Crisis Pregnancy.... Rape Situation

Hellllllo Nurse, BSN, RN · Dec 27, 2003

I have no advice to offer in this situation. but I wish all the best to your friend and baby.

ktwlpn, LPN · Dec 27, 2003

Originally posted by sandstormsdust
This is an inquiry for a friend...

Awhile ago.. my friend was raped and as a result she is now pregnant. She is okay and dealing very well considering. But I was wondering as I have been lurking in the bullitins recently how it would be for her to have her brother present. One post recently stated that girls who have a brother or father there are sometimes considered "child abuse" cases. I do look on the image of a brother/father in the L&D room as something I would frown on but under the circumstances she has little to no support. She is quite young and I noticed in one post that alot of nurses support the option of adoption.

She is reaching out to community organizations but for the most part her family is blaming her. She feels that the only good thing for the "hateful" act is to have the best L&D possible and give the baby up for adoption. I support her... but often she'll second guess herself... And this is hard... I do have a son and know how a NOT crisis labor/delivary can become extremly difficult. To make her wish come true - a good labor and delivary and a male support figure - what can I suggest or offer her without her thinking of how she will be judged should her brother support her and she give the baby up for a adoption

I was not aware that nurses in l&d judged patients by their birth partners...the traditional family is such a thing of the past in many areas of this country and I thought that the nurses in l&d accepted that.I don't think anyone thinks twice any longer about who is at the bedside......I would support my friend in whatever decisions she is comfortable with...If She wants her brother with her then he should be....Encourage her to have the strength to do what is right for her and her baby and not worry about people judging her...Her true friends will not do so..I admire her for her courage to carry the baby to term and offer it up for adoption....There is a great deal of support out there for women that do so-encourage her to talk about the baby...she is young and will heal and have her own family someday....I pray that the rest of her family gets the help they need to deal with her situation-they should also be encouraged to seek some help so they can offer her support-she did nothing wrong.....Give her a hug,please...I wish I could help in someway....my prayers are with her

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 27, 2003

Originally posted by ktwlpn
I was not aware that nurses in l&d judged patients by their birth partners...the traditional family is such a thing of the past in many areas of this country and I thought that the nurses in l&d accepted that.I don't think anyone thinks twice any longer about who is at the bedside......I would support my friend in whatever decisions she is comfortable with...If She wants her brother with her then he should be....Encourage her to have the strength to do what is right for her and her baby and not worry about people judging her...Her true friends will not do so..I admire her for her courage to carry the baby to term and offer it up for adoption....There is a great deal of support out there for women that do so-encourage her to talk about the baby...she is young and will heal and have her own family someday....I pray that the rest of her family gets the help they need to deal with her situation-they should also be encouraged to seek some help so they can offer her support-she did nothing wrong.....Give her a hug,please...I wish I could help in someway....my prayers are with her

100% agree with this post. I HAVE NEVER assumed anything in my patients. And many of them have brothers, dads, other male relatives present in their birth situations. I can't say I EVER assumed such a presence indicated "abuse". It's up to her. But I recommend STRONGLY she get counseling regarding the whole situation as she has a lot of strong feelings to deal with now and after the baby is born. The birth is just the beginning. She should have a support person present, of her choosing who is loving and supports her decisions all the way.!!! If that is her brother, I would encourage it 100%. This is HER choice and it's up to the L and D staff to support it, and her, as well. I wish her well. What a hard situation!!!!

Speculating · Dec 28, 2003

I completely agree with the other posts other than the statement:

Originally posted by ktwlpn
...she is young and will heal and have her own family someday...

Counseling in large doses is the key because you don't heel when you give a piece of yourself away. You can only learn to cope with it. That baby will always be a part of her own family whether it is include as part of the family or not. But, her strenght is very honorable.

BarbPick · Dec 28, 2003

Why does a male have to be present? This is such a touchy topic. The whole backround of Law and Order SVU has to do with the female investigator was born as a result of rape.

Thinking of a crime like rape, The professional who deals with this best is a "victim witness advocate." There are monies available, and plenty of support and counseling. Just call up any police department and ask for Victim Witness Services.

I am a SANE, just know how to do the exam and comfort during that situation. I wish her well.

bluesky, BSN, RN · Dec 28, 2003

How is your friend holding up emotionally? She needs major professional intervention by a mental health expert yesterday- really, really STAT!!!

Has she been to the crisis intervention service in her town? If so, did they refer her for further counseling? It sounds like the whole family needs some type of therapeutic intervention.... are they willing to seek help?

This young woman needs a whole lot of support- thank god she has a good friend like you (and a brother) who care...

As for the L&D, I've never heard of a male relative being looked upon suspiciously, but you could always check ahead of time at the hospital she will deliver at to make sure everything goes smoothly.

The delivery and post partum period may be especially confusing and difficult for her, so stay close and love lots.

I am so sorry. She must be a very strong woman to endure this terrible experience.

Alexia

Dayray, RN · Dec 29, 2003

Your friend should have her brother there to supports her. Yes some people will think this strange but it is really non of there business. When she goes into the hospital she needs to tell the nurse that the brother is her labor partner and that it's OK for him to be there for exams and the delivery otherwise he probably will be asked to leave the room.

Will people including nurses judge this as strange? likely yes, maybe not but it doesn't matter what they think. If her brother is the one she wants as support then she should have him. I know from personal experience that gender really doesn't matter in situations like this. However it's not the norm and that makes allot of people think its wrong.

While I can agree that a male presence isn't a necessity in a delivery it is defiantly a nice thing to have. I have cared for a few patients in there delivery of children conceived by rape. As a male I wasn't sure if my presence was a good idea but in all the cases I think it was a good thing. Victims of rape have been hurt on so many levels and a caring male figure can (I think) repair some of that. Also for your friend, a male presence might make her feel more secure. I'm not saying that a male presence is a necessity but I have seen that for some patients it makes them feel safer.

Also a bit of warning, Social services can be very unfriendly and even confrontational to parents relinquishing rights. In many cases I've seen them treat the birth parents badly. Your friend needs a strong advocate to help her threw this. Before she even contacts anyone she needs to decide what kind of adoption she wants. It is altogether possible for her to have it arranged that she receive pictures or even be allowed to send gifts. Any conditions she wants placed on the adoption need to be written into the agreement. She should also look into private adoption agencies.

TiffyRN, BSN, PhD · Dec 29, 2003

Your friend really needs counseling if that hasn't happened yet but as for the brother. . .

Geesh, give the girl a break, if that will help her deal, go for it. I heard of a regular birth where the new mom called for her dad to come into the room while she was having her episiotomy/tear (don't remember which) sewn up. It was odd but it was respected.

USC2001 · Dec 29, 2003

I know this wasn't your question but I couldn't help adding this advice. I would also tell your friends that even though it is painful to please tell her nurses about her situation. I have labored pts who had been raped and it is important to take extra care when performing cervical checks, etc . I always let the pt know that if she starts to get upset we can talk and that she is in control of the situation now. Of course, we always try to be sensitive to our pts, but if we as nurses know the whole situation we can take a little extra care and not put our foot in our mouth (references to the dad, etc.). Just a thought! Best wishes to your friend... she is very brave.

BBnurse34 · Dec 30, 2003

Your friend should have whatever support people she wishes. She may want to take care to chose people that will support her wishes, even if they change (I have seen this many times)

My 17 year old niece delivered at the hospital that I work at. Because her boyfriend was overseas in the Navy, her best friend (a flaming gay male) coached her. Nursing staff was very supportive. The only uncomfortable moment was when one nurse called her friend "daddy" he replied "Heck no, I am the baby's fairy godmother"

TinyNurse, RN · Dec 30, 2003

wow, i'm sorry about the situation. sounds like the right idea about "having the best delivery possible"

IMHO, she needs to have her most supportive person in attendance, whether it be male or female. it is her right, and we as nurse, need to advocate that.

xo Jen