I noticed that this thread seems to be missing since the transfer so thought I would resurrect it. If I'm wrong and it is hiding somewhere then let me know.
OK, it's been a while so lets see if we can get this going again.
I killed a spider with a shoe earlier. I don't know how he lost the other seven.
Every selfie I have ever taken is also a portrait of a confused, elderly man trying to figure out which button to press on his phone.
People don't like me reading over their shoulder on trains or buses, which is ridiculous as I'm not even that loud and I do ALL the voices.
Red wine and fish certainly don't mix, in fact mine died.
I've just bought the dictionary as an audiobook, which says it all really.
Can anyone tell me what FOMO stands for? Everyone else seems to know.
I'm beginning to think my chiropractor is just manipulating me.
Specializes in OR, Nursing Professional Development.
1 hour ago, No Stars In My Eyes said:
Awww...I hate to tell y'all, but last week we missed (this is real!) National lady parts Appreciation Day. Don't even want to think about how such a 'holiday' might be celebrated!
That’s OK! You should check out what day May 7th is and you might get ideas as to how it’s celebrated ?
I was going to paste them in but it is far too large a list. It gets even bigger when you start looking at holiday weeks.
I did find a couple that may fit what you mean, ??
World Naked Gardening Day - May 7, 2022 (First Saturday in May), National Play Outside Day - May 7, 2022 - (First Saturday in EVERY Month) and World Beer Pong Day - May 7, 2022 (First Saturday in May).
There is also this week long holiday that fits (sorry moderators);
International privy parts Awareness Week - May 1-7, 2022 (First Full Week in May) Although some say this one should be "celebrated" every week.
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A..D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing..
As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, " Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?", she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move", answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?", the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know", explained the little boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move.
One Summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. she was about to turn off the light when he asked her with a tremor in his voice," Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother hugged him and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, " I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on-microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a b*tch to iron."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, " .... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'.
The teacher paused then asked the class," And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said: "Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, " Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy. 'I know, she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a *** is seven. Three plus six that son of a *** is nine....."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes". he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, " what are you teaching my son in math?". The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' DALLAS COWBOYS ! '
And they say blondes are dumb....
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you........
----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..
------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'Way to go, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then
I'll also try to send her a few bucks myself.'
-----------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your
wife at all.'
'Tell you the truth, me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a
great cook and good at mowing the lawn.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
--------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little
old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,....... she's
there.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
Please remember that this thread is titled "Game of Groans, Don't take anything written here seriously and don't report me to the moderators please.
MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty
movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said, "You already know how to play football!"
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
This is a bit different, try saying it out loud with a Scottish accent (think Mr. Scott from Star Trek or groundskeeper Willy from the Simpsons) and remember, in Scotland the F word is used to let you know that a noun or verb is next.
Moderators please don't ban me.
True Friendship... SCOTTISH STYLE!! (None of that Sissy shite) Are ye tired o those pish weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series o promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card . Just the stone cold truth o a great friendship.
1.... When ye are sad -- I will help you get pished and plot revenge against the b*st**d who made ye sad.
2.... When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.
3.... When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4.... When ye are scared -- I will take the pish oot o you every chance I get, until you're NOT.
5.... When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP WHINING!
6.... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.
7.... When ye are sick -- Stay the f**k away frae me until ye are well again. I don't want whatever ye've got.
8.... When ye fall, I will laugh my f**kin heed aff at you, you clumsy orifice, ..........but I'll help you up.
9.... This is my oath.... I pledge it tae the end. 'Why?' you may ask; Because you are my friend. Friendship is like pishing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 o yer closest friends, Then get depressed because ye can only think o 4 .
Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.
Okay, Grumpy, you've been carrying the weight of this thread for a while now, so when I saw a bunch of t-shirts with sayings on them, I knew I had some contributions to make! There are just a couple of repeats from my previous posts, but, oh well!
Fart when you hug people. It will make them feel strong.
Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, 'it's just not worth the jail time.'
The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without someone getting offended.
I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
That's right, I'm 70. Now leave me the hell alone.
I can't 'Go To Hell'. Satan has a restraining order against me.
I'm not weird, I'm a limited edition.
I'm not 70. I'm 18 with 52 years of experience.
I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like an effing lady.
I'm not saying I hate you, but I'd unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Not to brag, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.
TO DO LIST: 1.) Drink coffee, 2.) Try not to kill anyone. 3.) Repeat steps 1 + 2.
I thought I was in a bad mood, but it's been a couple of years now, so I guess this is who I am now.
Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I'm not short, I'm just concentrated.
The older I get, the meaner I get. I'm pretty sure it won't be long before I start biting people.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk-- I got sour and chunky.
I want to sleep, but my brain won't stop talking to itself.
I'm so tired of the bags under my eyes being bigger than my boobs.
I've been social-distancing long before the virus outbreak started.
Don't p.o. a short girl. They're like cute, adorable, little ninjas of death, who are the perfect height to punch you in the balls.
I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
I have mixed drinks about feelings.
I love it when people think they are going to punish me by not talking to me.
When a woman reaches a certain age, she starts collecting lots of cats. It's called Many-Paws.
I'm sorry, I don't take orders. I barely take suggestions.
I always give 100% at work: 13% on Monday, 22% on Tuesday, 26% on Wednesday, 35% on Thursday, and 4% on Friday.
You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions.
Okay, you read my t-shirt. That's enough social interaction for one day.
One day I was born -- then everything bothered me -- and that brings us up to date.
Stupid people are like Glow Sticks. I want to just snap them, then shake the sh*t out of them until the light comes on.
Stop asking why I'm crazy; I don't ask you why you're stupid.
Go on, keep rolling your eyes -- maybe you'll find a brain back there.
Beer is cheaper than gas, so don't drive; drink.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.
I was told to check my attitude. I did. It's still there, it's not gone anywhere. So what's the problem?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "HA-HA! You think THAT's bad? Watch THIS!
"Trust me, you CAN dance!!" said Alcohol.
It may take a whole village to raise a child, but it takes a whole liquor store to home-school one.
Oh, hey! Wait a minute! I didn't give you the finger .... you EARNED it!
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I'm awake.
I must warn you, my inner child is a mean little sh*t.
I don't have to listen to you, you're not my dog.
Yes, I could improve my attitude, but my insurance doesn't cover those kinds of medications.
I don't know how to act my age. I've never been this old before.
Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.
PS:. Apparently TOS automatically changes three letters which indicate the last three days of the week, to the word 'WOW!" It doesn't make sense that way, hence this explanation. Not that it makes a heck of a lot of difference, but still...
PS:. Apparently TOS automatically changes three letters which indicate the last three days of the week, to the word 'WOW!" It doesn't make sense that way, hence this explanation. Not that it makes a heck of a lot of difference, but still...
Thank you for that. I was looking at it and wondering if this was some American thing.? But WED, Thur, Fri, makes sense now.??
Rose_Queen, BSN, MSN, RN
6 Articles; 12,052 Posts
That’s OK! You should check out what day May 7th is and you might get ideas as to how it’s celebrated ?