Dealing with death?

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I have been working in the ER for 2 years after making the switch from med/surg. I have seen my fair share of death due to hospice/comfort care patients on the floor as well as sudden deaths from working in a trauma center. I have witnessed a couple pediatric codes as well. But a peds code on 9/15 really got to me and I have been having a very difficult time coping.

To start, there was a snafu with the schedule that day and the 2 other 0700 nurses never showed...I was the only one. In the midst of night shift working with me to call nurses in, we get a radio call that there’s a pediatric cardiac arrest coming in. We didn’t have any other information. When EMS arrived, they were performing CPR on a 2.5 year old baby girl. We all knew there was no chance of her making it (bloated, mottled, blue lips) so after about an hour, the doc called time of death. The mom came in holding the little girls stuffed animal and I lost it...I turned to another nurse and told her I needed to step out. I went to the break room and cried for a good 10 minutes before gathering my emotions. The following 12 hours, while everyone else involved in the code went home because they were night shift, I had to stay and work while fighting back the tears. No one else on day shift was involved in the code and they showed up after TOD was called.

As I said before, I’ve been in peds codes before, but never had one since having my baby. All I could picture during that code was my 1 year old...the baby was only in her diaper, arms out, her little fingers curled...I just can’t get the visual out my head of seeing her there dead. I have been crying for the past 2 days and feel so deeply impacted by what happened...and I don’t know why. It’s the first time in 5 years of nursing that I want to leave the bedside because I don’t know if I can go through another code like that.

Does anyone have any words of advice so I can get through these feelings?

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

If you haven't had one already, please see if you can have a debriefing with the staff involved in the code. This can be led by anyone, including the hospital chaplain, and it often helps to express the sadness and confusion and anxiety one might feel after a situation like this.

You may also want to talk with a professional counselor as well. Pediatric codes are traumatic for all concerned, and no one would look down on you for seeing someone (not that it's any of their business). The worst thing you can do is stuff it down and pretend everything's OK when it really isn't, because it will come out sometime; unfortunately it will probably happen because of another triggering event and catch you completely by surprise.

I wish you the very best. So sorry you had to witness that, it must've been awful. Thank you for being such a compassionate nurse.

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Specializes in Surgical, quality,management.

Agree you need to attend a debriefing session. Also use your organisation EAP, you need to process these emotions.

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

We have a program for debriefing these situations at our hospital, staffed 24/7 by volunteers in all clinical roles and all of us have been through this kind of trauma. By trauma, I mean your experience with it, not your patient's. Please seek out a mentor, a friend in the industry or someone you trust to talk about this. You deserve that. Take good care of yourself.

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would talk to your manager/coworkers to debrief. We are human and all have emotions. We all have cases we see that really hit home but that’s what makes us HUMAN. Talk it out with your coworkers, they will all understand. Don’t give up nursing, you’re helping people and making a difference. Best of luck ❤️

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Specializes in New Critical care NP, Critical care, Med-surg, LTC.

I can only imagine how difficult that would have been. I don't have any peds experience, or desire, really. Partially because of things like what you describe. As others have mentioned, it's not unexpected that this would be so difficult for you, as a mother, and a human, witnessing what you went through must have been awful. Please find someone that you can talk with in person. And it may take a while, don't expect yourself to shut off emotions just because you're a nurse. I had a young father that coded about six months ago and that night is still seared in my brain because it was a bit traumatic for all of us involved. You're human, you will grieve, and that's okay. Good luck.

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