry in the designated basket, it just doesn't get done. If you go into the kitchen to cook dinner, but instead have to spend half an hour cleaning the mess that has accumulated because your family hasn't kept it tidy, oh well, no dinner tonight. Fend for yourselves, everyone. (With kids in the house, the only caveat is to make sure you do have quick fix foods available for them). I once went six months without doing my husband's laundry because I was so fed up with it being scattered about. He had a SAHM who waited on all of them, as well as their Dad, and the result was an adult who can manage a 27 uniit restaurant change but can't throw the box away when he uses the last of the cereal. I would, however, encourage you to try to find other after school arrangements for your 8 year old daughter. This is an important time in the social development of your 13 year old, and she will be enormously resentful of her sister if she is expected to stay with her five afternoons a week. This is the voice of experience speaking.

RNNoMore · May 29, 2004

Mercyteapot, that has been worrying me too - no teenager wants to be babysitting her sister all the while, and it would also prevent her from going to any after-school clubs. I'm sending her on the Red-Cross babysitters training course next week, and as luck would have it, we found out that one of her friends is also going - this is a really nice girl who I like a lot, and lives just round the corner from us, so I may be able to pay her to babysit my youngest sometimes too. Hopefully the class times might be more suitable for those of us with kids in the following semester (wishful thinking LOL!).

Thanks, Paint.

prmenrs, RN · May 29, 2004

Dear Paint: I am having a hard time wording this so that I don't hurt you feelings. WAKE UP!!!! You are NOT the family slave. What are you going to do when you graduate, get a job @ a hospital and have to start working nights? The purpose of a family is to help each member succeed.

Starting NOW, everybody helps. If your husband leaves his clothes in the washing machine, take them out so that you can proceed w/the rest of the laundry. Or, you could just get another washer and dryer, then he can have his own. Kids clean their own bathroom. Don't worry, the Health Department will NOT be over to check up on you if those toilets aren't sterilized daily. (that's a sarcastic way of saying I think your standards are too high)

One website that can help you is flylady.net They do "zone cleaning". Check it out.

I am sure you are a wonderful wife and mother, and you will be a wonderful nurse--don't let your family get in the way of that dream. You wouldn't do it to them, why should they do it to you!

Find a good friend who can be your cheerleader--send you e-cards, listen to your frustrations, and give you a reality check as often as necessary.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Rhoresmith · May 29, 2004

Paint,

I think you need to put you foot down or maybe up someones A** and say this is the way it is going to be........ you are going to kill yourself if you keep up that schedule. Pre- reqs are different than nursing classes I took A & P in the summer 16 week class in 8 and my son played on 2 baseball teams and most games out of town I carried that book and notes with me everywhere, also had an English class and had lots of papers to write and I managed to get an A in English and a B in A&P, but when started nursing classes since it is a different kind of thinking not just knowing all the facts it got harder and harder, so my family had to help. Rule #1 - when mom studying only thing to disturb her is profuse bleeding or unconsiousness. Rule #2- when Mom has clinicals the next day and is doing careplan ( plus was my longest school day not home until 6-7 depending on how long getting pt info took at hospital) supper better be ready or I am eating a sandwich at the computer and everyone else is on there own

Rule # 3 Hamburger helper is our friend, as well as many microwave item and you will learn to like it or learn to cook ( this one has worked well 17 daugter and 13 yo are both cooking very well, husband is very good on BBQ grill) I know you want healthy but until you are out of school it won't hurt them... Rule#4 if you drop it pick it up if you use it put it away when finished and if you don't you don't get to use it again until you learn ( in case of 13 yo unless it is a vacum or dust rag or any other item that I asked you to use). I also cut out lots of things I only clean things once a week not 2 -3 and maybe the floors don't get cleaned everyday but guess what after 6 mos ( we moved over Christmas break NIGHTMARE) the floor are still here and I found that when it gets really bad and they want company they will clean and when they are hungry they will forge for food and when they have no clean underwear they will wash YOU HAVE TO GET TOUGH AND STICK WITH IT, Good luck to you

Rhonda

I was trying to say what the poster above me is saying you have way to high standards I mean cleaning bathroom 3 times a week no way and sweep and clean floors everyday no way 2-3 times a week will do only want to protect your sanity and health here

PCGrad06 · May 30, 2004

If it were not for my family I would had never took the first step toward this dream of mine. They are my support system. When I drive one crazy with what if's I get passed to the next one to hear it. But never have I been on th road alone NEVER

LauraLou · May 30, 2004

Do people really vacuum every day and mop floors twice a week? I am in shock! Seriously, I do everything once week: vacuum, laundry, clean bathrooms, etc. I have also given up cleaning my husband's bathroom sink because it took too long. I was curious to see how long he would go before cleaning it himself. It has been two months and he has only wiped it up once. It is totally disgusting but it's his issue not mine.

I do most of the housework, which means it gets done to my standards. If hubby wants to complain about the house, he is more than welcome to take over the responsibility of cleaning it. Then it can be done just the way he likes it. He hasn't complained once since I mentioned that to him!

Going to nursing school changes family dynamics. Change can be very uncomfortable, but people adjust with time.