Fighting with your signifigant other while in school...

commonsense · Oct 12, 2011

That's the tough thing about relationships, you're always around your significant other and you know them so well. One of the reasons you can act so sympathetic and understanding toward your patients is because you just met them and it is your job to take care of them. From reading your post it sounds like your relationship is suffering from the number one reason relationships suffer, communication problems. It will get better after you get out of school, I can all but guarantee you that. Like you said you have so much on your plate between school, work, clinicals, and home, after you get out of school this workload drops in half. You'll be taking care of work and home life and school and clinicals will be over (unless you're continuing school). I would try to communicate with your boyfriend and see what his issue is, my guess is he's angry you don't have enough time to spend with him but doesn't know how to tell you.

Bob_N_VA · Oct 13, 2011

It sounds like you're both being affected by stress. It might be your stress from having to juggle school and home life and your changing role or it could also be something stressing him that we don't know about. One thing stress will do to you is cause you to focus inward and that does not help any relationship you are in. So perhaps he is reacting to changes in your behavior that you may not be aware of. Or maybe its a little bit of both.

Commonsense is right in that once you get out of school and can lead a more normal life things should improve. Talking openly with him is where you need to start. I wouldn't assume it's "his issue" as he does, he may have a legitimate cause to feel slighted, no way for any of us to know that. He sounds like a keeper, he's backed you up this far. There are lots of slugs out there, hopefully you found one of the good ones.

allnurses Guide · Oct 13, 2011

I am answering this under the assumption that your relationship is otherwise good (ie: not abusive etc).

You sound beyond stressed. There is a good chance he is indicating needs to you that you are rebuffing/ignoring/missing because you are already overloaded. Sometimes the solution to that is to back off the "required" things and take a look at what really matters...and for most of us, if we have a good partner, having someone to love tops that list.

Take a night off. Off from school. Off from work. Tell him you are doing it because you miss him. Plan a night together doing what you love most. Reconnect physically and emotionally (yes, I mean sex..and GOOD sex, not just "check the box" sex). Express your appreciation for him. Be vulnerable. Ask for his help with your stress level. In general, our fellas love to fix things for us.

Put him on the priority list. I know, I know...it is full already and he is a grown adult yadda yadda. Be that as it may, a relationship needs nurturing and the people we love do too, individually. Make sure his goals figure in here too, that you sometimes talk about what he wants, needs, feels, experiences in a day. If you can get ready for your day outside the bedroom, do that. Take your scrubs/clothes and all you will need into the bathroom and close the door, or install a full length mirror somewhere in the living room if your apartment is small. He has indicated something you can do to help nurture him better - let him get his sleep. So even if he did it in a way that was less than ideal, acknowledge the communication. The message was clear... "I feel you are being inconsiderate". You may feel this is unjustified or that he should understand since you are so stressed or that he should have said something about it before now. Be that as it may, if it is within your power to, do something about it. You don't have to move heaven and earth, just something that lets him know you heard him.

It is hard to know from one post, but it does sound like he just misses you. Remind him often how soon graduation is...and express excitement sometimes instead of stress. Share that with him - you are doing this together. Hang in there! It is normal to fight when things get rough...but it is also normal to have relationships start falling apart then. Take the time...MAKE the time...to nurture your relationship the rest of the way through school. Every now and then make a point to think about all he has done to make this possible for you, or what things you have gone through together or what little things he does (put gas in your car? Load the dishwasher? Fold the socks? Get the oil changed? Bring you a sandwich? Kiss your head while you are studying? Warm your feet at night?) and see them as the message of love they are.

The key to happiness is gratitude. Focus on the things that are going right...and then share those thoughts with him. It will help him reframe things too.

Best of luck.

sandyfeet · Oct 13, 2011

I am in a really similar situation as you, living with my boyfriend. It can be really stressful sometimes because you're not 'married' and not 'just dating'...so you're living with someone, and it might not work out, or it might work out for the rest of your life, and while all of that is going on you are going through a nursing program that requires all of your energy and attention! I can tell my boyfriend is starting to feel like a piece of furniture or being taken for granted when we start arguing over dumb things.

I try to make time for just us, even little things like sitting on the couch together for 15 minutes after dinner, so that I am still being a part of the relationship. Right now we are all going through something so big that it's easy to only think me, me, me, but sometimes we have to stop and spend some energy on the people supporting us through this. I guess what I am trying to say is that this is something you always have to work on, and you have to pick your battles. But it gets better once you find your pattern.

I don't think it has ANY bearings on how well you will be as a nurse! Your personal life and your professional life are two separate entities. Unless you are doing really horrible things in your personal life, it's not related. Feeling like you can't get along with your boyfriend while you are totally stressed out is kind of normal, actually, because that is one part of your life that you can manipulate (you mentioned how everything else on your plate is necessary and has to be done). I would advise not to make any major life decisions right now and try your best to carve out little spaces of time for him, and see if that helps.

ladside, BSN, MSN, LPN, RN · Oct 13, 2011

My husband served me with divorce papers the day before my CPNE begin (last 3 days needed to complete my ASN degree)....one last attempt to get me to fail. My response to him? "You just made another man very happy!" Took me a minute to find another man, though, but my NEW husband is very grateful to him for being such an a$$.

Your situation is different than mine, though, since there are no papers and legalities tied to yours. But it appears that it's like the others said, he may be feeling neglected, especially if he is so supportive as to pay for expenses for you. He may even think that maybe you will leave once you get your degree behind him. Do something special to reassure him that the two of you are still good.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Oct 14, 2011

one thing you should be aware of: as nurses, we always seem to take responsibility for the relationship, even though we should realize (more than intellectually) that any relationship is 50/50. i stayed with a man (x) (starting in undergraduate school, through 7 years of work, two years of grad school, and a bit beyond) who started out irritably saying things like, "why don't you go study in the other room?" and then gradually, gradually became more and more abusive, so gradually that i didn't even notice it, until i had two little kids and massive bruising. that last got my attention; divorce is harder than nursing school but it beats being with someone who doesn't respect you, doesn't think your life choices are worth spit, and thinks that if only you would do (fill in the blank) then everything would be perfect....but it's never enough.

i have been married now for more than two decades to a man who worships me (and i him), and who was an excellent father to my children and is now a wonderful grandpa to their children. he often says that if x had been just a little less of an a****le, he wouldn't be married to me now, and he's right. but i wish i'd noticed sooner.

i'm not making any judgment about your relationship, because you haven't told us that much, but remember that one of the fat man's laws (look them up :)) is that in any emergency the first pulse to take is your own. if you don't take care of yourself, you can't maintain your half of a healthy relationship and you can't presume to take care of anyone else.

good luck to you.

cookie91 · Oct 14, 2011

Hey girl. I feel for you.

" Btwn work, school, clinicals and home, I feel like maybe I'm not cut out for this....if I can't take care of and be sympathetic towards someone I love so much, can I really like be like that towards patients"

DO NOT correlate how wonderful you are to the way you treat your bf and patients. It is completely irrelevant. Being a nursing student is hard work and it requires a strong support system even if it's just your SO. He should be treating you like the queen you deserve to be. I am serious you deserve better than that. The only way to adjust that is by respecting your priorities and setting your standards with him. He should know and feel that you can live without him. You are a happy woman and if he brings you down you should kick him to the curb. Love and fear come from the same part of the brain and maybe he is just too comfortable in the relationship.

Please for yourself, not for your family or him FINISH nursing school. You can regret being with him later. Your degree will make you stand loud and proud.

One more thing if there is any book that will help you with this. TRUST ME buy it or borrow it. Your percpective on him will change

"Why men love *******" by sherry argov. TRUST ME it's all the advice you need. It's the best book I invested in when it came to relationships. Look it up on amazon. :)

Good luck and keep your head high

Bob_N_VA · Oct 14, 2011

Hey girl. I feel for you.
He should be treating you like the queen you deserve to be. I am serious you deserve better than that. The only way to adjust that is by respecting your priorities and setting your standards with him. He should know and feel that you can live without him. You are a happy woman and if he brings you down you should kick him to the curb.

Kick him to the curb? That's a bit extreme, especially since you don't know anything about the situation other than what the OP wrote and seem to be pinning all the blame on him. Perhaps you are projecting your own bad experiences here? I've always thought it takes two to tango and would counsel both parties to open up and talk to get through this or at least figure out where they want to go. By her own words she is overwhelmed between the home life and her role as a care giver. Don't try and spin her up even more, that won't help anything.

And for the OP, sdemt, just try and slow down a bit. You are not drowning, you will get through all this. You reached out for some help and you got some feedback. But the internet is not the place for you to resolve this issue, even if its with well meaning wanna-be nurses. Seek out some folks you trust, family or friends you can to talk to and lean on, and especially keep the communication going with him.

milksteak · Oct 15, 2011

I feel like I'm in the same boat as you! This definitely doesn't reflect your patient care.. this is your LIVE IN BOYFRIEND! You will get sick of each other and want to kill each other. Is he upset that you're not giving him enough attention? With me, I know when my NOW ex-boyfriend would feel neglected, he'd get very angry and lash out at the stupidest things.. mostly money. He should understand how hard you're working for your degree and that his needs are gonna need to step aside for a while. You two should talk and set some time strictly for each other, it appears you two are slipping away from each other and needs some good one on one time to rekindle the respect & love.

cookie91 · Oct 15, 2011

Yes bob you are right on that... But if she is trying to communicate and he still does not want to listen, picks little fights to make her feel even worse about the situation than she has to stand up for herself and not accept that treatment. She is trying to complete a very rigourus program and she may be better off without him for the moment. Besides man don't listen with words they listen with actions. The last resort would be to take a break so she can focus on herself not the relationship that's affecting her school work.

Keep working hard and don't let any distractions come in your way. You are going to be a wonderful nurse! I can already tell how caring you are by your post. Keep your mind focus on the prize. Speak with him about how it is affecting you and your school work. If he is still pushing for attention you need to think for yourself and your success and do what is best for you.

You are going to do great.

sdemt · Oct 18, 2011

thank you everyone for your insight and advice. I think maybe he does feel neglected and he missed a chance for medical school right out of college so I think him seeing me go through nursing school and being almost done just brings up bad feelings for him, but nothing against me directly, you know? the past couple of days have been good, I hope they get better, I think I really do need to re focus and remember the things I am grateful for and spending better quality time with my man would make a big difference! Thanks again everybody!!