Finding Balance

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Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice.

I think I'm having a hard time balancing my personal & school life.

I'm trying really hard in school (ADN program) to do well & get my RN license. I've gotten A's in all my classes & doing well in clinical w/ patients/care plans. I put a lot of effort into school because I want to be a good nurse. :nurse:

My boyfriend is proud of me but he complains that I don't "keep up the house". We live together & have been together for a really long time. He works full-time, I don't. I do all the laundry & try to maintain the cleaning & cooking but I just can't seem to do it as much as he'd like. He says that I'm not "consistent". :mad:

To me.....I can't be!!! I have an exam every 2 weeks & care plans every week. Nursing school is stressful, & although I don't technically work full-time, I'm working my butt off in school!!! He doesn't get it. He thinks that because he works full-time & I don't.....I should be able to keep the dishes clean, cook more than I do, keep the house generally clean, etc.

I honestly try hard to do these things but my priority is school. If I have an exam coming up & a pile of dishes.........I study & then do dishes either if I have time between studying or after my exam (I won't wait too long when things get nasty but you know what I mean).

We've had this fight over & over again but we just can't see each other's sides. He just can't possibly get how busy & stressful nursing school is.....even though he sees me studying ALL the time.

How does everyone else manage?? :confused:

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Specializes in LTC, Rehab, Peds.

Hi! I attend a full time LPN program and have three kids. I can understand your problem. Tell your boyfriend to back off and get over it. Your place will just be a little "messy" while you're busting your behind in school. If he doesn't like it...HE can always lift a finger himself.

My husband has taken up the slack in our house while I'm in school. He now gets the kids on the bus, straightens the house when he can and fills and empties the dishwasher as needed. I still cook and do all the laundry. Yes, the house tends to be a little messy as two of the kids are under 8 years, but that's life. My family and friends know I'm in school and working hard, so they overlook a little clutter.

You have a lot on your plate and worrying about a spotless home shouldn't be one of them. We've come a long way, baby. Don't let him drag you back to the 1950's.

Good Luck :)

Michele

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My husband went through nursing school before I did; he graduated, then I started attending last fall. So, he understands. But if I were in your shoes and my boyfriend hassled me *at all* about the housework, he'd be pulling my foot out of his rear-end. I'm the kind of woman who, if I'm pushed, will only wash my own clothes and my own dishes and leave all of his stuff just to make a point. ;)

In all seriousness, this needs to be dealt with before you two ever move to the next level because it sounds to me like he feels entitled to be taken care of and not act as part of a team. He helps dirty the house, he should help in cleaning it. If he won't, then he has no right to gripe about the conditions he lives in. I'm not one to spoon-feed anyone who is perfectly capable of helping. I know this doesn't help you much in terms of advice, but it always chaps me to hear about a man who expects his significant other to stand in for his mommy.

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Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice.
My husband went through nursing school before I did; he graduated, then I started attending last fall. So, he understands. But if I were in your shoes and my boyfriend hassled me *at all* about the housework, he'd be pulling my foot out of his rear-end. I'm the kind of woman who, if I'm pushed, will only wash my own clothes and my own dishes and leave all of his stuff just to make a point. ;)

In all seriousness, this needs to be dealt with before you two ever move to the next level because it sounds to me like he feels entitled to be taken care of and not act as part of a team. He helps dirty the house, he should help in cleaning it. If he won't, then he has no right to gripe about the conditions he lives in. I'm not one to spoon-feed anyone who is perfectly capable of helping. I know this doesn't help you much in terms of advice, but it always chaps me to hear about a man who expects his significant other to stand in for his mommy.

Tell me about i!!!!!!!!!! I feel the SAME way you do. You're right on about the mommy thing. He's an only child & mommy still does a lot for him. I love her though b/c she helps me too.....she'll bring dinner over b/c she knows I'm studying, etc. but at the same time, I think it did make my BF feel entitled to getting what he wants.

He says all he's asking for is for me to "help him" - I honestly feel I do more than him so I think that's a bunch of BS!!! :eek:

Can you believe we've been together over 9 years too....lol.

I'm just frustrated right now........thanks for the replies :heartbeat

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He needs to understand that school IS work. Just because you're not getting paid doesn't mean you're not working. I'd be willing to bet you're putting in more than the 40hrs/wk or whatever that he is. I think he's just being a brat. Does he think you shouldn't study? That schoolwork is finished at the end of the lecture? Don't we all wish!

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Specializes in MSP, Informatics.

I agree with the poster above. School is work. And work is work... how supportive will he be if you get stuck pulling a few double shifts once you land a job? or if you go on to management and are working all the time? Or a specialty area, where you may be on call all the time.

you need a significant other that can evolve with you and your situation. like all men, my hubby sometimes starts whinning about all the hours I spend at work, or the trips I have to take for advanced training. I tell him to put on his big boy panties and deal with it. I don't nag him when he goes on a hunting trip, and I have to deal with the homestead. I love my job and don't mind spending the extra hours at work. But I don't want to do marathon cleaning, cooking and baking when I get home. And that is just something he had to get used to. we both chip in. and he realizes he didn't marry betty crocker.

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Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice.

You said it perfectly - evolve with me & my situation. I just don't know how to make him understand.

He came home from work a little early yesterday & took a nice nap :yawn: ....then today (I've been studying since 9 am.) after we had lunch together (& after our little fight), he tells me he's gonna take a quick nap :eek: MUST BE NICE!!

I almost told him "Instead of all these naps, how about some cleaning, maybe some dishes??" :devil: Lucky for him, I don't have the time or strength to continue fighting right now.

Thanks for all the replies, advice, & allowing me to vent - I know you guys get it :redbeathe

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Specializes in Cardiac care/Ortho/LTC/Education/Psych.

I am hearing this story every day from students who complains to me about their home and friends and everything else that goes on while in school. The best way is to set up the time for him to see what you are doing during week . Like every credit you are bearing you need 4 hours of studying during the week so lets count hours of " work" . If he does not see it as hours then there is a question how much of schooling he actually did himself and not to ask if he did nursing because he DID NOT!!

So, when you present him your schedule you say something like this "OK, I can do more work in house but it will mean failing my class. What is your final goal having educated happy professional in your home with you and have house so so , or having your home spotless without me inside of it to enjoy it with you ?" You can not do it !!!! SO , only way you CAN do it is if you decide that your school is not as important as your BF and then pray that you will pass with mediocre knowledge and still have that so important house clean . You need to make a choice here yourself. Personally , my house does not represent my brain and my heart and I think that nursing has a BIG heart and BIG brain,and house so so .

Good luck to you on your decision.

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Specializes in OB/GYN, Peds, School Nurse, DD.
Tell me about i!!!!!!!!!! I feel the SAME way you do. You're right on about the mommy thing. He's an only child & mommy still does a lot for him. I love her though b/c she helps me too.....she'll bring dinner over b/c she knows I'm studying, etc. but at the same time, I think it did make my BF feel entitled to getting what he wants.

He says all he's asking for is for me to "help him" - I honestly feel I do more than him so I think that's a bunch of BS!!! :eek:

Can you believe we've been together over 9 years too....lol.

I'm just frustrated right now........thanks for the replies :heartbeat

No, I can't believe you have put up with this immature behavior for 9 years. :uhoh3: I think you have way more problems than nursing school. This is a relationship problem. And if you think this is going to change when/if you decide to make it permanent, you are sadly mistaken. You say his mother does a lot for him. Well, just so you know, that will never change, not at his age. He *and SHE* like it this way.. He's a grown man who is used to being waited on. He has no incentive to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook a meal or anything else--he has 24hr Mommy Care. She may have trained him but you are maintaining him. If you're fine with taking care of an adult Man-Boy, knock yourself out. But it sounds like you're NOT fine with it.

I do sympathize with you. Nursing school is more than a full-time job. My own mother didn't get it until SHE went to nursing school. Personally, I don't know that you can do any more than you're doing. I will tell you this,if you confront him or try to change things, he is going to buck up against it. And his mother will be in his court. Only you can decide if you're willing to change your life. You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it. :nurse:

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Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice.

You're right - I'm definitely not ok with it. And I definitely don't expect things to change if we were to get married. I'm actually ok with cooking & cleaning (he does help occasionally - he doesn't just sit there & watch me) - it's just that my priorities are school right now.

Believe me, if he acted like I had to do 100% of the housework while he sits w/ a beer - that would not happen.

The problem is that he thinks I should be helping out "more" than what I am right now which is the frustrating part for me.

He actually came upstairs & proposed we take a day or two our of our schedules to clean together so we're both taking part in the maintenance of our home - that works for me...

Like I said - I'm just super frustrated that he doesn't understand that because I don't get paid for the work I do - I'm still working! Like one of the posters mentioned above - I definitely work way more than 40 hrs/week. The fact that he doesn't get that, upsets me.

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Specializes in OB/GYN, Peds, School Nurse, DD.
I definitely work way more than 40 hrs/week. The fact that he doesn't get that, upsets me.

I agree with you. Nursing school is like doing 5 12-hr shifts a week, maybe more. I never worked so hard (well, maybe, if you count working nights in the NICU with 3 little kids at home:clown:) If you don't want to confront and are okay with continuing to take care of him, that's fine. Lots of women like that sort of thing. All I'm saying is if you are bothered by it, then you need to be the one to address it. Either get okay with the fact that nothing's going to change or do something about it. As I see it the two of you need to sit down, decide what the chores are, and divide them up--he gets half and you get half. And each of you has to be responsible to do your chores and not have to be reminded or asked.

The fact that he doesn't get it is not the problem.You can't change his mind or his actions. All you can change is your reaction to them.:nurse:

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Specializes in M/S, MICU, CVICU, SICU, ER, Trauma, NICU.

Don't take this wrong.

I wouldn't put up with a guy like that; I don't want that kind in my life.

But that's me.

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