Dating someone from within ???

[johnny depp23]

Just curious if anybody has dated a co-worker or known someone who has? I have been hearing on here that many nurses are dating the doctors, patients, etc... I'm not an RN yet, but can't you be fired for this kind of behavior?

Please don't leave negative comments. I'm just asking a serious question, so don't go gettin all dirty hairy on me.:

[lkwashington]

The only thing I would like to say is that if anyone decide to date anyone in the same work environment or facility I hope it is real not a fling. I would just keep it personal. People talk, talk, and talk. It is not nice to hear bad things going around about you dating or having a fling with anyone and it is not interferring with your work. Just keep it to yourself. If you decide to go out in public and someone sees you and go back you work and talk about it. You have to be strong and put up with the gossip. There are pros and cons in everthing we do just have leave it or love it.

[wezzie, RN]

Ha!

Really, I know that I have a slightly worse position than most people... But it would never occur to me to say ANYTHING that could POSSIBLY be INTERPRETED as "sexy" to ANY coworker at ANY job...

If you know a co worker you're interested in getting to know better and say.. Would you like to get a bite to eat or a cup of coffee after work?

Hardly sexy.. nothing wrong with making friends.

________________________________________________________________

Kinda off on a tangent here, but totally related, and not just to possible problems dating a co worker, but problems in general in nearly ALL workplaces .. and I am in no way directing this part at you prospect, or any other individual here.

I can see how it could be a problem if one or both parties insists on involving co workers in their personal business if it developed into a more serious relationship, and a problem if some co workers insist on talking crap behind peoples back to make themselves feel better for a fleeting moment, but I tend to not worry about what miserable people who have no clue think or say about me or anyone else. I can make up my own mind how I feel about someone.

And if someone feels a need to tear someone down and try to influence others not to like a person/s they don't like, or look to inject misery upon them, prolly a good time to stare themselves down in a mirror and ask why..

Misery not only loves, but needs company, and they know how to get it ~ wezzie

A good rule of thumb IMO.. if you feel the need to say something about someone and can't say it to their face, it's a good indication you shouldn't say it to anyone and keep it to yourself.

It doesn't reflect on the person being talked about behind their back, it shines ugly on the person doing it. At least to me it does.. and if someone insists on doing it in front of me while I watch them be two faced to the person they're trashing and act like their "friend", I have no problem telling the person being talked about what is being said about them and who said it. I feel that way because I'd want someone/anyone to care enough to do the same for me. So, my advice is, think twice before you go around trashing people for any reason, especially at work.

k.. I'm done..

[LPN*PRN]

I did meet my husband at work. I gave him a hard time at first, ya know, the I don't date my co-workers deal? So far, so good! Just keep everything professional.

[UnionRN2]

Yes I did! I was in the nursing department and he was in the bio-medical equipment department and on different shifts. We were introduced by 2 fellow nurses who worked with me and were on a bowling team with him. We've been married for 22 years now.

We kept it professional at work. I never discussed him and he never discussed me. Our private life was kept private.

We don't work for the same employer as of 2 years ago (layoffs). My suggestion is that anyone who does stay in a relationship diversify and work in two different places. That way if the employer does not do well, you do not have all your eggs in one basket and one of you can still carry health care, keep retirement, etc.

I would say if you are going to date a co-worker, stay professional, keep your business to yourself, and make sure the person you are dating is single and available. I have seen and heard about some awful situations involving cheating spouses.

[lkwashington]

UnionRN2 I totally agree with you. People needs to learn to keep their mouths shut at all times. Everyone at work are not your friends. I believe this is where the problem located. When you think others are you friends at work and you start telling them your business. The friend you thought you could trust goes and tell a friend. The next thing you know everyone knows. Somethings should be kept unsaid. If you dont want your business at your workplace dont speak about it or just be about it.

[prospect]

OK, my earlier post was kind of snarky and not really helpful. So I'll try again. Also, I want to emphasise that I am NOT telling anyone what they can or cannot do. I also admit that my situation is different to most people's.

The two issues here are (1.) Protecting yourself, and (2.) Consideration for others.

Legally, sexual harassment is NOT about the intent of the accused. It is about the interpretation by the complainant.

A lawsuit or tribunal claim is expensive and stressful, regardless of the outcome. And regardless of whether it was really justified. Many employers are highly aware of this. I have read about people fired for asking for a date.

Even if there is a relationship, it can sour. It is a two-way danger.

If you get dumped, then it would be a real bummer to have to see that person every day at work. I believe that, healing from a breakup means avoiding the person.

If you dump them, then they may become angry and vindictive. They are in a position to try to punish you by sabatoging your job. They may falsely accuse you of misconduct, and may try to involve other co-workers (and supervisors) in the grudge.

Earning a living is more important than everything else combined. The roof over your head, and the meal in your stomach, is far, far higher priority than sex.

applescruffette wrote (of her coworker-now-husband):

>I learned a lot about who he was by seeing

>firsthand how he treated people of no relation

>to him.

OTOH, being really nice to anyone and everyone could mean avoiding ever playing favourites, so to speak. I would expect to just be one of the large pool of people receiving the general niceness. I am nice to everybody, but it doesn't mean that I want to sleep with any of them.

bonestAx wrote:

>I knew of others in our hospital that were dating

>and worked in the same unit so I asked them what

>the pro's and con's were for dating someone you

>work with? They only had pro's.

Almost by definition, they haven't had a breakup that cost them their job. Yet. So their view is biased towards positive.

wezzie, RN wrote:

>If you know a co worker you're interested in getting

>to know better and say.. Would you like to get a

>bite to eat or a cup of coffee after work?

>

>Hardly sexy.. nothing wrong with making friends.

Nope. It is about interpretation. I would never make such a request, for fear of it being interpreted the wrong way. And I would never accept such a request for fear of misinterpretation.

Also, I have personal issues about platonic friendship. I have experienced some very serious problems where the other person wanted/expected friendship that was overtly abusive. And they couldn't handle rejection. A couple of relatively minor problems involved coworkers. In non-work situations, I have had a few people (always women) become extremely angry, all the way to physical violence, because I wouldn't be their friend. There really are people that disordered out there.

For example, I will never view a neighbour as a potential friend. One time, my rejection eventually led to two-way police complaints. She was that disordered.

Also, I will never view a coworker as a potential friend. That means zero off-duty interaction. I would be cautious about lunch breaks, partly due to a certain whiner.

Also, I will never again directly tell anyone that I don't want to be their friend. I just won't risk the vindictiveness. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," includes platonicly. My policy now is to make excuses about being overloaded with work. And to avoid being too "nice" on a one-to-one level.

The other angle of the original question (also mentioned by wezzie and others) is consideration.

I am not physically attractive, and so am low-risk for sexual attention from anyone. Although it has happened, and was possibly more creepy, since it indicated desperation in the other person.

I would not want to receive anything even vaguely resembling sexual attention at work. Or any other context. If I were attractive, I would be tempted to lie and claim to be married. Either overtly or subtly (e.g. a fake wedding ring.)

I have a somewhat unusual personal situation. I have been directly told that, another person finding me attractive, would constitute misbehviour (even predation) by me. And some people are paranoid, and looking for some way that I am trying to lure people in. And there is a general fixation that, the only interesting thing about me, is how I'm not good enough to sleep with. There are people out there who think that, "Hi, my name is Sally," is sexual advance from me. Or even just walking out the door where someone could see me. There really are people that disordered. (Search on my first post to this forum for an explanation, if you want one.)

In short, my background inspires me to be quite paranoid about sexual misinterpretations and false accusations. That is why I am conscious of wanting to de-sexualise myself. I never do anything to look attractive, or seem like I am in the sexual marketplace.

So, yeah, someone inviting interaction after work would be a bad sign. I wouldn't file a harassment claim or anything. But I wouldn't like it at all. And I would view them as creepy and desperate.

If I could push a magic button that guaranteed I would never again me the target of anyone's sexualised thoughts (good or bad), I would push it.

Also, there is the issue of third-party negativity.

I once had a coworker who introduced herself with, "My name Judy, and my husband left me, and I am going to whinge at you about it..."

She was like the verbal equivalent of the Deepwater Horizon. Just spewing on and on, day after day, with black toxicity. And she figured out that I am single, and assumed that I was in a similar position, and was going to sympathsise. "Don't you find that, living alone is sooooo miserable, and you just sit there, staring into space, hurting? Don't you find that?" And she would occasionally burst into, "I've had it with men!" In a retail store, in front of customers. Constantly going on about her financial victimisation (she was a spoilt brat) and presenting with a ongoing nervous breakdown. And expecting me to join her grudge against her husband. And suggesting that she viewed me as her personal friend, and we could have some off-duty interactions...

I was getting physical symptoms from the dread of seeing her.

I can imagine even worse toxicity with a coworker type romance-gone-bad. "You need to hate Bob! He is a scumbag! I can't explain why, but he just IS!" Because she didn't want to admit to getting dumped.

Anyway, I like to compartmentalise everything. For example, I don't ever talk about my family background. When asked, I have implied, or even directly stated, that I don't have any living family of origin. Also, my accent leads to questions of where I am from, and I give a simplified answer that isn't my exact birthplace. When asked about my occupation, I give a simplified answer.

If asked about marriage or children, I just say, "no" and I know that some people are expecting an explanation. Which I avoid.

I avoid saying anything factual or emotional in a workplace. I try to be a simplified and boring as possible. When people think, "Sally will be here on Friday," I want that to mean a positive, helpful attitude. With a tacit understanding that I would never, ever bring personal problems in, and would never try to drag coworkers out into my personal life. I want to be perceived as zero drama.

I don't want a spouse or partner. But, if I did, I would figure out some situation where neither party was at work. It is unprofessional to use one's workplace as a pickup joint. And it is abusive to hassle someone who is trying to earn a living. This includes customer-worker situations.

For the people around me, all I want is for them to feel happy with their sexual situations. Happily married, or alone and content. Simply because they are easier to deal with if they don't have some seething anger and hurt over their sexual desires.

Lastly, I am creeped out by any situation where people are talking about someone's attractiveness level. Whether good or bad. And I want to avoid any bias in myself about that. I want to avoid treating anyone better because they look attractive. But I also want to avoid penalising anyone merely because they don't look good. After all, I enjoy elderly people, but would never want to sleep with them (ick.)

Also, I want to avoid bias based on envy. It is important to never be mean to someone just because she is more attractive than me. I have had experience with feeling inferior, and it is just another exercise in objectivity. Maybe certain women are really hot, and advantaged, but I can gloss over that, and be nice to them, too. It is a basic component of spiritual enlightenment.

From my perspective, many people are risks and threats. But, they aren't competitors or targets, and I believe that is a good position for me.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

I would be cautious. I had a friend date a guy in the same unit, and their relationship was tumultuous at best. EVERYONE heard about every little spat, and it caused quite a bit of ruckus in the unit. When they had a fight at home, they would both call in sick the next day. When they fought at work, one or both of them would turn in their resignations, only to take it back at the end of the day when they made up. Granted, this is only one example, but another friend of mine dated a doc and when that went south, she was not seen as a well liked individual any longer, and nobody would take her seriously. She ended up transferring to another unit. I know there are some success stories, but I would certainly be careful and professional about it.

[lkwashington]

Situations like the above post stated it will cause an unhealthy work environment. Some people dont care as long they get what they want and they are happy. Some people dont care if some talks about them. They just come to work and do their job and get a pay check. They may these people dont sign my check.

[IHeartPeds87]

I think a lot of people meet their significant others at work. That being said, it isn't something I would risk for just a fling, because you are walking a thin line!

[evilolive, BSN, RN]

I am casually seeing someone from work. I like this person a lot, but I only get to see 'em once every month or so because of our schedules. It's fun, but there is no pressure on either end. This person will be moving next summer to start fellowship. We both keep it on the low just in case of repercussions from co-workers. If something blooms, and it doesn't interfere with patient care, I don't see the harm.

[missjennmb]

I've dated in the workplace often, before I became a nurse. Its complicated, and it becomes way more complicated if it doesn't work out between you. If you are far enough away that you don't have to deal with eachother if the situation goes south its not bad, but when you have to see that person all the time when they screwed you over and broke your heart... very tough.

All that said, the heart wants what the heart wants, and I've found not following my heart to be a very bad idea. You don't want to wake up 10 years from now and think "what if..." There will always be another job, there will not always be another "the one"

[sunnycalifRN]

Nursing aside, is it really ever a good idea to date someone you work with? What is that saying... "Don't s*** where you eat" ?

LOL!! Yes, good advice. That being said, sure there are all types of hospital romances (RN-RN,RN-MD, MD-MD, etc.) and if they don't work, it's probably uncomfortable to have to work together. The ones that I know of that are working, met at work and they continued outside of work, but they don't work together.