alcoholism, would you help?

bargainhound, RN · Sep 7, 2004

Leave it alone.

"Helping" may just turn into "hurting" yourself and our dtr.

directcare4me · Sep 7, 2004

I'm not sure what you could do to help. What are you envisioning doing? My opinion is that your daughter has done the best thing, for him and for herself, by setting limits (breaking up) and sticking to them. I TRULY know how much you want to help him, but, as a good friend of mine sometimes says, "sometimes you just have to watch them eat ground glass."

It's hard to watch, but to really begin to recover from the addiction, he has to hit absolute bottom, and until he does, no one can "help" him.

Again, this is just my opinion, but comes from personal experience.

I wish all of you the best.

jnette, ASN, EMT-I · Sep 7, 2004

I'm not sure what you could do to help. What are you envisioning doing? My opinion is that your daughter has done the best thing, for him and for herself, by setting limits (breaking up) and sticking to them. I TRULY know how much you want to help him, but, as a good friend of mine sometimes says, "sometimes you just have to watch them eat ground glass."
It's hard to watch, but to really begin to recover from the addiction, he has to hit absolute bottom, and until he does, no one can "help" him.
Again, this is just my opinion, but comes from personal experience.
I wish all of you the best.

Agree. Leave it alone. He has to learn to help HIMSELF. The choices are HIS to make. When they hurt badly enough, they will do what they need to do.

The responsibility is HIS.. not yours.

Your dtr. has done the right thing. If she now sees YOU getting involved, it would be like negating the choices she made herself. I would strongly advise against it. There ARE other places he can go to get the help he needs, but it MUST begin with HIM.

Worked etoh and chem dependency for several years until I could no longer tolerate the "revolving door" syndrome and became burned out. Too disheartening.

Wish the young man the best, but leave it alone.

oldiebutgoodie, RN · Sep 7, 2004

Hi all,
question for advice.
My daugher's now former boyfriend of more than 1 year has recently relapsed after spending time in a rehab for alcoholism. I know his mother is getting burnt out. I feel terrible for this young man, but don't know if I should try and help him since she has just broken up with him after repeated warnings that she would do just that if she found him drinking again.
Would you just leave it alone?
Maybe it is because I am a nurse and feel obliged to try and help?
I do not want to seem that I am enabling him either.
Lee

Leave him alone. Otherwise, you will be enabling him.Unfortunately, he may have to bottom out before he realizes that drinking is not the answer.

directcare4me · Sep 7, 2004

One other thing I wanted to add: Your daughter is the one you can help. By supporting her and her decision; by standing fast and helping her not to weaken in her decision; by letting her know how proud you are of her for being so wise and mature and for NOT being an enabler; for doing the only and best thing she can do for this young man she cares for.

Don't forget, that this is hard for her too. You can best help the situation by helping your daughter know that she did the absolute right thing.

jnette, ASN, EMT-I · Sep 7, 2004

One other thing I wanted to add: Your daughter is the one you can help. By supporting her and her decision; by standing fast and helping her not to weaken in her decision; by letting her know how proud you are of her for being so wise and mature and for NOT being an enabler; for doing the only and best thing she can do for this young man she cares for.
Don't forget, that this is hard for her too. You can best help the situation by helping your daughter know that she did the absolute right thing.

Again, I agree wholeheartedly.

Angela Mac · Sep 7, 2004

It is a long and emotionally painful process to help someone with an alcohol/drug addiction. I went through AA and Analon with a close family friend for almost a year, only to find out, that he had substituted alcohol for marijuana (because of a D.U.I). I have heard this is quite common. I had to give up. He was sucking the life out of me-calling at all hours of the night, and depressed all the time. I hate to say that my patience wore thin, but I had come to realize that I was losing the battle and losing myself. I would not devote that amount of time and dedication again, unless it was a member of my own family.

LydiaGreen · Sep 7, 2004

It is a long and emotionally painful process to help someone with an alcohol/drug addiction. I went through AA and Analon with a close family friend for almost a year, only to find out, that he had substituted alcohol for marijuana (because of a D.U.I). I have heard this is quite common. I had to give up. He was sucking the life out of me-calling at all hours of the night, and depressed all the time. I hate to say that my patience wore thin, but I had come to realize that I was losing the battle and losing myself. I would not devote that amount of time and dedication again, unless it was a member of my own family.

I wouldn't invest that amount of time even if it WAS a member of my own family. The problem with alcoholism is that only the alcoholic can help the alcoholic. No one else can - no matter how much they want to. Alcoholics are manipulative by nature and very good at it. It is the way that they are able to garner sympathy from anyone and everyone and thereby secure their help in continuing their self-destructive illness.

Your daughter has done the right thing. As long as she was with him - she was enabling him, even if she didn't realize it.

My DH has been sober for eleven and a half years. I didn't get him there. His family didn't get him there. No one convinced him to go to AA. He wasn't forced by court order or the fear of losing someone. He went on his own. He made the decision to get help for himself and THAT is why he has been successful. It is a permanent illness. There are times when he still craves a drink - but he goes to a meeting or starts a project in his workshop until it passes. There are no guarantees that he will never pick up a drink again - this illness is present each and every single day (hence the motto one day at a time). But, if he does pick up a drink - I will be gone, along with our two children and he knows it. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, he is attentive, supportive, and the world's greatest Dad. I love him more than my own life. But, I wouldn't hesitate to leave if I thought he was drinking. Staying wouldn't do him any favours. It wouldn't do any for me. And, it certainly wouldn't do any for our children. Your daughter has made the right decision and should most definitely be supported by you. Any support you give to the ex-boyfriend would only provide him with one more person to manipulate (they are SO good at making you feel sorry for them). Your daughter needs you now. Good luck.

directcare4me · Sep 7, 2004

I wouldn't invest that amount of time even if it WAS a member of my own family. The problem with alcoholism is that only the alcoholic can help the alcoholic. No one else can - no matter how much they want to. Alcoholics are manipulative by nature and very good at it. It is the way that they are able to garner sympathy from anyone and everyone and thereby secure their help in continuing their self-destructive illness.
Your daughter has done the right thing. As long as she was with him - she was enabling him, even if she didn't realize it.
My DH has been sober for eleven and a half years. I didn't get him there. His family didn't get him there. No one convinced him to go to AA. He wasn't forced by court order or the fear of losing someone. He went on his own. He made the decision to get help for himself and THAT is why he has been successful. It is a permanent illness. There are times when he still craves a drink - but he goes to a meeting or starts a project in his workshop until it passes. There are no guarantees that he will never pick up a drink again - this illness is present each and every single day (hence the motto one day at a time). But, if he does pick up a drink - I will be gone, along with our two children and he knows it. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, he is attentive, supportive, and the world's greatest Dad. I love him more than my own life. But, I wouldn't hesitate to leave if I thought he was drinking. Staying wouldn't do him any favours. It wouldn't do any for me. And, it certainly wouldn't do any for our children. Your daughter has made the right decision and should most definitely be supported by you. Any support you give to the ex-boyfriend would only provide him with one more person to manipulate (they are SO good at making you feel sorry for them). Your daughter needs you now. Good luck.

Excellent post! You have a great understanding of this illness. Your husband is a very lucky man; I'm happy for him and for you.

Angela Mac · Sep 7, 2004

Lydia- I truly admire your strength

allnurses Guide · Sep 7, 2004

I wanted to add some programs for alcohol/drug recovery, just in case. Funny, they were in this morning's "Annie's Mailbox" column, which y'all can google.

smartrecovery.org

Smart Recovery

7537 Mentor Avenue

Suite 306

Mentor, OH 44060

Rational Recovery

Box 800

Lotus, CA 95651

rational.org

LifeRing

1440 Broadway

Suite 312

Oakland, CA 94612-2023

lifering.org

Women For Sobriety

P.O. Box 618

Quakertown, PA 18951-0618

womenforsobriety.org

Moderation Management

22 West 27th Street

5th Floor

New York, NY 10001

moderation.org

And a basic national referral source for treatment program for alcohol and drug addiction at samhsa.gov

Another referral source:

jointogether.org/sa/help

steph