Destin293000

I have been working in the ER for 2 years after making the switch from med/surg. I have seen my fair share of death due to hospice/comfort care patients on the floor as well as sudden deaths from working in a trauma center. I have witnessed a couple pediatric codes as well. But a peds code on 9/15 really got to me and I have been having a very difficult time coping. To start, there was a snafu with the schedule that day and the 2 other 0700 nurses never showed...I was the only one. In the midst of night shift working with me to call nurses in, we get a radio call that there’s a pediatric cardiac arrest coming in. We didn’t have any other information. When EMS arrived, they were performing CPR on a 2.5 year old baby girl. We all knew there was no chance of her making it (bloated, mottled, blue lips) so after about an hour, the doc called time of death. The mom came in holding the little girls stuffed animal and I lost it...I turned to another nurse and told her I needed to step out. I went to the break room and cried for a good 10 minutes before gathering my emotions. The following 12 hours, while everyone else involved in the code went home because they were night shift, I had to stay and work while fighting back the tears. No one else on day shift was involved in the code and they showed up after TOD was called. As I said before, I’ve been in peds codes before, but never had one since having my baby. All I could picture during that code was my 1 year old...the baby was only in her diaper, arms out, her little fingers curled...I just can’t get the visual out my head of seeing her there dead. I have been crying for the past 2 days and feel so deeply impacted by what happened...and I don’t know why. It’s the first time in 5 years of nursing that I want to leave the bedside because I don’t know if I can go through another code like that. Does anyone have any words of advice so I can get through these feelings?