Failed at being a Nurse

[sunmaidliz]

Where is the point where you have to admit to yourself that you have failed at this profession? About six months ago I got a job at a blood bank, thanking my lucky stars I finally got the job. I went through their extensive training, had some difficulty with phlebotomy, got reprimanded for not saying the right things to donors, and got my probation extended for another three months where they were going to give me even more training time. I shadowed other RNs on the mobile drives and with two weeks before my second 90 probation time was over, I was finally able to head up my own blood drive. I did well working the smaller busses with a small staff and had did well working a large high school blood drive with about 80 staff on deck. But I had been feeling exhausted and drained and this one Friday, I was having a rough day. Long story short, I had a conflict with the blood drive's chairperson. She felt I was yelling at her students. I told her I wasn't and was just explaining the company's policy regarding donor permission slips. She got in my face. I got upset. She called my boss and complained. My boss got in her own personal vehicle and drove me off the property. I was fired the following Monday.

Stuff happens. I would shake this off except that since I graduated from nursing school in 2011, I haven't been able to keep a job beyond the probation period. I have finally knitted together one year experience, but that has been spread out over three jobs in three years. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and can't come to a definitive conclusion why I can't keep a job in nursing. I don't think I have such an abrasive personality that bosses find me intolerable. I get along with my coworkers and those who I don't click with I treat with courtesy and respect. I think the reason why I have such difficulty is because I think I come across as incompetent.

I had a brain tumor removed about 10 years ago along with two months of radiation therapy. Wow, has it been 10 years? It seems like a long time. Overall, I'm recovered 100%. In fact, I went completed nursing school. So it seems like I should be fine, right? I do have some deficits that don't trouble me in my day-to-day life. I have a poor short term working memory and I'm not the best at things that are step-by-step procedures. It takes me a long time to learn things but I'm extremely competent once I learn. Looking back on all three jobs I realized my problems began learning the fundamentals and tasks of the job. I would forget how to fill out certain paper work or what needed to be done in terms of hospital policy. Seemingly easy things I would have difficulty mastering and would need to be told repeatedly how to do something. One of the complaints I had from one of my bosses is that it seemed as if I need to have my hand constantly held. I have a hard time catching small details and make tiny detailed oriented mistakes. At my job at the blood bank, the trouble started when I had difficulty with the elaborate steps of the phlebotomy procedure. In my evaluation I was said to be a very good venipuncturist but it was learning the procedure that was difficult for me. And it was. I would forget a tiny step that would, in blood banking, would be catastrophic, causing pain or injury to the donor, or contamination of the blood unit. I had 50 sticks to learn and was expected to run two donations simultaneously by 15 sticks. I think by about 35 sticks I was confident in being able to run two beds and they required me an extra 25 sticks before I was deemed competent at the procedure. My error rate was extremely high and on several of the paper work I would forget something small, yet vital, like an initial. That would result in the entire unit being discarded. And in blood banking, blood is money. About $500.

I think my biggest problem is that I come across as incompetent. I will truthfully admit that I'm not very confident on the job but in all honesty, I have trouble remembering things. So of course I have no confidence in myself. But couple that with my apparent incompetence and then my managers don't have confidence in me. I end up getting the job done but I make a lot of mistakes. And... worst of all, I cry easy. I have a hard time controlling my emotions and my tears. No matter how hard I try to hold back and compose myself I end up crying uncontrollably. And those episodes usually happen when my manager pulls me in to talk to me about the problems they are having with me.

Ever since I had brain surgery I have trouble controlling my emotional response. In fact, I suffer from a lot of anxiety and depression. I will have ups and down and if I am fatigued, I will feel anxious, agitated, easily frustrated and cry easy. And I was feeling fatigued the day that chairperson got in my face. I will admit, I didn't keep my cool. It's too bad the company didn't want to keep me.

It's been a hard month for me since I've gotten fired. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if I should give up nursing or keep trying to find my niche. I wish I could do a desk job where I don't have to deal with tasks and procedures. But unfortunately, those positions are for experienced nurses. I feel like I've fallen down the ladder in experience. I went from med-surg, to LTC, to blood banking, each job easier than the other. And I still have trouble.

I know I can do this job. Once I learn the job I am actually pretty good at it. I found it ironic that when I was fired from blood banking I was told thatwhile I may be good at the technical part, it is the interpersonal part that makes me not a good fit. And when I was fired from med-surg I was told I have an excellent bedside manner but have trouble with the technical portions of the job.

I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't know where to go forward from here. I don't know how to make this career that I spent a lot of time and money getting work for me. They say something at my nursing school and that after interviewing me they accepted me. I passed my classes and passed boards on the first try in 90 questions. I have what it takes. So why am I having such difficulty? Is it time to throw in the towel and admit failure?

I need advice from my fellow nurses.

[kiszi, RN]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I strongly encourage you to seek professional help for your anxiety/emotional instability as well as your memory issues. You've taken a huge step in working to identify what is causing you to have difficulties. It is vitally important to address those issues or history will continue to repeat itself.

If a refresher course is an option for you, it's something worth considering to help strengthen your skills and confidence.

[sunmaidliz]

There has been no long term studies done on the effects of traumatic brain injury and having surgery and radiation is essentially what I have. I do think I need to talk to a professional about this decision and maybe come up with strategies on how I can work around these problems. Maybe some new medication or some cognitive behavioral therapy. The problem is I need a job and I need to work. It is a heavy strain and burden on my husband and family not to work. Ive been thinking of finding a job any job elsewhere and then taking refresher courses at a later date. Its hard to admit failure and it feels demoralizing. I want to be emotionally fulfilled in my career as the next person.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I strongly encourage you to seek professional help for your anxiety/emotional instability as well as your memory issues. You've taken a huge step in working to identify what is causing you to have difficulties. It is vitally important to address those issues or history will continue to repeat itself.

This.

There are therapists that can help with memory rehabilitation, or it could be your anxiety or depression could be at the heart of this, and need to be worked on; once you get at the heart of it, you can go on a find your niche. I understand the burden part, but if your not healthy, how are you going to be happy and able to help out and function?

There are plenty of us that can relate. Take care of yourself, and go from there.

((((HUGS))))

If you are looking for another position, wellness clinics may be in the area to supplement your income.

I think taking care of yourself first is paramount to finding out the root cause before throwing in the towel or finding another position.

Best wishes.

[sunmaidliz]

Thanks for rhe advice and support. I bet you all know what its like to have that one coworker who just cant seem to pull her weight. Please be nice to her and support her. Its usually when my coworkers start complaining about me and begin to get short with me do the problems start to snowball. Sometimes I think if all nurses had each others back and wouldnt back bite and bully the weakest link or eat their young I think there would be a lot more nurses who are satisfied with the profession. Remember we went into this profession to help others and that help should extend to our fellow coworkers.

[Curious1alwys, BSN, RN]

I don't know, I never had a brain tumor or surgery but I thought of myself all through your post. So, point being, might not be a brain tumor thing as much as an anxiety/depression thing. What I am finding out though, unfortunately, is that there are no quick fixes. Honestly, unmedicated, I don't know if nurses with real anxiety disorders/panic can exist in nursing. It's just not a good combo. Definitly does not do much for clear thinking. I struggle with this every day! ....Hugs to you but I have zero real advice.

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

Short term memory problems are essentially a deal-breaker for most direct care jobs. Direct care clinical work requires cognitive multitasking on a continuous basis. I just don't see how a safe level of practice could be maintained without this ability.

The long-term consequences of TBI are still largely unknown. However, I would suggest that - at the very least - a very thorough diagnostic work-up by a neuro-psychiatrist qualified to practice in this highly specialized area. At best, it will provide insight about effective compensation for memory issues & at minimal, may also provide essential information for a disability claim.

[Gentleman_nurse, MSN]

sunmaidliz I hope you're still around to read this.

You didn't fail. They failed you. Most learners will master a task or subject after X days, weeks, months or years. Some will take less time. Others will take more time. All are equal when proficient.

[caliotter3]

I would have no problem with writing down a step by step "cheat sheet" for procedures and having these on one or more clipboards, then having a colored "place" sheet to bring down over each step as I go through the steps. You have a right to learn how to compensate in order to be able to do the job. I've made cheat sheets for job duties before. However, your emotional situation is another bag of chips. That will do it for you more times than not, when it comes to getting in trouble. This area will require more effort and intervention to make things easier for you. Would not suggest you move on to another career until you have exhausted all efforts at making it work. And before you leave nursing, look at areas where you can better fit in. Chart review, auditing immediately comes to mind. Sure, just paperwork, but important paperwork, and the charts don't get upset with you. Look for other options and think how they might work for you. Best wishes.

[Tron8622]

I think you just havent found the right area / job / state to work in . I work in a states area or region and failed to even learn they where # 1 in the world . after a few years I learned healthcare was different in other regions . In fact they sucked . They where just hiring due to people leaving becuase how bad it was working there and when they try to blame you .... boy . They make you feel bad . just apply or get jobs at better areas or better hospitals stop settling . take your time on your next job . Your not crazy but your jobs sound crazy .