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Exhausted; I want a way out.

Nurses   (13,729 Views | 141 Replies)

KalipsoRed21 has 12 years experience as a BSN and specializes in Currently: Home Health.

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You are reading page 3 of Exhausted; I want a way out.. If you want to start from the beginning Go to First Page.

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16 minutes ago, KalipsoRed21 said:

I do believe I should have gone buck wild and found any man to father a kid with.  My purpose in putting myself through school, finding a good partner, and continuously dealing with a career that sucks my soul dry was the goal of supporting family of my own. To be the kind of person that I could role model to my children to. Without the children there is no point in continuing to any of it. I don’t want it all, I want something for all this effort that I can give a *** about. I don’t even come close to having it all. I love my husband and he is my friend, but my husband is not the love of my life. The love of my life is married to someone else. I don’t love being a nurse, it was not ‘a calling’ for me. At one point in my life I liked people, my dad had diabetes and I wanted to understand his illness better, and my friend was going to nursing school. That is how I became a nurse. I don’t give a *** about other people’s children. Not that I wish them a poor life or anything. But people love their kids and have a tendency to micromanage non parent interactions...I am an Aunt and my own sister won’t allow me to even slightly admonished (not spanking, not pushing, just telling them no when they like write on the wall or something) her kids due to she doesn’t feel like I do it appropriately. You can’t have a relationship with children you can’t be yourself with without fear that someone is going to take that interaction away because they don’t approve of your point of view. This is also kind of why adoption or fostering does not read into something that would work well for me. If birth parents don’t have to have a home inspection and take parenting classes, then it really doesn’t make sense to put people through that kind of scrutiny if they are wanting to open their home to parent an orphan. A background check, sure, much else, not really. I really don’t know what I wrote to make you think ‘I want it all’.  I’ve made a lot of compromises to get this close to having a family to have it not work out. And the statement, “ It is all about who and how you go about it.” Is how I got here. That is the whole point. It doesn’t matter who and how you go about it. I did everything in my power to who and how about it the best possible way and I don’t have anything I care for to show for it. So what was the point? 

 

 

For some reason you chose your husband and he is not the love of your life but you expected to have it all? It is rare that a woman has it all because sometimes things like your situation come up. People are so busy going about their life that they don't have time to make sure every single thing lines up perfectly,or at the moment they aren't worried about it (time flies), a person could be infertile, and family members don't always get along (you may have a mother in law from helz who tries to destroy your marrage) etc.  I am not saying all of this applies to you, I am just making the point that it is still best to try and do things right like you did, minus marrying someone who isn't the love of your life. I hope you can find peace in this situation and find a way to make the choices that will give you peace but also consider the responsibility that comes with bringing a child into this world. There are some kids that aren't happy about being born so just love that kid and do the best you can for it, if you do happen to have one, one day. It is good to be in a healthy state of mind so you can be fully present for the child. It's 2019. There are so many options when it comes to having a child and so many different types of parents running households. However try not to get desperate because you are in a bad place right now and make an impulsive decision that you may later regret. 

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Are you sure your husband wants children? The more I read through this thread the more it seems your husband is not supportive. I don't think the problem is your job, it's your lack of a support system. I'm a single mom because I had to get rid of my toxic, abusive narcissistic ex. Sometimes it's better to be alone than with someone who's not supportive and feel miserable. It can be trying at times but I don't regret anything.

I'm not advocating for divorce but what I'm saying is you need to have a sit down and deep conversation with the hubby and truly gauge his interest in having children. If he's the reason you can't get pregnant, why would he be against fostering/adoption? I don't think it has anything to do with his sister's children but moreso his ego because he can't make babies at the time. He also doesn't care because he already has children and is insensitive to your needs/wants of being a parent. His mindset appears to be "been there, done that so I'm good" which also shows lack of support, caring. We don't know your husband, you do. Only you will know if he's being genuine during y'all conversation. If he's unwilling to take it serious you have your answer. If he's not concerned with your feelings you have your answer. If he's willing to give it a real shot and/or adopt/foster you have your answer. Either way, you'll be able to get a solid understanding of where you two stand. Relationships don't work if one feels their wants/needs don't matter to the other. Y'all supposed to work as a team, give and take, not take and take, give and give.

Sit down, take a deep breath and think of where you want to see yourself in 5 years. Put some serious thought into it and work towards that goal. Don't let anyone deter your path, hubby included. When you set a goal and visualize it you have a path to get there. Also, getting a day job, M-F at a clinic or something of that realm will help with the work related stress. Please seek counseling if you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes talking it out with someone face to face and getting an unbiased opinion helps us. I've been there with cPTSD after my ex and I can tell you it was well worth it.

Condolences on the miscarriage and hope it all works out for you.

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Hi,

     Can you work block time only for your agency? I work for one that does allow for field nurses to work block time without doing short "visits".  I work for Aveanna which is in many states....maybe one near you that you won't have to drive so far to patients. I wish you relief and comfort! Donna R.N.

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blumuffy has 21 years experience as a MSN, RN.

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Whatever you do please keep talking-you don't need to keep this bottled up. We here support you-we all have challenges and need help! It's too hard going it alone.

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Nurse SMS has 9 years experience as a MSN, RN and specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

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I am sorry you aren't getting what you want from life. It sounds like you are grieving.

I am uncomfortable with the conjectures from a poster above of what your spouse may or may not be feeling. I know at age 48 the idea of starting over with littles would be absolutely alarming. I can't fathom doing it at my age. I believe that feeling would only compound as I age. I imagine most people feel that way as they enter their golden years.

Your unhappiness over not becoming a mother is looking for a place to land, so it lights on your career, your spouse, your past choices, your upbringing etc. It is always concerning to me when I see someone put this much importance on becoming a parent. That much pressure is a lot, both to put on you and, honestly, to put on a child. Even if you have one, it isn't going to be what you think.

I hope you can make peace with all these things that are outside of your control. You sound incredibly sad and angry and it makes me sad to read it. Take good care of yourself.

 

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48 minutes ago, not.done.yet said:

I am sorry you aren't getting what you want from life. It sounds like you are grieving.

I am uncomfortable with the conjectures from a poster above of what your spouse may or may not be feeling. I know at age 48 the idea of starting over with littles would be absolutely alarming. I can't fathom doing it at my age. I believe that feeling would only compound as I age. I imagine most people feel that way as they enter their golden years.

Your unhappiness over not becoming a mother is looking for a place to land, so it lights on your career, your spouse, your past choices, your upbringing etc. It is always concerning to me when I see someone put this much importance on becoming a parent. That much pressure is a lot, both to put on you and, honestly, to put on a child. Even if you have one, it isn't going to be what you think.

I hope you can make peace with all these things that are outside of your control. You sound incredibly sad and angry and it makes me sad to read it. Take good care of yourself.

 

Why are you uncomfortable? She clearly stated where her spouse stands on the issue and him not being supportive.

Additionally, what part of she and her spouse need to have a sit down and discuss this & only she will know if he means well or not did you miss?

You may not have gone through this, but having an unsupportive spouse and wanting/having children is very real. I spoke from MY experience and gave advice based on that along with what OP has expressed. You're uncomfortable reading it, imagine living it!

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Davey Do has 41 years experience and specializes in Psych, CD, HH, Admin, LTC, OR, ER, Med Surge.

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18 hours ago, KalipsoRed21 said:

Actually that is the thing. To live a full productive life I do feel I need to have children. I absolutely feel that without children I have very little in this life.

And what if those children turn out to be apathetic parasitic soul-suckers who are incapable of returning the love you give? 

That's rather harsh and blunt, I know. But in my 62 years of living, I have seen numerous cases of people scramble around taking shots in the dark searching for happiness only to be disappointed because happiness cannot come from external gratification!

True happiness comes from within; being at peace with oneself.

Thanks again for allowing me to voice my perspective!

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TriciaJ has 39 years experience as a RN and specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.

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24 minutes ago, Davey Do said:

And what if those children turn out to be apathetic parasitic soul-suckers that are incapable of returning the love you give? 

That's rather harsh and blunt, I know. But in my 62 years of living, I have seen numerous cases of people scramble around taking shots in the dark searching for happiness only to be disappointed because happiness cannot come from external gratification!

True happiness comes from within; being at peace with oneself.

Thanks again for allowing me to voice my perspective!

I think you're right on, Davey.  I've been bummed at times about not having children.  (Similar to OP, I had an unsupportive and infertile spouse.  When life got better with a better man we were both a bit past it.)  Then I look around at all the bullets I dodged and realize it's just one more of life's big trade-offs.  I also found (especially as a nurse) that there was no shortage of people and situations in the world that needed mothering.

I'm thinking OP really needs to find a good therapist to help her clarify just what need would be satisfied by having children and how to make it all work out for the best.

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WestCoastSunRN has 20 years experience as a BSN and specializes in CVICU, MICU, Burn ICU.

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2 hours ago, not.done.yet said:

Your unhappiness over not becoming a mother is looking for a place to land, so it lights on your career, your spouse, your past choices, your upbringing etc. It is always concerning to me when I see someone put this much importance on becoming a parent. That much pressure is a lot, both to put on you and, honestly, to put on a child. Even if you have one, it isn't going to be what you think.

These ^ are such wise words.

To the OP, my heart goes out to you.  You are experiencing a great disappointment.  This is hard to put in words, but being a parent is fulfilling, but in a very unexpected way.  Your thoughts right now are very focused on how you are not fulfilled.  As it turns out, parenting ends up not at all being a way to fulfill the parent.  I quickly realized it is not about me and my happiness at all.  I would not trade my children for the world, I am just saying they are not what you will find fulfillment in.  In fact, it is not fair to put that responsibility on any other human being.

I have someone very close to me who has experienced MUCH of what you have and are.  She made all the right decisions in life, but they did not end up being conducive to starting a family, even though she wanted it with all her heart.  That ship has sailed now, but over the years I have watched her blossom into one of the most giving, self-less people I know who has impacted far more young lives through her work and lifestyle than she could have as a mom to one or three kiddos.  Things didn't turn out according to her grand scheme, but she has a loving partner and a full life and they do good things together.  I am pretty sure she would now say she would not trade that ... even for the chance to have had her own kids.

I second or third the suggestion that you get some counseling, as you sound defeated and stuck -- no shame in that -- we all need help sometimes.

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Davey Do has 41 years experience and specializes in Psych, CD, HH, Admin, LTC, OR, ER, Med Surge.

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7 minutes ago, TriciaJ said:

I think you're right on, Davey.  I've been bummed at times about not having children.  (Similar to OP, I had an unsupportive and infertile spouse.  When life got better with a better man we were both a bit past it.)  Then I look around at all the bullets I dodged and realize it's just one more of life's big trade-offs.  I also found (especially as a nurse) that there was no shortage of people and situations in the world that needed mothering.

I'm thinking OP really needs to find a good therapist to help her clarify just what need would be satisfied by having children and how to make it all work out for the best.

Usually I copy an excerpted portion of a post on which to comment. Every word of your post, TriciaJ, required copying due to the truths found within.

To transcend one's situation and find happiness and/or contentment within that situation is an earmark of a person with higher consciousness.

Endeavoring to clarify a so-called need, which would in reality is a want, could result in an illuminating revelation. Most don't want to have to deal with the hoeing of a rough row involved in self-assessment and realization, experiencing the trials and tribulations that are necessary in order to experience that illumination revelation.

It's easier to just go after the goal of what we want.

How many times we as nurses have experienced patients who knew what was best for them when their past actions were what got them in need of professional medical/psychiatric interventions?

As with most, I believe this perspective will fall upon deaf ears.

So be it. In the end, this is just another opportunity for me to teach what I most need to learn.

 

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Nurse SMS has 9 years experience as a MSN, RN and specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

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2 hours ago, NurseBlaq said:

Why are you uncomfortable? She clearly stated where her spouse stands on the issue and him not being supportive.

Additionally, what part of she and her spouse need to have a sit down and discuss this & only she will know if he means well or not did you miss?

You may not have gone through this, but having an unsupportive spouse and wanting/having children is very real. I spoke from MY experience and gave advice based on that along with what OP has expressed. You're uncomfortable reading it, imagine living it!

Because you asked, let me begin by saying you do not know me or what I have or have not lived. You make a lot of assumptions. About me. About her husband, via stating his reluctance to embrace alternatives is due to ego over producing sperm that isn't getting the job done. That is a huge assumption. There are tons of valid reasons for not being interested in fostering or adopting that has nothing to do with ego regarding viable sperm and nothing to do with how much he does or does not love her. Those reasons also don't add up to "bad person". Those feelings are just as valid as someone who wants to adopt or foster.

The interpretation of his so-called ego driving his reluctance to foster/adopt were the words you stated that I am uncomfortable with. It assumes a degree of selfishness that may or may not be there. There isn't just one right answer here. No sane person can demand a baby at any cost, in any situation, at any expense in order to fulfill this desire, whether that is IUI, IVF, adoption or fostering. He has reasons. We do not know what they are. We do not know that it is his ego and to state it is is unfair to him.

You had an abusive, narcissistic spouse, an experience that has undoubtedly impacted how you see the world and interpret the behavior of others. The interpretation if his so-called selfishness and laying down of black/white terms is not going to serve the OP, her spouse, her marriage, her career choices or a child. He deserves the same understanding she does.

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Davey Do has 41 years experience and specializes in Psych, CD, HH, Admin, LTC, OR, ER, Med Surge.

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12 hours ago, Workitinurfava said:

It is rare for a woman to get everything she wants in life

Unless that woman is my wife, the brat!

Sorry. I couldn't help myself.

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