Birth-4: Junkie father that beat my mother. I actually remember the beatings. Kind of abstract...
4-7: Normal I guess. Problems are apparent to my parents though. No friends. Unable to make normal relationships or interact with others. I do remember always sitting in my room playing with legos. Never going outside.
7-12: Problems started. Multiple incidents of stealing and hitting. Severe antisocial behavior. No friends whatsoever. Never kicked out of school but asked not to return after one year at each one. Parents and shrink think I have ADHD so the medicine games begin... Cylert, Ritalin, Dexadrine... Nothing works.
13: Freshman year - Discover drugs and aclohol. By the end of the year drinking an entire fifth of Jack is no problem. Took more Ecstasy than I can remember. Started stealing for profit at school and stores. Blatant disregard for all authority. First and Second Suicide attempts in this year. First one Tylenol (didn't know it would just make me sick). Second attempt was mother's migraine medicine (about 20 with about a liter of tequila). This was more serious, landed me in the hospital.
14: Serious criminal behavior begins (I won't list them all but pretty much everything possible that was non violent). Threw stink bomb in church to get 'excused.' 2 more suicide attempts. First bottle of Darvocet (ended up in hospital and lied about what I took, Docs did nothing sent me home). Second was with gun. Talked down by friends. No one else knew. Ran away from El Paso, TX to Denver, CO (~700 miles) gone for a month before calling parents. Severe Depression and self inflicted solitude. Shrink still thinks I am just ADHD. Mother thinks I have no conscience.
15-17: No more suicide attempts but severe escalation of my private war with authorities. Graduated Highschool bottom of my class with second highest SAT score. Go figure. Drank more alcohol and popped more pills than god.
17-18: Drank myself to oblivion in first year of college. Severe mood swings. Social behavior improved a bit (able to fake social interaction for my benefit).
18-19: Mood shifted from severe antisocial and self destructive to super overachiever. Not sure why. Joined US Army. Still depressed mostly. Usual self destructive behavior. Army doesn't by it and keeps me.
23: Left army. Mood swings all but gone by this time. Life's good. Became CNA. Engaged. Girlfriend gets pregnant. Baby was born 9/3/01 and baby dies 9/3/01. Moderate depression sets in. 9/11/01 happens and the delusions start with sever depression and paranoia.
23-27: I figure out the pattern of mood swings and generally fit my life around them. Suicidal off and on but no 'serious' attempts.
28: Sick of being depressed and doc gives me Effexor. Currently living with my junkie brother. Effexor send me into a severe mania. Constant attacking my brother/hiding in room. Quit working. Stayed in room for 3 months. Thought I was schizo. Wake up one day it's all gone and I am in a good mood. I haul *** to the shrink. He give me lithium then later Effexor and shabang! no side effects. Find out I am bipolar.
28-Now: Meds keep me somewhat hypomanic and other than an occasional bit of super hypomania and a little bit of paranoia I am great.
That wasn't that hard. What's to be ashamed of? Severe, juvenile, criminal past. Only have 2 shopliftings on my juvie record though as I was never caught. 3 bonafide and 4 'cry for help' suicide attempts. Running away. graduating last in class while smoking the SAT. Failing first year of college. 5-6 years of a drug and alcohol induced haze. All the while spending more time in a solitary state longer than anyone in prison.
All leading to the military and nursing.
I'm not ashamed. You shouldn't be either. At least we don't have 'boring' lives. I think of it like the Alcoholics do somewhat.
Everyday I'm here is another day I win and the BP loses...
At this time I am currently diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder and Schizoid Personality Disorder. Somehow, not sure how, but nursing is the only thing I really enjoy. I intend to go to Trauma after I finish school but I am most likely going to stay in Geriatrics or Peds as that makes me the happiest.
I can't hide my mood swings but if everyone could really see how I think in my brain they'd freak out. Sometimes I slip though and say something that totally freaks everyone out.
Or something bad will happen and I can't change my face in time to fool everyone. Oh well...
Specializes in aged, palliative care, cardiac, agency,.
RNMOM2BE: Hon, I have depression/anxiety. I live in a small town/city. There is no shame in going to a counselor. People go for all sorts of reasons: divorce, death of loved one, drugs/etoh help and depression - to name a few. Try a private counselor rather than a counseling group, you may be more comfortable. Some churches offer pastoral counseling.
Do talk to your doctor about getting on medication. I have, and it's helping.
Keep in touch, and don't give up. It can and will get better if you take some positive steps to help yourself.
Good luck and God Bless
Babs, your good advice could be just as useful to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, I hope your life is starting to settle a bit. It sounds like too much is happening all at once. Not only are you trying to deal with your own feelings but your family is wanting /needing support too. Just realise that your own needs need to be met - try not to be like most nurses and GIVE even at cost to yourself. This is a time to take care of YOU. Once you're OK then you can help others. Remember in planes they tell you to put your own oxygen on before helping others????
Specializes in aged, palliative care, cardiac, agency,.
I could send you a short synopsis of my life if you need to feel better or want a good laugh at the least...
There is no reason to be shamed. The more you talk about it the better you will feel.
I agree. Often it is in finding the words to tell the story that we hear our own truth. Rather than just having random thoughts floating around in our brain when we are forced to make sensible sentences and put things in order to be able to tell the story to someone else we hear exactly what it is that is troubling us.
Plus sometimes in the telling we put a funny spin on it - a defence mechanism I specialise in - but in laughing at ourselves we lighten up even if just for a moment.
I feel the same way, I'm very glad no one can read my mind or thoughts, if they could, I'd have been put away years ago! LOL
Thank Stanley for your synopsis of your life, maybe someday I'll get the courage to tell mine, but if would be three to four times as long as yours, and I'm not sure everyone would want to real it.
Hey, maybe I'll write a book "The Everyday Life of a REAL Nurse!" Subtitled, "Yes, we're just as screwed up as everyone else!"
Actually, when I was in nursing school, everyone thought that I thought I was better than them, which couldn't be further from the truth. Truth is, I'm shy and kept to myself. The image people had of me was of this "together worman with perfect children and a great marriage" Truth is, I was going through a divorce at the time and there was a lot of dysfunction. So, one night a group of us went out for a drink, and they later in the night when alcohol had loosened their tongues, they started telling me these things. I started to laugh----- I just couldn't stop - last person said "yeah, you acted like 'little miss perfect'!" Soooooooo I said
"Aren't you guys happy to find out I'm just as screwed up as the rest of you?" They were relieved. Still friends with them today.
I'll give you a small peek at my childhood
3 years old was the first time I remember me father slapping my mother around and pulling her hair. I ran upstairs to the landlord and she consoled me, but in those days, "you didn't get involved in domestic affairs of your neighbors"
I remember Dad, an alcoholic, coming home drunk, and he and his drinking partner got into a fist fight, glass was being thrown all around and then both of them tumbling down the stairs - I remember being so frightened.
I remember my 1/2 brother trying to kill my father, so the police were called, my mother shooed us younger kids outside, I remember my father holding my brother down and telling him to "knock it off", the police ran upstairs, and my father must have let go of my brother, so he went after a police officer and cut his ear off. After they carted my brother away, I went back home, I remember all the blood everywhere. Again, I was really scared.
I remember another brother died of a heroin od. He was in the navy and home on leave. My father went away after that, "nervous breakdown" was all anyone would say. I love my brother, he use to pick me up and put me on his shoulders, and called me "squirt". He was the first dead person I ever saw.
So much more I could add, but these few situations were before kindergarten.
Specializes in aged, palliative care, cardiac, agency,.
...Thank Stanley for your synopsis of your life, maybe someday I'll get the courage to tell mine.............Hey, maybe I'll write a book "The Everyday Life of a REAL Nurse!" Subtitled, "Yes, we're just as screwed up as everyone else!"
Truth is, I'm shy and kept to myself. The image people had of me was of this "together worman with perfect children and a great marriage"............."Aren't you guys happy to find out I'm just as screwed up as the rest of you?"
WOW. Thank you both Babs and Stanley for sharing your story. Mine pales into insignificance (except that it is significant to me).
Babs, I love your book title. Maybe patients would regard us more humanely if they remembered that we are just people too. I remember working in Hospice and a pt's family member saying we were angels and going on and on about how we were wonderful and special and angelic and so on and so on. This really annoyed me and I ended up saying to her "If we were angels it would be easy. But we are not. We are just people doing this work (which we love)". Anyway I know she was just saying her thankyou's but it really annoyed me that she had somehow put the nurses into a special category like we werent human anymore and that's why it was ok. And I was trying to tell her that we were still human.....all of which has nothing to do with depression and I dont quite know how I got here.
Your stories = incredible.
Reinforces to me how resilient people are. The idea of resilience is one which really appeals to me - its one of the things I find interesting in historic military nursing - just how they managed to do what they did. Same as patients dealing with heaps of issues = their resilience amazes me. What people are capable of.
My story = usual mildly dysfunctional family growing up. We were raised not to make a fuss, hide our emiotions so as not to upset other people. For example when I was 11 (day after my 11th brithday) my Father died at 51 of heart disease after a few years of chronic illhealth. The day he died I was sent to play netball "so I wouldnt let the team down." I then developed anxiety (and depression I think) and separation anxiety, ended up being home schooled for a year or so, seeing a psych, taking various meds I have no idea what they were. Got back to school ok but have always felt 'less than' because of this episode (more depressive feelings). My mother raised me to believe that I am too sensitive to cope with life. I have spent the rest of my life proving that not to be the case. Nowadays my oldest very violent brother is an alcoholic - living on the streets for part of his life. I now have no further contact with him after various incidents. My second brother has agoraphobia (amongst other mental health issues). He is a fantastic guy, successful businessman but doesnt leave his 'safe' area which amounts to an area not much bigger than the palm of your hand. My sister is a super achiever - wonder woman - extremely focused, highly successful business woman, takes no prisoners in all areas of her life. Spends time telling me how to live my life although this is done, in her eyes, to help me 'cos apparently I cant work things out for myself. And then there's me - the 'baby' of the family. Married at 20 to escape my family. An emotionally abusive marriage followed where I contemplated suicide before leaving to raise my two daughters on my own (first diagnosis of depression). After a few jobs all related to health I finally did what I had wanted to do all along and qualify as an RN. On and off again relationship with my martyr mother who died of pancreatic cancer 3 days after the initial diagnosis. My work colleagues didnt even know she had died - I keep myself to myself, especially after the guy I was seeing at the time told me he didnt 'do death' and I wasnt to mention it again despite the fact that I was arranging her funeral at the time. Needless to say that relationship ended rather abruptly but not until I had internalised the "Dont make a fuss" message. When my work colleagues did find out about my mother one said to me "That wouldnt have upset you. Nothing bothers you." I have had this said to me over and over in my life - apparently I give off the impression that nothing bothers me, I can cope, my feelings dont matter (where would I have learnt that????).
Anyway, spent a few years with the door firmly shut on the world - just worked, raised my girls, paid bills, read books, kept myself to myself (depression). Then met and eventually moved in with a delightful man. Have just moved out ie 4 weeks ago after 4 years 'cos he has no way of demonstrating his feelings. Depression and anxiety rears its ugly head once again.
And in the last 4 weeks - relationship finished, former partner not coping so I'm trying to be supportive, exhusband is around and surprisngly very supportive but I'm slightly uncomfortable with this, $200,000 extension to the existing jointly owned house commenced, financial stresses, located and moved out to rental accommodation, eldest daughter with physical health issues, second daughter has been to 3 schools in as many weeks. She is now under the care of a psych - has had "issues" all year. The school are not happy with her, I'm struggling on my own with her depression and general wierd behaviours. I had an unconscious collapse last week, admitted to hospital and diagnised with severe stress. Like I couldnt work that out myself.
BUT life is beginning to turn itself around. I am working hard at keeping it all together for myself and my daughters. I do feel that it will come crashing down shortly but not if I can keep going. My anxiety levels are higher than usual, but I'm managing that as best as I can.
Thanks for listening. Feels better for downloading all this.
life is your book.Turn the page when you want to.Start a new chapter when you are ready.Write your book the way you want it to be.Its a struggle sometimes,but you can always turn the page
Remember in planes they tell you to put your own oxygen on before helping others????
- but in laughing at ourselves we lighten up even if just for a moment.
Atheos
2,098 Posts
Oh! I totally forgot about this thread.
Well rnmomtobe here ya go...
That wasn't that hard. What's to be ashamed of? Severe, juvenile, criminal past. Only have 2 shopliftings on my juvie record though as I was never caught. 3 bonafide and 4 'cry for help' suicide attempts. Running away. graduating last in class while smoking the SAT. Failing first year of college. 5-6 years of a drug and alcohol induced haze. All the while spending more time in a solitary state longer than anyone in prison.
All leading to the military and nursing.
I'm not ashamed. You shouldn't be either. At least we don't have 'boring' lives. I think of it like the Alcoholics do somewhat.
Everyday I'm here is another day I win and the BP loses...
At this time I am currently diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder and Schizoid Personality Disorder. Somehow, not sure how, but nursing is the only thing I really enjoy. I intend to go to Trauma after I finish school but I am most likely going to stay in Geriatrics or Peds as that makes me the happiest.
:) There you go! No shame! :)