any comment? - page 7

Hello, I have finally decided to join this forum for maybe somebody somewhere is in the same situation I am in right now, and maybe that very person could advise me on what I can possibly do. I have... Read More

  1. by   burn out
    Quote from unwanted RN
    Actually I don't have any legal issues, I ma a permanent resident, and my marriage was not arranged. I came here at my own will and it just didn't work out. The shift schedule that I am able to do is not 8am to 3pm, but 7pm to 7am on Fridays and Saturdays. I am only concerned about the training which seems to be a little off balance in terms of being able to planyour day. The training is only for about 6 weeks and I figured I can do it over the summer when my kids are not in school. After the training I am able to work normal shifts only part time. I can hire a babysitter to stay with my kids while I am asleep during the day. She cannot drive , but it is better than nothing . As for the issues I have with my husband, I know I need to leave, but I am not in an imminent danger, and I have to do the separation with a working brain not a working heart. A lot of women had been killed or badly hurt trying to leave or found themselves homeless. All of these emails have been extremely empowering and I guess I needed that to help me think. I never imagined so many people actually taking their time to respond. It is nice to know somebody actually cares. I don't know if I had mentioned it , but I really don't have a single soul I can depend on nor do I have a friend because when I tried to make friends with my classmates my husband checked my cellphone or email and emailed them back and insulted them so, that was it. I think people don't feel comfortable around me because of the issues I have. That is why I was so surprised to see how many people actually cared to espond. I think I will be able to get help at my kids school, but it might take a while because it is a new school for us. But I wanted to thank everybody for responding and trying to help.

    Hey kid, you are not alone, many of us have been exactly where you are. Sometimes I think being a nurse and picking abusive husbands or significant others go hand in hand..probably some co-dependent issue. anyway, you are doing everything to keep your family together as it can only be easier without him to complicate your life any further. Change is always scarey but staying in an unhealthy relationship can be even scarier. If you do plan to leave you must do so strategically. While you are sitting back form a plan in your mind (do not write it down), plan your escape where will you go, how will you get everyone there, stash some money in a special account that your husband doesn't know about or hide it somewhere in the car. You will know when the time comes to leave-set a limit on what you are willing to take and when he reaches that limit , go- set your plan in motion.. maybe even a couple of practice runs ahead of time to make sure it is foolproof. Know where you are going and take an alternate route to get there just in case he catches on and tries to follow you. good luck and god speed.
  2. by   kb12345
    Hi all,

    I posted twice before I had a chance to read everyone's posts. So, with that being said, I need to apologize for my very "forward" thinking and comments. This is my second time using this forum so I don't know how to use it very well. I'm still learning how and were to post. In any case, because of the second post I just read from the originator, forget anything i said because with abuse involved, on any level, if you do anything to greatly anger your husband, with no resources, friends, or otherwise, you may be in "big trouble". Some of the other posters mentioned battered women's shelters, etc...all good ideas...what about "sneaking alittle money here and there and putting away for a rainy day? I had a G.F. whose husband all out beat her at the slightest thought of her being anything less than obedient and she slowly put money away like if he gave her x amountof $ for groceries, she would "skim" alittle off the top, or take alittle out of his wallet when he wasn't looking. I know you must be afraid but the bottom line is that as long as you "allow" this treatment, then that's what you will get. I don't know how difficult it must be for you or even to get the nerve to stand up to your husband and risk physical injury but you must do something for you and your kids. Your kids are learning that it's ok for men to hit women and for women to take it.

    Please be safe, APRN....
  3. by   caroladybelle
    0700 to 1900 shifts on Friday and Saturday would certainly work for someplace, as those days are not popular.

    I hope to think that there are classmates that would offer you support, in spite of your spouse. There are those pickup cell phones that you can buy and keep the number private from your spouse.

    Your former nursing instructors can be a good source of support. And they may have some very good advice and refer you to some good sources of help. Do not be afraid to ask for their assistance.

    Is there a religion that you subscribe to and that would help? If you do not feel comfortable or they are not helpful in your situation, there are others that may help you. I am Jewish but frequently help out with Christian concerns. G-d is G-d and those that serve our creator's concern, help one another regardless.

    Stay safe. I hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
  4. by   Late Bloomer
    I am coming to this post late, but felt compelled to add my two cents.

    I was the child in an abusive situation and later progressed to my own abusive situation with children. Whether he hits the children or not they are not safe. Through your relationship they are learning their own value. They may develope PTSD, like I did, or they will learn to deny their own dreams for the sake of someone else. The best thing you can do for your childrens wellbeing is to show them what a happy and fulfilled person looks like. You MUST leave this man. They will fight you about it, tell you they miss their father and other things, but this is because nothing is more scarry for the abused child than the unknown. This will pass and after they get used to the new freedom and the new you they will be very happy.

    Like you said, do this with your head not your heart. Plan your escape very carefully. I hid my valuable jewelry in my pressure cooker, I knew he'd try to destroy my things and would never look there. Leave no clues. Get a post office box and a bank account that he has no access to and no clue of there existance. Go to a lawyer now and get information, DO NOT TAKE the children to this visit. They will inadvertantly tell him something. Men and women who have no history of violence have shot their spouse when they found out it was over. Don't underestimate this fact.

    I live just outside of Houston, and lived in Houston for 5 years, it is very expensive. Consider moving to Katy. Memorial Hermann Katy has a very nice intership program and being a new hospital is looking for RNs. UT and Memorial Hermann Houston both have child care programs I believe. Waiting until summer to do the intership will give you time to put your escape plan into order, get in contact with the women's shelter and visit the library. There are books on what the state laws for divorce are mistakes not to make.

    It's hard to do, finacially devistating, and scarry as hell. After 13 years of marriage. When I left I worked two jobs making 7.50 and hour, had three kids and a $650 a month mortgage. I lost the house, had to file bankruptcy and move south to get help from family. NO help from ex-husband. I can still say it was the best thing I ever gave myself and my children. I am now in my second semester of ADN training, have a wonderful and supportive husband of 13 years and have never been happier.

    The main reason this will all be so difficult is because he's had 10 years to convince you your nothing. Don't buy it! You only need to look at what you've accomplished to see how capable you are. Protect yourself.

    Good luck.
  5. by   gr8rnpjt
    OP will not be leaving her husband until she is ready to. Doubtless, she will, but this may not be "the time". Something will happen to change her mind and she will realize that staying silent to avoid blowups does not change what happens next. There will always be another issue he is ready to do battle about. I hope that your kids truly are safe and your plans are solid ones. You know it is inevitable. You need to be able to say, "I have had enough, and my kids have had enough" and be ready to back up your words.
    Only then will you see the possibilites of being a strong and independent woman. You will be able to look in the mirror and say, I am doing this for them more than for myself. I wish you luck because no matter what you do, you are in for difficult times.
  6. by   muffie
    good luck dear
  7. by   Burnnurse63
    I feel for you in this situation. But because nursing is a 24 hours job, it can't and won't stop and start to fit our individual schedules. I am not suprised that you haven't been able to find the new grad/orientation program that you are looking for. And I doubt that you will be able too. As you know, when the shift starts, there is a lot of information to review and tasks to organize, so coming into the shift late is very difficult for both you and your preceptor, then suddenly needing to leave halfway through does not give you the full training and the ability to organize yourself as well as leaving both your patients and your preceptor hanging.
    I can not tell you how to fix your family life but I do wish you well and I hope a solution is forthcoming soon.
  8. by   twotrees2
    this may sound cruel- but - it worked for me- leave the kids at home telling him what time and hwere the kids need to be- then off to work. when the school calls a few times looking for the kids he will either get a clue ( mine didnt ) or school will call social services and when social services comes to the door and talks to you and your hubby you tell the social worker well i leave for work and he needs to get them to school and when he has no absolute excuse as to why he cant do it they will talk to himand possibly put him in a parenting class.- once social services steps in adn "talks " to them - they may just step up to the plate. or if you wish to you can cal social services yourself explain the situation letting them know that he isnt doing his job- they will probably inform you that you ahve a choice to leave him- well - wether you do or not os not an issue in my book - and even if you odnt want to leve him he needs to pitch in - like i said - when i hav trouble with DH not doing his job - social services has been pretty good here.

    you may want to look at the situation through others eyes thoughh - being totally trthful - mine had NO excuse ( no job , sits on his butt yada yada) - have him show you WHY he cant do it - is that time neded for preps for presentations or what - perhaps he would agree to daycare -

    Quote from unwanted RN
    Hello, I have finally decided to join this forum for maybe somebody somewhere is in the same situation I am in right now, and maybe that very person could advise me on what I can possibly do. I have graduated with BSN last year in May and ever since I have stayed home taking care of my children unable to work. My problem is that I am doing all the parenting myself because my husband has started his business and somehow thinks it is below him to help me at least take the children to school in the morning, even though he leaves home around 10:30 am to his office! as a result I am unable to begin any training or internships which are available only in hospitals and are all day. The internships include classes, certifications, and of course rotating shifts which are 7 am to 7 pm for about 2 months. There is absolutely no way I can do this because I have to take the kids to school in teh morning and pick them up 3:30. I told the hospitals that I can train between 8am and 3:30pm to learn skills and see how the shifts work, and work full 12 hour shifts on weekends nights, but they say I had to experience the shift changes at 7 am and 7 pm. So, my inability to complete the internship lies in not being able to attend the shift changes. During my school practicum I have done about 200 or more shift changes and I am very familiar with them it is not a new concept so, I cannot understand why all teh hospitals are so adamant about the shift change? I am more concern about learning my skills that might be new to me. At this point I am so frustrated because not a single hospital in Houston has enough sense to offer me some flexibility . I have an active license and offering enough time to train, but I cannot because of some inconvenient standards . Unwanted RN whose license is rotting away.
  9. by   twotrees2
    Quote from Jolie
    Have you considered LTC? Most facilities are desperately in need of dedicated RNs. Perhaps you would find a LTC facility that would be willing to be flexible about orientation.
    my question is this- if she cant get to orientation - the hours for the "real" job isnt gonna change - so realy there isnt a differnce- either way the hours are what they are.

    second - he sounds abusive and if i recall she said physically as well - i too wen thorugh that kind of relationship - get to a shelter with the kids- they will help you get set up and you will be proabbaly in a bigger city where things such as daycare and such are more accessible.

    OP - i know its easier said then done- hang in there - prayers going out to you and your kids. took my ex near hurting my kid before i left - never again -

    good luck.
  10. by   twotrees2
    Quote from unwanted RN
    I agree with all of you that I should get working as a nurse, leave my husband to protect the kids, and free my self from this hopeless situation. I am a very patient person and as long as my kids are safe I can weather any storm, and wait for an opportunity to do the right thing. It used to be much worse in the past when I still had my dignity and fire, now I know how to keep the household quiet so, my kids are not affected . I am going to try to network in their school, even though, it might take some time to do it because I just enrolled them last Fall. It is a Christian school and the people are very nice, and I am hopefull I will be able to work things out in order for me to complete the training and start my nursing career. I know there still are good people out there willing to help, and once I see an opportunity to turn my life around I will certainly do it. Thank you all for the support and prayers. I've always known nurses are amazing people and one day I want to be just like them.
    your kids are being effected and its unfortunate- witnessing dad subdue you into submission shows them tyhat that is how to treat women ( or i if you have a daughter that that is how men are to treat women and they are to be quiet ) leaving them open to either abuse others or be abused as they grow into teens adn adults.
  11. by   twotrees2
    Quote from unwanted RN
    Hello Caroladybelle, I actually completelly agree with you. I already have done every possible research on nursing entry level jobs outside of hospital, and without any experience nobody will hire me. I am also aware of the fact that nursing is a career which requires professionalism and reliability of physical and emotional caliber. I went into nursing because I love the profession and had every intent to be a reliable and responsible nurse. Calling off shifts and being a burden on my fellow nurses because of issues with my children would be the least thing I would like to do. I am just looking for a way to accomplish the training and start working shifts, once I am done with that I can work nights on weekends and have a sitter during the day. I am working out a plan to leave my husband, but I need to make sure that it does a minimal damage to my kids. I figured I could train during summer when kids don't go to school and have a sitter with them. I didn't think of that before, it just occured to me half an hour ago and made my cheeks all red out of excitement. It might actually work
    if i had it all over to do again - i knoiw now the minimal damage to my kids owuld have been done by just leaving - going to an abuse shelter - getting thhe help i needed and got out on my own with my kids - just what i see now having been there done that.
  12. by   twotrees2
    Quote from LeahJet
    Tazzi, I very much agree with you.
    I traveled for a couple of years and found that the facilities I worked in were GREAT. The staff was very nice and my assignments were no different than theirs.

    To Wanted RN, I am going to have to just be blunt.
    Do what ever you have to do to leave that jerk.
    You have the means to give your children a good life financially. And I am sorry if this sounds too harsh, but it is your responsibility to get them out of that situation. YOU will be responsible for their emotional and personality scarring if you choose to stay.
    please everyone- "just leave" is easier said than done in most cases of abuse- please do not give an added guilt trip onto anyone that is in one saying "if you dont leave its your fault they are scarred" - we who stay are not totally ignorant - we KNOW we have scarred our kids in some way but it is not SOLEY our doing. just an fYI for foks from someone who hs gone through just what this woman is going through..........,
  13. by   luvmy3kids
    If your children are in elementary school... most schools have a before school/after school program. My daughters school opens at 6am before school starts. They serve them breakfast and they get to work on homework or play in the gym... after school starts immediately afterwards and continues until 6pm when they must be picked up. They give them a snack after school and they again can work on homework or do organized activities or games etc...

    I am fortunate to be home while I'm attending school... but I've looked into this as I had a class that conflicted with my children's school time....

    It is relatively inexpensive too...

    FWIW... I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know your personal situation, but your husband sounds like he needs a heart to heart with you. He really needs to step up to the plate and realize that your family is a unit that needs to work together. No one is more important than anyone else at any given time. Good luck to you. I hope you can work it out... the world needs more nurses like yourself!

    ETA: I just read most of the posts on here (I try not to do it until after I post so I don't sway one way or another)... but I agree... your husband does sound very controlling and abusive. I pray that you can find a way to remove yourself and your children from that situation and do what you can to take care of yourself. Good luck to you.
    Last edit by luvmy3kids on Mar 31, '07