Game of Groans

GrumpyRN said:

I noticed that this thread seems to be missing since the transfer so thought I would resurrect it. If I'm wrong and it is hiding somewhere then let me know.

Anything on blue did not transfer over. So if you're looking for any threads, you have to recreate them. 

Given how much my phone thinks I am typing "ducking," Apple must think we still have a pretty serious problem with witches.

People say using your children's names as passwords isn't secure, but I don't agree, and neither do my kids Chr1s_£!! and little J0hnn1E*%9c.

I asked the pharmacist for some cream for my bottom rash. She said, "Cutaneous?" I said, "Thanks very much."

I had to tell my son he was adopted. He isn't, but he should have tidied his room.

I used to be a terrible name dropper, but I tell you who cured me of that, Dame Judi Dench.

I have zero tolerance for drugs, which means I get high very easily.

Never tell a girl with OCD she scrubs up well.

Off to pub now for a few beers with people I know - I can't really call them friends but as long as they buy their rounds I don't mind being seen with them.

Have a good weekend and take care.

I was away last weekend so did not bother with this but... I'm baaaacckkk!

I don't like it when you go to the trouble of writing someone a letter, they don't bother to reply, and you end up having to keep the hostage.

Shout out to all the non-fiction authors. Keeping it real.

Ariane Grande is actually only 5 foot 3 inches, so clearly her parents named her using the Starbucks naming system.

I've never been one for putting labels on people which is why I lost my job in the morgue.

Dieting is very hard, but I heard that black clothes are very slimming, so now every day I eat two shirts.I met a beautiful woman, and we swapped phone numbers, so now all the creepy guys call me instead.

My wife complained so much about me not fixing the toilet seat that eventually I got a brand new one, and she doesn't care about the toilet seat.

My girlfriend says I'm too suspicious. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

Enough for now. Have a good weekend and week. Take care all.

48 minutes ago, No Stars In My Eyes said:

Does a Memory Foam Mattress ever wish it could forget?

Bet mine does. The cats have… deposited the occasional hairball on it ??‍♀️

        ADVICE FROM  A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember  that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to  maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were  younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some  are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an  oversensitive woman. 

My  name is Mel. Let me relate how I handled the situation with  my wife, Maybelle. When I retired a few years ago, it became  necessary for Maybelle to get a full-time job, along with  her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health  benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working,  I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get  home from the golf club about the same time she gets home  from work. 

Although  she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to  rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I  don't yell at her.. Instead,  I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets  dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's  Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm  ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She  used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now  it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several  hours after dinner. 

I do  what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times  each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she  really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to  get them done before she goes to bed. 

Another  symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For  example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find  time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and  offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so  much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now  and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I  like to think tact is one of my strong  points. 

When  doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest  periods. She had to take a break when she was only  half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold  glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. 

I  know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Maybelle. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it  impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just  use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was  well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 
Signed, 
Mel 

EDITOR'S  NOTE: 
Mel died suddenly of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found  with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf  club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip  showing, and a sledge  hammer laying nearby.  His wife Maybelle was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not  Guilty, accepting her defense that Mel, somehow without  looking, accidentally sat down on his golf  club. 
  

A Golf Story

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing..

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.' 

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.' 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Have a good weekend.

1 hour ago, No Stars In My Eyes said:

Awww...I hate to tell y'all, but last week we missed (this is real!) National lady parts Appreciation Day. Don't even want to think about how such a 'holiday' might be celebrated!

That’s OK! You should check out what day May 7th is and you might get ideas as to how it’s celebrated ?