any comment?

[unwanted RN]

Hello, I have finally decided to join this forum for maybe somebody somewhere is in the same situation I am in right now, and maybe that very person could advise me on what I can possibly do. I have graduated with BSN last year in May and ever since I have stayed home taking care of my children unable to work. My problem is that I am doing all the parenting myself because my husband has started his business and somehow thinks it is below him to help me at least take the children to school in the morning, even though he leaves home around 10:30 am to his office! as a result I am unable to begin any training or internships which are available only in hospitals and are all day. The internships include classes, certifications, and of course rotating shifts which are 7 am to 7 pm for about 2 months. There is absolutely no way I can do this because I have to take the kids to school in teh morning and pick them up 3:30. I told the hospitals that I can train between 8am and 3:30pm to learn skills and see how the shifts work, and work full 12 hour shifts on weekends nights, but they say I had to experience the shift changes at 7 am and 7 pm. So, my inability to complete the internship lies in not being able to attend the shift changes. During my school practicum I have done about 200 or more shift changes and I am very familiar with them it is not a new concept so, I cannot understand why all teh hospitals are so adamant about the shift change? I am more concern about learning my skills that might be new to me. At this point I am so frustrated because not a single hospital in Houston has enough sense to offer me some flexibility . I have an active license and offering enough time to train, but I cannot because of some inconvenient standards . Unwanted RN whose license is rotting away.

[NurseLatteDNP, MSN, DNP, RN]

Do you feel safe leaving the children with him when you do start working?

[Franksters]

I hope you get this resolved. As a clinical nurse manager, I cannot change/create shifts for anyone. We are all held accountable to the same standards. We all have issues. We need to learn how to deal with them effectively. Sounds like you have a decision to make. Do you want to be a nurse? Or are you willing to postpone your career until the kids are self sufficient.

[bagladyrn, RN]

Actually I don't have any legal issues, I ma a permanent resident, and my marriage was not arranged. I came here at my own will and it just didn't work out. The shift schedule that I am able to do is not 8am to 3pm, but 7pm to 7am on Fridays and Saturdays. I am only concerned about the training which seems to be a little off balance in terms of being able to planyour day. The training is only for about 6 weeks and I figured I can do it over the summer when my kids are not in school. After the training I am able to work normal shifts only part time. I can hire a babysitter to stay with my kids while I am asleep during the day. She cannot drive , but it is better than nothing . As for the issues I have with my husband, I know I need to leave, but I am not in an imminent danger, and I have to do the separation with a working brain not a working heart. A lot of women had been killed or badly hurt trying to leave or found themselves homeless. All of these emails have been extremely empowering and I guess I needed that to help me think. I never imagined so many people actually taking their time to respond. It is nice to know somebody actually cares. I don't know if I had mentioned it , but I really don't have a single soul I can depend on nor do I have a friend because when I tried to make friends with my classmates my husband checked my cellphone or email and emailed them back and insulted them so, that was it. I think people don't feel comfortable around me because of the issues I have. That is why I was so surprised to see how many people actually cared to espond. I think I will be able to get help at my kids school, but it might take a while because it is a new school for us. But I wanted to thank everybody for responding and trying to help.

As someone else said - please be sure your husband cannot track your internet use - this thread could be a real trigger and endanger you. I'm not computer savvy, but am sure someone here could tell you how to protect that information.

I agree totally with Carolladybelle that travel nursing is not a good option, but when the time comes that you are ready to make a move you may want to look at some of the hospitals that offer a good relocation bonus to new staff nurses. Some of the larger facilities may even have onsite child care or may be able to refer you to someone for help with that. Just something to keep in mind - you may want to look for a completely new area if you decide to make the break.

Stay safe and let us know that you are okay.

[kb12345]

Hi,

Sorry about the issues your having...It will get better i'm sure. Ever thought about before school/after school programs? They usually take the kids at about 7am and then they keep them until like 5pm? or a part time nanny to drop the kids off, fully dressed, lunches packed ready to rock? Maybe drop them off at 6:30 so you can make it to work then pick them up as soon as you get out? She can walk then to school and pick them up if it's within walking distance. A neighbor who doesn't work looking for alittle extra money might be willing to do this, or even a college student with a late morning class, a car, and the need for some extra cash. Not much, like $50.00 a week ($10.00 daily) I would "kill" my husband if he acted that way, but your situation is unique to you. Alot of this may be your husbands way of making sure you always "need" him. I swear some men are so afraid of their wives having their own lives and careers and becoming independent. Of course your career is just as important as your husbands and if you allow him to get away with this then he will and you will never have what you really want and will regret it later and after being married nealy 16 years, I can tell you that unseated regret can and will ruin a relationship, especially when there is blame placed. Either stand up and "force" him to help or swallow it and find another workable way. What about asking one of the mom's your kids go to school with that don't live too far away? You would be surprised who would say yes...I would if I lived in TX and new your family and ya'll were nice and law abiding. Think about it.....Dropping the kids off 1/2 hour before school all ready to go wouldn't be a big deal for a mom who is already up getting her own house in order. Just some suggestions, let me know how you make out...GOOD LUCK!!!!

APRN:nuke:

[ben123]

YOU need to stop worrying about working and get away from your husband. You said he gets physical with you on your post on #21. You should not be with any person who physically abuses you. GET OUT OR WAIT UNTIL HE STARTS HURTING THE CHILDREN.

[kb12345]

Hi Angie,

I'll try not to flame you but get real...does it really matter if her husband thinks she should work or not? Or more what she feels would fulfill her and make her happy? And his lack of support of that? She has a right to pursue her dreams just as her husband did when he opened his business and she supported him. Is it too much for her to ask that he return the favor? I don't think so. Women all over the country work and still care for their families too...I do. I have 6 children and a wonderful, "helping" husband. I am an NP and work in an out patient psych facility. On average, I work 80 hours a week between on call, in the hospitals overnight doing admit paperwork, and the daytime at the facility itself. We have family evening every Friday, we eat together every night and even if we can't for some unknown emergency, I still cook every night and they eat together in my absence. My husband and I both help the kids with their homework, etc...So see, it can be done,because I'm doing it...Like the woman whose husband is in the military said, "where there's a will, there's a way"

Listen, I can certainly understanding compromising what you want to do to meet everyone's needs, but not for the sake of pacifying her husband who in my mind is totally wrong!! Because you know what...when it's all said and done, he has exactly what he wants, what about her?

APRN....

[burn out]

Actually I don't have any legal issues, I ma a permanent resident, and my marriage was not arranged. I came here at my own will and it just didn't work out. The shift schedule that I am able to do is not 8am to 3pm, but 7pm to 7am on Fridays and Saturdays. I am only concerned about the training which seems to be a little off balance in terms of being able to planyour day. The training is only for about 6 weeks and I figured I can do it over the summer when my kids are not in school. After the training I am able to work normal shifts only part time. I can hire a babysitter to stay with my kids while I am asleep during the day. She cannot drive , but it is better than nothing . As for the issues I have with my husband, I know I need to leave, but I am not in an imminent danger, and I have to do the separation with a working brain not a working heart. A lot of women had been killed or badly hurt trying to leave or found themselves homeless. All of these emails have been extremely empowering and I guess I needed that to help me think. I never imagined so many people actually taking their time to respond. It is nice to know somebody actually cares. I don't know if I had mentioned it , but I really don't have a single soul I can depend on nor do I have a friend because when I tried to make friends with my classmates my husband checked my cellphone or email and emailed them back and insulted them so, that was it. I think people don't feel comfortable around me because of the issues I have. That is why I was so surprised to see how many people actually cared to espond. I think I will be able to get help at my kids school, but it might take a while because it is a new school for us. But I wanted to thank everybody for responding and trying to help.

Hey kid, you are not alone, many of us have been exactly where you are. Sometimes I think being a nurse and picking abusive husbands or significant others go hand in hand..probably some co-dependent issue. anyway, you are doing everything to keep your family together as it is..it can only be easier without him to complicate your life any further. Change is always scarey but staying in an unhealthy relationship can be even scarier. If you do plan to leave you must do so strategically. While you are sitting back form a plan in your mind (do not write it down), plan your escape where will you go, how will you get everyone there, stash some money in a special account that your husband doesn't know about or hide it somewhere in the car. You will know when the time comes to leave-set a limit on what you are willing to take and when he reaches that limit , go- set your plan in motion.. maybe even a couple of practice runs ahead of time to make sure it is foolproof. Know where you are going and take an alternate route to get there just in case he catches on and tries to follow you. good luck and god speed.

[kb12345]

Hi all,

I posted twice before I had a chance to read everyone's posts. So, with that being said, I need to apologize for my very "forward" thinking and comments. This is my second time using this forum so I don't know how to use it very well. I'm still learning how and were to post. In any case, because of the second post I just read from the originator, forget anything i said because with abuse involved, on any level, if you do anything to greatly anger your husband, with no resources, friends, or otherwise, you may be in "big trouble". Some of the other posters mentioned battered women's shelters, etc...all good ideas...what about "sneaking alittle money here and there and putting away for a rainy day? I had a G.F. whose husband all out beat her at the slightest thought of her being anything less than obedient and she slowly put money away like if he gave her x amountof $ for groceries, she would "skim" alittle off the top, or take alittle out of his wallet when he wasn't looking. I know you must be afraid but the bottom line is that as long as you "allow" this treatment, then that's what you will get. I don't know how difficult it must be for you or even to get the nerve to stand up to your husband and risk physical injury but you must do something for you and your kids. Your kids are learning that it's ok for men to hit women and for women to take it.

Please be safe, APRN....

[caroladybelle, BSN, RN]

0700 to 1900 shifts on Friday and Saturday would certainly work for someplace, as those days are not popular.

I hope to think that there are classmates that would offer you support, in spite of your spouse. There are those pickup cell phones that you can buy and keep the number private from your spouse.

Your former nursing instructors can be a good source of support. And they may have some very good advice and refer you to some good sources of help. Do not be afraid to ask for their assistance.

Is there a religion that you subscribe to and that would help? If you do not feel comfortable or they are not helpful in your situation, there are others that may help you. I am Jewish but frequently help out with Christian concerns. G-d is G-d and those that serve our creator's concern, help one another regardless.

Stay safe. I hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Late Bloomer]

I am coming to this post late, but felt compelled to add my two cents.

I was the child in an abusive situation and later progressed to my own abusive situation with children. Whether he hits the children or not they are not safe. Through your relationship they are learning their own value. They may develope PTSD, like I did, or they will learn to deny their own dreams for the sake of someone else. The best thing you can do for your childrens wellbeing is to show them what a happy and fulfilled person looks like. You MUST leave this man. They will fight you about it, tell you they miss their father and other things, but this is because nothing is more scarry for the abused child than the unknown. This will pass and after they get used to the new freedom and the new you they will be very happy.

Like you said, do this with your head not your heart. Plan your escape very carefully. I hid my valuable jewelry in my pressure cooker, I knew he'd try to destroy my things and would never look there. Leave no clues. Get a post office box and a bank account that he has no access to and no clue of there existance. Go to a lawyer now and get information, DO NOT TAKE the children to this visit. They will inadvertantly tell him something. Men and women who have no history of violence have shot their spouse when they found out it was over. Don't underestimate this fact.

I live just outside of Houston, and lived in Houston for 5 years, it is very expensive. Consider moving to Katy. Memorial Hermann Katy has a very nice intership program and being a new hospital is looking for RNs. UT and Memorial Hermann Houston both have child care programs I believe. Waiting until summer to do the intership will give you time to put your escape plan into order, get in contact with the women's shelter and visit the library. There are books on what the state laws for divorce are mistakes not to make.

It's hard to do, finacially devistating, and scarry as hell. After 13 years of marriage. When I left I worked two jobs making 7.50 and hour, had three kids and a $650 a month mortgage. I lost the house, had to file bankruptcy and move south to get help from family. NO help from ex-husband. I can still say it was the best thing I ever gave myself and my children. I am now in my second semester of ADN training, have a wonderful and supportive husband of 13 years and have never been happier.

The main reason this will all be so difficult is because he's had 10 years to convince you your nothing. Don't buy it! You only need to look at what you've accomplished to see how capable you are. Protect yourself.

Good luck.

[gr8rnpjt, RN]

OP will not be leaving her husband until she is ready to. Doubtless, she will, but this may not be "the time". Something will happen to change her mind and she will realize that staying silent to avoid blowups does not change what happens next. There will always be another issue he is ready to do battle about. I hope that your kids truly are safe and your plans are solid ones. You know it is inevitable. You need to be able to say, "I have had enough, and my kids have had enough" and be ready to back up your words.

Only then will you see the possibilites of being a strong and independent woman. You will be able to look in the mirror and say, I am doing this for them more than for myself. I wish you luck because no matter what you do, you are in for difficult times.

[muffie, RN]

good luck dear